Friday, February 02, 2007

*poke*

Yup, I'm back. I haven't posted in a while because either I didn't feel like it, I forgot, or I stayed up too late doing homework. Yay for school, and only having one day a week to sleep in. But we do get a long weekend next week, so that's alright.

I love this blue scarf I got in Spain. Especially the fact that it becomes a shawl. Dispite the fact that it's thin, it's actually seems quite warm. Or maybe I just like wrapping myself up in it. Either way, it's cool.

I love music. There's my random comment of the day. I really do. Listening to it, playing it, talking about it, anything. I love it.

I finished burning Randall's CD, and all I need to do is finish braiding the ends of her bracelet, and that'll be done. I'd also like to get to work on writing Rae's song, but I'm afraid I'll get too involved in that and not finish my homework. So I'm pretty much debating whether to work on Rae's song Saturday and Sunday, then do homework Sunday night, or just do homework first, and then work on the song. Hm...logic tells me I should do homework. Common sense tells me that's not gonna happen. =)

Things are going better I think. I mean, I still have my moments (everybody does) but they're getting less. I still have my moments where I feel like I'm just part of the wall, since nobody really cares. This morning, for instance. No, don't send my all your sympathy, and say I'm not a wall, and people do care, and stuff. I mean, I appreciate those thoughts, and believe me, for everybody who's told me that over this past little while, I'm really thankful for it.

But I've kinda done some thinking, and maybe being a wall isn't so bad all the time. I mean, sure, it kinda felt like crap this morning, but I also actually get some thinking done for myself, rather then trying to focus on other people all the time. It's a good moment to take a step back, and try to look at things without my emotions getting in the way. Maybe that's just me.

I don't want to jinx myself (not that I'm usually the superstitious type) but I think I may actually be ready to start moving on. Now, I don't mean it's now off to the races and leaving it all behind. I just mean that maybe I can start to take baby steps. For the past two months I've either felt like I'm standing still, or else taking two steps back for every step I take forward. Maybe now I can actually take one step at a time, without retracing my steps all over again. Or at least step back only have a step for every step forward. =)

I've also started to remember how good it feels to help my friends. Whether it's doing things for them, or talking with them, or even just listening, I really like doing it. Lately I haven't felt that, because I've been the one needing help. I used to be the kind of person who didn't really talk about my problems a lot, but was always willing to listen to others and help them. Lately I've opened up to some people, while attempting to close up around other people. I think at least one thing I've learned from everything over the past couple months is that things work so much better if you just open up a little more.

Why should I care what other people think of me? Why should I want to set a certain image for myself? I am who I am. If I feel anything really needs changing, I'll change it, but I'm not going to try to set a certain image of myself just because that's how I want people to think of me. Not anymore. That's something that certainly got me into trouble. This is me, and if you don't like that, deal with it.

Maybe opening up is really the only way to truly enjoy life. Sure, you're kinda making yourself vulnerable. Yeah, there's a risk. But there's a risk in everything we do in life. There always will be. So don't ask yourself about whether there is a risk, because there always will be one. The real question is whether you're willing to take that risk.

You know when you go swimming, and you decide to jump off the diving board? Especially the high one. You walk to the end, all the time wondering if you really should be doing this, and if you'll make a complete fool of yourself. Really, at any point you could turn back. But you keep walking to the edge and look down at the water. Sometimes, that's the first time you really realize how high you are. You're still debating whether you really want to do this, but finally, before you have a chance to turn back, you just hold your breath and jump.

That's what life should be life. There will always be a risk, and you'll probably always feel afraid of that risk. But why not just go for it? Just keep on moving, and meet life head on. And when you think you're about to give up, or turn around...just hold your breath and go for it.

That's mostly what I'm trying to do with my life now. I want to forget about all the stupid images I used to want to put out with myself, or what I wanted people to think of me. I was too concerned with what I thought I wanted to be, instead of just being who I am. Sure, I'd think about going of that diving board, taking that risk. But would I? Most often not.

So now I'm trying to forget all that. This is who I am, as I already said. I've decided that regrets are no fun. So why not just go for it? What do you have to lose? Only regrets that you'll carry if you shy away because you don't want to take the risk of getting hurt.

Throw your heart out to the world. How else will you ever find real friends, and people who truly love you?

Anyways, I told Kate I'd post soon so she could read, so I'd better do that for her.

I'll see you all in the swimming pool. =)

~Calminaiel~

"What do cold musicians wear? Hindemittens!"

1 comment:

Meeee (as in S.W.) said...

Hellooo! I have found your blog. And I agree that opening up to people is scary, and a risk etc, and that it's just so important. I am doing it more now than I used to, and life seems happier. Apart from that other thing/person, you know the one. It is really starting to drive me insane. I think I may actually crack at some point if I can't tell him, I really will. Anyway, this is too much to be putting on some random page on the internet already, so I will stop. I am glad that you are starting to feel better :)