I tried to post last night, but my blog didn't want to do it for me. So I'm here again tonight. The following post, I am writing exactly what I think, as I think it, and I will let you interpret as you will. If I can even find a place to start.
I don't know what to do anymore. My mood's changing every five minutes. The only time it's relatively stable is when I can forget about things. Whether I'm reading a book, playing music, or sitting in Physics class, it gets me away from...everything. My life in general. I can just ignore everything that's happening, and everything that has happened. And it's like a slap in the face when I have to come back. Eventually I have to put the book down. The piece ends. The bell rings. Whatever it is, it brings me back to earth. It's a reminder that I'm stuck in this place, and I can't move.
For the first time in my life, I'm dreading the one place I've never wanted to leave. Whether it's the morning, at lunch, or afterschool. For the first time, I don't want to go back to the band room. Everything that reminds me of everything that has, or is going wrong, is in there. I've always felt comfortable in the band room. I've always felt like I can be myself. Now, the only time I'm comfortable in there is when I'm alone. And I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been torn into to many pieces. By other people, and by myself. Who will I be when there's nothing left to tear apart?
I've always been happy to have the band room. It's always been my haven. I never minded that there was nowhere else to go, because I didn't need it. Now I almost regret that. I regret not trying to expand, trying to find other places that I can go and feel comfortable. Now I'm lost. That's why Physics is so nice. At first I was scared...I don't really know anybody else in the class, and in that class, I don't have anything that usually makes me who I am...mostly meaning friends, and music. I was afraid that I'd go back to how it was in jr. high...I would just be invisible. Just another girl who has no friends, and sits quietly working all class. I welcome that now. It's bliss. While I'm in there, it's like a fresh start. Nobody knows me. I don't know anybody. There's nothing in there to remind me of the rest of my life.
Math is the same. Not exactly I guess...I do have friends in that class. But at the same time, all it is is working the whole time. Numbers fill my head, not memories and images. I wish I could forget all the time.
When the bell rang afterschool today, I didn't feel the excitement I usually feel when there's rehearsal after school. Rather, I felt full of dread. I knew what waited for me there. I didn't want to have to go through that again. I know it only lasts until I get my bassoon and start playing. But even those moments feel like torture.
I've wasted myself away waiting for things to get better. I've reached the point where I've given up on things going back to the way they once were. I don't have the energy to try to make things better anymore. I just want to leave it all behind. I want to see new faces, ones that won't remind me of what I'm trying to forget. I feel like there's hardly anything left for me anymore. My friends are moving on without me, and all I can do is stand on the side and watch.
I've watched it happen. All the times that they've been able to be truely happy, and I can't make myself be happy. Everytime I sense that people don't understand why I can't just get over this. It's all another reminder that life is moving on without me. And I hate knowing that I'll go through it again tomorrow. And the day after that.
The things that keep me going are the tiny things that do go well. They way I can make people happy by doing things for them. The way I feel when I sit down and play with better tone then I ever have before. The way I feel when I can forget about it. Today during rehearsal our eyes kinda met for a second...and it actually made me feel good. Like maybe everything wasn't lost. But it dissapeared afterwards. When another reminder came.
That's how I think of those moments now. Reminders.
I don't know what else to say. I don't want to be alone in this, but at the same time, I don't want to have to talk about it anymore. It's not very comforting to have people say they know how it feels. Maybe they have had similar experiences or feelings. But I always find it hard to believe that they know exactly how I'm feeling. Talking about it is another reminder that I don't want, but it also feels nice to let it go. It all builds up inside me, and when I let it out, it feels good. Except this keeps coming back. I can't simply let it go.
Today was more painful than it really has been so far. I'm not ready for this. I want to leave it behind, but if I do that, I leave half of my friends behind as well. How do I move on without losing everything I have?
I can't completely start over.
I can't keep walking along the path I'm on now.
I don't know what to do.
"Am I making my way to the top of the hill, or am I digging my own grave?"
5 months ago