Monday, October 15, 2007

Fluctuating day

I don't know where that title came from. I was trying to think of a way to describe my day, and that word came into my mind.

Anyways, as previously stated, I kinda had an odd day. And my thoughts pretty much changed at every corner, which always makes the day interesting.

Where to start...at the beginning I suppose. Or perhaps before the beginning.

So, last night I wrote a bunch of stuff in my notebook that I probably should have mentioned weeks ago. I never did, but last night I basically said to heck with it, and I wrote it all down. It was so weird how much better I felt after I got it out, and I'm wondering if maybe I can go back to how I was before. I guess we'll see, although I still feel like it's the kind of thing I'll never be sure about until I reach the point where I have to decide. It's like the diving board. You never actually know if you'll be able to jump until you get to the end of the board.

This morning I started right off and overdosed on hopeless romantic things. Of course, seeing Across the Universe again last night didn't help at all. I also listened to certain songs on the way to school, which didn't help the situation.

Then throughout the day I found myself questioning the thoughts I've had for the past couple weeks. For a few moments here and there I was horribly frightened that everything I've believed and told other people was all a lie, and I'd somehow have to find a way to sort out my life all over again.

I also just realized that between my notebook, this blog, and socialmoth, you can find out anything about my life, because I think I mention pretty much everything about my life in those three things. Not everything in one, but between them all, it's like reading the story of my life.

I think for the first time I saw Mike as one person. It was during bassoon seminar when it really hit me. Before I've always kind of seen him as two people. He's either cool bassoon guy who's my friend, or amazing bassoon guy who I want to be like, but sometimes question whether I have to ability to actually play at the same level as him. (I have no idea if that last sentence, but it was the best way I could get my thoughts across. Deal with it.) But today in bassoon seminar, after we had played all our audition pieces for each other, we were talking about it. And we all think Mike's amazing, but listening to Francesca talk to / about him kind of made me realize that he's still a student too. I think this was the first time I saw him as an amazing player, but a student all the same. I've never really thought about the fact that Mike's still a student, and he's still learning and making mistakes just like me. To me he's always been amazing in general, and could do anything he wanted to already.

I'm not sure how else to express my feelings about this. It was a very neat thought process that happened in a span of about 60 seconds.

And I still hate conflicting dates. It's so frustrating, and just makes me wonder why I try to do so much. Except I know I wouldn't leave anything I've joined, even if it made life easier. I enjoy everything I do, and I guess I just want to get the most out of life that I can. I know other people say I should take it slow. People have said that I need to save some things so I still have new things to experience later in life. I'm sure the people who are involved in my conflicting dates are possibly also a little frustrated that I'm always going to them and saying I have something else to do. And truth be told, another thing I hate about conflicting dates is the fact that it forces me to choose between two things that I enjoy, and am apart of. I don't want anybody to think I value something over something else, but the fact of life is that often you have to choose between those two things. And often I hate justifying my choice, because my reasoning may be completely different than the views of other people.

I really don't know where I'm going with this. It just kinda came out.

I should go and work on some social...I have a feeling that keeping my booklet up to date in social is going to help me keep my mark up a lot. And I need that. So I might as well make it look like I'm putting some sort of effort into that class.

I also hope I don't have much of any other homework, because I don't plan on doing it. And I definitely need to let my teachers know about choir camp.

~Calminaiel~

"No, I've never drank, or used drugs, or done any sexual experimentation."

1 comment:

Silmarillia said...

You know what's a really bad thing to do? Read over hopelessly romantic bits of things and then try to write. It's horrible. I never get anything done :P

And as a sort of comment on you last post, too...it's okay. I only pretend I have meaningful stuff to blog about. Generally I just sit there and stare at the Post box until something besides, "I had breakfast...and brushed my teeth...and now I have to learn some more about ratio word problems..." comes to mind. 'S why I have a Topic Hat.

~Sil