For better or worse

Quote:

"You really need to smarten up your act. First of all, I show up to our first rehearsal and you're hogging out music stand so that I can't see a thing. Then I come here to find that you've pushed me off the steps and out of the ensemble completely. Am I not a part of this group too? What did I do to deserve being treated like this? You need to stop acting like a little pre-madonna and start treating other people with some respect. I sit beside Stephen Frans in the CPO and he treats me like a human-being, so I should get the same treatment from you. You can't just walk in here and steal the show. You need to change your attitude towards other people if you intend to get anywhere in music."

...unquote.

Every time I think about this, I want to cry. Seriously, I'm absolutely terrified of you. I was even before you said all that.

But I do have some things in response to all that. First of all, you never even mentioned you couldn't see the music on the stand. I'm not telepathic. I can't tell if you can't see it, and I can't see out of your eyes. If you had even

commented on the fact that it was hard to see, I would have been more then willing to let you move the stand however you wanted so that you could see it perfectly.

Second of all, the second row was super-crowded. We could hardly fit in the french horns. Now, I know I could have done more to make sure there was room for you, but I'm not the only person in the row. Not only am I not the only person there, I was also the youngest in the group, and only a guest. Not that those are excuses, but to an extend, I was very intimidated by the group itself, and I wanted to make sure I was in the right spot, never mind asking everybody else to move. You also could have taken the initiative to gently ask me, or anybody else in the second row, if we could all move over to make room for you. But if you like scaring the hell out of me instead, by all means, don't let me stop you.

So yeah, a lot of what you said made me mad, simply because it's not all my fault. Yes, I could have taken more responsibility for things, but you could have too.

Yeah, it makes me mad. But my fear is so much greater then my anger. You were absolutely terrifying. Then again, I've never had things like that said to me, so maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But still. I do think some of that was uncalled for.

So thanks for making me cry for an entire 30 minutes before our concert. Thanks for making me think more about holding myself together rather then making music during the first half of the concert. But at the same time, thanks for showing me how decent other people are. I can tell you there were about 5 people that night that approached me and spoke to me about it, and they were all 3 times nicer then I could ever imagine you being now.

I hope you know that no matter how mad I may be, I will always be terrified of you, and in an ideal world, I would avoid you for the rest of my life. But I'm also going into music, so that makes me think that maybe we're bound to run into each other again. But hopefully that moment can be put off until I'm maybe a little stronger and not affected so much by these sorts of things.

I felt so young after those things were said. I just wanted to find a corner, or my mom, or a friend or something and just cry. But that's not so easy when you have a concert to play in half an hour. So I did what my mom said, and I just tried to hold myself together and play the concert like a professional would. Even if he doesn't think I'm a professional.

Okay, on to other things, because even thinking about that so much has gotten me scared again.

I love heart-to-heart talks with a complete passion. I'm not even kidding. There is rarely a moment when I don't love them. Especially the one on Saturday. That totally made my life complete. I'd like to think that my life might improve a lot now. Maybe, maybe not. But I'm almost positive that things will be better. Which almost makes the last few months worth it. Looking back, of course. At the time, it was hell. But that's another story, maybe one that's ready to be put on the bookshelf for a while.

In other news, I'm going to be insanely busy for the next two months. Wish me luck.

Time to crawl into my bed and recover. I feel safe in my bed.

(P.S: Vic Lewis. I'm so excited. And slightly nervous at the same time.)

~Calminaiel~

"Wow, I look at your life, and I think, how many guys have I had in my life? One...two...um...I mean...one."