I actually practiced today, for the first time in...well, a long enough time that I'm ashamed to even name it. It felt so nice. Just me and Mia, and whatever sound came out. I spend pretty much two hours on scales. Two scales, to be exact. An hour for each. It felt nice to think that I can actually play those scales now, that I actually might know them inside and out.
My pieces didn't feel as good as my scales did. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just in the mood to work purely on technique, and just let things roll off my fingers, note after note, rather than worry about dynamics, and rhythms and everything else. I don't know. I was in a scale mood.
I'm not really self-conscious about my playing. I mean, I don't think I'm all high and mighty or anything. I'll leave that for the trumpets. But I don't exactly always worry about people hearing me. I suppose that's a good thing. It's just weird to talk to friends who worry about people hearing them practice, or who hate being judged or having their playing compare to other people, or competition. I've never really had a problem with other people hearing me practice. Sure, it gives me a chance to show off. Yeah, if they listen to me practice they'll hear me mess up, but whatever. Such is life. Deal with it.
As for being judged, people judge you everyday for anything. It's been happening since the dawn of time. I'm almost more worried about being judged for things outside of music than I am about people judging my playing. Yeah, I would like people to think I'm good. But if people don't like how I play when I'm doing the best I can...well, too bad. I'm still working on it. Deal with it. It's the same with being compared to other people's playing. It happens. That's the way it is.
And competition I never actually thought about as being negative. It's just how the music world works. If you're the best there is, you get jobs, you get gigs, you get recognized. If you're not, well, you're not. Maybe it's different for different music genres, and it's because I'm in classical that competition seems natural, but still. I've never thought much about it. It just seems like an odd concept to me to hate competition if you're going into music. But that's just me.
I've also discovered I'm very apathetic when I'm on band trips. Not about the music or anything related like that. Just things like...changing just around the corner when guys are in the room, or leaving my suitcase open when other people are hanging out in the room. I'm just like...whatever. Deal with it.
I said I was going to go to bed early ish, and apparently I'm not going to. Oh well.
I'm still trying to find what I have to say with my music. Is it something that eventually just comes naturally, or are musicians continuously searching for things to say with their music? I would think they'd always be finding things to say. Maybe it just becomes easier to say them as time goes on.
It's just like another language, right? Even with our first language, as we grow and gain more experience, we find it easier and easier to express ourselves to other people. Music's probably the same. We never run out of things to say, or the things we do say never loose meaning just because we've said similar things before. We just find different, and perhaps better ways of expressing things.
Maybe that didn't make any sense. It does to me.
I'm having spontaneous little depressing panic attacks. It's really weird. It freaked me out for a good 15 minutes the other night before I was able to convince myself it was okay and move my mind onto other thoughts. Don't worry about me (not that I'm assuming you are or anything) it's not serious. Just one of those things that gets to me when I'm given time to think.
More reasons why Robyn shouldn't be able to think. It's bad for her.
As a side note, I can't wait to get into university, but at the same time I'm terrified of high school ending.
For the record, I can't keep my princes straight. Unless their super amazing...but even then, it's questionable. Thomas from Pocahontas still beats them all anyways. He was super cute. Pity he didn't get a bigger role. But then he probably would have gone all egotistic like all the other main guys in movies. Let Mr. John Smith take that role. I'll take Thomas any day.
"Pillars of skeletons and fish bones!"
2 months ago