Monday, December 03, 2007

My new belief

So, I've discovered that I no longer believe in new beginnings.

I mean, I still believe in, and understand, going through major turning points. But starting new entirely? I don't think so.

Maybe I just have yet to really experience that. But I was at my dad's company's christmas party and somebody made a toast to the end of the year, and to the start of a new year. She went on to blab about new beginnings and such.

As she was saying all that, I found myself thinking 'yeah, new beginning. You keep believing that.'

I guess it's mostly because of almost everything that's happened in 2007. I can't count the number of times over this year I've thought to myself 'Alright, we're going to do this, and then I can just start over.' Like I could just press the 'reload' button on my life.

And I remember each time being let down.


September of grade 11. I assumed we could just move along like the entire summer hadn't happened. Nope.

Band Camp. It seemed like things were going to suddenly be better. Nope.

Mexico. I figured if I could get away for a while and then come back and things would be normal again. Nope.

Spain. Basically the same story as Mexico. Anybody want to take a guess as to whether that worked out?

NYB was the closest thing that worked. Everything else was almost ways of just putting it off, me resisting the fact that I had to actually deal with what was going on in my life, and things wouldn't just work themselves out. I think the major thing that happened to me over the summer of 2006 was that I lost myself. I'm not completely sure how. But I did.

I think I probably talked about this before, back when I got back from NYB last year. But I don't think I told the whole story.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I blabbed about finding myself and all that. And I remember being so happy over all of NYB. And on the plane home. Because I was all happy that things were finally going to go back to normal again, now that I was me again.

Now, in movies and book, this would be where my life takes a completely turning point, and suddenly everything's all better again, and I'm happy and everything.

Want to know what really happened?

I cried myself to sleep that night. Because when I got home, and began getting ready for bed and thinking of the next morning at school, I realized that this wasn't any different from any other time I had left home and came back expecting things to be perfect again. And for the most part, I was right. True, life was a little better, but it was certainly far from a complete new beginning.

I think it was there where I stopped believing in those. Don't think I'm pessimistic or anything. I do believe that things will always get better eventually. Just not all at once. It has to happen slowly.

Now I really have to finish social essays so I can go to bed.


"We spend some quality bonding time in our dressing room."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am easily disappointed too. I often set far too high expectations for myself, others, and life in general. And then I completely lose hope. But I'm sure life will work out great for you. You are a very dedicated individual, guarunteed success.