Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Clean Slate (Not)

Thanks to a lovely post from Mr. Lady, a blogger who's writing I absolutely love, I have decided to keep going with this blog. It's been with me through a lot, and I know I'm not always completely loyal (see: last few months) but somehow or other I always find myself coming back to it.

This next little bit is for my family. We recently went through a tough time because my grandparent decided to sell their place, and go find the endless adventures waiting for them. Good for them, I know, and we're all proud of them.

Now, this may not seem like it should cause such a tough time, as I'm making out. But if you're thinking that right now, it shows that you don't know that house. You don't know that place. And you don't know my family.

My grandparents, with the help of their kids (my dad, aunts, and uncles) built that house. That it itself makes it very special, especially for my dad's side of the family.

This house sat on the edge of a small cliff, looking over the river. During the day, we'd moo to the cows on the other side, and during the night, we'd howl to the coyotes. Grandpa always took care of the fields, and more than once we got to see a deer, or moose walking through them.

A trip to the farm was always a cause for excitement. The farm seemed to offer an escape from everyday life. School, work, all seemed to disappear at the farm.

I'm sure everybody has a special place like this. Where only good memories exist. Think of your special place, and you'll know what the farm was like for us.

The fact that my grandparents were selling the place hit everybody a little differently. I think the grandchildren were hit the hardest. That was grandma and grandpa's place. How could it be any other way?

I'm proud to say I was very strong through the whole thing. I talked about how awesome and fun this will be for grandma and grandpa. I agreed with all their reasons for selling and moving. I didn't get to go help them move out, but I happily looked the pictures and laughed at the more ridiculous ones.

But here's my secret: On my very last visit to the farm, I got up in the night, very quietly. I went to the sun kitchen and looked at the trees, and smelled the summer air, warm even in the middle of the night. I looked out the window to the bird feeder that grandma dutifully filled for the birds. And I cried. I cried because this place was our place. We were the ones who had filled it with life, with laughter, and with love. This place didn't belong to anybody else. It couldn't belong to anybody else. Nobody else would ever be able to love this place like we have.

That was my own, private goodbye to the farm. I was fine in the morning, I was fine when we were leaving. I had said my goodbye, just like everybody else.

But last night, Ken took me out of the city, in between all the little towns of Chestemere and Langdon. Out to a spot on the highway where there were no houses and no street lights. Only the occasional car. And he stopped the car, and we got out. And I looked up.

I almost lost it right there, because the stars looked exactly like they always had the farm, with no light to scare them away. And I suddenly missed it all over again, and starting wishing I had gone up there more often, if for nothing more than to just lay in the field to watch the stars.

I thought I'd done very well in saying goodbye to the farm.

But now I realize that maybe, in little bits and pieces, saying goodbye will take a lot longer than I thought.



White Horses on the Bay said...

Hey Robyn,
This is beautifully written and obviously very heartfelt. You are such a good writer, and you have depicted the feeling of that farm very well. I miss it, too! You should most definitely keep your blog going. It is such a treat to read other people's writings and see how their lives are unfolding. And when you are honest and true to your feelings, the writing is superb!
Aunty Char

tango said...

Char is right on! Good writing. Grandma and Grandpa loved hearing your musings about what the "farm" meant to you as the years went by.
All of us will remember the farm with love.
Glad you're giving the blog another go. Remember, it's just a conversation about life as it goes by - and you've always been good at that.

Rethack said...

Robyn that was amazing to read. :)*hugs*