Monday, November 19, 2007

Bedtime stories

Bassoon story.

Reed: Hi Robyn. So, I've been trying to hang in there for you, but really, we're just not working. I mean, you know my tone's been going downhill for a while now, and now I just can't get those high notes out like you need me too, and I know you're just getting frustrated, so I don't want to see you like this. I'd really like to hang around a little longer, but we just can't keep doing this.

Me: I understand, reed. But we worked so well together until now...why is it suddenly going wrong?

Reed: That's the way life works, Robyn. A change of the winds, and suddenly things happen. I'm sorry, but I think it's time to end this relationship.

Me: Okay, reed. I'm sorry I got so frustrated during our practice today. You've just always worked so well, and I couldn't understand why you suddenly weren't there for me. But I should have taken the warning signs more seriously. You were the first sparkly reed I ever had. I knew our relationship had to end eventually. Don't be sorry, I forgive you. It happens to everybody.

Reed: Alright, no hard feelings. Do I get a special place in your room, like all the other reeds with stories to go with them?

Me: Of course you do. But for now you have to stay in my case. I'm just not ready to let go yet.

Reed: That's fine. You need time to get over it, I know.

Me: Thanks for understanding.

New Reed: Hi Robyn, I'm the reed you worked on today. I'm surprisingly ready to play, seeing as you just worked on me today, and have never actually played with me before.

Me: Wow, you are good, new reed. After playing with you a little bit more, I think we have a really good relationship in the future. Will you come with me to my rehearsals tomorrow?

New Reed: Of course Robyn. Just remember that I can be changed, so if I'm not perfect, do not hesitate to do something about it.

Me: Thanks, new reed. I think I'm in love.

...That's right. I'm a reed whore. =)

Fairy Story (condensed version)

Once upon a time there was a young fairy who lived in a beautiful forest. There once was a day when she was in love with a prince, but that ended when the prince was ready to explore beyond the forest, and the fairy wasn't ready to leave yet, and so she was forced to watch him walk away, and be happy with others. But that's another story.
As the fairy went to the edge of the forest pool to bathe, she looked at the surface of the water, and instead of a young fairy, saw a beautiful face looking back at her. The fairy never realized that she could look like that. She liked it. However, after the bathed she went to the water's edge and made sure she looked like nothing more then a cute fairy again.

I looked in the mirror tonight and was surprised at how pretty I could look. I liked it.

Then I smiled, and that pretty face was replaced by a seventeen year-old girl who still hasn't outgrown her five year-old smile. =)


"Now, now, hormones, this isn't the time to start acting up. Calm down. No, stop looking at him! Concentrate. Stop thinking like that!"

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Vic Lewis shpeal

Alright, so I've been asked to do a blog on Vic Lewis. Or rather, I've been asked why I haven't done one. So here you go. Don't blame me if you don't like it.

So, first of all, I'd just like to say that I found the fact that we had to stop 8 bars into the piece absolutely hilarious. Like, I haven't had to do that since grade 7. It was great. I know it was a performance, and festival and everything, but honestly, I loved it.

The biggest thing this is going to revolve around is American Elegy. That piece had the greatest significance, I think. The other two...yeah, we played them decently, in my opinion, but other then that, I can't really find much to say about them. So basically all of these opinions, in some form or another, come from American Elegy.

The only problem now is where to start. I've been going over these thoughts so much, I don't even know what came first.

I guess I'll start with what everybody else has been saying about Wind Ensemble. Everybody else seems to be saying we sucked, and we totally didn't play well and everything. And honestly, I really just feel like finding a way to get out of the conversation when people start talking like that.

Personally, I naturally want to be proud of the ensembles that I'm in. I know that many of them are not as good as they could be, or maybe not even really all that good, but still. If I play with them, I want to be able to be proud of them. And I am proud of our Wind Ensemble, even if we didn't play as well as we could have. I'm sorry, but I refuse to say we sucked, or we were terrible, because in my opinion, we really weren't. Yes, we weren't great. But we weren't awful either. I just wish maybe people had more pride in this group, rather then putting us down so much just because we're maybe not as great as we have been in the past.

Furthermore, I actually put a lot of effort into American Elegy. I don't know about anybody else in the ensemble, but I was trying to tell a story. I was trying to find emotions and personal experiences that I could convey in my playing, even if I was only playing a whole note. I was trying so hard to put effort into my playing. And I felt it made a difference to me. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do, when people say we sucked, because I know I put so much into my playing, it's kind of like somebody's saying that because the whole ensemble sucked, my music had absolutely no meaning, when I was trying so hard to put meaning into it. Maybe that's not the best way to describe it, but it's the only thing I can think of right now.

So, yeah, to an extent, it does hurt when people put that song down so much. It was brought up one time, and I mentioned that I almost cried during it, because I really felt like crying at some points. I don't know if the emotion I was trying to put into it came out, but it did to me, and it really affected me during the performance. And somebody answered me with 'oh yeah, I almost cried too, it was so horrible!'. I'm like, well, that's not exactly what I meant, but alright, sure. Thanks for that.

I could just be kidding myself. Maybe I was hearing was I wanted to hear, instead of hearing how the ensemble actually played. I'm certainly not saying that people are ignorant of the meaning you can put into music, because the people I'm referring to are definitely not like that. But still. It does hurt to hear people criticize a song so much, when I tried so hard to put all these emotions into it. And it's not even my own playing. When other people were playing, I tried to find emotion in it. Was our trumpeter thinking of sending out a message during his off-stage solo? Perhaps, perhaps not. Either way, I still listened to that solo, and I made it mean something to me, even if it meant nothing to him.

Does music lose it's meaning if it's not played perfectly? I like to think that it doesn't. I've certainly never played something perfectly, but that doesn't mean I want it to lose all meaning to people listening. I kind of wish people, whether in Wind Ensemble or not, would look more for the meaning in music, and maybe concentrate less on how technically well we played it. Perhaps not as much in rehearsals. In rehearsals, by all means, concentrate on technical stuff, listen for note / rhythm, etc. mistakes, and fix them. But when it comes to concerts...I mean, how we play is how we play. We can't fix anything mid-concert. So why not concentrate on things you can't fix, things that the listeners can't tell you was right or wrong?

Anyways, that's my personal opinion. Take it or leave it, it doesn't matter to me. I say I don't care what people think of me, but apparently I do, or I would have said this a long time ago. It's just hard to stand up for a group when everybody's putting it down. It hurt me, personally, which made it hard for me to stand up against everybody and say that I didn't think we were as bad as everybody makes out. Does that say something about what kind of person I am?

But back to being proud of the ensembles I'm in. It's true for All-Cities too. I know we're definitely not the best, but...somehow I still find it difficult to say that we're awful. And I know we used to be amazing. Is it wrong that I want to stay in it, because I'm sure if I stick around long enough, it'll hit an amazing year again? And I know that certain people were invited to be in it, and I know certain people who are already in it told them that it really wasn't worth it. But how are we going to get any better if we don't get more people into it? Does nobody else understand that? Maybe it's not great, but the only way we're going to get better is if we invite people to come. Let them decide for themselves whether it's worth it or not.

I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle here. Both with the All-Cities thing and especially with the Vic Lewis thing. You know when you feel like things are split 51 to 49? Well, right now it's like there's the whole world on one side, and then there's me. Is it crazy for me to stick up for bands? I was about to ask if it's crazy for me to stick up for bands that don't deserve it, but that definitely doesn't sound right. Every ensemble deserves to have somebody stick up for them.

It just bugs me so much whenever any ensemble is being put down. And I know I do it too. But still. It seems like whenever I'm listening for the potential in a group, everybody else is listening for how much they're not together, or how out of tune they are, or how unbalanced they are, or some other fault.

Maybe I'm doing what our honour band conductor said at the music conference. She said that all musicians have something to say with their music. Maybe they don't have as much to say as professional musicians, who have not only more technical training, but also more life experience, but they still have something to say. Maybe I'm listening to that thing that they're trying to say.

I just realized my blog is going to be kinda long tonight...I might just go of on multiple shpeals...oh well. That's what you get for venturing into Robyn's blog.

So, might as well stay on the same track for now. Music. Sometimes I have these really scary thoughts that maybe this isn't what I'm meant to do in life. Maybe there is something out there that I like more than music, and I just haven't found it yet. A lot of people say they didn't find out what they wanted to do with their life until they were halfway through university. I've been wanting to do music since grade 9. Grade 9! That's definitely not half-way through university. I'm kinda really scared I'll be in my second year of university or something and it'll suddenly hit me that there's something else I want to do, and it'll totally turn my whole life around. Would it make it seem like my whole life building up to that point was...a waste? Maybe not to that extent, but still.

However, there are also amazing moments that make me forget all about that. The best example recently was the CYO in Banff. We played Brahms 4. Amazing, especially for a song that I didn't actually like all that much at first. I just totally got lost in it. My mood literally changed as we played through the symphony, depending on the mood of the music. There were parts that I didn't even worry about technique or tuning, because it just happened. I just got lost in the music. Afterwards, or even between movements, I found myself, this is why I want to do music.

Which is funny, thinking back to a sectional with Stephen Frans last year. He was saying that it was stuff like Brahms 4 that reminded him why he went into music. And I remember thinking 'wow, I'll never be able to be that affected by a symphony' and going into another one of those mini panic attacks, thinking that I don't actually have what it takes to go into music and all that. And now look at my reaction to it.

It was just such a good feeling, I loved it so much. Maybe I'll refer to it more often when I go into those moments of doubt.

Oh, what else should I talk about. Well, if I'm going on a shpeal, I might as well include the whole deal.

Busy has pretty much been my middle name lately. I don't know how I'm keeping up with everything. Well, actually I do, it's called faking. But usually you get caught eventually when you fake, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I do, so I'd better get my act together.

The one thing that's been worrying me lately, in terms of being busy, is music council. I've been so busy, I haven't quite been as involved as I want to be, which isn't exactly good, seeing as I'm president and everything.

There was this particular instance when I thought I knew everything we had discussed, and I knew our tentative plans and everything, and then suddenly somebody comes to be and says, oh, by the way, these aren't tentative anymore, and we are actually doing all this, and we've already talked to these people. That was kind of a slap in the face. It just suddenly made me feel like I'm really not doing all I should be.

On the other hand, it also makes me wonder if I'm just being controlling, because I definitely don't want to be controlling.

I don't know what to think anymore. There are times when I wonder if Kate would be a better president, because she has more time, and there are times when I wonder if she cares about the program more. But at the same time, I become selfish, since I have been dreaming about being president since grade 10. That's a long time. And believe me, it was so cool to think that I'm actually achieving something I had planned two years ago. I love it.

There are various other thoughts I have, that I don't think I'll be sharing with you tonight, if ever. Things that I've been going over and thinking about. Yes, they do have to do with various what's-his-faces. (I've found out that whenever there's a guy involved with anybody in a relationship-type way, I refer to him as what's-his-face). I dunno, I don't really want to share details, since I'm not completely sure how I feel anymore. Why does this always happen? I seem to fool myself into thinking I know how I feel about somebody, and then suddenly it all changes on me. Why can't I be more like Mr. Logic? He always knows everything, and I'm just all over the place sometimes...more like often. But we won't go into Mr. Logic right now.

Anyways, there's a little bit of missing people going on, and general confusion, and perhaps some over thinking going on, and yes, I'll admit there's a little bit of jealousy in there too.

So...yeah. If anything clears up, I'll mention it, but right now I'm generally confused about things. I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I've been meaning to mention this for a while, and I keep forgetting. But I love nicknames with a passion. Honestly. I'm not completely sure what it is about them. I love them like I love inside jokes. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I never really had super close friends with whom I could have inside jokes and nicknames and such with until...well, grade 9, really. It just makes me feel special when I'm close enough with somebody to have insides jokes with them. And nicknames. Which means it kinda sucks that I don't have a name that's more nickname friendly. Oh well.

That's also kinda why I don't mind being identified as 'bassoon' rather than by my name. For slightly different reasons, but still. I really don't mind being associated more by my instrument then by my name. To an extent but still.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really leaving myself anything to look forward to in university. I mean, I've already joined a university ensemble, I'm being integrated (perhaps) into a chamber group, which we may or may not be performing, and I basically try in any other way possible to be involved at the university. So am I really leaving anything to look forward to?

I'm over thinking, I know I am. But still, I wonder sometimes if being so involved is good. Although I did have a chat with Gareth on our way to U of C Symphonic Band, and it was so encouraging, I loved it. I love having talks with people who encourage you. I mean, I love having talks with people who present a different view on things too, but sometimes it's nice to be encouraged, rather then have a talk with somebody who thinks it's their duty to expand your horizons.

I found out how much I actually love the feeling of being awake during the day, and not being in danger of falling asleep if you sit still for too long. Only problem with that is now I've been not doing my homework because I've been going to bed instead. It's not fair to have to choose between doing work and sleeping. Sleeping is necessary, but teachers don't tend to care if you way, well, it was between getting at least 6 hours of sleep or getting this done and getting 2 hours of sleep. It sucks. But oh well. I'll have to deal with it somehow.

Okay, I can't even go into detail about how much I have to do, and how much little time I have to do it, or I'll start going into the pains of despair and wonder why I'm doing all this to myself. But I know why I'm doing it. I'm going in search of what I mentioned above. I know I'm busy, but would I actually want to give up anything of what I have now? Not really.

Alright, I'm off to do something with my life.


"Me and my reed aren't exactly on good relationship terms right now. Normally we'd just sit down to talk, and I'd tell him that if we can't work this out, I can just move on and hook up with a another reed. But that won't exactly work right now, because he knows he's the only reed I have that mostly works."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

And now for something completely different

Me: Henry, we were just talking about how you make this piece happen. (meant in the most suggestive way possible)

Glenn: Yeah, well I can make this song happen.

Me: But Henry can make *anything* happen. *wink*

Glenn: Well I...nevermind.

Me: Hah, you can't make dirty jokes with just anybody since you have a girlfriend now.

Glenn: Yeah, that's why I stopped.

Me: See, I'm single. I can make dirty jokes with anybody I want to. I like a joke whore!

And that's my conclusion of the day.


"I have to know which one is cuter, so I can eat the other one, and then stare at the cute one until I decide to eat it too."

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Emotions for the day

Deja vu. Definitely some of that in there. Same place, same chair, same song...scary.

I got the weird sense that everything was going to change, because that's how I felt last year. Last year I spent that whole time dreading the fact that after this time, everything was going to be different, and I'd have to change all over again to keep up with it.

But at the same time, I knew that nothing was really changing, because this was their day. This is their day to change. It doesn't really affect me at all. It was such a weird feeling to feel like everything around me was changing, but knowing that my life itself was going to stay relatively the same. 'Twas odd.

Wonder / joy. It was so cool to sit there and hear everybody clapping and cheering. I mean, I know I've seen it happen before, but for some reason it meant more this time. I loved thinking that I'll be there some day, and they'll be clapping for me.

Hokay, I actually thought I had more to say on the topic of emotions today, but then I got typing, and I realized I don't actually have that much I feel I need to say. Whatevs.

However, I do think all my teachers are going to hate me for missing class all the time. I liked the fact that when I mentioned it to my mom, she was like 'well, do you really care what your high school teachers think about you?' which was nice. Still.

I also had a little scare today, thinking that maybe I've been too limited. Like, focusing so much on music and not as much on other things in life. But it's not like I ignore other things completely right? I do have a broader horizon then just music things.

Oh goodness, the excitement in life just never ends, does it? I was told that from high school into university, it changes from music drama to music politics. But listening to people talk today during our break, it kinda sounds like there's still drama. Maybe not to the extent of high school, but I think it's still there. Is that a good thing? I'm not sure. My opinion of drama is totally double sided.

Two quotes today.


"Music is definitely a very hard profession to go into, maybe even one of the hardest. I mean, what other job can you get where your boss can tell you when you can't breathe?!"

"Okay, when we pass by this hallway, do the following: glance to the right, slow down, drool a little..."

(I lied, three)

"Excuse me, we are admiring the sport of gymnastics, and nothing more."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Practice, my love.

I actually practiced today, for the first time in...well, a long enough time that I'm ashamed to even name it. It felt so nice. Just me and Mia, and whatever sound came out. I spend pretty much two hours on scales. Two scales, to be exact. An hour for each. It felt nice to think that I can actually play those scales now, that I actually might know them inside and out.

My pieces didn't feel as good as my scales did. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just in the mood to work purely on technique, and just let things roll off my fingers, note after note, rather than worry about dynamics, and rhythms and everything else. I don't know. I was in a scale mood.

I'm not really self-conscious about my playing. I mean, I don't think I'm all high and mighty or anything. I'll leave that for the trumpets. But I don't exactly always worry about people hearing me. I suppose that's a good thing. It's just weird to talk to friends who worry about people hearing them practice, or who hate being judged or having their playing compare to other people, or competition. I've never really had a problem with other people hearing me practice. Sure, it gives me a chance to show off. Yeah, if they listen to me practice they'll hear me mess up, but whatever. Such is life. Deal with it.

As for being judged, people judge you everyday for anything. It's been happening since the dawn of time. I'm almost more worried about being judged for things outside of music than I am about people judging my playing. Yeah, I would like people to think I'm good. But if people don't like how I play when I'm doing the best I can...well, too bad. I'm still working on it. Deal with it. It's the same with being compared to other people's playing. It happens. That's the way it is.

And competition I never actually thought about as being negative. It's just how the music world works. If you're the best there is, you get jobs, you get gigs, you get recognized. If you're not, well, you're not. Maybe it's different for different music genres, and it's because I'm in classical that competition seems natural, but still. I've never thought much about it. It just seems like an odd concept to me to hate competition if you're going into music. But that's just me.

I've also discovered I'm very apathetic when I'm on band trips. Not about the music or anything related like that. Just things like...changing just around the corner when guys are in the room, or leaving my suitcase open when other people are hanging out in the room. I'm just like...whatever. Deal with it.

I said I was going to go to bed early ish, and apparently I'm not going to. Oh well.

I'm still trying to find what I have to say with my music. Is it something that eventually just comes naturally, or are musicians continuously searching for things to say with their music? I would think they'd always be finding things to say. Maybe it just becomes easier to say them as time goes on.

It's just like another language, right? Even with our first language, as we grow and gain more experience, we find it easier and easier to express ourselves to other people. Music's probably the same. We never run out of things to say, or the things we do say never loose meaning just because we've said similar things before. We just find different, and perhaps better ways of expressing things.

Maybe that didn't make any sense. It does to me.

I'm having spontaneous little depressing panic attacks. It's really weird. It freaked me out for a good 15 minutes the other night before I was able to convince myself it was okay and move my mind onto other thoughts. Don't worry about me (not that I'm assuming you are or anything) it's not serious. Just one of those things that gets to me when I'm given time to think.

More reasons why Robyn shouldn't be able to think. It's bad for her.

As a side note, I can't wait to get into university, but at the same time I'm terrified of high school ending.

For the record, I can't keep my princes straight. Unless their super amazing...but even then, it's questionable. Thomas from Pocahontas still beats them all anyways. He was super cute. Pity he didn't get a bigger role. But then he probably would have gone all egotistic like all the other main guys in movies. Let Mr. John Smith take that role. I'll take Thomas any day.


"Pillars of skeletons and fish bones!"

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Don't think this happens all the time

So, I pretty much had a mini mental orgasm today when we were talking about star gazing, and a nice place to star gaze.

It was really weird.


"See, my dad does actually have a gun so..."
"You always denied that!"
"Well, of course I did. Otherwise you never would have come to my house."

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Discovery Channel

Today we'll be following a particular species, of the male variety, through part of his daily routine.

This particular male interested many of our staff, and we decided to give him the codename 'Bob'.

Our experience with Bob started at approx. 10:40 today. We watched as he made his way into a popular resting area, and proceeded to have a late morning snack. It was the eating habits of Bob that was really fascinating. He seemed to have a liking for vegetables, peas in particular.

First Bob would carefully split the pea pod in half, and empty all the peas. He then started to make a little piles of peas, and then he would eat the pea pod. He continued to do this with several pea pods, and his pile of pea pods grew immensely. We're sure that he intended to eat the peas eventually, however our camera crew unfortunately had to leave before we could see the thrilling conclusion to Bob's snack.

And, there's my discovery channel entry for the day. As weird as it may seem. I find it amusing.

Favorite things in life:
Mashed potatoes.
Chocolate mousse.
Anonymous comments.
People coming to say hi just for the sake of saying hi.
Random smiles.
People assuring you that they're always there for you.
People asking if you're okay because they honestly care, not because they feel they're obligated to ask.
Feeling safe in your own bed.
Inside jokes.
Random acts of kindness.
Feeling so light you're positive you could fly if you wanted to.
Laughing until it hurts.
Smiling, and knowing you couldn't stop if you tried.
Being surrounded by people who you can be yourself with.
Not having to pretend all the time.
Cues from the conductor.
Having the conductor call you by name.
Playing without thinking about who's listening.
Waking up in the middle of the night and knowing you can go back to sleep.
Getting so involved with a book you forget about your own life.
Hoping and wishing, even if you know it won't come true.
Remembering your dreams in the morning.
Heart-to-heart talks.
Having somebody to look up to.
Becoming the person you look up to.
Feeling like you could do anything you want to.
Feeling like nothing can stop you.
Knowing that others are behind you all the way.

I don't really need cues from the conductor. Generally I count fairly well and I usually know where I am. But that doesn't mean I don't like having them. It really does feel good when the conductor looks right at you the second before you're supposed to come in. Maybe it's just because I'm a bassoon, and so conductor's are generally busier cuing trumpets and flutes rather than bassoons, but still. I love it when we get cues. Makes me feel like I'm maybe actually contributing something to the band.

And I think I realized just recently that for the first time, I've actually become somebody I look up to. I remember in grade 10, when I first found out there was a music council, and that there was a president of the music council, I wanted to be president so bad. For the one year that we had in school together, I totally looked up to Kaity. I wanted to be as cool as her. And recently, I realized that I'm kind of there. I am president of the music council, for good or for bad, which I had been thinking about since the beginning of grade 10. That's a long time to be dreaming of something like that. Now, about being as cool as Kaity, I'm not sure if I've achieved that. But every once in a while a grade 10 with throw me an encouraging comment that makes me feel like maybe I'm making a difference.

It also makes me think of the people I look up to now, and wondering if maybe I can eventually become them as well. It's an exciting thought.


"I sizzle Robyn, for being an amazing bassoon player. She's so dedicated to the music program, and she does wonderful work for the music council. I hope she never gives up on her dream."

Sunday, November 04, 2007

For better or worse


"You really need to smarten up your act. First of all, I show up to our first rehearsal and you're hogging out music stand so that I can't see a thing. Then I come here to find that you've pushed me off the steps and out of the ensemble completely. Am I not a part of this group too? What did I do to deserve being treated like this? You need to stop acting like a little pre-madonna and start treating other people with some respect. I sit beside Stephen Frans in the CPO and he treats me like a human-being, so I should get the same treatment from you. You can't just walk in here and steal the show. You need to change your attitude towards other people if you intend to get anywhere in music."


Every time I think about this, I want to cry. Seriously, I'm absolutely terrified of you. I was even before you said all that.

But I do have some things in response to all that. First of all, you never even mentioned you couldn't see the music on the stand. I'm not telepathic. I can't tell if you can't see it, and I can't see out of your eyes. If you had even

commented on the fact that it was hard to see, I would have been more then willing to let you move the stand however you wanted so that you could see it perfectly.

Second of all, the second row was super-crowded. We could hardly fit in the french horns. Now, I know I could have done more to make sure there was room for you, but I'm not the only person in the row. Not only am I not the only person there, I was also the youngest in the group, and only a guest. Not that those are excuses, but to an extend, I was very intimidated by the group itself, and I wanted to make sure I was in the right spot, never mind asking everybody else to move. You also could have taken the initiative to gently ask me, or anybody else in the second row, if we could all move over to make room for you. But if you like scaring the hell out of me instead, by all means, don't let me stop you.

So yeah, a lot of what you said made me mad, simply because it's not all my fault. Yes, I could have taken more responsibility for things, but you could have too.

Yeah, it makes me mad. But my fear is so much greater then my anger. You were absolutely terrifying. Then again, I've never had things like that said to me, so maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But still. I do think some of that was uncalled for.

So thanks for making me cry for an entire 30 minutes before our concert. Thanks for making me think more about holding myself together rather then making music during the first half of the concert. But at the same time, thanks for showing me how decent other people are. I can tell you there were about 5 people that night that approached me and spoke to me about it, and they were all 3 times nicer then I could ever imagine you being now.

I hope you know that no matter how mad I may be, I will always be terrified of you, and in an ideal world, I would avoid you for the rest of my life. But I'm also going into music, so that makes me think that maybe we're bound to run into each other again. But hopefully that moment can be put off until I'm maybe a little stronger and not affected so much by these sorts of things.

I felt so young after those things were said. I just wanted to find a corner, or my mom, or a friend or something and just cry. But that's not so easy when you have a concert to play in half an hour. So I did what my mom said, and I just tried to hold myself together and play the concert like a professional would. Even if he doesn't think I'm a professional.

Okay, on to other things, because even thinking about that so much has gotten me scared again.

I love heart-to-heart talks with a complete passion. I'm not even kidding. There is rarely a moment when I don't love them. Especially the one on Saturday. That totally made my life complete. I'd like to think that my life might improve a lot now. Maybe, maybe not. But I'm almost positive that things will be better. Which almost makes the last few months worth it. Looking back, of course. At the time, it was hell. But that's another story, maybe one that's ready to be put on the bookshelf for a while.

In other news, I'm going to be insanely busy for the next two months. Wish me luck.

Time to crawl into my bed and recover. I feel safe in my bed.

(P.S: Vic Lewis. I'm so excited. And slightly nervous at the same time.)


"Wow, I look at your life, and I think, how many guys have I had in my life?"