Friday, May 30, 2008

Just kidding

Have you ever spent an entire night thinking about something, and going over it so many times that you're dizzy, until you finally decide to sleep on it, and then you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think when you open your eyes is 'Am I crazy? That's ridiculous."

I always find it amusing.

For that reason, I try not to make important decisions at night. Always sleep on it.

I have to attempt to fix my hair for tonight. Meaning take it out of it's braids, shower, and then braid it again. =P

Less than a week!

I can't imagine what it'll be like. Of course, I've had so much to do this week, I haven't exactly had time to even try to imagine what it'll be like. I think this is something I'll end up just putting out of my mind, other than collecting pledges, of course, but as for the actual event of what I'm doing, I'll just end up not thinking about it at all, or what it'll be like.

Wednesday will be a shocker.

And that was an incredibly long sentence. I apologize.

Time to go before I start rambling.

And Corey, if you read this, I need to chat with you sometime. About this coming Wednesday. I hope you're not busy in the evening.

And I love you. =)



"Woah, with these things, I can do anything!"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Turning into Gatsby

As Chloe once put it: How appropriate of a title.

I liked grad a lot. Like, really.

I didn't even find the ceremony that boring. I mean, the reading of the names was a little tedious, but I had friends spread out over the entire alphabet, and I knew at least every third person or so (and by knew, I mean, I've seen them in the hallways once or twice) so I always had somebody to watch or look forward to.

I love Corey so much. Actually. From leading my around by the arm (or vice versa, whichever one it was =P), to holding hands, it was just soo much fun, and I'm so glad he came.

Seriously, we were a great grad couple. I really enjoyed grad, despite the fire bell and more than half the people leaving. Whatever.

I didn't dance with everybody I was planning to dance with, but I got the two dances that I wanted to get, so it's all good.

Corey's the first guy I ever danced close with (as in, not even the close dance position...actually just having both arms around each other), the first guy I danced with and put my head on his shoulder, and the first guy I danced with and closed my eyes basically the entire time. It was great. And it was to Rascal Flatts 'My Wish', which is such a great song, and so perfect for our situation, I think. Maybe that's just me.

And then he kissed me on the cheek afterwards. =) He's the best guy ever. I challenge you to find a friend as good as Corey. It's a toughy.

My other dance was with Ryley. Which seemed really appropriate to me. I mean, from the initial crush, friendship, a serious crush, first dates, going out, cheesy moments, gelato, loving phone calls until 5:00 in the morning, loving letters, all the meaningful secrets, not speaking, being overall confused, breaking up, getting back together, actually breaking up, not even looking at each other, hesitantly speaking to each other, eventually clearing things up and confessing, to finally being comfortable friends again, and all the laughter, tears, and both loving and hateful feelings in between, how could it possibly have been a complete grad without a dance with Ryley?

...Okay, maybe that's just me, but I hope you can at least imagine where I'm coming from, right?

"It's been three years. You want to go dance?"

That's pretty much how it went down. I thought it was clever. Maybe he just thought it was stupid. But it seemed very movie like, and I came up with that on Monday, so I wanted to use it. It's not often that I can use clever lines like that in real life.

And that really was fun. Besides the fact that he can dance way better than I can, and I missed the Octopus every time we tried to do it, but we pulled it off in our own way, and that's all that matters.

And Kelsk's was a lot of fun too.

Lesson learned: Complete exhaustion and alcohol don't mix. Don't try that at home children.

Not that it was horrible or anything, it's just that when I drink, than exhaustion hits me really hard, and if I'm already there when I start drinking...I wasn't exactly hardcore partying or anything. =P Not that any of us were. Unless you count sitting in a circle, drinking (either coolers, iced tea, or water, depending on your preference), chatting, eating chips, putting on a movie and eventually crashing on wherever we happened to be lying at the time, hardcore partying. =P

I have had a lot of extremely long sentences tonight, haven't I? Oh well, that's what you get when Robyn tries to fit a lot of events into a semi-short blog so she can go to bed and be rested for her dress rehearsal in the morning. And lessons...and practicing for said lessons...and then a concert...and then a reception type thing afterwards...oh dear. Yet another long day.

How is June almost here already? Is it just me, or did May just fly by?

Hopefully after this week (which is my version of hell week) things will slow down slightly. Although, seeing as I'm looking at a window right now and seeing my motivation for physics flying out of it, next week could also be potentially difficult in its own way.

At least it left a gift basket and a card:

Robyn, it is summer
I'm leaving just for kicks
I left a little present
Called apathy for physics.



I wonder if I can tie a bone to its tail, and it'll just chase it around in circles during physics, leaving me to actually concentrate. Or maybe I can just teach it to lay down, and it can have a nap while I'm working.

Because obviously thinking about training a mental image of my own apathy for physics won't be distracting at all...

I always wanted to be a creative thinking, like Rebecca or Harker. I really want to think like they do, because I really admire them.

If Harker read this...what would he actually think of me? 'This is the girl I teach in class?' 'Did her friends drug her?' 'How has she managed to function in normal society for 18 years?'

Speaking of Harker, I meant to say hi to him at the banquet, but I never got around to it. Oh well.

Speaking of the banquet, I quite enjoyed the speeches, even if they were slightly long. Especially Dana's. It made my night.

I have a particularly sharp purple pencil crayon, and I have the urge to colour...I love colouring with pencil crayons...especially when they're nicely sharpened.

I also watched Happy Feet at Kelsk's this morning. Good movie. It's cute. Although Mumble really should've grown up at some point in the movie...come on, he didn't hatch that late.

And I need to ask Corey how work went today...and make sure he's still alive after getting basically an hour of sleep and then going to work for a full day...I feel bad for that one, but I hope he had fun.

At grad, I mean, not work. Although it'd be a bonus if he had fun at work to, being as tired as I'm sure he was.

I'm rambling. I need to get to bed.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.


"It's going to be the single most important day in your life so far, and you're going to be wearing rubber bracelets?"

Monday, May 26, 2008

Oh boy

I'm not in the best mood. Basically I don't want to talk to any member of my family. Nor do I want them reading over my shoulder while I write this. Nor do I want them anywhere near me, which means my brother attempting to sleep on the couch right behind me is not doing any good for my emotional state right now.

I saw Rae's dress today. It's drop dead gorgeous. It makes my dress look boring. And it reminds me of how disappointed I really am about the colour. I hate grad.

I also need to talk to Corey about grad. And next Wednesday. Why isn't that boy on msn?

I have so much stuff to do, and I know I won't even finish it until next week. Between grad and the whole concert deal with the CPO, this week is crazy. CPO deal is definitely slightly stressful. Messing up in front of professionals? Not so good. I'm kinda glad I'm on 2nd. Did I say kinda? I meant really.

And scholarships! Ah! I need to figure those out, preferable before June. Which is, surprise Robyn! This Sunday!! How did May go by so fast? Really.

My choices today were as such:


Stay at school during spare
Take the bus home <--- Select

Take the bus home = 1 hour 20 minutes

Be happy that I have music
Be happy that I'm in the rain
Be upset that I had 500 pounds of crap on my back <--- Select

Arrive home:

Make food
Go on computer
Go in room to avoid all contact <--- Select

Go in room:

Read English book
Work on English assignment
Study Physics
Play Nintendo DS <--- Select

Play DS:

Do Sudoku to attempt to increase brain power
Play mindless game using little thought <--- Select

Doesn't that just scream that I'm heading to a life full of success?

The problem with this time of year is that my mind gets into summer thinking before summer actually arrives.

If I can live through this week, I swear I'll be able to deal with anything else that comes after.

And I'm also having a pie / cake potluck party at my house on Sunday. I love hosting parties, I'm just not good at actually planning it myself. So it'll be good I think.


"I'm not until P, so I have loads of time. Heck, I'll go for a coffee, maybe grab some lunch...I'll just have my parents text me when they get to the Os."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I have quite a lot I'd like to blog about today. Today was a good day. First, I'll start with what I've been meaning to blog about for...well, quite a while now.

For everybody who hasn't heard, I just broke the news today. Well, except for my parents, I told them last night. Anyways, big news: I'm shaving my head for cancer. June 4th. Very exciting, I know.

There's been a lot of questions about how I came to this conclusion, so I figured I'd just write it all down here, and then refer to it, because honestly, I don't want to go through this entire story every time I'm asked. I actually don't think it's really as long or exciting as I'm making it out to be...I told Ryley today, and I'm sure he was like 'well, that's a big build up for a whole lot of nothing' but oh well. It's a big deal for me. And, if nobody else, I know Kelsk knows that.

Anyways, it started half way through grade 11. Basically when I was going through my whole break-up thing. Rebecca had shaved her head around that time, and I was talking to her one time when she mentioned she did it because she really needed a change. I thought to myself, that's a good idea, that'd be a good thing for me to do, since I also feel like I need a change. But, to be honest, my hair is really my safety blanket. One of the biggest ones I have, I think. And the one that I've had the longest. So I decided against that idea, but I did happen to store it away in my mind. File, save. As Ryley...or Adam...put it. I can't remember which one.

Later that year Christine cut her hair really short. She told me that she would have shaved it, but her parents didn't want her to. That sparked more thoughts in my mind, and I began to wonder if I would want to do that at the end of high school. I mean, I'd be going into a new environment, with a little bit of a chance to create a new image for myself, so what better way to start than rid myself of something I've been leaning on for the past few years? File, save.

Through summer that thought remained there, undecided upon, but certainly not ignored. I pretty much just pondered on it, and by the time grade 12 started, I was fairly sure that I was going to do it.

So this whole past year I haven't been considering whether to do it, so much as I've been waiting for it to finally come. I've had relapses various times. I've wanted to chicken out. These feelings weren't so seriously throughout the year as they were in the week before I actually had to sign up to do it.

Maybe the decision would have been easier if I hadn't just come back from somewhere where my hair had acted exactly as the safety blanket it is. At NYB I got a bunch of attention for my hair, which is exactly the reason I've hesitated shaving it. I like things that make me different in a crowd of people, and my hair has always done that for me. I'll admit, I am a little afraid that by losing my hair, I'll lose something that gets me a little more attention as an individual.

However, I don't go almost a year and a half thinking about something, and then not do it. By the time May rolled around, I knew that if I didn't do it, I probably wouldn't trust myself again for a long time. If I have only a few seconds to wind myself up for something and then I chicken out...well, I can usually live with that. But winding myself up for an entire year, and then dropping out at the last moment? No. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.

So here we are. I'll be honest with you, going into this whole thing, I was thinking about me. I'm doing this for me. I didn't even remember that this whole shaving thing was actually helping people with cancer until I was reading the information package for the pledge sheets. But, as Kelsk put it, a lot of people doing this haven't had their hair this length, for this long. Yes, I'm really happy I'll be helping people with this. But at the same time, this is for me.

There we go. June 4th, it'll be all gone. I'll be expecting Kelsk to hold my hand the whole time. I still get kind of scared when I think of how it'll be gone, but it'll be good for me. Whenever I looked at it logically, I totally wanted it gone. It takes at least an extra hour to deal with when I shower, when I'm lazy I don't feel like showering because I'll have to deal with it, it just gets in the way, etc...Really, it's only the emotional aspect of it that's holding me back in any way. But now I've jumped in headfirst. (haha, headfirst, head shaving...)

Bonus question: I've named my biggest safety blanket here. 10 extra points if you can name my second biggest safety blanket I have. No extra points for Miranda, since she already guessed it, and none to Adam or Ryley, because I already told them.

Once you get that one, I'll go over some of my smaller safety blankets. Especially the one that many people guess first, and yet I've never actually considered it one. At least, as not as big as these other ones.

Alright, change of subject. File, save, send. File, new document.

I looked in the mirror this afternoon, and it was one of those times that I thought of everybody who's ever said I was cute, or beautiful, or anything like that...and I truly believed them. It's an awesome feeling.

You know what else is an awesome feeling? Looking back in you're life and knowing that you wouldn't change anything, because you're happy with who you are and where you are.

I'm saying this, not only because I really do feel it right now, because also because I kind of want to spite my uncle's little speech in the kitchen. I was talking about Randall, who's going into linguistics, and he's all like, 'why? what point is there in doing that? she'll never be able to do anything with that.' to which I replied, 'why not? because she can, and it's what she wants to do, leave her alone.'

My uncle can be a pretty cool guy, but at the same time, sometimes I really do believe he has the wrong view about life. After we made that point, he went on to talk about degrees, and how you need a good one to actually make money and whatnot and so forth, etc. Not things that I really want to go over. The only good thing is that this conversation happened when I'm in a particularly good mood, and therefore it didn't upset me all that much.

Anyways, at some point my mom asked that if he could go back and change anything, would he really? And he replied wholeheartedly that he would. Which is a depressing thought, I think. I'm not sure I could live with myself, knowing that I want to go back and change what I've done. I had to live with that feeling for only a couple months, and I was miserable. The day I realized that I was happy with who I was, and I wouldn't want to change it is counted among one of the greatest days of my life. I have to wonder if my uncle really does believe he would change, and if so, how he lives with himself.

This conversation also made me think that my uncle's quality of life kind of spins around money. Or at least that's how he makes it out to be. He doesn't seem to be a fan of careers that don't offer a lot of money, aka, music and fine arts, aka, the exact careers that both me and my brother are planning to go into.

But you know what? That doesn't bother me all that much. You know why? Because I have wonderful parents who fully accept the fact that maybe I won't ever be among the wealthiest of people, but they know that I'll always do what will make me happy. I love hearing my dad, or my mom, talk about how happy I am doing what I'm doing, even though both of us know that it might not ever make me a lot of money. That's okay with me. I'm pretty sure I'll never be poor. Many musicians in the world are doing perfectly fine doing just music, and many of them are performers, not all teachers. I'm not worried, and I'm glad that my parents aren't either. I'm also eternally grateful that my parents have accepted the fact that I may be living at home for the next few years...=)

File, save, send. File, new document, new title.

A Tribute.

He's always reliable.

He'll always help you as well as he possibly can.

He'll give you the respect you deserve, if you'll do the same for him.

He always gives a downbeat and cues that you can depend on.

I love the funny little winks he'll give before, during, or after a solo.

I love the little smile he gives when we've done something well...or, alternatively, awful.

I love the funny faces he'll make when we mess up, or when something else eventful happens.

When the CBE were filming today, I'd see him conducting, and every once in a while, he'd just give a little glance towards the camera guy. It gave me this sudden vision in my head of a dog, with puppies. The dog will let people go in and see the puppies, and play with them and whatnot, but he's always watchful, and ready to step in if anything's wrong, or if the puppies need him.

I'm not sure why this came to mind. It's not like he had any reason to feel he needed to protect us from this camera guy or anything. But still. Just the comparison in my head made me want to smile.

Have you ever felt like a wave of pure positive emotion, be it joy, love, or anything else, simply wash over you? I love that feeling. It happened a few times today.

Today was such a good day.

Ooh! File, save. File, new document.

I just remembered another topic I meant to bring up.

Have you ever thought you knew somebody, and then you suddenly find out something that completely opposes what you thought you knew?

I've only ever really had two emotions connected with this event. One is the feeling of disappointment. Either you're sad that you really didn't know them that well, or sad because of how much they've changed since you really knew them.

However, the other emotion isn't negative. I'm not really sure whether I should call it a positive emotion, but it's certainly not negative. I'm not even sure if there's a single word to use to describe it. Excitement? Anticipation? I don't know.

It's the feeling that now there's this whole new side of them for you to discover. The feeling that by discovering this new side, you'll become closer, and better friends.

There's something about me that likes discovering different sides to people. Maybe it's because, when I'm around people I don't know, whether it's in the crowded hallways or on the bus, or anywhere, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there's so much about these people that I don't know. I'm probably already judging most of them, based on their appearance, or apparent attitude, but really, I know nothing about them, and there could be so much more to them than what I see. And it's amazing to me that I'm the same way to them. To them, I'm just another face, and they know nothing about me.

Now, I know the only reason this probably seems amazing to me is because I have no idea what it's like to know nothing about me, since I know more about me than anybody else does. I'm not going to say I know everything about me. I'm very aware that there are some aspects of me, and my mind, and my way of thinking, that just doesn't make sense. And trying to figure it out has just sent me in circles, and I've gone spiraling down into a whirlpool of thoughts and questions until I'm drowning, and the only way to save myself is to stop trying to reach the answers I'm looking for, which lay at the bottom of the water, and return to the surface, without ever even catching a glimpse of what those answers may be, sitting at the bottom in some barnacle covered chest, as all sea treasure is.

I'm certain that I've been this blog probably five times longer than it needs to be, by attempting to cover at least five different subjects in one night. But it needed to be done, and now it is.

Forgive me, for I will be using a quote from a week ago, but I still find it amusing. That, and I don't feel like attempting to remember a good one from today, although there are many.

Wait. File, cut. Correction: I don't feel like writing a quote from today, because all the good quotes from today come from the two sex talks I had, one with Aidan and Kelsk, and one with Ryley and Adam. They were so good. I'm not gonna lie, I find sex a great topic of conversation. There is no such thing as too much sex in a conversation.

Have you ever known somebody who, no matter how long you've been talking, at the end, when you both have to go your separate ways, you always end up feeling like you didn't say as much as you wanted? Or that you've both still left topics undiscussed that you would love to talk about?

I can't figure out if this is a good, or a bad, feeling. Bad, because than no matter how much you hang out, you'll always leave with a sense of regret that it's over, which is bound to put a little bit of bad taste on an otherwise awesome time. But also good, because that's got to mean that no matter how much you hang out together, you'll never run out of things to talk about. And that's a good thing, yes?

Hm. Seems like I may have stumbled onto yet another topic that is better left unthought about, lest I fall into the giant whirlpool of unanswerable questions.

My spell-check is telling me that 'unthought' isn't a word, but I think it sounds good where it is, so I shall leave it. And let all the english majors and grammar freaks who read this have their own little heart attack.

I said I was going to leave quite a while ago. Now I actually have too, as it's 10:49, and I have yet to start that physics lab that's due tomorrow.


"You want to know why I had trouble getting my tie off? Halfway through taking off our sweaters to sexy music, I realized that my father was watching this."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My iPod reads my mind

I'm not really in the mood to blog about anything too deep. I have a few deep topics that I've thought about, but I'm not in the mood at the moment to really go into those.

I confessed to a couple people, and now I think I feel better. Now, I believe, is the time to stop talking about it, and sharing it, and start living with it. Yes?

I have barely two weeks to get everything done. What am I doing? Homework? Of course not. Going to bed to recharge myself for these next few intense weeks? Nope. Instead I'm exploring the power of bookmarks and other various things on the computer. Insane.


"So do you have an XBox or a Playstation 3?"
"I have a cello."

Sunday, May 18, 2008


I can't pinpoint when I felt this way. I remember the feeling, and I think it was sometime this week, but I can't be positive. I just remember it suddenly hitting me that I hadn't felt the need to just sit and daydream. Usually I rely on daydreams. A mindless way to get out of my own reality, and into something that I can control, and that I can make go any way I want to.

I love that. I love it when life is just sweeping me away and I have no reason to feel like I have to get away from it, or create something different for myself. There once was a long period of time where life was like that. Not so much anymore, but it makes the little times like that all the more special.

And then there are moments like right now, where I don't even want to think about the coming week, and I feel like I want to spend every moment from now until Tuesday in a world of my own, away from all the things I'm eventually going to be forced to think about, and deal with.

The thought hit me a while ago that my daydreams are going to have to change soon. They all have something to do with people in high school, or high school itself, or other things like that. And now that I'm going to university, things will change, and people will change, and I'll have no reason to daydream about high school anymore. It's an odd thought, probably just because my daydreams have been fairly similar for about three years, and suddenly they'll have to change. It'll be interesting.

I feel really naive talking about all this. Is that a bad thing?

And for everybody who's wondering, no, I haven't figured out how I feel yet. I don't think I will ever, really. We'll see. I know things are going to change yet again sometime this week, so I'll wait until that happens and see if things are any different.

It bugs me when days get messed up in my mind, and pretty soon I have to keep reminding myself of what day it is, or what day it will be. Like when you wake up on a Wednesday and think it's Friday.

Now I'm about ready to go to bed, where I can jump into all sorts of thoughts about life, be them about reality or not, and I can control exactly what I want to think about and what I want to ignore, and nobody can make me do any differently.


"Okay, maybe rooming with three gay guys wasn't the best idea."

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ignorance is bliss

The best parts of yesterday:

Hearing the words "Robyn, I need help!" at least 3 times coming from grade tens.

Seeing Dan backstage.

Seeing Heffernan (from now on to be known as Jesse) backstage.

Talking to Jesse on facebook.

Adam giving me a pat on the head as he walked by.

Finding out that the backstage people aren't as uptight and scary as I tend to think they are.

Getting a front row spot in choir.

Being less self-concious than I ever have been in choir.

It's the little things that bring the most happiness.

As a side note, I'm currently writing this in the school library, and a couple in the row of computers in front of me have been alternitively laughing in a cute / adorable way and kissing the entire time. I'm equal parts happy forthem, wanting them to do it elsewhere, and being the bitter single girl. =)



"I'm already using my newfound power as an adult on Saturday, and I'm thinking I might only want to use that power once a week..."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Riding the roller coaster again

Today has been one wide range of emotions, it makes it hard to believe it's was only one day and not an entire week.

There were various times today when I was really not a people person. And I think those times were fairly obvious. Basically whenever I was surrounded by people.

I had moments of freaking out, mainly when I was trying to understand course registration and it really wasn't working out for me. But afterwards at the university I mostly figured it out. I might call tomorrow and ask a few more questions, but I think for the most part I'm good. As long as I can figure out what I want to take for options...

And then I had that weird detached feeling I get sometimes. Where I do have clear feelings on things, but I'm almost not letting those feelings get in the way of my rational thought. It feels so bizarre, since it doesn't happen that often.

It's one of those moments where I can look at myself, and I know exactly how I feel about something, and I'm not trying to tell myself not to think that, or blaming myself, or making myself feel guilty about feeling that way. I simply know that's how I feel, and whether it's right, wrong, good, or bad, that's how it is.

My thoughts are too scattered, and any attempt for me to capture all of them long enough simply wouldn't work. Like trying to capture individual butterflies all in the same net.

That thought makes me happy.

However, I don't understand this whole stomach thing. This shouldn't be happening. Why is this happening? I'm not sure what it means. I don't want to say any more about it. It's my little secret, and until I figure out what it means, I'd rather not say. Maybe I never will. Maybe it's one of those things in life that I have to accept without fully understanding. And without ever telling anybody. People misinterpret things all to often, and I definitely don't want that to happen to me.

My eyes have been drawn to one particular butterfly, and no matter how other ones may flutter by, they're only an attempt to distract me from the one I'm watching.

Am I trying to be somebody, or is this me?


"I'm currently fearing for my friend's sanity, especially in light of her sudden, drastic mood swings."

Friday, May 02, 2008

Singing Condoms

I tend to over think things. And the unfortunate readers of this blog always have to put up with me going through every little thought in my head.

Not today.

Today was a good day. I was happy.

The end.


"Ryley, you're not going to stay and learn how to fold napkins?"

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Unwelcome guests

You know those times where all your regrets, even the little ones, even ones that don't really matter, and don't normally seem to get to you, all just bombard you and you can't seem to ignore the fact that you kind of want a re-do?

Yeah, they suck.


"Yeah, he's cute at first...but he's also kinda stupid."