Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Just one thing

I feel free.

It's insane. I saw pretty much exactly what I've seen the whole rest of the summer.

And yet my stomach didn't flip, and my mind didn't suddenly feel like going crazy. I just shrugged.

Well, actually I did more than shrug. I whisper-yelled at my computer and laughed.

Is that a sign that somebody's going insane? Who knows. But that's not the point.

The point is, that it's just hit me that I don't need to deal with this anymore.

Actually I shouldn't say that. Because that makes it sound more negative than it is.

Maybe I will have to deal with it slightly. But I don't even know that for sure yet.

Anyways, the point is (for the second time) that there is at least one tiny aspect of my life that no longer needs dealing with. And I need not waste any more mental turmoil over it.

Now for the deep cleansing breath...and the moving on with my life.

And by that, I mean moving on to an email.



"That's the perk of passing your name down for a few generations."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Mind implosion?

Almost. But in the best way possible, if there is such a thing.

Seriously, I'm not even sure what to say. I haven't written in my notebook in forever. one of the only reasons I'm writing this now is because I need something to draw me back into...myself? I don't know. Hopefully I'll begin to make more sense as I go along. And if not...well, hopefully getting this out, even in a completely incomprehensible way will still help me figure things out.

But don't for one second during this whole thing think that I'm upset. I am possibly the happiest person ever. Like seriously, it's awesome.

See, this is my problem. Every time I think 'you know, I should really figure this out and find out what's going on' then I sit down, and I realize how happy I really am, and then I start thinking 'well, do I really need to figure this out? Because if I'm happy, does it really matter?'

To which the logical (and also the slightly frightened) voice in my mind goes "yes, you have to figure this out! Because you've been pushed into your own little world of perfectness, and you've been living in it for the past few days! You had almost decided that you knew yourself perfectly, and you loved it, and suddenly you went and changed *again* and now that you're somebody completely different, what the heck are you going to do when you're pushed back into the world you've been ignoring, the one that includes bassoon, and university, and everything else!"

To which another answers "I'm not somebody completely different. I'm me. And that will never be able to change completely just like that. I'll always be the same person, just with variations here and there. Ignoring certain aspects of my life...that's what I do. And when I'm pushed back into it, I cope. Besides, are you really freaking out about bassoon and university because you've been ignoring them, or are you freaking out because it's only really hitting you now that you're actually going to be doing both of those things, and now that it's starting to sink in, you're starting to get nervous?"

Did that voice just say something that made a slight bit of sense? Since when does my mind make sense? That was almost deep thinking, is what that was.

Okay, so my conclusion since starting this post. I'm not going to worry. Because life will take care of me. It knows what it's doing. I know what's coming. Do I know how I'm going to deal with it? Probably not. Do I ever know how to deal with anything? Generally, no.

I blame this entirely of thinking too much. I'm always guilty of thinking too much. Over thinking, as some call it.

Why am I over thinking when I'm happy? Since when does that happen?

This is when you pat me on the head and tell me to go eat my dinner.

Because if I drag out this post any longer, I'll end up doing some serious unnecessary thinking.

Which is silly, because I'm happy. How happy? Extremely. So much so, that I'm almost reduced to not even using words anymore. Just doing this all the time:



"The ship has not sailed, but there was lots of recreational boating happening."

Monday, August 18, 2008


So, I kind of feel like the epitome of a mooch after today. Let's look at this.

I had to get a ride from my house to Sam's, which is a little of a drive. Meaning Mike drove all the way from his place, to mine, back to his place, and then proceeded to get food.

I ate said food that Mike brought. Burger plus milkshake. My choice of flavor too.

I took 40$ from Sam for doing absolutely nothing. Okay, so I handed Sam a plant, and moved another plant across the floor whilst talking about how adorable he is. Worth 40$? I think not.

I also stayed with the gang for dinner. Pizza. Which Sam bought, and I definitely didn't chip in for. Bad person, I know.

As a side note, I also kicked some serious ass at Super Smash Bros. Thank you.

And then I also got a ride home from Rae, God bless her soul.

But seriously, after all that, I came home (or rather, was thinking this in her car, on the way home) feeling really pathetic. Like, seriously considering just never going anywhere again unless I can drive there myself, or get myself there in some form or fashion that doesn't involve asking endless favors of people.

Also, after eating nothing but cereal, a burger, a milkshake, and pizza, my body is kind of hating me right now.

I also actually have to deal with university crap tomorrow, seeing as I obviously didn't do it today. Because I was mooching and filling my body with crap.

I make it sound like I felt bad the whole day. I didn't really. I had quite the blast today. It was only when I had to get back home from Bowness, preferably getting a ride from a friend, at 11:00 at night when I started to feel really bad. Especially when everybody's saying that they're not going that way, or they don't want to go that far.

On that note, I think I'm going to go deal with the fact that my body's hating me right now.

That might be a really good idea.


"Holy cow...will you look at these guys?"
"Robyn. Robyn..."
" minute..."

Saturday, August 16, 2008


Don't criticize me for saying this, but...

Is it really that important for Canada to win medals? I mean, can't we talk about how our athletes are doing without constantly mentioning how disappointing it is that we're not getting many medals?

I know that it's kind of the point of the Olympics. Compete, get medals. I know it's the main objective and whatever.

But still. I guess I kind of believe in the overall experience of all the countries in the world getting together to compete being a little more important that having to win all the medals.

I'd also like to think that the athletes who aren't getting medals will walk away from the Olympics happy that they got to experience it, and not just beating themselves up for not getting a medal.

And maybe I'm just trying to believe in my own little perfect world where everybody's happy. Which doesn't really exist. You be the judge.

But I can't be the only one, right?

On another note, I found there is a downside to wonderfully good dreams. They make me want to stay in bed all day and just relive them, over and over. Which is kind of bad in the summer, because I rarely have a real reason to get out of bed. Meaning I could actually potentially stay in bed all day. But that's not exactly healthy. Nor productive.

How am I going to be able to focus on the real world for the next week or so? I've been drifting off so much lately, it's really not funny. I'll be calling my friends a lot over the next week. Good thing I already have two parties and a movie planned. That takes care, three or four days. That'll be enough, right?


"No, I thought you were telling me to get into my right lane so I could turn left."

Friday, August 15, 2008

Last night

I had one of those moments. One of those overwhelming feelings like I wanted to pour out everything inside of myself to somebody else.

The more I think about it, the more I think that if I find myself in the perfect situation, I just want to go for it. Just start talking, and say everything I've ever wanted to express. About anything.

Maybe I was just in one of my more romantic moments. But still. I can still feel it there. It may not be as strong as it was that night, but it's still there.

On this topic, I've heard people wonder about what you do after you put yourself out there. Who are you, once you've poured out everything?

I'll still be me. Nobody can take that away from me. I firmly believe that whatever happens, I decide who I am. And if the whole world falls apart around me, I'll still be able to believe in myself. I know I'm not perfect. And I know what my imperfections are. But it's still me.

I'm just not strong enough. I'm not one of those strong people who can keep themselves completely to themselves. I'm not strong enough to act like somebody else, and yet have a whole different level of thinking going on inside. I just can't do it.

I like to connect with people. I don't like to hide myself away. I like to put myself out there.

Because that's the only way that you'll know what it feels like to fly.

I could go on. But here and now is neither the place or time to do so.

Ask me after a long walk, when we're both laying under the stars, and we've been silent for a minute or so. I've thought about it enough. I won't have to search for words. I'll have them there, and ready. And maybe by the time I do run out of words, you'll understand.

At least a little bit.


"I know, you always have to wonder when your friends start bringing you to family events."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Word Vomit

You know of word vomit, right? When you just keep talking and talking, and your head knows that nothing you're saying has any meaning to anything, or really any point, and you know that the person hearing it doesn't care, and you know that somewhere along the line you're probably going to say something you shouldn't or that you may regret later, and yet you just keep talking, and talking?

Yeah, that's me sometimes. If you hear me starting to fall into word vomit, please help. Don't just sit there and listen to me go on, and on, because the more you don't attempt to help me with other conversation, the more I'll just keep going.

And it's not pleasant, because my head is screaming at me to shut up, and yet I don't. So the sooner you jump in and help, the sooner my head can stop screaming at me, and start thanking you. So it's a win-win situation, really.

In other news.

My head is about to explode. Whether it'll explode in the form of word vomit, or via emotions, or literally just blow up, I'm not sure yet. But I feel like it's coming, and I'm not really sure what to do to either delay it, or prevent it from doing so.

I have about six thousand voices going on up there, compared to the two dozen I usually have.

I'm trying to ignore all of them, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep that up.

As such, it's making it very hard to focus on one thing at a time.


"I've got all the fiber I need right here."

Monday, August 11, 2008

Hey you

Yes, you.

We need to hang out.

Call me?

There's about a 95% chance that I'll be free when you call.

I'd say those are good odds.

So do it.


"Are you guys twins or something?"
"No, we're closer than twins."
"Oh, so you're related."

Friday, August 08, 2008


My brother and I were walking the dogs today.

I forget how the topic came about, but I ended up asking how it happened that red became the colour that symbolized both anger and love.

He replied with, 'maybe anger and love often come hand in hand.'

It's interesting he should say that.

Remind you of anything, Kelsk?

On another note, I'm getting more restless as the days go on. I need an adventure. And not necessarily that adventure in my most recent of stories. Just an adventure in general. Something to get me out of the house.

I'm also in love in the Mid-evil times. In case anybody is at all interested in that.

I also love Feste, Sir Robin, and minstrels.

Sir Robin is more of an 'in theory' love. I love him because it's funny. But, I'm sorry Robin dearest, it could never work between us. My occasional need for adventure and your...well, it just wouldn't work.

Do you think I could be a pirate, only with vodka instead of rum?

As for Feste, his is a cross between real love and the love of a role model.

I've been thinking about what Andrew said, about life being a fine balance. I'm not sure if I've had that all along, and whether I'll screw it up trying to get to where I already am...

But whatever.

I'll figure it all out sometime.

For right now, I'd be content with figuring one thing out. Hopefully sooner, rather than later, for my own sanity more than anything else. Is it time to take things into my own hands? I'm kind of afraid it is. I've never really been good at that. Maybe I'll attempt to get the ball rolling, and hope that after that it just continues rolling gently down the hill until everything's sorted out.

Hopefully the ball will not get caught on a rock shortly after being pushed down said hill and deflates, nor will it gather speed until it spins wildly out of control and is forever lost to all humanity.

Anyone wanna place any bets?

And Rae, I've been meaning to ask you on an update on this since I've gotten back from camp: have I lost money?

Yet another reason we have to get together. Seriously. =)

I love you.

All of you.


"Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowls unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burnt off
And his penis split

"That's...that's enough music for now, lads."


Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away away.
("I didn't!")
When danger reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
("I didn't!")
And gallantly he chickened out.

Bravely taking ("I never did!") to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
("all lies!")
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Robin!
("I never!")

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Just so you know I'm alive

Imagine I'm really tired.

Now, remember that mumbling nonsense noise I make when I don't have any effort and/or energy to spare on anything?

And now imagine me not even having the effort and/or energy to make that noise.

There's my post for the night.

I was mentioned in three different blogs sometime in the past few days. I feel special.

I'll call within the next few days. I promise.

For now...



"One band, one sound."