Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Here comes the sun

I feel pretty good right now.

A little while earlier I was in the mood to describe how good I'm feeling at the moment.

The shower helped a lot, methinks.

But now, I'm thinking I'm just going to email the boy, before doing my theory homework and then wondering off to bed.

Just thought you should know that my life isn't all bad, contrary to popular blog posts lately.


"No, I'm calling your wrap job a sieve."

Friday, September 26, 2008

Officially going insane

Yes, it's finally official. No longer just assumed.

I'm not kidding. My mind will be panicking within every inch of its life for a good ten minutes, before some simple thing will happen to snap me back to reality, and convince me that I don't necessarily have to be thinking about that.

But give it a while, and it'll go back to panicking. Vicious cycle and all that.

It's one of those times when I'm really afraid to be alone with myself. I just don't want to listen to my own mind. I want to shut out all the voices that help me figure out things like the future, and consequences, and assignments and expectations, and just concentrate what I'm doing right now.

I need somebody to save me from myself.

Isn't there a song that goes like that? Probably. There's a song for almost anything out there.

But seriously, I'm afraid to be left alone with myself, because certain aspects of my mind just may start committing suicide. I'm not even sure which ones, but they're out there, I know that for sure. I also know that while they may be feeling tortured right now, in the future they're probably good aspects for my mind to have, so I'd rather they stay alive, thank you very much.

That being said, my emotional level is extremely high at the moment. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, as it could swing either way.

It's the same way with my mood. It's on the tip of the knife right now, and it could swing high, or it could swing low. God bless the person who helps get get high, and God have mercy on the pour soul who has to suffer through the lows.

I think I'm going to play a mindless game while listening to music to keep my mind distracted while I wait.


"We need to start a history support group. We'll all meet in the library and work together, and make sure we all work for an hour."
"And then we'll reward ourselves with beers."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Stupid's a loose term

So, by stupid, I mean frustrated, tired, crappy...any of the above, and more, really.

Of course, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.

Summery of my day so far:

I had to get up early to help my classmate prepare for a test. On the way to the train, my bag ripped. Not deathly, I am now without a bag, rip. But enough so that I clearly need to start using something else to carry stuff in. I was waiting until the weekend to buy a backpack, but I might try to get out tonight to get one now.

Practicing for the test went well. I can't complain, it actually wasn't a bad way to start the day. When the time for the test actually came though I screwed up. Which isn't horrible, but it's still slightly frustrating.

Theory was frustrating.

And Kristian's a jerk.

Moving on.

History was boring. And it wasn't very comforting that they were explaining how to do our assignment the day it was due. Aka, after I handed it in. Thanks for that. Again, not exactly comforting. So now I'm kind of panicking that I might fail entirely and my professor will hate me for the rest of his life.

Which hasn't helped my morning mood. I'm hoping psychology will help a little. It generally does. I also have less time to practice after classes today because I have CJSW training today. For two hours. I hope that's entertaining. Or at least not boring.

I'm hungry, but the thought of Mac Hall between the hours of 12 and 1 scares me. So I figure I'll get food after psychology class. Which takes away even more of my practice time. And I'm supposed to learn a piece for tomorrow in Wind Ensemble. Damn.

I'm good at sight reading, right?

No, Robyn. Bad thinking. Maybe I'll look over that piece quickly before radio training...and after I eat...

Hopefully I'll get my life straightened out eventually.

Hopefully. Likely? Probably not. But hopefully.

I miss my boy. I know I'm not as bad as some. At least we're in the same city and all. But still, busy schedules happen, and here we are. So I'm just putting that out there: I miss him.

I was going to ask Mike if he had anything to add to my blog, but he left to get food. Which is probably what I should be doing.

I'm going to stop before I start going in circles, because if I start doing that I'll just never stop.


"The answer you're looking for: no."

Monday, September 15, 2008

I refuse to give in

My brother was playing WoW tonight.

He was using some fancy technology that lets him and his group talk to each other using mics and headsets and whatnot during their quest.

I came up and asked him how the geek convention was going.

He turned on the mic and said "Guys, prove to my sister that we're not geeks."

There was silence on the other end.

Then, one person:

"Define 'geek'"


"I can't find a journal article, and I don't feel like looking for one."
"Wow, that describes the last two years of my life."

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Girlfriends against WoW

That's kind of my favorite protest sign ever.

Boy, please don't make me use one like that.

Today in theory class my teacher said this: "You don't have to be loud to be heard."

It was just being applied to using a softer dynamic in music rather than playing as loud as you can, but I still felt like it could be applied to so much more than that.

Maybe I'm crazy.

I won't be going into too much detail since I'm at Bennet's house. And he's playing WoW. So maybe if he continues playing I'll go into more detail. We'll see. Maybe if I get off my blog, he'll get off WoW sooner. =P

But I was an extremely productive university student today. I went to my three morning classes, stayed for all of music orientation, went straight from psychology to hand in my volunteer application form for CJSW, the radio station on the university campus, and I also opted out of health and dental plans at the university. Both of the latter steps were quite easy and painless, it made my day quite excellent.

I also had an awesome practice today, which I haven't had in a while. It made me very happy. I only really stopped because I don't think my reed could have taken any more.

Haha. Gutter mind.


Well, I suppose just because I'm in university doesn't mean I'll love all of my classes. Most, yes. All, apparently not. History might just kill me.

But at least it's the only class I can't really stand. Rather than high school, where there were at least three of them.

Okay, maybe just two. But still. The point remains the same.

Advice of the night: Don't die.

Hokay, once again, the time has come for me to shut up and move along. So I shall see you next time.

Rae: I love you.

Randall: I love you too.

Kelsk: I love you.

All of the above and more: I miss you all. You'd better believe me.


"What's the different between a flute player and a convertible?"

Monday, September 08, 2008

Caught in the middle

Do you ever have those moments where you suddenly look at yourself and think...you know, I must be really annoying.

Yeah, kinda feeling that way.

And yet not. It's an odd feeling.

You know what I'm in the mood for? A heart to heart talk. Unfortunately, as I need sleep, that won't be happening anytime soon. I think I need to hold on to this feeling until an appropriate moment comes alone. Will I take that moment? That remains to be seen. I sometimes let them go by.

Why you may ask? Well, ask the part of my brain that's supposed to help me form words and tell me what to say. I can tell you, you probably won't get an answer, because that part of my brain seems to be somewhat dysfunctional.

Which is ironic, because at the same time I think I had incredible word vomit tonight. I don't think it was very pretty.

Okay, seriously, the urge for a heart to heart talk is growing, so I have to change the subject.

On another note, I think my iPod may have officially died. It looks like it's refusing to charge, which I don't believe is a good sign. I'm going to leave it for a while and if nothing happens...well damn.

Why does it seem like just when I finally figure out mostly who I am and I'm comfortable with myself and my life, both of those things seem to change?

And yet, it's also weird how I know how much both myself and my life are changing...but I'm strangely comfortable with it.

Nevertheless, it's still a good feeling.

Dear life,

I have the insane urge to have a heart to heart talk. If you could somehow give me a change to act on that urge sometime in the near future...like, say, tomorrow afternoon for example...I would be very grateful.



"It doesn't matter how useless your part is...it's important."

Sunday, September 07, 2008


It's the first day of the rest of my life.

Of course, that's just for dramatic effect. One could argue that tomorrow is always the first day of the rest of our lives. That's kinda just the way it works.

But that's not the point. The point is that university classes start tomorrow. I don't even know how to describe how I feel. Kind of like I've been working my way up the stairs all these years, and finally I'm at the highest diving board, and I just have to jump. Or like I've been lead around holding somebody's hand, following a strict path, and suddenly they just let go, the path ended, and I can now go anywhere I want, all on my own.

It's a great feeling, but also slightly scary. It's kind of amazing how often excitement and nervousness go together. Why is that?

As usual, I should be doing something else, but I'm sitting here chatting, blogging, and texting. In my own defense, I am simply getting as much out of my social life as I can before I become swamped and must cut myself away from the rest of society in order to keep up with my life.

I exaggerate. But only slightly.

I should be showering. Because as much as I tell myself I'll get up in the morning to shower, we all know that's not going to happen.

Kelskie just came online, which is both amazingly awesome, and kind of bad. Because I haven't talked to her in forever, and I have about a thousand things to say. Kind of bad because then I probably won't get off as early as I was planning to shower. My family doesn't mind me having really late night showers, right?

Okay, I have to go tell stories, and while I'm telling stories, I will not be able to concentrate on blogging.

This is probably long enough as it is.


"T-shirts usually go along with recreational boating."

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Guess what

Tomorrow's Thursday! Tomorrow!

I have no idea how I'm going to get through orientation. No idea at all.

Do you think I really need to stay for all of Thursday?

Good University Student Voice: Yes, you do. There's probably some sort of tiny piece of information that's good for you. Besides, you can't get a ride down there until mother is off work anyways.

Self: But I could take transit down there! If it meant I could get there earlier!

Student Voice: No. Just stay, take in information, and then go after.

Sigh. Silly conflicts. Tomorrow better go by fast. Or at least, I'd better be semi interested in what's going on, or else all I'll do is stare at my watch. Which, contrary to popular belief, does not speed up time.

I could stay here thinking of things to write, but the time has come once again, where I must get up early in the morning.


(PS: that was sarcasm.)


"Bowser's castle looks like a casino."
"Hey, even villains have to find ways to pay the bills."

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Happy, excited, and scared to death

And that's only the beginning of the huge range of emotions I've felt over the past little while.

But seriously, the happiness is the real constant. It's always there, even when I'm worried about panicked, or paranoid about something. It doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy about my life right now.

You know what is a scary thought?

I'm a legal adult. I am responsible for myself. I know I've been a real adult for a few months now, but still, it only really seems to be hitting me now that...I'm actually in charge of my life now. Whatever responsibility I didn't have while still in high school...I do have now.

Maybe that's partly why I'm slightly apprehensive about getting my full license, or getting a job.

And yet, on the other hand, I can't wait to do either of those, because it will just complete my being-an-adult even more.

See where I am with the whole mixed emotions thing?

I guess I'm caught between my old fear of too many changes, and my insane excitement to do more discovering of what I want to do with my life.

Not career wise. I know I'm going into music, and that's what it'll be until something happens to make it change. Which it might, I won't deny it, but for now, music's looking pretty good.

Just what I'm going to do with myself...now that I'm kind of getting pushed out there on my own.

To which all my friends laugh, and go, Robyn, you're living at home. How 'pushed out there on your own' can you be?

Alright, alright, whatever. But hopefully you'll grasp some sort of meaning from all of this that kind of makes sense.

Me, making sense. That's a good one.

Okay, let's stop while we're ahead, shall we?

I haven't been blogging much I know. I've kind of found a temporary outside source to type away my worries to for the next little while. Once I don't feel the need to send an email every night, I'll probably start blogging more.

Unless university kills me.

Which it might. I'm still keeping that possibility in mind.

Thursday!! I'm so excited!!

(PS: One downside to this whole deal is that I've been given more time to think than is really healthy. So I don't know if I'm actually discovering more emotional scars than I thought I had, or if I'm just overthinking. I'm probably just overthinking, although the first option may have some truth to it as well.)

And, as a side note, orientation was rather fun today. Why do the Fine Arts get stuck with brown shirts? And how do I know so many people in Science and Engineering? I hope they're prepared to feed me, as the starving musician.

Dear life,

If you could please speed up the space time continuum so that Thursday gets here extra quickly, I would really appreciate it.



"dmda, Fine Arts!"