Saturday, April 24, 2010

Just Breathe

He asks me what I'm thinking.

I want to tell him I'm trying to preserve this moment. To make it last as long as possible, and to remember every detail that I can.

I imagine him asking me why I'm doing that. I don't really have an answer. Maybe because it's night, and it's dark. Both tend to make me particularly thoughtful. Maybe I just want to hold on to it, for rainy days and such. Maybe there's just so much to feel, and to be, at this moment, I just want more time to feel and be as much as I can.

Basically, I don't know what I would say if he asks why. And so I don't answer his question. I shrug. I say I don't know. I say not much. He starts talking again, and I allow myself to be lost in his stories, and his thoughts.

The only slight downside to tonight is the breeze. It's a little stronger than I'd like it to be, and it's chilly too. But it smells like summer, so I know it's a friend.

I've never sat in the playground on any of my night walks before. But when we walked by, the tire swing looked very inviting. Even though I'm wearing a skirt, I walked over to it and perched on one side, folding my skirt underneath to keep it still against the breeze. He sat on the other side, and soon started slowly turning us with one foot.

I'm alternating between letting my one foot brush against the ground, and holding it against my leg to keep it from getting too cold. It doesn't work too well, so I go back to brushing it against the pebbles in the playground. I can feel my feet gathering the dust that always clings to them, and it feels familiar. I'm playing a game with myself. As he turns us, his foot creates holes in the pebbles. When I come around, I smooth them out. He keeps making holes, and I keep smoothing them out.

The night isn't extraordinary, as nights go. I mean, it is, because all time I spend with the night is extraordinary. But as far as sights go, it's pretty plain. The sky is clear, but there's never may stars in the city. The moon isn't full, so there's no moon shadows. There's just beautiful darkness, broken by street lights and the glow from downtown.

Some noisy guys walk by. They pay no attention to us, but they break the natural sounds of the park at night. We let them pass, and I'm allowed to listen to his talking again in peace.

He's sitting with his back to me, which is keeping my back warm. But apparently I've said something shocking, because he turns to look at me, and then turns around so his chest is against my back. I suppose this is just as good. Now his arms can keep me warm too, even though I know he's colder than I am. I can feel him shivering.

After many rotations of the tire swing, I start getting bored of seeing the same scenery, in the same order, and thinking the same thing every time I pass it. I close my eyes.

The breeze is still cold, but the smell of summer is still there, so I know it's still good. Every turn the breeze blows my hair into my face, and I can smell it. It keeps my face warm, and it's familiar. I sigh, and lean closer to the chain I've been holding on to. It smells like metal, like the playground, like smiles and laughter. All good smells.

But it's still cold. When we get up to go, my feet are sore from hanging in the cold air, and it almost hurts to step on the pavement. But it's worth it. I could have waited until it was warmer. And I could have gone alone. But as far as first summer night walks go, this was a pretty good one.


"Don't interpret my stomach noises."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Please Continue

Not much to say this time around except to give you a little update on life. I haven't had any life changing thoughts, or gone through any monumental moments. (Say that a few times fast. Fun times.)

My history paper is officially done and handed in. I'm not sure if it's A material, but it's something, and it's done. I meant to give back my library books today, but I never got around to it. By the time I was ready to go home after work, I definitely wasn't feeling like dragging a big bag of books to the library. I'll leave that for another day. At least they're not overdue.

It's that time of year where I flip from being sure that I'll be fine in my classes, to panicking about how I'm going to fail everything. When I logically think about how the semester has gone, I'm pretty sure that if I don't pass with flying colours, I'll at least pass, which is still something. But every once in a while the amount of things I still have to do suddenly crashes down on me, and panic ensues. However, I've also found that panic and pessimism happens most strongly on Sunday evenings and Mondays, and usually the first part of Tuesdays. After that, the week looks better. And seeing as how Monday is now ending, I'm thinking the rest of the week can't be too bad.

At the same time, the fact that my two exams are on a Monday afternoon and a Tuesday afternoon does not fill me with confidence about how my mood will be on the preceding Sunday evening. But I won't worry about that until it gets here.

I was going to say all the things I don't have to worry about anymore, and also all the things I still have to finish before this week is over, but I just took a few moments to briefly think about that list, and I concluded that listing all of that in writing might just trigger my panic alarm to go off. It tends to be quite sensitive around this time of year. Which means it'll also tend to go off over things that I don't even need to worry about. I feel like I should have a sign or a t-shirt or something warning people about this.

I'll be sure to give more interesting updates over the summer. I've got quite the list of plans for the summer. Not concrete plans, because if the entire summer were laid out in concrete I might but explode in an attempt to blow it all away. Ironic, since I've looked forward to summer for quite a while now.

I just have a lot of ideas I wouldn't mind doing over the summer. Which I think is the best way to 'plan' summer.

Things I would like to happen include:

Working on my technique on bassoon.

Making reeds.

Playing badminton with Graham, and generally just doing a lot of walking to 7-11 for Slurpees.

Watering plants (both indoor and outdoor) and taking care of the garden.

Cleaning my room, and putting another bookshelf in it.

Making small, random trips out of town.


Learning to ride with Ken.

Go swimming.

There are probably other things I've thought of, but if I took the time to list every single thing I've ever thought of doing over the summer...well, I don't exactly know what would happen, but I'm assuming I'd get bored of writing it, and you'd get bored of reading it, so we'll leave the list at that.

And, of course, I'll be a Supe at MusiCamp around the end of summer, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm also slightly frightened, because I've heard rumors of Supe pranks that happen, and one included something along the lines of somebody waking up with a live lobster on their face. But I'm still super excited.

I hope to give regular updates of all my summer adventures. Of course, in between adventures, I wouldn't mind time to just sit and enjoy a cold drink with a book, maybe some video games, and of course, to complain about the heat that I've looked forward to for so long. Such is life.

I don't know how many opportunities I'll have to blog while at MusiCamp. I have a feeling the only time I'll have would be before bed, and something tells me I'll be too tired to want to devote time to coherent blogging about the day. Hopefully I'll record some of my adventures in my notebook, and I'll be able to share them later.

And I think that's enough thinking for one night.


"No girlz allowed."

Thursday, April 01, 2010

A Sequence of Thoughts

These thoughts occurred after wind ensemble rehearsal today. My reeds were not working out for me, and I was generally reminded about how unhappy I was with my playing in general. Than I reflected how my problem is that I tend to want to avoid unpleasant experiences, so when playing becomes unpleasant for me, instead of wanting to sit in a practice room and fix it, I just want to avoid playing in general. Then I reflected about how I don't feel like I can talk to anybody about this issue, because they'll just say "Well, there's you're problem, why don't you just fix it?", which I don't find particularly helpful, nor understanding.

Needless to say, I was not in the greatest mood come the end of rehearsal.

I could stay here and try to get some work done. But I'm not in a great mood, and having to do work on top of bad moods doesn't generally end well. Maybe I'll see what Ken is up to. Not doing anything because I'm hanging out with Ken always makes me feel better than not doing nothing because I'm feeling useless.

So I sent out a test to Ken: Rawr <3 What are you up to?

Ken's reply: I'm at home, do you want to come over?

This made me smile.

I like it when he seems to read my mind like that.

My text: ...maybe.

Ken's reply: But you don't have a car...Or do you?

Damn, I don't. I doubt he'll want to drive up to the university to pick him up, and I'm not about to be a whiny girlfriend and start telling him that he should.

My text: Ugh, I don't.

Ken's reply: I'll come pick you up then? :)


I'm probably the luckiest girl ever.

Following that event, my mood was made ever so much better by the fact that Greg gave me my little schedule book which I had left behind at the bar last night. I was positive it would still be there, but it always bugs me when I loose things, particularly very important things like the little book that tells me where people are expecting me to be each day. So that improved things a little.

PS, I'm aware I have to finish my paper. It'll get done. I promise. You know how I do things. I'm just always a step or two behind everybody else.


"I will finish it! Just not this afternoon."