The true Christmas spirit

I love Christmas, despite the many concerts that come with it.

Today in band we played a Christmas medley, and Paddock said that anybody who wasn't playing had to sing. So we're playing / singing Christmas carols, and then Waters comes out of his office and starts playing piano along with us.

I think this is the first time that it's actually hit me that it's Christmas...or at least, it's really really close to Christmas.

Yeah, I've been listening to Christmas songs, and talking about it, and thinking of presents, and watching Christmas shows, etc, but it didn't really hit me until today in band class.

It was pretty awesome, I must say.

~Calminaiel~

"Now, what do you mean by 'dancing' and 'subdividing'?

(l.p.s.e.h.)

For kicks and giggles

Perfect Boyfriend Survey

Phase ONE - APPEARANCE

About how tall would he be - Taller than me.
Shoe size - I don't care.
Skinny or fat - Skinny.
Buff or normal - Hm...either one, although not overly buff.
Six-pack - It would be a perk.
Hair style - Whatever.
Color hair - Doesn't matter.
Eye color - Again, doesn't matter.
Dark, Tan, or Light Skin - See above.
Glasses or contacts - Getting tired of repeating myself...
Piercing - If it works, sure.
Braces or no braces - Either.
Scars - Scars add character...sure, why not...
Eyebrows - Um...yes...?
Big butt or little butt? - As long as it looks good. Although I tend to go for guys who have pretty much no butt whatsoever, so...
Chest hair - Preferably minimal.
Do you really care what he looks like? I guess not. Although I'll admit it is what gets my attention first.

Phase TWO - PERSONALITY

Nice or mean - Nice.
Would he be caring - Of course.
Is he the sensitive type or the kinky type - Mostly sensitive...but a touch of kinkiness does keep things exciting, I will admit.
Would he be afraid to show his feelings - Not overly so.
Jealous type? - Jealous enough, not to the point of being super over-protective.
Flirty - To me, yes.
Protective - Yup, again, not overly so.
Funny or serious - Both.
Outgoing or shy - Both.
Lazy - Lazy enough so that I don't have to feel self-conscious about my own laziness.
Sarcastic or sincere- Both, please.
Music - He'd better be interested in music.

Phase THREE - SOCIAL-SCHOOL

Does he have a lot of girlfriends - Friends who are girls, sure, why not.
Would he hang out with you or his friends - Preferably we'd have mutual friends so it wouldn't be an issue.
Would he hang out with your friends - It'd be nice, of course.
Party or stay home - Party, and then we'd go home. ;) lol
Would he have a lot of friends - Sure, why not.
Smart or stupid - Smart, but not so much that I'm self-conscious around him.
Would he put his friends before you? - If necessary, but not all the time.
Would he drink - Doesn't matter, as long as he's not bent on getting wasted every other night.
Would he smoke? - Nope.
Would he do drugs - Depends on how often and what he's doing.
Would he tell you he loves you - If he means it, yes.
Would he act different around his friends - No, thank you very much.

Phase FOUR - AROUND YOU

Hold hands - Oh yes.
Kiss you - It'd be a nice touch, yes.
Hug you from behind - Yes please.
Would he call you 'hunny, sweety, baby' - Another more personal nickname would be nice, but I'll take those as long as he's sincere with them.
Will he open doors for you - Yes he would.
Will he pull out chairs for you - Aw...yes. =)
Would he surprise you - In a good way, of course.
Remember your anniversary - The more important ones, yes.
Would he lay under the stars with you - Definitely.
Watch the sunrise with you - Hell no. That means I'd have to get up early. Let's revise that plan a little...Would he come over before sunrise to be with me as soon as I wake up? Definite yes.
Write love letters - As long as they're sincere and not just corny stuff, yes.
Write poems about you - Ooh, yes please.
Would he cook for you? - Definitely.
Would he sing for you? - Oh yes.

So there you go. If you see anybody who may meet this qualifications, let me know. Hehe.

I must be off to do homework. I actually have to do some tonight. Go figure. Though it still won't be as much as I should get done.

~Calminaiel~

"As in, anybody who will have her."

Journeys

Musical Theater did this neat thing before our Beauty and the Beast performances. I thought they were really cool, if not a little confusing in some cases. We did all of these while lying on our backs, with our eyes closed and breathing deeply (which is almost my favorite thing in the world to do).

Journey #1

The situation: Imagine you're lying on the most comfortable couch, with the best material / fabric, and you just sink into it. You realize there's something inside the couch you're laying on. There's a zipper on the front of the cushion, and you unzip it, and reach inside to pull it out. It's something that you need right now. What is your couch like, and what do you pull out of it?

My couch was so amazing. It was pretty much exactly like Miranda's couch, because it's seriously the most comfortable thing I've ever sat on in my life. Except the fabric on the outside was this really fuzzy stuff...like the stuff on really fuzzy teddy bears, or on the inside of Chloe's / Randall's hoodie. It's so amazing. But when I reached inside, I didn't find anything. When I thought about what I would pull out, my mind totally drew a blank. What does that mean?

I've thought about it for a long time, and my only conclusion is that I'd rather be sleeping on the couch then searching for stuff inside it. =P

Journey #2 (we didn't actually do this one, but Chloe told me about it in the car, so I thought about it)

You're walking down a beach, and you run into your favorite person there. They hand you a fortune cookie. Who is your favorite person, and what does their fortune cookie say?

Okay, so my favorite person ended up being Ryley. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not sure. Anyways, the really confusing part was that the fortune cookie didn't say anything. The paper was just blank. I haven't even thought of an explanation for this one. Maybe he's never said anything really meaningful that would fit on a fortune cookie paper. Who knows. If you can figure this one out, let me know.

Journey #3 (my favorite)

You're in the place where you feel most comfortable, and your favorite person is there. They hand you a rose, but this is a special rose. Every time you pick one of the petals, it says something nice and encouraging to you. When you get to the last petal, it says the best thing, the thing you really need to hear right now. Where is your place, what is your special person, and what is the last message from your rose?

My place was my bedroom. Which makes perfect sense. It's been the place where I feel most comfortable since probably the dawn of time itself. There've been other places where I've felt comfortable, but my room's the only one that really stays consistent. Anyways, my favorite person was Ryley again. Explain that one to me. And while we were thinking about this, I was so scared that my rose just wouldn't say anything, just like I couldn't find anything in my couch, or no message in my fortune cookie. But when it came time for me to pick that last petal off, it did say something. It said "You'll make it. You'll be able to get where you want to go." Which was so great, I loved it so much.

I've figured out that loving someone is different than being in love with them. It's a relieving thing to discover.

I had a claustrophobic moment tonight. It wasn't very enjoyable, especially since I normally don't have a huge personal bubble. Oh well. I lived.

~Calminaiel~

"Good job for...almost...not crying."

My new belief

So, I've discovered that I no longer believe in new beginnings.

I mean, I still believe in, and understand, going through major turning points. But starting new entirely? I don't think so.

Maybe I just have yet to really experience that. But I was at my dad's company's christmas party and somebody made a toast to the end of the year, and to the start of a new year. She went on to blab about new beginnings and such.

As she was saying all that, I found myself thinking 'yeah, new beginning. You keep believing that.'

I guess it's mostly because of almost everything that's happened in 2007. I can't count the number of times over this year I've thought to myself 'Alright, we're going to do this, and then I can just start over.' Like I could just press the 'reload' button on my life.

And I remember each time being let down.

Examples.

September of grade 11. I assumed we could just move along like the entire summer hadn't happened. Nope.

Band Camp. It seemed like things were going to suddenly be better. Nope.

Mexico. I figured if I could get away for a while and then come back and things would be normal again. Nope.

Spain. Basically the same story as Mexico. Anybody want to take a guess as to whether that worked out?

NYB was the closest thing that worked. Everything else was almost ways of just putting it off, me resisting the fact that I had to actually deal with what was going on in my life, and things wouldn't just work themselves out. I think the major thing that happened to me over the summer of 2006 was that I lost myself. I'm not completely sure how. But I did.

I think I probably talked about this before, back when I got back from NYB last year. But I don't think I told the whole story.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I blabbed about finding myself and all that. And I remember being so happy over all of NYB. And on the plane home. Because I was all happy that things were finally going to go back to normal again, now that I was me again.

Now, in movies and book, this would be where my life takes a completely turning point, and suddenly everything's all better again, and I'm happy and everything.

Want to know what really happened?

I cried myself to sleep that night. Because when I got home, and began getting ready for bed and thinking of the next morning at school, I realized that this wasn't any different from any other time I had left home and came back expecting things to be perfect again. And for the most part, I was right. True, life was a little better, but it was certainly far from a complete new beginning.

I think it was there where I stopped believing in those. Don't think I'm pessimistic or anything. I do believe that things will always get better eventually. Just not all at once. It has to happen slowly.

Now I really have to finish social essays so I can go to bed.

~Calminaiel~

"We spend some quality bonding time in our dressing room."

Bedtime stories

Bassoon story.

Reed: Hi Robyn. So, I've been trying to hang in there for you, but really, we're just not working. I mean, you know my tone's been going downhill for a while now, and now I just can't get those high notes out like you need me too, and I know you're just getting frustrated, so I don't want to see you like this. I'd really like to hang around a little longer, but we just can't keep doing this.

Me: I understand, reed. But we worked so well together until now...why is it suddenly going wrong?

Reed: That's the way life works, Robyn. A change of the winds, and suddenly things happen. I'm sorry, but I think it's time to end this relationship.

Me: Okay, reed. I'm sorry I got so frustrated during our practice today. You've just always worked so well, and I couldn't understand why you suddenly weren't there for me. But I should have taken the warning signs more seriously. You were the first sparkly reed I ever had. I knew our relationship had to end eventually. Don't be sorry, I forgive you. It happens to everybody.

Reed: Alright, no hard feelings. Do I get a special place in your room, like all the other reeds with stories to go with them?

Me: Of course you do. But for now you have to stay in my case. I'm just not ready to let go yet.

Reed: That's fine. You need time to get over it, I know.

Me: Thanks for understanding.

New Reed: Hi Robyn, I'm the reed you worked on today. I'm surprisingly ready to play, seeing as you just worked on me today, and have never actually played with me before.

Me: Wow, you are good, new reed. After playing with you a little bit more, I think we have a really good relationship in the future. Will you come with me to my rehearsals tomorrow?

New Reed: Of course Robyn. Just remember that I can be changed, so if I'm not perfect, do not hesitate to do something about it.

Me: Thanks, new reed. I think I'm in love.

...That's right. I'm a reed whore. =)

Fairy Story (condensed version)

Once upon a time there was a young fairy who lived in a beautiful forest. There once was a day when she was in love with a prince, but that ended when the prince was ready to explore beyond the forest, and the fairy wasn't ready to leave yet, and so she was forced to watch him walk away, and be happy with others. But that's another story.
As the fairy went to the edge of the forest pool to bathe, she looked at the surface of the water, and instead of a young fairy, saw a beautiful face looking back at her. The fairy never realized that she could look like that. She liked it. However, after the bathed she went to the water's edge and made sure she looked like nothing more then a cute fairy again.

I looked in the mirror tonight and was surprised at how pretty I could look. I liked it.

Then I smiled, and that pretty face was replaced by a seventeen year-old girl who still hasn't outgrown her five year-old smile. =)

~Calminaiel~

"Now, now, hormones, this isn't the time to start acting up. Calm down. No, stop looking at him! Concentrate. Stop thinking like that!"
=P

Vic Lewis shpeal

Alright, so I've been asked to do a blog on Vic Lewis. Or rather, I've been asked why I haven't done one. So here you go. Don't blame me if you don't like it.

So, first of all, I'd just like to say that I found the fact that we had to stop 8 bars into the piece absolutely hilarious. Like, I haven't had to do that since grade 7. It was great. I know it was a performance, and festival and everything, but honestly, I loved it.

The biggest thing this is going to revolve around is American Elegy. That piece had the greatest significance, I think. The other two...yeah, we played them decently, in my opinion, but other then that, I can't really find much to say about them. So basically all of these opinions, in some form or another, come from American Elegy.

The only problem now is where to start. I've been going over these thoughts so much, I don't even know what came first.

I guess I'll start with what everybody else has been saying about Wind Ensemble. Everybody else seems to be saying we sucked, and we totally didn't play well and everything. And honestly, I really just feel like finding a way to get out of the conversation when people start talking like that.

Personally, I naturally want to be proud of the ensembles that I'm in. I know that many of them are not as good as they could be, or maybe not even really all that good, but still. If I play with them, I want to be able to be proud of them. And I am proud of our Wind Ensemble, even if we didn't play as well as we could have. I'm sorry, but I refuse to say we sucked, or we were terrible, because in my opinion, we really weren't. Yes, we weren't great. But we weren't awful either. I just wish maybe people had more pride in this group, rather then putting us down so much just because we're maybe not as great as we have been in the past.

Furthermore, I actually put a lot of effort into American Elegy. I don't know about anybody else in the ensemble, but I was trying to tell a story. I was trying to find emotions and personal experiences that I could convey in my playing, even if I was only playing a whole note. I was trying so hard to put effort into my playing. And I felt it made a difference to me. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do, when people say we sucked, because I know I put so much into my playing, it's kind of like somebody's saying that because the whole ensemble sucked, my music had absolutely no meaning, when I was trying so hard to put meaning into it. Maybe that's not the best way to describe it, but it's the only thing I can think of right now.

So, yeah, to an extent, it does hurt when people put that song down so much. It was brought up one time, and I mentioned that I almost cried during it, because I really felt like crying at some points. I don't know if the emotion I was trying to put into it came out, but it did to me, and it really affected me during the performance. And somebody answered me with 'oh yeah, I almost cried too, it was so horrible!'. I'm like, well, that's not exactly what I meant, but alright, sure. Thanks for that.

I could just be kidding myself. Maybe I was hearing was I wanted to hear, instead of hearing how the ensemble actually played. I'm certainly not saying that people are ignorant of the meaning you can put into music, because the people I'm referring to are definitely not like that. But still. It does hurt to hear people criticize a song so much, when I tried so hard to put all these emotions into it. And it's not even my own playing. When other people were playing, I tried to find emotion in it. Was our trumpeter thinking of sending out a message during his off-stage solo? Perhaps, perhaps not. Either way, I still listened to that solo, and I made it mean something to me, even if it meant nothing to him.

Does music lose it's meaning if it's not played perfectly? I like to think that it doesn't. I've certainly never played something perfectly, but that doesn't mean I want it to lose all meaning to people listening. I kind of wish people, whether in Wind Ensemble or not, would look more for the meaning in music, and maybe concentrate less on how technically well we played it. Perhaps not as much in rehearsals. In rehearsals, by all means, concentrate on technical stuff, listen for note / rhythm, etc. mistakes, and fix them. But when it comes to concerts...I mean, how we play is how we play. We can't fix anything mid-concert. So why not concentrate on things you can't fix, things that the listeners can't tell you was right or wrong?

Anyways, that's my personal opinion. Take it or leave it, it doesn't matter to me. I say I don't care what people think of me, but apparently I do, or I would have said this a long time ago. It's just hard to stand up for a group when everybody's putting it down. It hurt me, personally, which made it hard for me to stand up against everybody and say that I didn't think we were as bad as everybody makes out. Does that say something about what kind of person I am?

But back to being proud of the ensembles I'm in. It's true for All-Cities too. I know we're definitely not the best, but...somehow I still find it difficult to say that we're awful. And I know we used to be amazing. Is it wrong that I want to stay in it, because I'm sure if I stick around long enough, it'll hit an amazing year again? And I know that certain people were invited to be in it, and I know certain people who are already in it told them that it really wasn't worth it. But how are we going to get any better if we don't get more people into it? Does nobody else understand that? Maybe it's not great, but the only way we're going to get better is if we invite people to come. Let them decide for themselves whether it's worth it or not.

I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle here. Both with the All-Cities thing and especially with the Vic Lewis thing. You know when you feel like things are split 51 to 49? Well, right now it's like there's the whole world on one side, and then there's me. Is it crazy for me to stick up for bands? I was about to ask if it's crazy for me to stick up for bands that don't deserve it, but that definitely doesn't sound right. Every ensemble deserves to have somebody stick up for them.

It just bugs me so much whenever any ensemble is being put down. And I know I do it too. But still. It seems like whenever I'm listening for the potential in a group, everybody else is listening for how much they're not together, or how out of tune they are, or how unbalanced they are, or some other fault.

Maybe I'm doing what our honour band conductor said at the music conference. She said that all musicians have something to say with their music. Maybe they don't have as much to say as professional musicians, who have not only more technical training, but also more life experience, but they still have something to say. Maybe I'm listening to that thing that they're trying to say.

I just realized my blog is going to be kinda long tonight...I might just go of on multiple shpeals...oh well. That's what you get for venturing into Robyn's blog.

So, might as well stay on the same track for now. Music. Sometimes I have these really scary thoughts that maybe this isn't what I'm meant to do in life. Maybe there is something out there that I like more than music, and I just haven't found it yet. A lot of people say they didn't find out what they wanted to do with their life until they were halfway through university. I've been wanting to do music since grade 9. Grade 9! That's definitely not half-way through university. I'm kinda really scared I'll be in my second year of university or something and it'll suddenly hit me that there's something else I want to do, and it'll totally turn my whole life around. Would it make it seem like my whole life building up to that point was...a waste? Maybe not to that extent, but still.

However, there are also amazing moments that make me forget all about that. The best example recently was the CYO in Banff. We played Brahms 4. Amazing, especially for a song that I didn't actually like all that much at first. I just totally got lost in it. My mood literally changed as we played through the symphony, depending on the mood of the music. There were parts that I didn't even worry about technique or tuning, because it just happened. I just got lost in the music. Afterwards, or even between movements, I found myself thinking...wow, this is why I want to do music.

Which is funny, thinking back to a sectional with Stephen Frans last year. He was saying that it was stuff like Brahms 4 that reminded him why he went into music. And I remember thinking 'wow, I'll never be able to be that affected by a symphony' and going into another one of those mini panic attacks, thinking that I don't actually have what it takes to go into music and all that. And now look at my reaction to it.

It was just such a good feeling, I loved it so much. Maybe I'll refer to it more often when I go into those moments of doubt.

Oh, what else should I talk about. Well, if I'm going on a shpeal, I might as well include the whole deal.

Busy has pretty much been my middle name lately. I don't know how I'm keeping up with everything. Well, actually I do, it's called faking. But usually you get caught eventually when you fake, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I do, so I'd better get my act together.

The one thing that's been worrying me lately, in terms of being busy, is music council. I've been so busy, I haven't quite been as involved as I want to be, which isn't exactly good, seeing as I'm president and everything.

There was this particular instance when I thought I knew everything we had discussed, and I knew our tentative plans and everything, and then suddenly somebody comes to be and says, oh, by the way, these aren't tentative anymore, and we are actually doing all this, and we've already talked to these people. That was kind of a slap in the face. It just suddenly made me feel like I'm really not doing all I should be.

On the other hand, it also makes me wonder if I'm just being controlling, because I definitely don't want to be controlling.

I don't know what to think anymore. There are times when I wonder if Kate would be a better president, because she has more time, and there are times when I wonder if she cares about the program more. But at the same time, I become selfish, since I have been dreaming about being president since grade 10. That's a long time. And believe me, it was so cool to think that I'm actually achieving something I had planned two years ago. I love it.

There are various other thoughts I have, that I don't think I'll be sharing with you tonight, if ever. Things that I've been going over and thinking about. Yes, they do have to do with various what's-his-faces. (I've found out that whenever there's a guy involved with anybody in a relationship-type way, I refer to him as what's-his-face). I dunno, I don't really want to share details, since I'm not completely sure how I feel anymore. Why does this always happen? I seem to fool myself into thinking I know how I feel about somebody, and then suddenly it all changes on me. Why can't I be more like Mr. Logic? He always knows everything, and I'm just all over the place sometimes...more like often. But we won't go into Mr. Logic right now.

Anyways, there's a little bit of missing people going on, and general confusion, and perhaps some over thinking going on, and yes, I'll admit there's a little bit of jealousy in there too.

So...yeah. If anything clears up, I'll mention it, but right now I'm generally confused about things. I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I've been meaning to mention this for a while, and I keep forgetting. But I love nicknames with a passion. Honestly. I'm not completely sure what it is about them. I love them like I love inside jokes. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I never really had super close friends with whom I could have inside jokes and nicknames and such with until...well, grade 9, really. It just makes me feel special when I'm close enough with somebody to have insides jokes with them. And nicknames. Which means it kinda sucks that I don't have a name that's more nickname friendly. Oh well.

That's also kinda why I don't mind being identified as 'bassoon' rather than by my name. For slightly different reasons, but still. I really don't mind being associated more by my instrument then by my name. To an extent but still.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really leaving myself anything to look forward to in university. I mean, I've already joined a university ensemble, I'm being integrated (perhaps) into a chamber group, which we may or may not be performing, and I basically try in any other way possible to be involved at the university. So am I really leaving anything to look forward to?

I'm over thinking, I know I am. But still, I wonder sometimes if being so involved is good. Although I did have a chat with Gareth on our way to U of C Symphonic Band, and it was so encouraging, I loved it. I love having talks with people who encourage you. I mean, I love having talks with people who present a different view on things too, but sometimes it's nice to be encouraged, rather then have a talk with somebody who thinks it's their duty to expand your horizons.

I found out how much I actually love the feeling of being awake during the day, and not being in danger of falling asleep if you sit still for too long. Only problem with that is now I've been not doing my homework because I've been going to bed instead. It's not fair to have to choose between doing work and sleeping. Sleeping is necessary, but teachers don't tend to care if you way, well, it was between getting at least 6 hours of sleep or getting this done and getting 2 hours of sleep. It sucks. But oh well. I'll have to deal with it somehow.

Okay, I can't even go into detail about how much I have to do, and how much little time I have to do it, or I'll start going into the pains of despair and wonder why I'm doing all this to myself. But I know why I'm doing it. I'm going in search of what I mentioned above. I know I'm busy, but would I actually want to give up anything of what I have now? Not really.

Alright, I'm off to do something with my life.

~Calminaiel~

"Me and my reed aren't exactly on good relationship terms right now. Normally we'd just sit down to talk, and I'd tell him that if we can't work this out, I can just move on and hook up with a another reed. But that won't exactly work right now, because he knows he's the only reed I have that mostly works."

And now for something completely different

Me: Henry, we were just talking about how you make this piece happen. (meant in the most suggestive way possible)

Glenn: Yeah, well I can make this song happen.

Me: But Henry can make *anything* happen. *wink*

Glenn: Well I...nevermind.

Me: Hah, you can't make dirty jokes with just anybody since you have a girlfriend now.

Glenn: Yeah, that's why I stopped.

Me: See, I'm single. I can make dirty jokes with anybody I want to. I like a joke whore!

And that's my conclusion of the day.

~Calminaiel~

"I have to know which one is cuter, so I can eat the other one, and then stare at the cute one until I decide to eat it too."

Emotions for the day

Deja vu. Definitely some of that in there. Same place, same chair, same song...scary.

I got the weird sense that everything was going to change, because that's how I felt last year. Last year I spent that whole time dreading the fact that after this time, everything was going to be different, and I'd have to change all over again to keep up with it.

But at the same time, I knew that nothing was really changing, because this was their day. This is their day to change. It doesn't really affect me at all. It was such a weird feeling to feel like everything around me was changing, but knowing that my life itself was going to stay relatively the same. 'Twas odd.

Wonder / joy. It was so cool to sit there and hear everybody clapping and cheering. I mean, I know I've seen it happen before, but for some reason it meant more this time. I loved thinking that I'll be there some day, and they'll be clapping for me.

Hokay, I actually thought I had more to say on the topic of emotions today, but then I got typing, and I realized I don't actually have that much I feel I need to say. Whatevs.

However, I do think all my teachers are going to hate me for missing class all the time. I liked the fact that when I mentioned it to my mom, she was like 'well, do you really care what your high school teachers think about you?' which was nice. Still.

I also had a little scare today, thinking that maybe I've been too limited. Like, focusing so much on music and not as much on other things in life. But it's not like I ignore other things completely right? I do have a broader horizon then just music things.

Oh goodness, the excitement in life just never ends, does it? I was told that from high school into university, it changes from music drama to music politics. But listening to people talk today during our break, it kinda sounds like there's still drama. Maybe not to the extent of high school, but I think it's still there. Is that a good thing? I'm not sure. My opinion of drama is totally double sided.

Two quotes today.

~Calminaiel~

"Music is definitely a very hard profession to go into, maybe even one of the hardest. I mean, what other job can you get where your boss can tell you when you can't breathe?!"

"Okay, when we pass by this hallway, do the following: glance to the right, slow down, drool a little..."

(I lied, three)

"Excuse me, we are admiring the sport of gymnastics, and nothing more."

Practice, my love.

I actually practiced today, for the first time in...well, a long enough time that I'm ashamed to even name it. It felt so nice. Just me and Mia, and whatever sound came out. I spend pretty much two hours on scales. Two scales, to be exact. An hour for each. It felt nice to think that I can actually play those scales now, that I actually might know them inside and out.

My pieces didn't feel as good as my scales did. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just in the mood to work purely on technique, and just let things roll off my fingers, note after note, rather than worry about dynamics, and rhythms and everything else. I don't know. I was in a scale mood.

I'm not really self-conscious about my playing. I mean, I don't think I'm all high and mighty or anything. I'll leave that for the trumpets. But I don't exactly always worry about people hearing me. I suppose that's a good thing. It's just weird to talk to friends who worry about people hearing them practice, or who hate being judged or having their playing compare to other people, or competition. I've never really had a problem with other people hearing me practice. Sure, it gives me a chance to show off. Yeah, if they listen to me practice they'll hear me mess up, but whatever. Such is life. Deal with it.

As for being judged, people judge you everyday for anything. It's been happening since the dawn of time. I'm almost more worried about being judged for things outside of music than I am about people judging my playing. Yeah, I would like people to think I'm good. But if people don't like how I play when I'm doing the best I can...well, too bad. I'm still working on it. Deal with it. It's the same with being compared to other people's playing. It happens. That's the way it is.

And competition I never actually thought about as being negative. It's just how the music world works. If you're the best there is, you get jobs, you get gigs, you get recognized. If you're not, well, you're not. Maybe it's different for different music genres, and it's because I'm in classical that competition seems natural, but still. I've never thought much about it. It just seems like an odd concept to me to hate competition if you're going into music. But that's just me.

I've also discovered I'm very apathetic when I'm on band trips. Not about the music or anything related like that. Just things like...changing just around the corner when guys are in the room, or leaving my suitcase open when other people are hanging out in the room. I'm just like...whatever. Deal with it.

I said I was going to go to bed early ish, and apparently I'm not going to. Oh well.

I'm still trying to find what I have to say with my music. Is it something that eventually just comes naturally, or are musicians continuously searching for things to say with their music? I would think they'd always be finding things to say. Maybe it just becomes easier to say them as time goes on.

It's just like another language, right? Even with our first language, as we grow and gain more experience, we find it easier and easier to express ourselves to other people. Music's probably the same. We never run out of things to say, or the things we do say never loose meaning just because we've said similar things before. We just find different, and perhaps better ways of expressing things.

Maybe that didn't make any sense. It does to me.

I'm having spontaneous little depressing panic attacks. It's really weird. It freaked me out for a good 15 minutes the other night before I was able to convince myself it was okay and move my mind onto other thoughts. Don't worry about me (not that I'm assuming you are or anything) it's not serious. Just one of those things that gets to me when I'm given time to think.

More reasons why Robyn shouldn't be able to think. It's bad for her.

As a side note, I can't wait to get into university, but at the same time I'm terrified of high school ending.

For the record, I can't keep my princes straight. Unless their super amazing...but even then, it's questionable. Thomas from Pocahontas still beats them all anyways. He was super cute. Pity he didn't get a bigger role. But then he probably would have gone all egotistic like all the other main guys in movies. Let Mr. John Smith take that role. I'll take Thomas any day.

~Calminaiel~

"Pillars of skeletons and fish bones!"

Don't think this happens all the time

So, I pretty much had a mini mental orgasm today when we were talking about star gazing, and a nice place to star gaze.

It was really weird.

~Calminaiel~

"See, my dad does actually have a gun so..."
"You always denied that!"
"Well, of course I did. Otherwise you never would have come to my house."

Discovery Channel

Today we'll be following a particular species, of the male variety, through part of his daily routine.

This particular male interested many of our staff, and we decided to give him the codename 'Bob'.

Our experience with Bob started at approx. 10:40 today. We watched as he made his way into a popular resting area, and proceeded to have a late morning snack. It was the eating habits of Bob that was really fascinating. He seemed to have a liking for vegetables, peas in particular.

First Bob would carefully split the pea pod in half, and empty all the peas. He then started to make a little piles of peas, and then he would eat the pea pod. He continued to do this with several pea pods, and his pile of pea pods grew immensely. We're sure that he intended to eat the peas eventually, however our camera crew unfortunately had to leave before we could see the thrilling conclusion to Bob's snack.

And, there's my discovery channel entry for the day. As weird as it may seem. I find it amusing.

Favorite things in life:
Mashed potatoes.
Chocolate mousse.
Anonymous comments.
People coming to say hi just for the sake of saying hi.
Random smiles.
Hugs.
People assuring you that they're always there for you.
People asking if you're okay because they honestly care, not because they feel they're obligated to ask.
Blankets.
Feeling safe in your own bed.
Inside jokes.
Random acts of kindness.
Feeling so light you're positive you could fly if you wanted to.
Laughing until it hurts.
Smiling, and knowing you couldn't stop if you tried.
Being surrounded by people who you can be yourself with.
Not having to pretend all the time.
Cues from the conductor.
Having the conductor call you by name.
Playing without thinking about who's listening.
Waking up in the middle of the night and knowing you can go back to sleep.
Getting so involved with a book you forget about your own life.
Hoping and wishing, even if you know it won't come true.
Remembering your dreams in the morning.
Heart-to-heart talks.
Having somebody to look up to.
Becoming the person you look up to.
Feeling like you could do anything you want to.
Feeling like nothing can stop you.
Knowing that others are behind you all the way.

I don't really need cues from the conductor. Generally I count fairly well and I usually know where I am. But that doesn't mean I don't like having them. It really does feel good when the conductor looks right at you the second before you're supposed to come in. Maybe it's just because I'm a bassoon, and so conductor's are generally busier cuing trumpets and flutes rather than bassoons, but still. I love it when we get cues. Makes me feel like I'm maybe actually contributing something to the band.

And I think I realized just recently that for the first time, I've actually become somebody I look up to. I remember in grade 10, when I first found out there was a music council, and that there was a president of the music council, I wanted to be president so bad. For the one year that we had in school together, I totally looked up to Kaity. I wanted to be as cool as her. And recently, I realized that I'm kind of there. I am president of the music council, for good or for bad, which I had been thinking about since the beginning of grade 10. That's a long time to be dreaming of something like that. Now, about being as cool as Kaity, I'm not sure if I've achieved that. But every once in a while a grade 10 with throw me an encouraging comment that makes me feel like maybe I'm making a difference.

It also makes me think of the people I look up to now, and wondering if maybe I can eventually become them as well. It's an exciting thought.

~Calminaiel~

"I sizzle Robyn, for being an amazing bassoon player. She's so dedicated to the music program, and she does wonderful work for the music council. I hope she never gives up on her dream."
<3

For better or worse

Quote:

"You really need to smarten up your act. First of all, I show up to our first rehearsal and you're hogging out music stand so that I can't see a thing. Then I come here to find that you've pushed me off the steps and out of the ensemble completely. Am I not a part of this group too? What did I do to deserve being treated like this? You need to stop acting like a little pre-madonna and start treating other people with some respect. I sit beside Stephen Frans in the CPO and he treats me like a human-being, so I should get the same treatment from you. You can't just walk in here and steal the show. You need to change your attitude towards other people if you intend to get anywhere in music."

...unquote.

Every time I think about this, I want to cry. Seriously, I'm absolutely terrified of you. I was even before you said all that.

But I do have some things in response to all that. First of all, you never even mentioned you couldn't see the music on the stand. I'm not telepathic. I can't tell if you can't see it, and I can't see out of your eyes. If you had even

commented on the fact that it was hard to see, I would have been more then willing to let you move the stand however you wanted so that you could see it perfectly.

Second of all, the second row was super-crowded. We could hardly fit in the french horns. Now, I know I could have done more to make sure there was room for you, but I'm not the only person in the row. Not only am I not the only person there, I was also the youngest in the group, and only a guest. Not that those are excuses, but to an extend, I was very intimidated by the group itself, and I wanted to make sure I was in the right spot, never mind asking everybody else to move. You also could have taken the initiative to gently ask me, or anybody else in the second row, if we could all move over to make room for you. But if you like scaring the hell out of me instead, by all means, don't let me stop you.

So yeah, a lot of what you said made me mad, simply because it's not all my fault. Yes, I could have taken more responsibility for things, but you could have too.

Yeah, it makes me mad. But my fear is so much greater then my anger. You were absolutely terrifying. Then again, I've never had things like that said to me, so maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But still. I do think some of that was uncalled for.

So thanks for making me cry for an entire 30 minutes before our concert. Thanks for making me think more about holding myself together rather then making music during the first half of the concert. But at the same time, thanks for showing me how decent other people are. I can tell you there were about 5 people that night that approached me and spoke to me about it, and they were all 3 times nicer then I could ever imagine you being now.

I hope you know that no matter how mad I may be, I will always be terrified of you, and in an ideal world, I would avoid you for the rest of my life. But I'm also going into music, so that makes me think that maybe we're bound to run into each other again. But hopefully that moment can be put off until I'm maybe a little stronger and not affected so much by these sorts of things.

I felt so young after those things were said. I just wanted to find a corner, or my mom, or a friend or something and just cry. But that's not so easy when you have a concert to play in half an hour. So I did what my mom said, and I just tried to hold myself together and play the concert like a professional would. Even if he doesn't think I'm a professional.

Okay, on to other things, because even thinking about that so much has gotten me scared again.

I love heart-to-heart talks with a complete passion. I'm not even kidding. There is rarely a moment when I don't love them. Especially the one on Saturday. That totally made my life complete. I'd like to think that my life might improve a lot now. Maybe, maybe not. But I'm almost positive that things will be better. Which almost makes the last few months worth it. Looking back, of course. At the time, it was hell. But that's another story, maybe one that's ready to be put on the bookshelf for a while.

In other news, I'm going to be insanely busy for the next two months. Wish me luck.

Time to crawl into my bed and recover. I feel safe in my bed.

(P.S: Vic Lewis. I'm so excited. And slightly nervous at the same time.)

~Calminaiel~

"Wow, I look at your life, and I think, how many guys have I had in my life? One...two...um...I mean...one."

My purpose in life

So, I really do believe that the main purpose in my life is to be there for my friends. I always say it. And I really do think it's true.

Now, the only problem with that is I don't think I'm always very good at being there. Yeah, I might be there, but do I give good advice? Do I actually help them out at all, other than just being there? Sometimes I'm not so sure, which makes me feel really stupid when I keep repeating that I'm always there for them, and that's why I'm on earth.

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better at helping friends. That makes me feel better about the whole thing.

And, once again, I've also been reflecting on my life. Whether that's good or not, I'm honestly not sure, but that never really keeps me from doing it, right?

I've been thinking about how it's odd how I finally started really opening up to others. In movies and books and stuff, people always start opening up after they find somebody, a friend, or a significant other or something, who helps them open up to the world a little more.

Now, I know I shouldn't be comparing life to books and movies, but whatever. I like comparing things, because it makes reflecting easier. Or something like that.

But it real life, it really wasn't like that for me. I mean, sure, in grade 9 I found one of my best friends ever who really helped me out. And even finding him in grade 10 also did wonders for me.

But really, it wasn't until things ended that I actually started opening up, which is weird. Again, in moves and stuff usually after being heart-broken, they always find it so difficult to open up to people again.

I still find that concept slightly odd. It's like, throughout elementary and jr. high I was totally shy, and basically didn't speak unless I was spoken to. I had a certain image in my mind that I wanted to become, and a certain way I thought I should be, and how other people should see me.

In grade 10 we ran into each other, and I opened up just a little bit more, and started to be just a little more outgoing, although not much. The image I felt I had to project for myself vanished, and I was looking at the world through completely optimistic eyes. Of course I had my moments, but for the most part, I look back at grade 10 and think that so far, that's been the happiest year of my life.

That summer I started thinking. To be honest, I can't actually say exactly what happened that summer. Colorado made things hard. Red Deer made things a little bit harder. And I guess after that I just assumed things would go as smoothly as they did over the school year. But I didn't think that I'd have to put more effort into things.

Grade 11. I made myself blind that year. Things were going wrong right in front of my face and I ignored them completely. We blind ourselves to things we don't want to see, right? There were signs all over the place. I was told it right to my face. And still I did nothing.

And then, it ended. At the time it seemed like it happened so suddenly, but looking back, I know I should have seen it coming. Even worse, I know I should have done something about it, but I didn't.

After that, I wanted to promise myself I'd show how much it meant to me. I don't even know how long I went on like this, but for quite a while I didn't allow myself to smile, except for maybe a weak one just to humour people. I didn't even play music with any emotion, although that passed in a couple days, since music was really all I had to hold on to at that point. I stopped eating, except when I was in front of my parents, since I didn't want them asking about it.

The rest of the story is plain to see in my blogs around that point in time. All about feeling like a wall. Everything in there explains it, and I don't think I really want to go through it again right now.

But really, I hit a point where I just felt like I had to go on. And to be honest, most of it was because of a random comment on one of my past blogs. I have two people in mind who might have said it, but I'm not sure which one. I'd really like to know, but I'm not sure if I'll ever actually ask one of them if they did it. Maybe it's best to let it go, even if I do really really want to know.

At some point during my past reflecting, I also realized that the problem back then was that I didn't open up to people. And since then I've been so much more relaxed when it comes to opening up. Sure, maybe not all the time, but I'm sure better then I used to be. My favorite quote concerning this: Experience is the hardest teacher, for it gives the test first and the lesson afterwards. It's so true.

Another thought hit me. I just couldn't keep up. There's the type of people who change very quickly, and I'm not that type. Not really, anyways. I just couldn't keep up with the change. I'd like to think that I would have caught up eventually, but I can't be sure of that.

I guess there's just some things you can't wait for. Sure, I was told that I'd always have somebody waiting for me, but they never think of things like this when they say that, do they?

Don't think that I've having another relapse. I'm not, really. I'm just reflecting. I'll admit a little bit of regret comes with the reflecting, but that's only if I do it for a long time. Usually the regret is a minimum, and it's not like I dwell over this stuff during the day. It's just during the quiet hours of the night where my mind wanders. It will move on eventually, I promise. But like I said, I change at my own pace, which isn't exactly fast.

Wounds heal. Scars don't. Do I have a wound or a scar? I don't know yet. It's too early to tell. I think it's a wound. It's just one that will stay sore for a while.

Whenever I think about things like this, it makes me a little nervous to thinking about starting something again. I don't want to go through this cycle again.

But that thought will grow into an entire discussion within itself, so maybe I'll leave that for another blog post, as this one is already rather long. Congrats if you've actually made it this far.

I think that's enough reflecting for one night. Both my parents have bugged me about going to bed. I hate it when they do that. I'm 17. I know what I'm doing. And I'm not dead yet, so I must be doing something in life right. =P

As a side note, don't think that all my reflecting is leaving me in stupid moods all the time. There really are times when I feel I could just fly. And sometimes it's for no particular reason whatsoever. I love it.

I love dreaming. I can't say why. Some dreams are hilarious, some are scary, others make you think. I just love them in general. It's too bad I'm always so tired over the school year that my sleep is so light, I either don't dream, or I'm so exhausted I don't remember dreams. It makes me sad.

Now I'd better leave you. Just remember that a good talk and a Slurpee can solve a lot of things.

Of course, there are many things that can solve problems in life. But tonight, I think that's a good one. Maybe I should start saying daily things that help in life...but then I'd start thinking about it too much. I'll just let them come as they wish, and then pass it on to the world.

At least, to the part of the world that reads my blog. Which consists of perhaps two people. Oh well. One can hope that word gets around, right?

~Calminaiel~

"Me and numbers are far from being on friendly terms. It's like having a bad ex I didn't even date."

Reflecting

It's weird to think that everybody in the world has something that everybody else doesn't know about them.

I'll be reading somebody's blog, and suddenly I'll think 'wow, there is a whole other level to this person.'

I know people who I think put themselves right out to the world, and aren't afraid to hide anything, and then somehow I'll find out that even they have things that they don't share.

Sometimes I feel like I just reflect upon other people's thoughts, and I never really have original thoughts of my own.

It's understandable, kinda. I live off other people. Despite the fact that I'm kinda antisocial in the morning, I love being with friends.

For the record, these are all random thoughts. I have no interest currently in following a specific thought pattern. Or line. Or anything.

I want to go busking. Really. It'd be fun, I think, and at least a way to make some spare change every now and then. Stupid city of Calgary doesn't like to show where / how to get busking permits, so that's useful.

If I'm not doing anything productive, I should actually go to bed kinda early for once.

And finish writing a letter.

I wish we talked more. Sometimes I want something so desperately that it's really not even funny. Sometimes when I take a step back, I wonder if I really want to jump into something again if it really does take so much work to hold it together.

It shouldn't take work. If it takes work, it's not right. It's not worth it.

That's a lie. I know it is.

In response to the last post: Impulse.

~Calminaiel~

"You were thinking about how he'd look in a bathing suit, weren't you?"

Crossing the line

I definitely have a very thin line between 'hinting I like a guy' and 'being annoying'. How do I know when I've crossed that line? Blah.

That's really the main thing I have to say. But since I've started a post, I might as well throw some other stuff in here too.

Why can't my feelings and thoughts just stay the same for a little while? Like, I'll have some of those weird days where suddenly I'm questioning all my feelings and thoughts, and they contradict everything I believed the day before. Sometimes it's refreshing. Sometimes it's troubling. Either way, it's slightly unsettling to think that everything I think and believe can switch like that so suddenly.

I can't let regrets creep up on me. I've been doing so well, I've finally moved on...and yet sometimes little things come up that just won't go away and I sometimes to venture into the realm that I really shouldn't venture into...wondering why I didn't just do something, or say something. Almost anything different than what I actually did do.

It doesn't come up often, only when I let myself think of the fact that I had exactly what I wanted, and somehow lost it. And now I don't know when I'll get it back.

And then, just to contradict all that, I also sometimes get the feeling that I really don't need what I had back then. I'm fine right now, and I don't need to depend on anything but myself...and maybe my reed.

Also, when I actually let myself think about it, I'm kinda scared to do it again. I mean...I dunno. Maybe I'm just thinking about this too much. Not sure I want to mention any other details here. If you're really interested you could ask, not that it's really that interesting of a topic.

And Paul's sad that he hasn't been mentioned in a while. Hi Paul. You have been mentioned.

~Calminaiel~

"You're getting fingerprints on it!"
"But you get fingerprints on it yourself."
"Yeah, but only on the bottom part."
"And you can always just polish it off later."
"But...but...it's so much better to just keep it clean in the first place..."

Impulse or Intelligence?

I wonder if I was faced with a decision, if I would take the smart route, or just go with my immediate impulse. I know I'm faced with a lot of decisions that probably apply here, but with those ones the answer is pretty obvious. Either not thinking about it is in the only way to do it (ex. jumping off a diving board), or the impulse way is so ridiculous, it's not even considered as an option.

But in all seriousness, if I was faced with a choice where both impulse and intelligent decisions had pros and cons, which one would I go with?

There's my random pondering for the day. Other than that, I really don't have anything meaningful to say.

Today was a pretty awesome day. You can't deny it. Except that now I actually have to do homework, which is not pleasing.

So I'd better get back to my attempt to do something productive. Wish me luck.

~Calminaiel~

"Yeah, well you can't unhook a bra from underneath a shirt."

Synonyms for forever

I remember wanting to post before I skedaddled my way off to choir camp, and I remember that the above title was what I wanted to call it. But I can't remember why, which kinda sucks, because I'm pretty sure it was a half decent topic...oh well. Maybe I'll just kinda blab on about things for a while and I may or may not remember. We'll see.

Oh dear, that dreaded phrase. We'll see. How is it that I bounce back and forth between liking that phrase and hating it? Sometimes it bugs me so much when people want every little detail for everything, and I just want to tell them to wait and 'we'll see'. But then when I'm really wondering about things, people are like, well, wait and 'we'll see' and I'm like, no! I don't want to see, I want to know now!

I know I'm a hypocrite. I'm slightly ashamed, but I think everybody's a hypocrite in some way. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that to make me feel better.

My dad had an accident on his bike today. Apparently he went over a bump or something and flew right over his bike and landed on his face, where he just kinda lay, being really out of it / unconscious until an ambulance came and took him to the hospital. It wasn't very comforting to get in the car after All Cities rehearsal and hear my mom talking on the cell phone, asking which hospital he's in. But he's alright. His face is pretty banged up, and he dislocated his pinky finger, but apparently all his ribs are all right, and he doesn't have any head trauma or anything of the sort.

U of C concert went quite well. My favorite part during out performance had to be when the whole band was rushing so much that we were a full beat ahead of the conductor, and somehow we all chose the exact same moment to stop for a full beat and come back in with the conductor. It was amazing. I love that group.

Hanging out afterwards was also a blast. Mom was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into the Grad Hall, since it's an 18 and over type of deal, but they weren't checking for IDs. Probably since they obviously only expect university kids to be there anyways. But whatever.

And now I've definitely spent more time on here than I meant to, partly because I got distracted by chatting and youtube.

One more thing I definitely have to say before I leave, because I've been wanting to say this so much to people, except I also don't want to sound all egotistic and everything.

Anyways, when I auditioned for university ensembles, I basically auditioned for the Wind Ensemble, Orchestra, and Symphonic band, and ended up only getting accepted into Symphonic band. Anyways, my teacher and I were talking, and..

Teacher: So Dr Glenn Price liked your audition. He was just concerned about whether you'd be able to get out of high school for rehearsals.
Me: Of course I would.
Teacher: I know, and I told him that. But he was also concerned it might take away from actual things like marks that you actually need to get further in life.
Me: Yeah, I guess. But I wouldn't let that happen.
Teacher: I'm sure, but still. We talked about it for a while, and in the end what it came down to is that there are university students who have actually paid to take courses like this, while you haven't.
Me: Right, that's true.

So, from that discussion, does it not sound like Dr. Price was seriously considering me for the Wind Ensemble?! It's amazing, I love that thought so much, and whenever somebody says that it's great that I'm in the university symphonic band, I always really want to say that it is great, but at the same time I was being considered for the Wind Ensemble! As in, that amazing group we heard play at Aberhart on Tuesday! I'm in high school and I could have been accepted into that group!

Okay, now that it's out I promise I won't brag about it. I just really wanted to get it out there because I was so happy after hearing that.

I suppose I could go on if I really wanted to, but I still have choir camp pictures to put on facebook, and I should really get a half decent sleep before orchestra tomorrow. I also have to check with Corey to be sure that we're getting together tomorrow, although I'm pretty sure he's up for it.

~Calminaiel~

"I'll make you a deal. I won't tell anybody about anything that happened tonight if you don't tell anybody about anything you see on facebook."

Fluctuating day

I don't know where that title came from. I was trying to think of a way to describe my day, and that word came into my mind.

Anyways, as previously stated, I kinda had an odd day. And my thoughts pretty much changed at every corner, which always makes the day interesting.

Where to start...at the beginning I suppose. Or perhaps before the beginning.

So, last night I wrote a bunch of stuff in my notebook that I probably should have mentioned weeks ago. I never did, but last night I basically said to heck with it, and I wrote it all down. It was so weird how much better I felt after I got it out, and I'm wondering if maybe I can go back to how I was before. I guess we'll see, although I still feel like it's the kind of thing I'll never be sure about until I reach the point where I have to decide. It's like the diving board. You never actually know if you'll be able to jump until you get to the end of the board.

This morning I started right off and overdosed on hopeless romantic things. Of course, seeing Across the Universe again last night didn't help at all. I also listened to certain songs on the way to school, which didn't help the situation.

Then throughout the day I found myself questioning the thoughts I've had for the past couple weeks. For a few moments here and there I was horribly frightened that everything I've believed and told other people was all a lie, and I'd somehow have to find a way to sort out my life all over again.

I also just realized that between my notebook, this blog, and socialmoth, you can find out anything about my life, because I think I mention pretty much everything about my life in those three things. Not everything in one, but between them all, it's like reading the story of my life.

I think for the first time I saw Mike as one person. It was during bassoon seminar when it really hit me. Before I've always kind of seen him as two people. He's either cool bassoon guy who's my friend, or amazing bassoon guy who I want to be like, but sometimes question whether I have to ability to actually play at the same level as him. (I have no idea if that last sentence, but it was the best way I could get my thoughts across. Deal with it.) But today in bassoon seminar, after we had played all our audition pieces for each other, we were talking about it. And we all think Mike's amazing, but listening to Francesca talk to / about him kind of made me realize that he's still a student too. I think this was the first time I saw him as an amazing player, but a student all the same. I've never really thought about the fact that Mike's still a student, and he's still learning and making mistakes just like me. To me he's always been amazing in general, and could do anything he wanted to already.

I'm not sure how else to express my feelings about this. It was a very neat thought process that happened in a span of about 60 seconds.

And I still hate conflicting dates. It's so frustrating, and just makes me wonder why I try to do so much. Except I know I wouldn't leave anything I've joined, even if it made life easier. I enjoy everything I do, and I guess I just want to get the most out of life that I can. I know other people say I should take it slow. People have said that I need to save some things so I still have new things to experience later in life. I'm sure the people who are involved in my conflicting dates are possibly also a little frustrated that I'm always going to them and saying I have something else to do. And truth be told, another thing I hate about conflicting dates is the fact that it forces me to choose between two things that I enjoy, and am apart of. I don't want anybody to think I value something over something else, but the fact of life is that often you have to choose between those two things. And often I hate justifying my choice, because my reasoning may be completely different than the views of other people.

I really don't know where I'm going with this. It just kinda came out.

I should go and work on some social...I have a feeling that keeping my booklet up to date in social is going to help me keep my mark up a lot. And I need that. So I might as well make it look like I'm putting some sort of effort into that class.

I also hope I don't have much of any other homework, because I don't plan on doing it. And I definitely need to let my teachers know about choir camp.

~Calminaiel~

"No, I've never drank, or used drugs, or done any sexual experimentation."

Some thoughts

I figured last night's post was kinda lame. So I decided I'd post again with something hopefully a little more interesting.

First with some general stuff...I totally didn't print out music I need for bassoon seminar tomorrow, meaning I didn't practice it, so I'm going to be totally owned by the university bassoonists tomorrow. Sigh. On the up side, I think my mouth is pretty much good now, and my bassoon's on it's way home, so I should have it for the concert on Thursday. Good stuff.

Me and Chloe saw Across The Universe again tonight. I didn't think it could get any better, but somehow it's so much better the second time. It also made me think, 'I want a boy...now.' Or rather...'I want *that* boy...now...' but we'll leave that for another time.

By the way, those kinds of movies are exactly the reason why I'm so hopelessly romantic. Damn movies. I love them...

As a side note, I totally just killed another pair of headphones. Stupid things. I need a pair that will actually last me...

Okay, now on to the interesting stuff. Where to start is the real question.

First of all, it seems like everybody else actually has something significant and meaningful to put on their blogs. All the time. I mean, I have my moments, but some posts like last night are just there to take up space. So that either means A) I live a very meaningless life, B) I just don't think as much as other people do, or C) I just can't put my thoughts into meaningful words like they can. I can't decide which one it is.

Now for something that I always meant to talk about here, but never did last night because I was too tired.

At band camp, me, Rebecca, Chloe, and Aidan went to the field at some ungodly hour in the morning to look at the stars. They were very cool, despite the fact that I didn't have my glasses on, and so could just see fuzzy white dots. But whatever.

I actually found the walk there more interesting than the stars themselves. It was pitch black, with absolutely no light except for starlight, which wasn't exactly significant. So you couldn't see anything. You wouldn't even have been able to see somebody walking straight at you until they were four feet away. Which Rebecca did to me, and it was scary as hell itself, but that's another story.

Anyways, the biggest thing about the dark was that I couldn't even see the ground I was walking on. Which was a weird experience for me, because I almost always glance at the ground when I'm walking. I just like to know where I'm putting my feet. It's been a habit since before I can remember. Whenever I'm walking and it's completely dark, I always move super slow because I'm not sure what my feet will run into.

Which makes it really weird that it wasn't like that at camp. Even in my home, where I know where everything is, if it's dark, I move super slow. This was the band camp road, and while I've been there twice before, that still doesn't exactly make it familiar. But I hardly slowed my pace at all.

For some reason I had a weird confidence that night, and I put one foot in front of the other without thinking at all about what might be coming. I wasn't at all worried about what I might run into, or trip over, or anything.

I can't figure out why that happened that night. Even in broad daylight I glance at where I'm walking. Yet there I couldn't see anything and I wasn't even worried about it.

Was it the fact that it was impossible to see, therefore I didn't even bother? Did I just trust the road for some reason? Did I trust my feet?

This may seem pointless to other people, but seeing as I like comparing life to a road, it makes it interesting for me.

Another odd thing is that my trust, whether it was in my feet or the road, wasn't betrayed. Usually when I have an odd trust while walking in the dark I always run into something or trip. But this time I didn't run into anything. The road was smooth, I never tripped...it was interesting.

I wish I could have thought about this more while walking back to camp as well, but seeing as somebody had mentioned Stephen King, and I'm just starting to finish It, I was more worried about a man-eating clown than trusting the road...

I also love being president of the music council. I don't like to mention that too often, because being president doesn't really mean I'm any better than anybody else on the council. We're really all equal when it comes down to stuff like that. But still.

It's so cool to have people I don't know (like grade 10s) coming up to me and asking me about stuff. It's nice to be known, especially since I've never really been the person who everybody knows.

It's also weird to think that there are possibly grade 10s out there that are now looking up to me. I know that when I first found out about the music council in my grade 10 year, and found out Katie was president, I idolized her from that moment on, and I totally wanted to be like her. It's cool to think that I'm now in the position I wanted since September of grade 10...and now there are possibly grade 10s that are having those same thoughts now.

I've never been somebody who other people look up to, although I've always wanted to be. It's so cool. At the same time, it's scary, because if they're looking up to me, they're probably thinking I'm so cool, and I know for a fact that I'm probably not half as cool as they think I am...

Of course, I may just be fooling myself. There might be absolutely no grade 10s out there idolizing me, and thinking I'm cool. More than half are probably thinking I'm crazy, and have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Which actually wouldn't be far from the truth...

Alright...methinks I'm done for the night. Any other significant thoughts I can post tomorrow. Or some other time. I'm sure they'll get up here eventually. And I'm sure two seconds after I post this I'm going to think of something I meant to say. Oh well. Such is life.

And, to let everybody know what I had to go through at band camp, a series of quotes to end tonights post.

It actually makes me wonder why I continued to go to their cabin...

~Calminaiel~

"Well, it's not like we'll be having a sexy orgy party or anything while Robyn's here."
"No, it's not you Robyn, it's just your personality."
"Is Robyn Phillips still here? Because if not, we can have that sexy-orgy party now."
"Damn, Robyn's here. Now we can't have our sexy orgy party."

Another band camp

Another band camp has gone. Let us share a moment of silence.

It was so awesome.

All the activities for both nights worked out. There was the occasional glitch here and there, but there always will be in life.

I dunno, I guess I don't really have much to say, but I figured I might as well post.

Had some good heart to heart talks with friends during band camp, which is always healthy. I'm getting tired of the phrase 'we'll see'. I don't want to wait and see. I was to know. Now.

Heffernan, Paddock, and Waters are the most awesome people I've ever met in my whole life.

Except when one of them walks into my cabin playing trumpet at 6:45 in the morning. That took away from the awesomeness a little bit. =P

I have many other various thoughts from band camp, but I don't feel like taking the time and effort to say them all here. If you're really super curious, ask me.

But for now, I might as well be off to finish uploading pictures from band camp.

~Calminaiel~

"But when I tell them to take out their Fussel / They call me a son of a beach."

Damn Internet

So, my computer's being kinda stupid. I bookmarked my blog, but lately when I click on it, it doesn't bring me here because it says that there's some sort of error with the HTML or something. But it's also doing that with some other blogs I try to go to. So I dunno if it's just my computer, or if blogger's having a moment or something. Oh well.

I can see a late night ahead of me. I have to type up details for band camp, send them out and print out a copy or two, upload things on facebook, both from Haley's party and Calaway park today, and attempt to do some English stuff, even though I have quite a limited idea of what that will be.

I had such a scary panic attack last night...it wasn't even funny. I was really scared. It still hasn't worn off entirely, but I'm sure I'll be fine. Getting out and doing stuff with friends, even if it's just school. It still gets me away from thinking about things that don't need thinking about.

And tomorrow's Tuesday. Normally I'm not a fan of Tuesdays. But recent events / emotions have changed my mind. Tuesday's not a bad day. There are better days, to be sure, but Tuesday's not a bad day.

I really hope I don't forget anything. I should start writing stuff down.

I feel really behind. My mouth is still slightly sensitive about me playing too much, so I've kinda been avoiding practicing, which is really setting me back, especially since I'm supposed to be practicing for NYO auditions. So I really hope it gets better soon, because seriously, it's getting kinda ridiculous.

Trying to think of other things to say...and mostly failing. That's a sign I should actually start working on things that need to get done tonight.

Wish me luck.

~Calminaiel~

"Spiderman!"

Dear Prudence

So, I've basically had that song in my head since the dawn of time itself. Or at least ever since I saw Across the Universe. Pretty much the best movie ever. I love it.

I'm pretty sure I don't have much to say tonight, but I figured I'd post something anyways, just for the heck of it.

I love playing duets with Corey. We sound so good. We'll sound better once I have my bassoon back, but whatever. Speaking of which, I don't think it's going to come back before band camp, which really sucks. But oh well I guess. I'm taking the next two days off to let my face heal, since it got all puffy again after I practiced one morning, which sucks.

I can't stand waiting! Honestly...I like him, and I want us to talk more. And we kinda started talking more near the end of the week, but now I have to wait a whole long weekend before I find out if that was just some sort of weird fluke, or if we're actually going to start talking more on a regular basis.

sigh. I'm going insane. Why can't I help but compare this to grade 10? I told myself I wouldn't do that, because of course it's different, but I really am...I can't remember if it feels the same...sometimes I think it feels basically the same, and sometimes I'm not so sure. Although the moments when I'm not so sure don't come up very often...

Yay, relatives are over. It's not so bad, but still, it disturbs the peace of the house for a few days.

And...that's actually pretty much it. That's the only thing that's driving me crazy at the moment. Everything else I think I can handle.

Although I definitely need to update my iPod. There's a variety of music that I need to add on there and haven't gotten around to it.

~Calminaiel~

"Tails, go left...woah, take the next *safest* left..."

Secrets all around

I heard the scariest conversation tonight. Seriously, it sounded like a war was being planned. I listened with awe, not able to believe what was being said. I can't believe that somebody would do that. I can't believe we have to prepare for something like this. It makes me feel better, knowing we have good people behind it all, who are willing to fight, but still. It was frightening, thinking of the worst that could happen. And at the same time, I feel guilty for thinking that by the time anything too serious happens, it won't have a large effect on me.

I hope I don't seriously fall into that, thinking that it doesn't matter if it doesn't effect me. I always want to support them, and I know I will. It's still frightening. And at the same time, it makes me so mad. This is an important thing to many people, and sometimes others don't recognize how hard people work for this.

And I'm sorry, but even if you ask I can't tell you what this is about. I know it could be mis-interpreted about a hundred different ways, but I still can't say anything. Don't worry though, I don't think it's nearly as bad as I made it out to be. At least not yet.

In other news, I think Paddock and Waters are about the two smartest people I've ever met in my whole life.

Why does life have to be so complicated? I know I've said this a thousand times before, but still. If I could just take my emotion out of things, I think it might actually be a lot easier. I look at things practically, and think that it's really not a big deal and I just have to grow up. But then the situation actually comes and I chicken out. How can I ever fix things if I keep chickening out? Like I said, hopefully I grow up sometime in the near future. We can only hope.

And I can go to NYB 2008! Originally our spring band concert prevented me from doing that, but it's been moved, so now I can. It pretty much made my life complete.

Chloe, I was too nervous/timid/other word of that sort to say this in social. But if you could do some talking for me, that would actually be kinda nice. As I'm sure you've read, I apparently haven't completely grown up yet. =P I will one day, I promise. But for now...if you could just give me a little boost...I think that might help a little. =)

Oh, how I dislike being in the middle of things. Creates quite the conflict. Sometimes when I'm caught in a position like that, I just have to walk away. It's usually easiest.

I definitely feel like there are people out there who I used to talk to soo much, and now I haven't been talking to them as much this year. Which really does make me sad. Maybe it's just start of school stress and busy-ness. Maybe we really are drifting apart, which would actually make me cry. I'm going to put my faith in that it's just everything that's going on with the start of school. Hopefully band camp might bring an end to that barrier and I can reconnect with people that are important to me.

Hm...I guess that's kinda what my horoscope said today. Maybe the horoscopes this time weren't as unimpressive as I first thought.

As much as I sometimes pretend I don't like certain attention...I usually do. I may not be as out there as some people, but I do tend to like attention.

That was a very random statement, and I tried to think of more to add to it, but that's really all I have to say.

I should go do my social so I stand a chance at the test tomorrow. Wish me luck.

~Calminaiel~

"Fine, I'll just say she tried to have an affair with me."

The most amazing movie ever

I watched it tonight. Me, Chloe, and Henry went to the movies. It was very totally amazing. Across the Universe, which is the movie with all the Beatles songs if you're like me and can't identify a movie by just the title.

It was seriously so amazing, Not great if you're the kind of person that's plot orientated, but amazing if you're a thinker type. There were so many things that I knew had some message hidden in it somewhere, but I just couldn't completely get it. I really want to suggest (strongly suggest) that we watch it in English, just so we could have a huge discussion on it so I might actually understand it more.

Anyways. Today was definitely very fun. I have to upload pictures from Heritage Park onto facebook, because that was totally awesome. I also saw Weston there, which was great.

I get to sleep in tomorrow, which is amazing. It also means that I actually get to stay up tonight, and give in to my inner night owl. Which will be very nice.

I also think I'm gonna lay off the playing for another week. I'll probably play for major stuff like U of C Symphonic Band, but for the most part, I think I'm gonna go easy in school, and just practice fingerings for my lessons, and not actually play. I played through all three hours of All Cities, and then the whole sectional for CYO today. My mouth felt like it just went back a whole week. Not very pleasant. It doesn't feel all that bad now, but still, I'd rather let it heal a little more, rather then doing the whole two steps forward and one step back kinda thing.

Not much else to say I think. Although I am missing RPing. Between talking about it with Corey and writing about it in writers workshop, I really am missing it. Sigh.

~Calminaiel~

"The table's not long enough? Well, use your imagination. Be creative."

Life in general

So, I was totally going to rant here about how I hate it when you need people to do something for you, even a very simple thing, and they still can't do it. Then you're left hanging there, needing to get stuff done, but unable to while people aren't helping.

But that mood quickly passed. I feel much better now.

Note to self: Must update news on Abe music group, and on music council website. I've been putting that off because I really haven't had the energy/effort to get to work on it, so I should just get it done.

Other note to self: Must also water my plants. They're dying. It's hard to sleep at night because I swear I can hear them all crying out to me.

Okay, so maybe it's not that bad. But hey, at least I have an imagination. Or whatever you want to call that thing inside my skull.

Man, I am in a weird mood right now. I think I'm just insanely happy, but it's not the kind of happy that makes me bounce around and be all hyper. It's an inside happy that just generally brightens my day. The kind of happy that makes me wish it wasn't night, and that I was hanging around with friends and laughing and generally enjoying life.

Which I technically am doing right now. Enjoying life, that is. I'm just not doing it with friends.

And I won't really be enjoying life when I have to get to work on my social. But at least I get to do it here. It's a lot more relaxing then a classroom.

I also have to write in the notebook tonight, and finish my pro/con list. I'm horrible at writing those. I'm better at sorting piles...sometimes. There are the occasional times where everything seems to end up in the maybe pile. Which isn't exactly helpful most of the time.

Grade 10s make my day. I know we've already mostly discussed that, but it's very true.

I was walking down the hall during French, to get something from the office, and I saw Mark dash out of a classroom, put on a pair of glasses, stick a paper tie to his shirt, and walk back it. It was very odd.

Oh, I was also going to rant about people who don't show up to meetings, and then wonder why they don't know what's going on, and then they try to discuss everything with one other person afterwards. Which doesn't work. That's why there are meetings.

But I don't feel like going to much into that. I'm in a happy mood, I'd like to stick with that.

I definitely need some cookies. We haven't had any in forever.

And I am looking forward to pajamas tomorrow. Not so much my bassoon lesson, seeing as I haven't practiced all week, and my mouth still kinda hurts, and I'll be using a stupid bassoon and most likely a stupid reed. But oh well. I will bring my camera to All Cities, so maybe we can get some fun rehearsal pictures to put on our facebook group.

Must go now if I expect to finish everything I want to, and perhaps get to bed at a half decent time.

Ha. Bed at a half decent time. Like that'll ever happen. =P

~Calminaiel~

"Oh...I was hoping they joined because they saw our posters."

I love...

Hokay, so I wasn't going to post tonight, but seeing as I actually kept track of things I should write here, I figured I'd might as well not waste that.

First things first, how can somebody have so much influence on my life? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous. Do I really want that to be one of the primary thoughts whenever I think of high school? I'm not so sure. I'm terribly frightened for the end of high school, when we'll go our separate ways. I really don't have any clear thoughts on this, because I'm not entirely sure exactly how I feel, how I should feel, or how I want to feel. It's all a mixture of everything. Have I wasted my high school years? No, I won't go so far to say that.

I'll stop there, before I start going in circles, because I know I'm very good at that.

Recently I've realized just how much I've changed since jr. high. It's scary in a way, but I guess I find a lot of things in life scary. It's odd to think how I've been a different person for almost every year of high school / jr. high...and at least once during every year, I thought to myself 'I'm finally the person I want to be.' And I know I'm saying it to myself this year too.

But it's way too early in my life to think that I'm going to stay the same. People always say that life's too short, but life's not that short. 17 still leaves plenty of room for change. Does anybody really ever stop changing in their life?

But honestly, I love my friends so much. Looking bad to early jr. high, I wouldn't even trust one single person to certain information. And looking at myself now, I've let that same type of information out to at least three different people, in two days. And it's not like I'm uncomfortable with it. Usually when this many people know about something, I start worrying about how everybody knows. I know I was like that in grade 10. But now I don't even think about it. Is that a sign that I'm growing up? Or that I'm finally finding more friends that I know I can trust? Or both?

I love my life in general. I love the band room, and the sense of security it so easily brings. I love the people in the band room. I love Mr. Waters, who always makes you feel like an equal, even if on a musical scale we're all splotches of mud compared to him. I love Mr. Paddock, who has his own little inside jokes. I love our student teachers, both Mr. Wilson and Mr. Heffernan (sp?). It seems like they both started out so quiet when they first got here...and I know we brought Mr. Wilson out of his shell, as much as you can with a guy like Mr. Wilson. And I'm pretty sure we're getting to Mr. Heffernan. He's already talking more.

Speaking of him, he talked to me during my spare before he started teaching the grade 10s. He's so cool. And I like his conducting style, too. Quite easy to follow, which I appreciate with a conductor.

I love inside jokes, if nothing else, simply because for the longest time I was never accepted into inside jokes. And now suddenly I find I have at least one with almost everybody. It's great.

I don't like leaving people out of things, whether they be inside jokes, or just private message things. I don't like leaving people out, but, especially when it concerns somebody else, I don't exactly want to explain things in detail all the time. Especially when surrounded by multiple other people. I'm always afraid people think that I'm trying to keep them out of it when I do that, but it's not that.

Bed would probably be good soon. I'll write down some notes about the essay that I discussed with my dad. He's seriously going to save my life in social. I learned more from him tonight then I have in the past three weeks with Lopez. Of course, I also learned more about capitalism from one phrase from Harker than three weeks with Lopez, so I'm not sure if that's saying much. Seems like I can learn social faster anywhere other then with Lopez. Funny how that works out.

Darn, tomorrow's the day I have to miss most of English. That's sad. I like English class.

Bed now. Pray for me and the essay tomorrow, although I believe this time I actually kind of know what I'm talking about.

~Calminaiel~

"Misly and Mamba?"

Life is good

Okay, yeah, I was definitely over-thinking things last night. It was one of those moments where things just built up and pretty soon it felt like I had so many things in my head I was going to explode. Which I basically did. But I'm alright now, so that's good.

I love the way Chloe put it. When you're single, you either have a crush on nobody, or everybody. It's so true. And I'm most definitely the type to have a crush on everybody.

Anyways, I have to veer away from this topic soon, or I'll start being all thoughtful again and it'll just lead to something similar to what happened last night, and I can only have one of those episodes every once in a while. Too much, and it's not healthy.

But it is good to know I'm not the only one like this. =)

Not much else to say other then I'm really starting to wander away from signing up for online math. I mean, I got myself ready to do it, and I said I was going to, and then I went to do it...and then I started to find out how much work it takes to do it, and my resolution to just get it done started to leave...

I don't really want to go into more detail about that, because I know I'll just end up going in circles. It's stupid.

I definitely love writing notes. I think it's an awesome way to communicate. That's probably one of the reasons I like letters so much. And speaking of letters, I still have a few to write. But anyways...

I guess I really don't have that much to say tonight...

Nope, not right now. So I think I'm gonna get my french done so I can go to bed. I doubt we need anything done in social, and I hope we don't, because I don't plan on doing anything for social.

~Calminaiel~

"Adorable in a puppy dog way, or adorable in a more significant way?"

Stop the madness!

What is going on with me? I mean, seriously, it was just in my last couple of posts I believe where I said I was too busy to think, and that was all good.

And suddenly today I find myself thinking.

I guess it's not as bad as it possibly could be. But still, it's more than I'd like to be doing.

Second of all, why do I find myself suddenly attracted in some way to anybody who has a certain amount of ability with music? I mean, honestly, it's not even funny. Look at how many people I found myself doing this to over the day...but I'm going to mention no names, to save myself from embarrassment. If you can figure out who I'm talking about, good for you.

1) This one I really wish I didn't feel, because it totally makes things worse. I mean, this isn't helping my situation much. It's just that today when he was playing it was like...wow. And then a split second after that thought it was like, excuse me, don't even go there. I don't even want anything to happen. Blah, it's weird...

2) But this one is even more weird. I mean, I really hope nobody ever knows about this, especially him, because it's so weird. Not that it's a real crush or anything, he can just actually play his instrument (get your mind out of the gutter, seriously) and it's amazing. And I keep telling myself this is way too weird, and I have to seriously avoid these thoughts. But then why does part of me wonder if it's real? Ahh....

3) This one's pretty much the same as the last one. Also totally weird. Also kind of wondering if I might actually like him...no, I'm not even going to go there. I can't like him. It'd be way too weird. Moving on...

4) Now this one's not so bad, because I'm sure a lot of people thought this when they heard him. Well, maybe not a lot, but I know at least one other person kinda knows what I'm talking about. Still. It was just like...marry me. Right now.

5) This one is kinda maybe an actual crush...but I'm not sure, because I really don't talk to him enough...but still. He seems really nice. Stupid thinking...

6) And this one kinda started at the end of last year, just before summer started. So I'm still bouncing back and forth on this one. I don't know if I actually like him, or if I'm just kidding myself, or if I'm just getting really desperate...I don't even think he actually likes me like that anyways, so I shouldn't be worrying about it anyways...but why am I still wishing that maybe he does like me a little?

Blah! Look at that! 6 potential crushes?! Not healthy! Okay, take away one, because it's not really serious, and I know why I felt that way. Take away another, because I also know that's not serious, and I don't want anything to happen with him anyways. So now it's 4. Take away another two...and perhaps keep them in the maybe pile...just because it actually would be weird I think...although I can't say I'd turn it down if the chance came...So now that really only leaves 2. So I guess that makes me seem a little less pathetic/desperate.

Still. Kelskie told me not to think about this stuff or I'd just confuse myself. And here I am thinking about it and confusing myself!

Okay, moving on to a different topic now.

I hate it how everybody dislikes this one person so much, and I really don't mind them so much. Is that really a big deal? I don't dare even talk about them at all, for fear that I might say something positive about them and everybody else will shoot me down. I really hate it.

I don't even know if anybody reads this anymore besides Chloe. Oh well.

And I'm sure at some point during this year I actually am going to seriously take up that offer of just laying down somewhere and pouring out my whole series of life problems out to somebody. I mean, it's happened the last two years. Not that I'm saying it's a bad thing. I'm just giving a heads up.

Damn stupid thinking. It's not all bad I guess. But still. I could probably survive without it. Let's hope the weeks activities drive some of them out.

Hokay, off I go to do english homework. I think I actually want to get to bed at a half-decent time...although I will probably get the undesired sleep time of somewhere between 3 and 7 hours. I was honestly considering doing my plan of getting less sleep during the week so I'd be awake during the day. But I do enjoy sleep.

Anyways, english homework. Seriously. Wish me luck.

~Calminaiel~

"Don't insult my band council! I've dreamed of this for two years! They're my band council!"
"And you've been wanting to resign for the past three weeks!"

Oh, the things I'll never know

So, while reading the blogs of various people tonight, it surprised me how much might be happening to other people that I don't know about. Or that they may be doing things that I never thought they would do. And it's surprising to think that people might read my blog and realize the same thing.

Anyways, that was my most recent thought of the night.

I really need to do my French homework. Social too, but if worse comes to worse I can always do that in spare. I actually have to do a mini project for French, and I have it first, meaning I actually have to get it done tonight. Hopefully it'll turn out looking like I put a whole week's worth of energy into it, instead of just one night.

I meant to post last night, after the hockey game (which I went to :D), but it took so long to get through traffic and get home, that by the time I eventually did get back, I just kinda wanted to go to bed. It was a good hockey game, though. Although I really disliked the fact that the Flames fans in the crowd actually all started chanting 'Oilers suck' at one point. Now, I'm not going to like, I really don't like the Flames, and my dislike for them will only grow as the season continues. But still, I don't start chanting out insults to them at a game. Honestly.

Hopefully by the end of the week I'll be able to play again. That'll be nice. It's gotten really depressing to go to so many rehearsals and not be able to play. I think I'm going to start trying to play tomorrow. Just slowly. Like, I'll start sitting in rehearsals with my instrument (be it sax or bassoon), and maybe just play every once in a while. But I'll definitely stop if it hurts. I don't want to ruin my mouth by forcing myself to play before I'm really ready to.

Yes, I watched a slightly hopelessly-romantic movie tonight. Now I'm all full of romantic fantasy. Geez, I'm so pathetic. =P

I'm honestly not sure what else to say. I mean, I have stuff I could mention, but none of it really has a real point. And some of it I just don't really feel like mentioning, I guess.

I think it's good that I'm keeping busy right now. It gives me less time to think. Anybody who knows me knows that it's not always a good thing when I start thinking. And if you didn't know that, you know it now. So I know I may complain about it sometimes, and wonder why I decided to do so much, but maybe I really need it.

The one thing I am consistently complaining about is the fact that I actually have to do grade 12 before I can go to university. I mean, I've been at the university so much already this year, and I've hung out and talked with Mike, and Stephen, and a whole bunch of other university music students, and it sounds like they have soo much fun, and I'm so excited to go and join them!

But don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to grade 12. Despite how I always complain about the band drama, it does make like interesting, and while part of me dreads it, part of me almost looks forward to what's going to happen.

Hmm, seems like I'm pretty consistent in complaining about something, but liking it at the same time. It's almost safe to say that whenever you hear me complaining about something, you can assume that part of me enjoys whatever it is I'm complaining about.

Remember I said almost safe. So don't think that I actually enjoy some stupid useless player in some ensemble that I'm in just because I complain about them a lot.

And I also really need to have a good talk with Kelskie. It hit me a few days ago that I really haven't had a good talk with her since before summer. Sure, we've talked since then, and we've had brief good conversations, but overall, I do feel like we haven't really talked / hung out in a while. It makes me sad.

I love it when I start getting closer to friends. I mean, I just think it's so cool when you have a friend that you considered a pretty good friend, and you start to realize your becoming really good friends. I'm not sure if that made sense, but it does to me, and that's all that really matters.

I love how I say I don't really have anything else to say, and then I end up blabbing on a little more about nothing in general.

But that's what blogs are good for, right?

Okay, I really need to at least starting thinking about my French poems, so for now I guess I'm off, even though I know I'll end up taking so many homework breaks that I'll end up being up late. Oh well. Such is life.

You know, I really feel like I'd get more work done if my family went to bed earlier. It's not an excuse, and it sounds stupid, but it's true. I really never feel like actually starting homework until everybody else in my house is in bed. It's weird.

And how I do love the auto-save thing they have for these posts. I walked away from the computer for two seconds, my mom got on, and closed the window. But thanks to that, I don't have to retype everything! Yay.

What is with my family and closing every single one of my windows whenever I leave the computer for two seconds? Geez.

And now I really should end this before it gets any longer.

~Calminaiel~

"As much as I would love a night where the whole music program can just watch the music council make idiots of themselves..."