Wasting myself away...

I tried to post last night, but my blog didn't want to do it for me. So I'm here again tonight. The following post, I am writing exactly what I think, as I think it, and I will let you interpret as you will. If I can even find a place to start.

I don't know what to do anymore. My mood's changing every five minutes. The only time it's relatively stable is when I can forget about things. Whether I'm reading a book, playing music, or sitting in Physics class, it gets me away from...everything. My life in general. I can just ignore everything that's happening, and everything that has happened. And it's like a slap in the face when I have to come back. Eventually I have to put the book down. The piece ends. The bell rings. Whatever it is, it brings me back to earth. It's a reminder that I'm stuck in this place, and I can't move.

For the first time in my life, I'm dreading the one place I've never wanted to leave. Whether it's the morning, at lunch, or afterschool. For the first time, I don't want to go back to the band room. Everything that reminds me of everything that has, or is going wrong, is in there. I've always felt comfortable in the band room. I've always felt like I can be myself. Now, the only time I'm comfortable in there is when I'm alone. And I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been torn into to many pieces. By other people, and by myself. Who will I be when there's nothing left to tear apart?

I've always been happy to have the band room. It's always been my haven. I never minded that there was nowhere else to go, because I didn't need it. Now I almost regret that. I regret not trying to expand, trying to find other places that I can go and feel comfortable. Now I'm lost. That's why Physics is so nice. At first I was scared...I don't really know anybody else in the class, and in that class, I don't have anything that usually makes me who I am...mostly meaning friends, and music. I was afraid that I'd go back to how it was in jr. high...I would just be invisible. Just another girl who has no friends, and sits quietly working all class. I welcome that now. It's bliss. While I'm in there, it's like a fresh start. Nobody knows me. I don't know anybody. There's nothing in there to remind me of the rest of my life.

Math is the same. Not exactly I guess...I do have friends in that class. But at the same time, all it is is working the whole time. Numbers fill my head, not memories and images. I wish I could forget all the time.

When the bell rang afterschool today, I didn't feel the excitement I usually feel when there's rehearsal after school. Rather, I felt full of dread. I knew what waited for me there. I didn't want to have to go through that again. I know it only lasts until I get my bassoon and start playing. But even those moments feel like torture.

I've wasted myself away waiting for things to get better. I've reached the point where I've given up on things going back to the way they once were. I don't have the energy to try to make things better anymore. I just want to leave it all behind. I want to see new faces, ones that won't remind me of what I'm trying to forget. I feel like there's hardly anything left for me anymore. My friends are moving on without me, and all I can do is stand on the side and watch.

I've watched it happen. All the times that they've been able to be truely happy, and I can't make myself be happy. Everytime I sense that people don't understand why I can't just get over this. It's all another reminder that life is moving on without me. And I hate knowing that I'll go through it again tomorrow. And the day after that.

The things that keep me going are the tiny things that do go well. They way I can make people happy by doing things for them. The way I feel when I sit down and play with better tone then I ever have before. The way I feel when I can forget about it. Today during rehearsal our eyes kinda met for a second...and it actually made me feel good. Like maybe everything wasn't lost. But it dissapeared afterwards. When another reminder came.

That's how I think of those moments now. Reminders.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want to be alone in this, but at the same time, I don't want to have to talk about it anymore. It's not very comforting to have people say they know how it feels. Maybe they have had similar experiences or feelings. But I always find it hard to believe that they know exactly how I'm feeling. Talking about it is another reminder that I don't want, but it also feels nice to let it go. It all builds up inside me, and when I let it out, it feels good. Except this keeps coming back. I can't simply let it go.

Today was more painful than it really has been so far. I'm not ready for this. I want to leave it behind, but if I do that, I leave half of my friends behind as well. How do I move on without losing everything I have?

I can't completely start over.

I can't keep walking along the path I'm on now.

I don't know what to do.

~Calminaiel~

"Am I making my way to the top of the hill, or am I digging my own grave?"

Movies!

I love having movie nights with friends. Randall invited me to her place for a birthday dinner-movie night thing. There was also Yuki, Nicole, Adam, Elliot, and Stephanie. I have a feeling I've forgotten somebody...so I'm sorry...

Anyways, it was super fun. We watched John Tucker Must Die, which I liked, other then the fact that she started falling for the jerk, just because I hate it when that happens in movies, especially since there was a perfectly awesome guy (the jerk's brother) who was so nice, and it was so obvious he liked her and everything...anyways. It turned out alright which was good. If the jerk wasn't such a jerk, some of the things he did would have actually been quite sweet...it's too bad he was a jerk though. Darn.

Hey, I was actually so distracted with this post, I let my apple cider cool before trying to drink it, meaning for once in my life I didn't burn my tongue. Cool.

Back to the movie night, we also watched There's Something About Mary. Which was also a good movie, quite hilarious, although there were some parts that I really didn't feel the need to see. It also started some discussions, mostly between Adam and Yuki, that I really could have gone the rest of my life without hearing. So, I'm now scarred for life...as if I wasn't before.

Orchestra started today! I'm quite happy. I love our new pieces. The Beethoven (7th Symphony) is cool, even though it kinda just keeps going and going and going...but, at the same time, there are little parts where suddenly the whole orchestra is quite, and I'm like...'oh, would you look at that...I'm the only one playing...' And those moments are very fun.

The Dvorak (New World Symphony in e minor) is great. I love it so much. It's also got little moments where it's really only me, even if most of them are marked. It's also just really fun to play. I'll have to practice, naturally, but it's fun. The slow movement I swear I've heard before, seeing as I can remember singing/whistling it. I just don't know where I would have heard it. I think I'll ask Andrea, seeing as we've heard most of the same stuff. I think. Anyways.

I made a bracelet for Randall. I meant to take a picture of it before I left so I could post it here, but I finished it pretty much just in time to leave. It was blue, green and purple/marroon/burgandy. I don't really know how to describe that last colour. I also told her I'd make her a zig-zag one that's pink, aqua, and black. So I'll have to get on that before I get to busy. But I also have to practice tomorrow (of course) and finish my arrangement so we can play it in rehearsal tomorrow, as long as the rest of my wind quintet doesn't mind being experimental hamsters for a few minutes.

Speaking of cameras, my mom says that dad's thinking of getting a new camera, which makes me super excited because I really don't like the one we have right now. I want a smaller one. And a better memory card, actually.

~Calminaiel~

"I can tell the future...if you ever hear me whistling a song you don't recognize...you know that's the next song we'll be playing in band."

Weee!

Don't ask about the title. I was just about to consider it when that came into my head. I took it as a sign. That's really all there is to it.

Anyways, I was going to keep updating my blog. I got the new version, and, in case you hadn't noticed, now you can put more stuff on the side bar. Except I did that last night, and ended up not posting at all. So I figure I'd better post first, then worry about putting more stuff on it. I'm sorry Christine, but, truth be told, I'm probably going to take a lot of your ideas for your sidebar and apply them to mine. Because your blog is just that cool and I hope to be at least a tiny fraction as cool as you are. If that made any sense at all.

So, Radium was so fun. I loved it so much, and I wish we could have stayed there longer. I really hope we do something like that again. The guys did all the cooking, which was fine with me. It meant I could just relax and then come when they said food was ready. =) The first night was actually quite funny, seeing as we were having hamburgers, and apparently grilling hamburgers is a 'manly' job. At one point all the guys were outside grilling hamburgers. So all the girls just stayed inside and ate. =)

We also went sledding, which was super fun. What ever happened to the days where, once you got wet, the whole sledding trip was ruined? Geez, we pretty much went out there with the intention to get wet. Well, I dunno about anybody else, but I was, just because I knew it would happen. So my jeans got about 10 pounds heavier by the end, and my shoes were also about 5 pounds heavier, and didn't even dry until I got home.

Good times. I would tell more stories, but...well, I'm not in the mood to concentrate on more stories. When one comes into my head, I'll put it here, but whatever.

I also feel like within the span of two hours last night I totally became a different person. It was actually a really weird feeling. Or rather, it still is. Looking back, I've realized I've kinda been different since Radium, but something really hit me last night that totally turned me around. I hope it's for the better. I'm pretty sure it is...but whatever. I guess we'll see.

So, I might possibly do new stuff to my blog...or work on my arrangement, because I really want to finish it for Monday. I also just remembered I have orchestra tomorrow. Which is great, I love orchestra, especially since we're playing Beethoven, and he loves his bassoons. But at the same time, it also means I have to get up early. Yay. Oh well. Such is life.

~Calminaiel~

"Me...no clothes!"

Math exam - 7 books

Yay, I'm done math...until school starts again, since I'm taking Math 30. Why, I have yet to figure out, but, whatever. At least I have Randall with me. We can suffer together.

I'm kinda worried about this math exam, because I thought the multiple choice was fairly easy. Like, not super easy, but not really that hard. But everybody else was saying how hard that test was...so either I completely screwed up, or I'm super amazing. I'd like it to be that I'm super amazing, but I'm not counting on it. The written part was harder...mainly because, halfway through the test, I realized I didn't have a clue how to figure anything out without my calculator. So, that was an interesting part of the test.

I'm so excited to go to Radium. Of course, that means that I won't be able to post until Thursday night...unless I'm too tired on Thursday, in which case it'll be until Friday night.

Not much else to say. Going back to school for the exam today made me realize how much I really love being with friends. I was so excited just to see people (it wasn't even everybody), it was kinda crazy. So I'm really looking forward to spending a whole couple days with just us.

So...I think it's time to end this post. I have some arranging to do. Ooh, but I found this on Amy's blog, so I decided to do it, even though I have't read nearly as many as she has.

Mark the selections you have read in bold. If you liked it, add a star [*] in front of the title, if you didn't, give it a minus [-]. Then, put the total number of books you've read in the subject line.

The Chronicles of Prydain - Alexander, Lloyd
Carrie's War - Bawden, Nina
Death of a Ghost - Butler, Charles
Ender's Game - Card, Orson Scott
Summerland - Chabon, Michael
King of Shadows - Cooper, Susan
The Dark is Rising sequence - Cooper, Susan
Stonestruck - Cresswell, Helen
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Dahl, Roald (We have it, but I haven't read it yet. I've seen most of the movie, though)
Matilda - Dahl, Roald (I recognize the title, and I think I attempted to read it once. Can't remember)
Ingo - Dunmore, Helen
The Sea of Trolls - Farmer, Nancy
Madame Doubtfire - Fine, Anne
Corbenic - Fisher, Catherine
*Inkheart - Funke, Cornelia
*The Thief Lord - Funke, Cornelia
The Owl Service - Garner, Alan
Happy Kid! - Gauthier, Gail
Stormbreaker - Horowitz, Anthony
Whale Rider - Ihimaera, Witi
Finn Family Moomintroll - Jansson, Tove
Fire and Hemlock - Jones, Diana Wynne
The Phantom Tollbooth - Juster, Norton
The Sheep Pig - King Smith, Dick
Stig of the Dump - King, Clive
A Wizard of Earthsea - Le Guin, Ursula
*The Voyage of the Dawn Treader - Lewis, C S
Gardens - Lively, Penelope
Goodnight Mister Tom - Magorian, Michelle
The Changeover - Mahy, Margaret
The Stones are Hatching - McCaughrean, Geraldine
The White Darkness - McCaughrean, Geraldine
Beauty - McKinley, Robin
Sabriel - Nix, Garth
The Borrowers - Norton, Mary (I think I watched a movie by that title...not sure if it was based on the book...that was quite a few years ago)
*Mrs Frisby and the Rats of NIMH - O'Brien, Robert (I kinda remember that from elementary...can't really remembered how it ended, though I'm sure I liked it...I should read it again...)
Z for Zachariah - O'Brien, Robert
A Dog So Small - Pearce, Philippa
Life As We Knew It - Pfeffer, Susan Beth
A Hat Full of Sky - Pratchett, Terry
His Dark Materials sequence - Pullman, Philip
How I Live Now - Rosoff, Meg
*Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Rowling, J K
Holes - Sachar, Louis
The Foreshadowing - Sedgwick, Marcus
Marianne Dreams - Storr, Catherine
When the Siren Wailed - Streatfield, Noel
The Bartimaeus Trilogy - Stroud, Jonathan
***The Hobbit - Tolkien, J R R (and the Annotated one)
*Charlotte's Web - White, E B

Hm...it doesn't seem like there's a lot of books that I don't like. Well, that's not true, seeing as there's only 7 books there that I've read. I have no idea if that last sentance made any sense, so I think it's better for me to go before I start talking more nonsense...

By the way, concerning the new relationship in the grade 11 band...does anybody else think that's a serious case of 'opposites attracts?' It's going to take a while for me to get used to that sight, I think.

~Calminaiel~

"Ooh, mini muffins!"

Musical Audition

My brother had an audition for a musical today. Oliver Twist. I think he did pretty well. He sang 'Consider Yourself', and I accompanied him on piano. Not well, since I'm not exactly a great piano, but enough to get by. I was just reading from a fake book anyways, so I made it simple, so I could actually play it. Once he got into it, he did pretty well. I'm pretty sure he'll get in, everybody seemed to like his performance. I was pretty proud of him. Not that he's allowed to know that. As far as he knows, I think he's crazy whenever he does something like that.

Other then that, nothing's really happening. I've just relaxed at home before school starts again. Me and Graham started another game of Monopoly. We didn't finish it, so we saved it for later. I'm not doing so well on this game. He got Boardwalk and Parkplace this time. I barely have any properties...well, compared to the rest of the players in the game. Graham saves me a lot of the time, because usually I can scrounge up just enough money when I land on a couple houses or hotels, and then I just give him a mortgaged property for, like 500$ or something. So, he's pretty much keeping me alive. He even saved me when I landed on his property with a hotel. I just gave him a mortgaged property and he gave me all the money I needed to pay him, so then I didn't have to go bankrupt.

Radium's in two days. I'm very excited, I think it'll be a lot of fun. I think I'll bake cookies tomorrow before the exam. I should also review for the exam. Hm...I don't feel like doing anything tonight, I'm quite lazy. I don't even feel like working on my arrangement, really. So I'll probably review while baking cookies. Ooh, and listening to Mozart. Nothing cheers you up like baking cookies while listening to Mozart. Try it, it works.

~Calminaiel~

"Um...what head chopping plans?"

Thoughts of the past

I didn't have such a good day today. I made a reed, which was good, even though I'm almost postive that it's going to leak, so I'm not putting too much hope into that reed. I also didn't practice, which really wasn't a good idea. Practicing might have made me feel better.

Anyways, I cleaned my room today, which wasn't too bad, until I found some old letters and I made the mistake of thinking I could read them without it affecting my mood. I was wrong. So then I found some old notes that I read, that made me feel better, until I stepped back into realiy and remembered that things have changed since I wrote those notes.

So, after that, I pretty much spent the whole day wondering when I'll be able to put the past behind me and just move on. I feel like I've been stuck in one place for the past couple months, and I'm not able to move forward, and all I want to do is spend my time wishing that things didn't have to change. I had so much fun back in those days, and now everything's different. I don't want everything to be different. I've been trying to make things better, but it's not working. I've just been shoved off to the side. I feel like I'm watching everybody else move ahead in life, and I'm stuck in one spot, and I will be for the rest of my life if I don't get over this. But I don't know how.

I'm not sure what else to say about this. All day I've just kept thinking about things that have happened, knowing that it's mostly my fault things started going downhill, and wondering what would have happened if I had done things differently. I haven't had this many regrets in so long. I hate having regrets. I've always hated thinking about regrets, and wishing things had gone differently, because I know that I can't do anything to change them. And for so long I was able to think that way, just reminding myself that there's nothing I can do about it now, and moving on. But now I'm stuck, and something's holding me back. Maybe it's my stupid emotions, and maybe it's something else. I don't know anymore. But I'm sick of it, and I don't know what to do with it.

Being with friends helps a lot. I know that much. This always happens to me during breaks, whether they be winter break, summer break, exam break, anything. Anytime that I don't see my friends for a couple days seems to force me into some sort of depressing period. Friends help me forget about things like this. So, I know that's half the reason I feel like this right now. It's just because I haven't seen my friends in a while. I think the Radium trip will help. Maybe for three full days I won't have to think about it at all, and I can just laugh with my friends the whole time. If I don't think about it, it can't get me depressed, right?

I really should have practiced today. Well, at least All Cities is tomorrow. Since I don't have lessons tomorrow, I might practice before, and get that section in Molly On the Shore up to speed. That would be good. And I must not forget to talk to Corey about Colorado.

I don't really feel like going to bed right now. Maybe I'll listen to some music...that always helps my mood. And I might play some computer games. Ooh, if I'm really in the mood (and really prepared to stay up) maybe I'll play Monopoly. We got it for Mac at Christmas. I played a game with my brother and four computers this afternoon. I won, but that's really only because I got Boardwalk and Parkplace early on in the game. Ha, I wonder how Josh would react to playing Monopoly on the computer...then he can't cheat...

Then again, I also can't cheat, and I would have lost that game a lot sooner if Alistair hadn't helped me cheat a couple times...

~Calminaiel~

"I like franglais...it works better somehow..."

Social exam

Yay, social's actually done! No more for a whole year! Of course, this means I'm now making my way into my crazy-semester...Math 30, Physics 20, and French 20. Oh, and I guess English 20 too, even though that's only every other day because it switches with band. But still. Fun stuff.

So, I forgot my I.D. for my exam. You need that, because, you know, somebody might just want to come and take my exam for me. There's lots of those types around....that was dripping with sarcasme, by the way. So I went to Lopez, and he wrote a note saying I am who I say I am. Luckily I had a nice exam supervisor who just laughed and told me good job. I have a feeling with a more strict teacher the results might have had to be a little more complicated. But whatever. It worked out.

I just remembered I have to type up my reed making notes...which means I'm going to cut this post short, since I really need to do that so I actually start making reeds. Especially since I just discovered my reed that I'm currently using is leaking...not good.

So, I think I'm gonna go, because I'm not going to be able to make any sense here if all I'm thinking about are reed making notes.

Hehe, I'm chatting with Paul about good times in Colorado. I need to find out of Corey's actually serious about going, because if he is, I'm thinking I kinda want to go with him. Because going to Colorado with Corey really would be fun. Can't forget to ask him about that...I also need to send Agopian's e-mail to Alistair, in case he really does want to join CYO...

~Calminaiel~

"Are you brave enough to climb the tree?"

Geez Randall...

She's a good influence on me. My social exam's tomorrow, and I was kinda worrying about it, but not too much. Then she talks to me on msn, and gets me really worried about me, and then guilts me into studying. So, Randall, you're too much of a good influence on me. I'm not sure whether to smack you, or hug you for that. So I'll go with neither, and just hoping that what I reviewed tonight actually comes in handy tomorrow. And that I actually remember it.

I'm sorry, but I'm really too lazy to do a Spain story tonight. And I should actually try to get some sleep for tomorrow. On the bright side, me and Alicia had fun playing duets today. Even though they were technique duets, and our teacher made us feel kinda stupid at some points when we couldn't do something, or we did it wrong, or something. But still, it was fun. I love technique classes.

My prayers were answered, I had a very good practice day. It's too bad I had to stop earlier then I would have liked to go to Mount Royal for chamber, but it was still very good. I hope it lasts at least the two weeks I have off for exams. Or rather, the week and a half, seeing as I'm going to Radium with people the last half of the last week.

Speaking of Radium, I still have to clean the house and fill out NYB forms. I should do that sometime. Probably sometime before Saturday, or I'll never get it done. Hm...I'll figure that out later. Right now I'm just thinking about going to bed. And the exam tomorrow. I hope the band room is open...that's where I usually leave all my stuff during exams. It should be...

Anyways...I also have to write down all the music I need to order, and borrow from the library. Geez, I feel like I have a lot of stuff to do. But Matt sent me some bassoon music tonight, so that was awesome.

So...I really want to go read my book now, since it's awesome. And if I don't go now, then I'll either be up really late reading it, or I'll be too tired to read it, which will be disappointing.

~Calminaiel~

"Well, if reminding myself that I have a social exam tomorrow counts as studying..."

I love sleep

I've slept for 12 hours the last two nights. I love it so much. I woke up at 1:00 in the afternoon today, which I haven't done in a while. It was actually quite a surprise for me when I rolled over and looked at the clock. But it was also a pleasant surprise, because sleep is healthy, and I haven't had a lot of it in the past week. So that's good.

So, that's why I haven't posted for a while. I've been way too tired, so I've actually gone to bed fairly early, and I've woken up late.

Other then that there's not really much to say. I'm enjoying my time off school. I haven't done much yet, but eventually I'll have to clean up the area around the piano, and clean my room, or my mom says I'm not allowed to go to Radium. I'm thinking I'll do that when I have the house to myself, because then I can put on music while I do it. I just have to make sure I don't get too caught up with playing piano, since I'm really looking forward to having time to do that.

Speaking of piano, Rae wrote a song, and she let my try to harmonize it / write a piano part for it. It's really fun. I ordered Sibelius, so I want to write it on there, too. I told her not to hesitate to tell me if she doesn't like anything, since this is her song. I don't want her to keep anything she doesn't like just because she doesn't want to tell me she doesn't like it.

I've gotten really far on Golden Sun, since I've been playing video games a lot these past two days. But now I'm at a part where you have to do a lot of sneaking around without being spotted by the guards, and I'm never good at those parts. I'm also not patient enough for it, so I'm considering just skipping that part. Technically I don't think I have to do it, even though Graham told me it helps a lot.

I played Super Smash Bros. Melee with Graham and his friend Sarah the other day. I only one, like, 3 times. All the others I came in second. It's really disgraceful, I was very disappointed with myself. I should work on that this week...

I e-mailed Alicia, inviting her to technique class tomorrow. I really hope she comes, because Francesca said we could play duets if she does. Speaking of technique class, I have to be sure I practice before that, because I know I won't practice after. I also have to organize my chamber music, since it's pretty much a disaster right now.

I really hope I have a good practice sometime from now to my next lesson. My practices have all been so-so, and my tone totally goes out the window somewhere between my warm-ups and the first song I do. So...not good. My reed might be part of the problem, although I don't want to blame it on that. I really need to start working on more reeds. Francesca's getting fed up with selling me more reeds, and she says I should be working on my own by now. So...I should start doing that, because if I don't have functional reeds, I'm in trouble.

Alright, I guess it's time for a Spain story. As a side note, I found out if you click on the pictures, they get bigger. Who knew? Anyways...

We went to Toledo after Madrid. I love Toledo. It's so adorable. When we were just driving in there was this neat castle. I honestly can't remember how far it dates back to, but it's very old. I really liked it, even though we just saw it from the road. I'm not even sure if I had my glasses on, although I think I did.



The busses stopped so we could get out and have this awesome view of Toledo. Apparently it's a really famous view, painters use it a lot and stuff. I love how, from that point, you pretty much can't see any roads. Not that the roads are big, they're teeny. The biggest one can't really fit more then our tour bus. Anyways, from there you can see the cathedral, which is the big tower on the left. Um...I'm not sure I can really tell you anything else about that. The cathedral's really the only part that I recognize. I know one of my CYO buddies are probably going to read this and slap me for missing something obvious or something, but I'll let them do that.



Then of course, we had to get pictures of everybody in front of Toledo. Here's the two clarinet boys, and some violin guy. After that, there's the Cox family...minus Sebastian.





So, after that, we went to some cool factories where they make swords. Well, and other things, but we were all interested in the swords. Apparently the water in Toledo has special minerals, so when they dip the swords into them then it makes them very flexible, so they bend more, but don't break. Or something like that. It was pretty cool.



After we saw that, we got to go down to the store and actually buy swords. =) Which I did. I'll get a picture of mine and post it here, but until then, here's one of the displays they had set up. I think they had at least three others like this one.



During our tour of Toledo we saw building...such as this one...sorry I don't have a better story for this picture...



And, in my opinion one of the highlights of Toledo, we got to have a tour of the cathedral. I love it, it's so pretty. Here's a shot from the outside...I believe these are the front gates of the cathedral, which aren't actually used except for very special occasions. There's also the same shot with the guys...um...being guys...





I believe we saw four organs in that cathedral. Here's one of them. As of right now, that's the only picture I have of the inside of the cathedral, and I really hope I get more, because it was so neat.



Here's another view of Toledo, that's apparently kindas famous. The bridge, anyways. I think we saw a couple more shots of the bridge that were better then that, but here's one until I get a better picture. I also liked the view of the cactuses...mainly I think because I don't usually see cactuses outside of the zoo...=)...Or cacti, whatever...



We played a Mozart piano concerto in Toledo with a guest soloist, which was cool, I guess. I wasn't playing in the Mozart, so. However, I did accomplish something while they were rehearsing. I found out I was able to sit in one of the chairs in the audience, and fall asleep without dropping my bassoon. I normally wouldn't have tried that while completely conscious, but I was quite tired, and I had my bassoon in a fairly secure position...my ankle was hooked around the bottom of it so it wouldn't slip, it was between my knees, and my hands were there for extra support...or rather, one of my hands were. I was sleeping on the other one. Besides, Alicia was beside me, and I figured that if my bassoon was falling and I wasn't doing anything about it, she would. At least, I hope she would. =) By the way, she just e-mailed me and said she's coming to technique class tomorrow. I'm excited. Duets!



Oh, during that rehearsal (not during the Mozart, so I was there for this part), Agopian wanted to go to the back to see what it sounded like from there, so he handed the baton to our concert master and she started to conduct while he was gone. I don't know about anybody else, but I thought that was hilarious. But I think a lot of stupid little things are hilarious.



And, finally, here's a shot of one of the clarinet guys (Jasmine's brother...I can never remember his name) with a sword. They were in practically every shop, so it's not like they were hard to find.



So there's my tour of Toledo in a nutshell. I'll get more pictures of that place, because I love Toldeo. At least, I hope I'll get more pictures. I love Toledo...have I mentioned? =)

Now I'll face the decision of staying up, or going to bed...everybody else has gone to bed, but I don't have to get up tomorrow or anything...but I also have nothing I have to do on the computer, and nobody's really talking to me. Meh. maybe I'll stay up a little longer, listen to music, play games, all that good stuff, then go to bed. =)

~Calminaiel~

"I want a Forrest Gump..."

Yet again, Delaying homework

That seems to be what I do best. I really do want to get some english done tonight, especially as I feel like I'll be able to concentrate. Might as well take advantage of that. Hopefully I'll be able to get at least two stories done tonight. Maybe three if I can. Well, actually I want to get as much done as I can, without staying up until three in the morning.

I feel better today. I think sleep helped. My nose is still against me, but my throat seems slightly better. Taking lots of Vitamin C, although I wished we had better flavors. Right now we have grapefruit and some other tropical thing. Once we got strawberry kiwi, which was so good. I don't mind orange. Alicia had raspberry in Spain, which I also liked.

I actually packed a lunch today. I should do that more often, it's nice to eat lunch. It just consisted of a couple cookies, a banana, and a juice box, but it was still good. And simple.

Hm...I have to talk to Randall about the social essay...I'm not looking forward to that essay. Although I did just talk to my dad and he helped me come up with two fairly good points. We got a third one too, but it's not very strong. Hm...so much for getting a lot of english done, I've just spent a bunch of time on this social.

Alright, time for a Spain story.



This is us in Madrid, the first city we were in. We had a tour of the Palace there, and this is us in the sort of courtyard - like area of the palace.

And, of course, that picture leads us to introductions. So, I'm about third from the right, in my band hoodie (you can see the orange Abe logo in the corner), and I'm trying to sheild my eyes from the sun, since I squint really easily in the sun. Christine's right beside me, with her sunglasses, and half in my shadow (sorry Christine. =)...). Liz is beside Christine, looking beautiful, as she always does. Tiger's in front of Liz. James is totally in Liz's shadow, if you can pick him out. Colin's the weird guy on the far right. =) Just kidding. Colin's funny. Joanna's on the far left. She knew Spanish, and kinda helped us get through some of our town trips. Alicia's leaning against Joanna, and Jasmine's beside Alicia. Jasmine's brother (who I just found out was her brother during the trip) is behind Jasmine. Bill's the guy in the red coat...pretty much front and centre. He got his cleaning rag stuck in his clarinet, but I'll tell that story another time. Eve's beside Liz, in the pink jacket, with her viola boyfriend. John's beside Bill. Oh yeah, and Jer's beside Tiger.

So...I think that's just about everybody I know in that picture. Everybody I can make out, anyways. So, now when you're in doubt, you can refer to this picture. =)

Anyways, the palace was really neat. The ceiling's were so neat, they were pretty much the first thing's you looked at when you walked into the room.



There were also chadaliers in every room, which were neat. Some of them were made of silver/metal rather then completely diamond/glass and stuff, but this one's rather nice.



They also had really old instruments and stuff. The guide probably said more about them, but I wasn't paying much attention, I was looking at the instruments. And looking for the bassoon, which they didn't have. That was quite dissapointing. But, such is life. Bassoons are too cool for Madrid anyways. There were lots of strings, a guitar or two, and a couple harps.



So, when we left the Palace, there were these two buskers outside, which, being music geeks, we loved. So we clapped for them and took their picture...of course. =)



So there's our tour of Madrid Palace in a nutshell. I'm sure to get more pictures, right now I'm just using the pictures that I have from Bill (a chaperone) that he posted online. I still have to get Alicia's, Jasmine's, Christine's, etc. I think people are talking about getting a website thing where we can share all our pictures. So that'll be cool.

Well, that's a pretty long post for one night. Or rather, the pictures make it look long. Anyways, I need to get english homework done, because I'm already in trouble, and from the looks of things, I should start getting ready for a long night tomorrow if I intend to get a good mark on this.

~Calminaiel~

"When I'm in the best music university in the world, and you're still at Aberhart, you'll be saying, 'oh, if only I'd worked on my ear training!'"

Brain Virus

I swear, being sick just goes right to my head and I can't concentrate on anything. I couldn't even write a melody in theory today. I got the first 5 notes (or rather, he gave us the first 3, and I made the next 2) and suddenly I just blanked out and had no clue where to go from there. In math I have expected myself to start drooling, and I totally didn't follow him when he did some revision about circles. Social was slightly better, mostly because I have Nicole, Randall, and my iPod, plus the fact that I never really understand what's going on in social anyways. English was mostly the same as math. I sat there and couldn't make myself concentrate on stories. It's pretty much the same right now. I've spent the last half hour thinking about getting homework done, yet I haven't done anything, since I know I'll just pull it out and stare at it. I'm thinking the best option right now is just to go to bed. I might (hopefully) wake up feeling better. I can't afford to be sick, I was going to use exam weeks to practice like I've never practiced before. And make a bunch of reeds.

Geez, I feel like I've been crying half the day just because when I sneeze (or when I feel like I have to sneeze) my eyes water, so today my eyes were watering so much I might as well have been crying.

Yeah, I really need sleep. Although I'd like it if I could actually breathe through my nose, but I guess you can't ask for everything in life.

Oh yeah, Kelskie wanted Spain stories. I wrote a little blurb about our drive through Portugal, but that wasn't really the type of thing other people would want to read, I think. I just kinda wrote down random thoughts, and handed it in for English as a writer's workshop thing.

So, I got some pictures from Spain, but since I'm sick, and therefore lazy and unable to think, I'll just do one that really has very little to do with Spain...but I like the picture.



This is in Granada, at the Alhombra. There were a bunch of wild kitties running around, and they were all very adorable. I wanted to take that little one home. Customs wouldn't have noticed him, would they? He's tiny enough...

~Calminaiel~

"Mmm...drugs..."

Returning to Earth

So, I realized today that yeah, I had a very nice time in Spain, and a very nice couple of recovery days, where I could just relax during the day, and relax before bed, etc, but now I have this one week of school left before exam break, and I still have calm to finish, english to finish, and social to finish.

I got an iPod for christmas. I might have already said that, but whatever. I named her Calminaiel, even though that's my blog name, but whatever. It suits her. I still have a bunch of music to put on it, but that will probably wait until after this week, as will a lot of things.

How is it that one minute, I can be so optimistic, and I think everything's alright, and then in just half a second, I can go to over thinking things, and generally, not being happy? I'm getting really sick of it. Half the reason it happens as much as it does is probably because at home, when I'm alone, I'm all optimistic, and I believe everything's good and stuff, and then when I actually leave my room, and step out into the real world, everything isn't exactly as I wanted / imagined it to be. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to be pessimistic, because maybe then I wouldn't be as dissapointed all the time. But I really don't have it in me to be pessimistic. At least, not all the time. I have my moments, but in general, it's more fun being optimistic, while it lasts.

There's my shpeal for the night. I dunno if I should just ignore this so it won't bring me down, or try to deal with it. Meh...

Well, it's now 10:00, and I really need to get at least one element of homework done. So, maybe you should start praying that I make it through the week.

~Calminaiel~

"I've decided that you're too young to be seventeen."

Home again =)

Ah, it feels good to be home again. Spain was soo much fun, but it's still good to be home. I can't wait to see everybody again. I have so many stories from Spain, but I don't feel like sharing all of them now. I'd just go on forever, and I've already been talking a lot about it to my parents, so I feel like just calming down for now.

I don't really feel like saying anything else right now. I just felt bad for not posting, so I figured I'd drop a quick note to say I got home safely. I suppose I should reply to some of my e-mails....but, sorry guys, there's always tomorrow. I love you dearly, but I love sleep too.

I'll probably stay on to chat a little longer, but otherwise, I think I'll be off the computer pretty soon. Too tired.

~Calminaiel~

"Jasmine...they have bread..."