Sunday, October 28, 2007

My purpose in life

So, I really do believe that the main purpose in my life is to be there for my friends. I always say it. And I really do think it's true.

Now, the only problem with that is I don't think I'm always very good at being there. Yeah, I might be there, but do I give good advice? Do I actually help them out at all, other than just being there? Sometimes I'm not so sure, which makes me feel really stupid when I keep repeating that I'm always there for them, and that's why I'm on earth.

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better at helping friends. That makes me feel better about the whole thing.

And, once again, I've also been reflecting on my life. Whether that's good or not, I'm honestly not sure, but that never really keeps me from doing it, right?

I've been thinking about how it's odd how I finally started really opening up to others. In movies and books and stuff, people always start opening up after they find somebody, a friend, or a significant other or something, who helps them open up to the world a little more.

Now, I know I shouldn't be comparing life to books and movies, but whatever. I like comparing things, because it makes reflecting easier. Or something like that.

But it real life, it really wasn't like that for me. I mean, sure, in grade 9 I found one of my best friends ever who really helped me out. And even finding him in grade 10 also did wonders for me.

But really, it wasn't until things ended that I actually started opening up, which is weird. Again, in moves and stuff usually after being heart-broken, they always find it so difficult to open up to people again.

I still find that concept slightly odd. It's like, throughout elementary and jr. high I was totally shy, and basically didn't speak unless I was spoken to. I had a certain image in my mind that I wanted to become, and a certain way I thought I should be, and how other people should see me.

In grade 10 we ran into each other, and I opened up just a little bit more, and started to be just a little more outgoing, although not much. The image I felt I had to project for myself vanished, and I was looking at the world through completely optimistic eyes. Of course I had my moments, but for the most part, I look back at grade 10 and think that so far, that's been the happiest year of my life.

That summer I started thinking. To be honest, I can't actually say exactly what happened that summer. Colorado made things hard. Red Deer made things a little bit harder. And I guess after that I just assumed things would go as smoothly as they did over the school year. But I didn't think that I'd have to put more effort into things.

Grade 11. I made myself blind that year. Things were going wrong right in front of my face and I ignored them completely. We blind ourselves to things we don't want to see, right? There were signs all over the place. I was told it right to my face. And still I did nothing.

And then, it ended. At the time it seemed like it happened so suddenly, but looking back, I know I should have seen it coming. Even worse, I know I should have done something about it, but I didn't.

After that, I wanted to promise myself I'd show how much it meant to me. I don't even know how long I went on like this, but for quite a while I didn't allow myself to smile, except for maybe a weak one just to humour people. I didn't even play music with any emotion, although that passed in a couple days, since music was really all I had to hold on to at that point. I stopped eating, except when I was in front of my parents, since I didn't want them asking about it.

The rest of the story is plain to see in my blogs around that point in time. All about feeling like a wall. Everything in there explains it, and I don't think I really want to go through it again right now.

But really, I hit a point where I just felt like I had to go on. And to be honest, most of it was because of a random comment on one of my past blogs. I have two people in mind who might have said it, but I'm not sure which one. I'd really like to know, but I'm not sure if I'll ever actually ask one of them if they did it. Maybe it's best to let it go, even if I do really really want to know.

At some point during my past reflecting, I also realized that the problem back then was that I didn't open up to people. And since then I've been so much more relaxed when it comes to opening up. Sure, maybe not all the time, but I'm sure better then I used to be. My favorite quote concerning this: Experience is the hardest teacher, for it gives the test first and the lesson afterwards. It's so true.

Another thought hit me. I just couldn't keep up. There's the type of people who change very quickly, and I'm not that type. Not really, anyways. I just couldn't keep up with the change. I'd like to think that I would have caught up eventually, but I can't be sure of that.

I guess there's just some things you can't wait for. Sure, I was told that I'd always have somebody waiting for me, but they never think of things like this when they say that, do they?

Don't think that I've having another relapse. I'm not, really. I'm just reflecting. I'll admit a little bit of regret comes with the reflecting, but that's only if I do it for a long time. Usually the regret is a minimum, and it's not like I dwell over this stuff during the day. It's just during the quiet hours of the night where my mind wanders. It will move on eventually, I promise. But like I said, I change at my own pace, which isn't exactly fast.

Wounds heal. Scars don't. Do I have a wound or a scar? I don't know yet. It's too early to tell. I think it's a wound. It's just one that will stay sore for a while.

Whenever I think about things like this, it makes me a little nervous to thinking about starting something again. I don't want to go through this cycle again.

But that thought will grow into an entire discussion within itself, so maybe I'll leave that for another blog post, as this one is already rather long. Congrats if you've actually made it this far.

I think that's enough reflecting for one night. Both my parents have bugged me about going to bed. I hate it when they do that. I'm 17. I know what I'm doing. And I'm not dead yet, so I must be doing something in life right. =P

As a side note, don't think that all my reflecting is leaving me in stupid moods all the time. There really are times when I feel I could just fly. And sometimes it's for no particular reason whatsoever. I love it.

I love dreaming. I can't say why. Some dreams are hilarious, some are scary, others make you think. I just love them in general. It's too bad I'm always so tired over the school year that my sleep is so light, I either don't dream, or I'm so exhausted I don't remember dreams. It makes me sad.

Now I'd better leave you. Just remember that a good talk and a Slurpee can solve a lot of things.

Of course, there are many things that can solve problems in life. But tonight, I think that's a good one. Maybe I should start saying daily things that help in life...but then I'd start thinking about it too much. I'll just let them come as they wish, and then pass it on to the world.

At least, to the part of the world that reads my blog. Which consists of perhaps two people. Oh well. One can hope that word gets around, right?


"Me and numbers are far from being on friendly terms. It's like having a bad ex I didn't even date."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


It's weird to think that everybody in the world has something that everybody else doesn't know about them.

I'll be reading somebody's blog, and suddenly I'll think 'wow, there is a whole other level to this person.'

I know people who I think put themselves right out to the world, and aren't afraid to hide anything, and then somehow I'll find out that even they have things that they don't share.

Sometimes I feel like I just reflect upon other people's thoughts, and I never really have original thoughts of my own.

It's understandable, kinda. I live off other people. Despite the fact that I'm kinda antisocial in the morning, I love being with friends.

For the record, these are all random thoughts. I have no interest currently in following a specific thought pattern. Or line. Or anything.

I want to go busking. Really. It'd be fun, I think, and at least a way to make some spare change every now and then. Stupid city of Calgary doesn't like to show where / how to get busking permits, so that's useful.

If I'm not doing anything productive, I should actually go to bed kinda early for once.

And finish writing a letter.

I wish we talked more. Sometimes I want something so desperately that it's really not even funny. Sometimes when I take a step back, I wonder if I really want to jump into something again if it really does take so much work to hold it together.

It shouldn't take work. If it takes work, it's not right. It's not worth it.

That's a lie. I know it is.

In response to the last post: Impulse.


"You were thinking about how he'd look in a bathing suit, weren't you?"

Monday, October 22, 2007

Crossing the line

I definitely have a very thin line between 'hinting I like a guy' and 'being annoying'. How do I know when I've crossed that line? Blah.

That's really the main thing I have to say. But since I've started a post, I might as well throw some other stuff in here too.

Why can't my feelings and thoughts just stay the same for a little while? Like, I'll have some of those weird days where suddenly I'm questioning all my feelings and thoughts, and they contradict everything I believed the day before. Sometimes it's refreshing. Sometimes it's troubling. Either way, it's slightly unsettling to think that everything I think and believe can switch like that so suddenly.

I can't let regrets creep up on me. I've been doing so well, I've finally moved on...and yet sometimes little things come up that just won't go away and I sometimes to venture into the realm that I really shouldn't venture into...wondering why I didn't just do something, or say something. Almost anything different than what I actually did do.

It doesn't come up often, only when I let myself think of the fact that I had exactly what I wanted, and somehow lost it. And now I don't know when I'll get it back.

And then, just to contradict all that, I also sometimes get the feeling that I really don't need what I had back then. I'm fine right now, and I don't need to depend on anything but myself...and maybe my reed.

Also, when I actually let myself think about it, I'm kinda scared to do it again. I mean...I dunno. Maybe I'm just thinking about this too much. Not sure I want to mention any other details here. If you're really interested you could ask, not that it's really that interesting of a topic.

And Paul's sad that he hasn't been mentioned in a while. Hi Paul. You have been mentioned.


"You're getting fingerprints on it!"
"But you get fingerprints on it yourself."
"Yeah, but only on the bottom part."
"And you can always just polish it off later."
"'s so much better to just keep it clean in the first place..."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Impulse or Intelligence?

I wonder if I was faced with a decision, if I would take the smart route, or just go with my immediate impulse. I know I'm faced with a lot of decisions that probably apply here, but with those ones the answer is pretty obvious. Either not thinking about it is in the only way to do it (ex. jumping off a diving board), or the impulse way is so ridiculous, it's not even considered as an option.

But in all seriousness, if I was faced with a choice where both impulse and intelligent decisions had pros and cons, which one would I go with?

There's my random pondering for the day. Other than that, I really don't have anything meaningful to say.

Today was a pretty awesome day. You can't deny it. Except that now I actually have to do homework, which is not pleasing.

So I'd better get back to my attempt to do something productive. Wish me luck.


"Yeah, well you can't unhook a bra from underneath a shirt."

Friday, October 19, 2007

Synonyms for forever

I remember wanting to post before I skedaddled my way off to choir camp, and I remember that the above title was what I wanted to call it. But I can't remember why, which kinda sucks, because I'm pretty sure it was a half decent topic...oh well. Maybe I'll just kinda blab on about things for a while and I may or may not remember. We'll see.

Oh dear, that dreaded phrase. We'll see. How is it that I bounce back and forth between liking that phrase and hating it? Sometimes it bugs me so much when people want every little detail for everything, and I just want to tell them to wait and 'we'll see'. But then when I'm really wondering about things, people are like, well, wait and 'we'll see' and I'm like, no! I don't want to see, I want to know now!

I know I'm a hypocrite. I'm slightly ashamed, but I think everybody's a hypocrite in some way. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that to make me feel better.

My dad had an accident on his bike today. Apparently he went over a bump or something and flew right over his bike and landed on his face, where he just kinda lay, being really out of it / unconscious until an ambulance came and took him to the hospital. It wasn't very comforting to get in the car after All Cities rehearsal and hear my mom talking on the cell phone, asking which hospital he's in. But he's alright. His face is pretty banged up, and he dislocated his pinky finger, but apparently all his ribs are all right, and he doesn't have any head trauma or anything of the sort.

U of C concert went quite well. My favorite part during out performance had to be when the whole band was rushing so much that we were a full beat ahead of the conductor, and somehow we all chose the exact same moment to stop for a full beat and come back in with the conductor. It was amazing. I love that group.

Hanging out afterwards was also a blast. Mom was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into the Grad Hall, since it's an 18 and over type of deal, but they weren't checking for IDs. Probably since they obviously only expect university kids to be there anyways. But whatever.

And now I've definitely spent more time on here than I meant to, partly because I got distracted by chatting and youtube.

One more thing I definitely have to say before I leave, because I've been wanting to say this so much to people, except I also don't want to sound all egotistic and everything.

Anyways, when I auditioned for university ensembles, I basically auditioned for the Wind Ensemble, Orchestra, and Symphonic band, and ended up only getting accepted into Symphonic band. Anyways, my teacher and I were talking, and..

Teacher: So Dr Glenn Price liked your audition. He was just concerned about whether you'd be able to get out of high school for rehearsals.
Me: Of course I would.
Teacher: I know, and I told him that. But he was also concerned it might take away from actual things like marks that you actually need to get further in life.
Me: Yeah, I guess. But I wouldn't let that happen.
Teacher: I'm sure, but still. We talked about it for a while, and in the end what it came down to is that there are university students who have actually paid to take courses like this, while you haven't.
Me: Right, that's true.

So, from that discussion, does it not sound like Dr. Price was seriously considering me for the Wind Ensemble?! It's amazing, I love that thought so much, and whenever somebody says that it's great that I'm in the university symphonic band, I always really want to say that it is great, but at the same time I was being considered for the Wind Ensemble! As in, that amazing group we heard play at Aberhart on Tuesday! I'm in high school and I could have been accepted into that group!

Okay, now that it's out I promise I won't brag about it. I just really wanted to get it out there because I was so happy after hearing that.

I suppose I could go on if I really wanted to, but I still have choir camp pictures to put on facebook, and I should really get a half decent sleep before orchestra tomorrow. I also have to check with Corey to be sure that we're getting together tomorrow, although I'm pretty sure he's up for it.


"I'll make you a deal. I won't tell anybody about anything that happened tonight if you don't tell anybody about anything you see on facebook."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Fluctuating day

I don't know where that title came from. I was trying to think of a way to describe my day, and that word came into my mind.

Anyways, as previously stated, I kinda had an odd day. And my thoughts pretty much changed at every corner, which always makes the day interesting.

Where to the beginning I suppose. Or perhaps before the beginning.

So, last night I wrote a bunch of stuff in my notebook that I probably should have mentioned weeks ago. I never did, but last night I basically said to heck with it, and I wrote it all down. It was so weird how much better I felt after I got it out, and I'm wondering if maybe I can go back to how I was before. I guess we'll see, although I still feel like it's the kind of thing I'll never be sure about until I reach the point where I have to decide. It's like the diving board. You never actually know if you'll be able to jump until you get to the end of the board.

This morning I started right off and overdosed on hopeless romantic things. Of course, seeing Across the Universe again last night didn't help at all. I also listened to certain songs on the way to school, which didn't help the situation.

Then throughout the day I found myself questioning the thoughts I've had for the past couple weeks. For a few moments here and there I was horribly frightened that everything I've believed and told other people was all a lie, and I'd somehow have to find a way to sort out my life all over again.

I also just realized that between my notebook, this blog, and socialmoth, you can find out anything about my life, because I think I mention pretty much everything about my life in those three things. Not everything in one, but between them all, it's like reading the story of my life.

I think for the first time I saw Mike as one person. It was during bassoon seminar when it really hit me. Before I've always kind of seen him as two people. He's either cool bassoon guy who's my friend, or amazing bassoon guy who I want to be like, but sometimes question whether I have to ability to actually play at the same level as him. (I have no idea if that last sentence, but it was the best way I could get my thoughts across. Deal with it.) But today in bassoon seminar, after we had played all our audition pieces for each other, we were talking about it. And we all think Mike's amazing, but listening to Francesca talk to / about him kind of made me realize that he's still a student too. I think this was the first time I saw him as an amazing player, but a student all the same. I've never really thought about the fact that Mike's still a student, and he's still learning and making mistakes just like me. To me he's always been amazing in general, and could do anything he wanted to already.

I'm not sure how else to express my feelings about this. It was a very neat thought process that happened in a span of about 60 seconds.

And I still hate conflicting dates. It's so frustrating, and just makes me wonder why I try to do so much. Except I know I wouldn't leave anything I've joined, even if it made life easier. I enjoy everything I do, and I guess I just want to get the most out of life that I can. I know other people say I should take it slow. People have said that I need to save some things so I still have new things to experience later in life. I'm sure the people who are involved in my conflicting dates are possibly also a little frustrated that I'm always going to them and saying I have something else to do. And truth be told, another thing I hate about conflicting dates is the fact that it forces me to choose between two things that I enjoy, and am apart of. I don't want anybody to think I value something over something else, but the fact of life is that often you have to choose between those two things. And often I hate justifying my choice, because my reasoning may be completely different than the views of other people.

I really don't know where I'm going with this. It just kinda came out.

I should go and work on some social...I have a feeling that keeping my booklet up to date in social is going to help me keep my mark up a lot. And I need that. So I might as well make it look like I'm putting some sort of effort into that class.

I also hope I don't have much of any other homework, because I don't plan on doing it. And I definitely need to let my teachers know about choir camp.


"No, I've never drank, or used drugs, or done any sexual experimentation."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Some thoughts

I figured last night's post was kinda lame. So I decided I'd post again with something hopefully a little more interesting.

First with some general stuff...I totally didn't print out music I need for bassoon seminar tomorrow, meaning I didn't practice it, so I'm going to be totally owned by the university bassoonists tomorrow. Sigh. On the up side, I think my mouth is pretty much good now, and my bassoon's on it's way home, so I should have it for the concert on Thursday. Good stuff.

Me and Chloe saw Across The Universe again tonight. I didn't think it could get any better, but somehow it's so much better the second time. It also made me think, 'I want a' Or rather...'I want *that*' but we'll leave that for another time.

By the way, those kinds of movies are exactly the reason why I'm so hopelessly romantic. Damn movies. I love them...

As a side note, I totally just killed another pair of headphones. Stupid things. I need a pair that will actually last me...

Okay, now on to the interesting stuff. Where to start is the real question.

First of all, it seems like everybody else actually has something significant and meaningful to put on their blogs. All the time. I mean, I have my moments, but some posts like last night are just there to take up space. So that either means A) I live a very meaningless life, B) I just don't think as much as other people do, or C) I just can't put my thoughts into meaningful words like they can. I can't decide which one it is.

Now for something that I always meant to talk about here, but never did last night because I was too tired.

At band camp, me, Rebecca, Chloe, and Aidan went to the field at some ungodly hour in the morning to look at the stars. They were very cool, despite the fact that I didn't have my glasses on, and so could just see fuzzy white dots. But whatever.

I actually found the walk there more interesting than the stars themselves. It was pitch black, with absolutely no light except for starlight, which wasn't exactly significant. So you couldn't see anything. You wouldn't even have been able to see somebody walking straight at you until they were four feet away. Which Rebecca did to me, and it was scary as hell itself, but that's another story.

Anyways, the biggest thing about the dark was that I couldn't even see the ground I was walking on. Which was a weird experience for me, because I almost always glance at the ground when I'm walking. I just like to know where I'm putting my feet. It's been a habit since before I can remember. Whenever I'm walking and it's completely dark, I always move super slow because I'm not sure what my feet will run into.

Which makes it really weird that it wasn't like that at camp. Even in my home, where I know where everything is, if it's dark, I move super slow. This was the band camp road, and while I've been there twice before, that still doesn't exactly make it familiar. But I hardly slowed my pace at all.

For some reason I had a weird confidence that night, and I put one foot in front of the other without thinking at all about what might be coming. I wasn't at all worried about what I might run into, or trip over, or anything.

I can't figure out why that happened that night. Even in broad daylight I glance at where I'm walking. Yet there I couldn't see anything and I wasn't even worried about it.

Was it the fact that it was impossible to see, therefore I didn't even bother? Did I just trust the road for some reason? Did I trust my feet?

This may seem pointless to other people, but seeing as I like comparing life to a road, it makes it interesting for me.

Another odd thing is that my trust, whether it was in my feet or the road, wasn't betrayed. Usually when I have an odd trust while walking in the dark I always run into something or trip. But this time I didn't run into anything. The road was smooth, I never was interesting.

I wish I could have thought about this more while walking back to camp as well, but seeing as somebody had mentioned Stephen King, and I'm just starting to finish It, I was more worried about a man-eating clown than trusting the road...

I also love being president of the music council. I don't like to mention that too often, because being president doesn't really mean I'm any better than anybody else on the council. We're really all equal when it comes down to stuff like that. But still.

It's so cool to have people I don't know (like grade 10s) coming up to me and asking me about stuff. It's nice to be known, especially since I've never really been the person who everybody knows.

It's also weird to think that there are possibly grade 10s out there that are now looking up to me. I know that when I first found out about the music council in my grade 10 year, and found out Katie was president, I idolized her from that moment on, and I totally wanted to be like her. It's cool to think that I'm now in the position I wanted since September of grade 10...and now there are possibly grade 10s that are having those same thoughts now.

I've never been somebody who other people look up to, although I've always wanted to be. It's so cool. At the same time, it's scary, because if they're looking up to me, they're probably thinking I'm so cool, and I know for a fact that I'm probably not half as cool as they think I am...

Of course, I may just be fooling myself. There might be absolutely no grade 10s out there idolizing me, and thinking I'm cool. More than half are probably thinking I'm crazy, and have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Which actually wouldn't be far from the truth...

Alright...methinks I'm done for the night. Any other significant thoughts I can post tomorrow. Or some other time. I'm sure they'll get up here eventually. And I'm sure two seconds after I post this I'm going to think of something I meant to say. Oh well. Such is life.

And, to let everybody know what I had to go through at band camp, a series of quotes to end tonights post.

It actually makes me wonder why I continued to go to their cabin...


"Well, it's not like we'll be having a sexy orgy party or anything while Robyn's here."
"No, it's not you Robyn, it's just your personality."
"Is Robyn Phillips still here? Because if not, we can have that sexy-orgy party now."
"Damn, Robyn's here. Now we can't have our sexy orgy party."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Another band camp

Another band camp has gone. Let us share a moment of silence.

It was so awesome.

All the activities for both nights worked out. There was the occasional glitch here and there, but there always will be in life.

I dunno, I guess I don't really have much to say, but I figured I might as well post.

Had some good heart to heart talks with friends during band camp, which is always healthy. I'm getting tired of the phrase 'we'll see'. I don't want to wait and see. I was to know. Now.

Heffernan, Paddock, and Waters are the most awesome people I've ever met in my whole life.

Except when one of them walks into my cabin playing trumpet at 6:45 in the morning. That took away from the awesomeness a little bit. =P

I have many other various thoughts from band camp, but I don't feel like taking the time and effort to say them all here. If you're really super curious, ask me.

But for now, I might as well be off to finish uploading pictures from band camp.


"But when I tell them to take out their Fussel / They call me a son of a beach."

Monday, October 08, 2007

Damn Internet

So, my computer's being kinda stupid. I bookmarked my blog, but lately when I click on it, it doesn't bring me here because it says that there's some sort of error with the HTML or something. But it's also doing that with some other blogs I try to go to. So I dunno if it's just my computer, or if blogger's having a moment or something. Oh well.

I can see a late night ahead of me. I have to type up details for band camp, send them out and print out a copy or two, upload things on facebook, both from Haley's party and Calaway park today, and attempt to do some English stuff, even though I have quite a limited idea of what that will be.

I had such a scary panic attack last wasn't even funny. I was really scared. It still hasn't worn off entirely, but I'm sure I'll be fine. Getting out and doing stuff with friends, even if it's just school. It still gets me away from thinking about things that don't need thinking about.

And tomorrow's Tuesday. Normally I'm not a fan of Tuesdays. But recent events / emotions have changed my mind. Tuesday's not a bad day. There are better days, to be sure, but Tuesday's not a bad day.

I really hope I don't forget anything. I should start writing stuff down.

I feel really behind. My mouth is still slightly sensitive about me playing too much, so I've kinda been avoiding practicing, which is really setting me back, especially since I'm supposed to be practicing for NYO auditions. So I really hope it gets better soon, because seriously, it's getting kinda ridiculous.

Trying to think of other things to say...and mostly failing. That's a sign I should actually start working on things that need to get done tonight.

Wish me luck.



Saturday, October 06, 2007

Dear Prudence

So, I've basically had that song in my head since the dawn of time itself. Or at least ever since I saw Across the Universe. Pretty much the best movie ever. I love it.

I'm pretty sure I don't have much to say tonight, but I figured I'd post something anyways, just for the heck of it.

I love playing duets with Corey. We sound so good. We'll sound better once I have my bassoon back, but whatever. Speaking of which, I don't think it's going to come back before band camp, which really sucks. But oh well I guess. I'm taking the next two days off to let my face heal, since it got all puffy again after I practiced one morning, which sucks.

I can't stand waiting! Honestly...I like him, and I want us to talk more. And we kinda started talking more near the end of the week, but now I have to wait a whole long weekend before I find out if that was just some sort of weird fluke, or if we're actually going to start talking more on a regular basis.

sigh. I'm going insane. Why can't I help but compare this to grade 10? I told myself I wouldn't do that, because of course it's different, but I really am...I can't remember if it feels the same...sometimes I think it feels basically the same, and sometimes I'm not so sure. Although the moments when I'm not so sure don't come up very often...

Yay, relatives are over. It's not so bad, but still, it disturbs the peace of the house for a few days.

And...that's actually pretty much it. That's the only thing that's driving me crazy at the moment. Everything else I think I can handle.

Although I definitely need to update my iPod. There's a variety of music that I need to add on there and haven't gotten around to it.


"Tails, go left...woah, take the next *safest* left..."

Monday, October 01, 2007

Secrets all around

I heard the scariest conversation tonight. Seriously, it sounded like a war was being planned. I listened with awe, not able to believe what was being said. I can't believe that somebody would do that. I can't believe we have to prepare for something like this. It makes me feel better, knowing we have good people behind it all, who are willing to fight, but still. It was frightening, thinking of the worst that could happen. And at the same time, I feel guilty for thinking that by the time anything too serious happens, it won't have a large effect on me.

I hope I don't seriously fall into that, thinking that it doesn't matter if it doesn't effect me. I always want to support them, and I know I will. It's still frightening. And at the same time, it makes me so mad. This is an important thing to many people, and sometimes others don't recognize how hard people work for this.

And I'm sorry, but even if you ask I can't tell you what this is about. I know it could be mis-interpreted about a hundred different ways, but I still can't say anything. Don't worry though, I don't think it's nearly as bad as I made it out to be. At least not yet.

In other news, I think Paddock and Waters are about the two smartest people I've ever met in my whole life.

Why does life have to be so complicated? I know I've said this a thousand times before, but still. If I could just take my emotion out of things, I think it might actually be a lot easier. I look at things practically, and think that it's really not a big deal and I just have to grow up. But then the situation actually comes and I chicken out. How can I ever fix things if I keep chickening out? Like I said, hopefully I grow up sometime in the near future. We can only hope.

And I can go to NYB 2008! Originally our spring band concert prevented me from doing that, but it's been moved, so now I can. It pretty much made my life complete.

Chloe, I was too nervous/timid/other word of that sort to say this in social. But if you could do some talking for me, that would actually be kinda nice. As I'm sure you've read, I apparently haven't completely grown up yet. =P I will one day, I promise. But for now...if you could just give me a little boost...I think that might help a little. =)

Oh, how I dislike being in the middle of things. Creates quite the conflict. Sometimes when I'm caught in a position like that, I just have to walk away. It's usually easiest.

I definitely feel like there are people out there who I used to talk to soo much, and now I haven't been talking to them as much this year. Which really does make me sad. Maybe it's just start of school stress and busy-ness. Maybe we really are drifting apart, which would actually make me cry. I'm going to put my faith in that it's just everything that's going on with the start of school. Hopefully band camp might bring an end to that barrier and I can reconnect with people that are important to me.

Hm...I guess that's kinda what my horoscope said today. Maybe the horoscopes this time weren't as unimpressive as I first thought.

As much as I sometimes pretend I don't like certain attention...I usually do. I may not be as out there as some people, but I do tend to like attention.

That was a very random statement, and I tried to think of more to add to it, but that's really all I have to say.

I should go do my social so I stand a chance at the test tomorrow. Wish me luck.


"Fine, I'll just say she tried to have an affair with me."