Thursday, January 31, 2008


That's the word of the day. Or the week. Or the past month, really. Oh well. After next week I plan to be entirely caught up, so you'll never have to hear me say that again. For a while.

I don't really have much to say. I'm really only posting this for the last two lines I'm going to write. Life's moving on. School. Music. Music Council. Finding new songs I like. Dad getting me a Taylor Swift CD (whom I've just discovered I have a real liking to). People telling me to get things done. Me saying it'll happen eventually. Playing games with time, and deadlines. Cheating my way into more time. Trying to beat the system. Changing. Questioning. Laughing. Loving. Living.

I could go on. I think you get the gist. Just find a bunch of synonyms to a handful of things up there, and that's pretty much how life is going right now. Looks good to me.

And if you asked me if I loved him
I'd lie.


"Oh right, I'm developing professionally that day."

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


There's been a few times over the past few days that I've thought of posting, but due to things that I won't go into detail about, I didn't. So here's some of the random things that have been happening over the past little while.

Me: *upon recalling an earlier awkward situation* Graham, please don't ever be like Adam.
Graham: What's wrong with Adam?
Me: Nothing's wrong with him. He's a pretty awesome person. Just don't ever follow his example. Don't ever do what he does.
Graham: Ah, a kind of, do as he says, not as he does, kinda thing, right?
Me: Exactly.
Me: On second thought, don't even do what he says. Just, anything that has to do with Adam, you're better to stay away from.

The event that that's referring to, I won't share here. It's a thing I'm only really willing to share in person. In fact, I'm still wondering if my life would benefit more if I just blocked it out of my memory completely.

There's been a bit of self doubt going on lately. I won't go into full detail. I was considering it last night, but decided I wasn't comfortable with putting that much of myself out there like that. Which is odd, seeing as that's all I did at one point. But this, I kinda want to keep in for a while.

I kinda confided in somebody at the university today after symphonic a kind of, offhand comment, trying to make it sound like it wasn't actually a big deal, and it wasn't a deep thing, which is kinda is. And I kinda got a reassuring answer, even if it seemed like it it was given in the same, offhand, slightly meaningless way. I don't even know if it was the tone, the person, or the answer itself that made me feel better. Probably a mix of both.

Long story short, I feel like I'm changing yet again. And I don't deal with change well. I mean, I'll accept that it has to come, and I'll even welcome it. But even then, something in the emotional part of my brain still seems to flare up when I begin to change, and then I start thinking oddly, and freaking out and what not.

I'll live, no worries there.

Hokay, enough of that before I start spilling things that I don't exactly want to spill yet.

Time to start living again.


"Are my swells supposed to come out of the texture, or follow the melody?"
"...You know they have a cream for that."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Je suis...?

I've suddenly had random urges to write my titles in french, in seems...

I read other people's blogs, and sometimes I wish I could be as incoherent, random, and as figurative as they are. My blogs seem so literal compared to them. and theirs seem so deep.

Oh well. Maybe I'm just not as deep as I like to pretend I am.

I had these really odd dreams last night.

The first one was kinda really scary. I think it was Halloween, and somebody was planning a trick or treating party. I can't remember who it was. But one person who was invited was this young boy who was a murderer. He killed people with a knife, and somehow that related to music, because I remember discussing with somebody how he only killed people in the key of Ab. Then he started talking with us, and he confirmed that fact. I saw this old woman off to the side, and the kid suddenly started staring at her, and creeping up behind her. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't do anything. He jumped on her from behind and started slashing her neck and face. Without even looking at the other people who were there (one of them was Haley, I don't know who the other was), I turned and started running, while calling my parents on my cell phone. Over the phone, I blabbed something about how somebody was dead, and I wanted to go home.

This is all taking place in my grandparents field, oddly enough. Anyways, I run back to the house, and my mom/dad is there (it wasn't clear which one it was). They're talking to some other parent who's there, and they seem reluctant to drive. So I get in the drivers seat, all ready to go, but they still want to stay and chat. At that moment I broke down, and I couldn't understand how nobody else seemed to get the fact that I had just seen somebody be killed, and I really wanted to go home.

So that was that dream. The next one doesn't have quite as much detail, but it was very happy.

It had to do with university, although I don't know if I was in university or not at that point. But I was hanging out with all university people. There was this top university student guy who was, like, the cool guy who everybody liked, and admired, and followed and whatnot. I don't quite know how, but somehow I took over his spot as top university person, and I remember wondering if this was the first time a first year had ever taken this I supposed maybe I was in university. So after I got this spot, everybody wanted to give me flowers and get my autograph and such on. And I got the top resident spot and everything, where I could watch over all the other people and make sure they're okay and everything.

And that was all there was to that dream. It sounds really odd, but there wasn't a single negative feeling in the entire thing, which was very refreshing after the first one.

Questions of the day:
Have you ever looking in the mirror and actually believed that you really are beautiful?
Have you ever thought, even after meeting everybody you've ever met in the world, that you're still the weirdest person there is?
Have you ever done most of your thinking/daydreaming while staring at yourself in the mirror?
Have you ever been genuinely happy that you are who you are?


"Socially unept? Your english teacher would be proud of you."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Comment convaincre ses parents

That was the stupidest french project ever. Just for the record. I don't even remember learning anything except the title. =P

Anyways, my general conclusion for the day is that my parents are awesome.

I decided that within the ten minute drive with my dad coming home from the university.

I told him a bunch of stuff that had been happening with my friends and their parents, and conflicts between them and stuff. Like parents that are really protective and pretty much do everything possible to maintain their child's innocence.

Okay, maybe that's being a bit melodramatic, but you get what I mean.

So we basically just had this talk about how him and my mom figure that they know teenagers are going to do stuff like that anyways, whether they try to prevent it or not. They were teenagers once, and they weren't exactly angels...especially my dad. So they know that even if they are more restricting, if I want to do something, I'll find a way to do it. My dad even believes that by being restricting you're almost pushing the kid towards it more. Teenage rebellion and all that. =P

He agreed that he didn't really like the way I said some other parents were handling things, and he said him and my mom have always believed that rather than try to 'protect' us, and force us to do things behind their backs, they should let us know that they're aware that kids do this stuff, and that they're always here if we need them.

Which they've always done. Ever since I started mentioning that people I knew were drinking, she's always said if I ever need a ride home for any reason I can always call home. She did the same thing when it came to sex. She said she'd rather have me make sure I'm doing it safe rather than having to do things behind her back, and she went on the pill when she was young, and I can always talk to her and such on and so forth. It was actually pretty cool.

Speaking of which, my views on that have changed so much. Seriously, I've only actually realized how much it's changed in the past few days. I don't know how, but it has. Oh well. I don't mind it so much. Change can be good.

Well, actually I do kinda know why. But I'm sure there are other factors as well.

Oh, and another thing that makes my parents so awesome. Besides the fact that whenever I say 'I'm with Chloe', they basically forget about me and let me do my own thing. =P

I was with Kelskie the other night, and we stayed up late talking and watching a movie, so that pretty soon it was 12:30. So we were like, well, I guess I'm not going home tonight. So I just texted my parents saying I was spending the night at Kelskie's.

Mom told me this morning that she didn't have a problem with it. She was a little concerned sometimes, but she just knew that I was with Kelskie, and she knew I was alright. My dad also said that there was a time or two when he thought of calling me, but he figured I knew what I was doing by now, and he can let me be.

So that's cool. I love the fact that my parents are so cool with letting me do what I want with my life. Heck, they're going to have to do it sooner or later anyways.


"You know guys. They wear their underwear until it falls off."

Sunday, January 13, 2008


I was going to blog half an hour ago, but I forgot what I was going to say. Now I remember, so I'll blog.

However, I will attempt to make it short and to the point, because I have work to do.

So, today at the Pirates rehearsal at the university, I felt like I almost got a glimpse of how I'll change once I start university. I know I will change. I'm going to accept that before it even happens. Because I know what it's like not to accept change while it's already happening / happened, and that's not fun. I figure accepting it early on will make things easier.

Besides, I don't really dread change like I used to. I can't exactly say why. I think it's mostly because the last change, as painful as it was, in the long run, it was for the better. I became an obvious different person, and I like who I am now. No that I didn't like who I was, but I do love who I am now.

Anyways, it was interesting, and I can't actually explain it to the fullest extent.

But enough university thoughts for right now. I have to get through high school first.

To everybody who says I need to get myself out of high school so I can go to university: I'm going as fast as I can, believe me.

To all my high school friends: Damn, I don't want high school to end, because I know things will change with all of us. Maybe not to the highest extent, but certainly to the extent where it might not be as easy to see each other every day. That's one change I'm not looking forward to.


"Pit Band! Stop flirting with the Pirate King!"

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Head explosion!

Yes, I kinda wanted my head to explode today. It was nuts. I never realized how much a little more communication would help. But it really really really would. I don't understand why they can't figure that out. I mean, come on. If you had even gotten together once a week for the past while together to talk about how each of you are doing things, and lined things up between yourselves, we wouldn't have this massive confusion, plus hours of extra rehearsal time.

I could go on about that, but I won't. I'll just get ready for more head exploding madness this week, and then it'll be done.

All that said and done, it really is a lot of fun. The singers / actors are all really nice (even though I say stupid things in front of them sometimes...but what else can be expected from me?) and really, that's a very good reason for me to want to do it again. I just love the people. The chaos, confusion, and lack of planning / communication wants me to run far, far away from this project and never look back. But I'd totally come back for the people in it. I'm a sucker like that.

I also ate yogurt that apparently was supposed to expire on the 2nd...but it smelled alright, so I had some. If I don't show up to school on Monday, you'll know why.

Ugh, school on Monday. That's a depressing thought. Not nearly as depressing as knowing I have an English project to do after rehearsal tomorrow, but still depressing. At least it's the last day of second semester. Then I just have diplomas to worry about. And then the whole process starts again in June...

But now I'm getting ahead of myself. One step at a time.

Tchaik 4 is fun. I was reminded of why they call it an 'excerpt'...normally because you're the only one playing, and people are actually meant to hear you. So I saw the excerpt I learned last year, and I'm like, woah! cool! And then I come up to it, and I'm like, wait...I'm the only one playing...oh right, excerpt...=P

The only problem with Tchaik 4 is the first movement has rehearsal letters, only it's so long it uses every letter in the alphabet, save for the last four. And it's sometimes hard to hear Agopian in the back, so we'll hear him call a letter but we'll only hear that it sounds like 'ee'. So we're all wondering if it's B, C, D, E, G, P, T, or V. I swear, he's really going to have to start calling out words instead of letters, or the wind section's going to end up being terribly confused.

I also hope he gives us a huge cue after our 118+ bars of rest.

Movie of the night: Master and Commander. It's not a bad movie. It's a bit odd for me to watch a movie about the sea, and sailing, and boats and stuff without pirates, but still not a bad movie. I enjoyed it.

Movie I want to see: Atonement. My dad wondered why I wanted to see that, as it had no mentioned of car chases in the advertisement. =P


"Wait, you can buy them? And to think, I've been going to garage sales all this time."

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Almost done!

I haven't forgotten about this place. I've just been a little busy / tired / lacking in anything interesting to talk about.

Not that I really have anything particularly interesting to say now. But I figured if maybe I started doing something on the computer, it might lead to homework, which I need to do, so. =)

What can I say tonight...?

Life is generally good. Yeah, I feel like it sucks sometimes, but so does everybody. We all have our moods. First semester is almost done, which is so nice. In a way, it feels like it went by very fast. Maybe that's because I spent almost more time in rehearsals this year than in class.

I don't really feel like going into anything meaningful right now. I've had a few heart-to-heart talks with people recently, and I do enjoy in person heart-to-heart talks. I've decided I need to make more of an effort to do stuff with friends.

You know, I'm really just going to keep going on about nothing, and sprouting random facts here and there.

I really do mean to write here more often. But as it's the end of semester, I'm taking advantage of the fact that I have teachers that will still take in assignments that were due two months ago...


"Daddy, why won't you buy me a boyfriend?"

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Thinking, when I should be doing math

But not bad thinking. Just generally thinking.

Actually, it started out with daydreaming when I should be doing math.

Anyways, as I was going along and daydreaming and whatnot, it suddenly hit me...I don't really even know how to express it. How much I've changed? How much I've grown? Maybe something like that, but not really. I'll just explain it and then you can decide what I mean.

At some point my mind wandered to last year, about this time, give or take a few weeks. Anybody who knows me (man, I've been using that phrase a lot lately) knows what happened to me around this time, and that I was basically feeling like crap.

I don't really need to go into more detail about all that, since I've gone over it numerous times before. If you're looking for more details, go back to my blog posts about a year ago.

It just suddenly hit me how much my life isn't centered on what happened last year. Last year the only thing that mattered in my life was that breakup. That's all I could think about, and it made me feel horrible and depressed and all similar feelings. I couldn't get away from what had happened, and I didn't think I'd ever be able to.

And now I realize that I hardly ever think of it anymore. I still recognize it as a defining event in my life, because I know it had a big influence on who I am right now. But as far as the actual event goes...

Again, it's still hard to explain. It's more that all the negative emotions that used to be connecting with thinking about that breakup are all gone. Like, completely. I've said that before, but it wasn't really true, because I still had some feelings of regret. But not anymore.

Is it a bad thing that it's taken almost a year to get to this point? I don't think so. I don't even think it took a whole year, I think it's just hit me now.

Anyways, I could go into more detail about this, but I'd just be blabbing, and you probably wouldn't understand half of it anyways. If you really want to hear more, talk to me.


"Believe me, I'm in no hurry to see grandchildren."
"Oh, then you might not like what I was going to announce at dinner..."

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Video Blog!

But not tonight.

My computer decided not to upload it.

Hopefully it will learn how to function in todays society by tomorrow.


"Look! Bananas on sale!"