Thursday, February 19, 2009


It occurred to me on Monday how much significance our names can have.

It just hit me suddenly, and, having no time to think of it at that moment, I had to postpone it until that night, where I had time to sort things out.

Anyways, enough prologue, I shall start attempting to make sense.

I was hanging out with Bennet on Monday night, and he had some calls to some friends to make, so I sat with him while he did that. Well, actually I was half laying on him while he was doing that, but it was very comfortable. For me.

While he was on the phone, generally the other person would always ask what he was up too, and sometimes he would say 'I'm hanging with the girlfriend' and other times he would say 'I'm hanging with Robyn.'

And I always got the weirdest, best feeling whenever he said my name to somebody else.

He doesn't always call me by my name. In fact, he actually rarely does, at least to my face. He'll always call 'baby' or something. Which also makes me feel insanely special, because anybody who knows me knows that I love nicknames. The few times he does call me by my name, it's generally when I'm upset, and I'm refusing to listen to him, or talk to him, and then he'll say it, which generally gets my attention, but also gives me the weirdest, best feeling that was mentioned above.

It's quite interesting, and I still don't think I'm completely sorted out what it means, or why it happens. But on Monday whenever he said my wasn't just like he was saying my name. It's like he was saying my identity, in a single word. He can somehow fit everything that is me into a single word.

There have been a few times where he's said my name, and it's like I'm suddenly reminded that that is who I am. He says it, and I think 'Right. I'm Robyn, and everything that is Robyn is also me.'

Like I said, it's the weirdest feeling, but it's also the most wonderful feeling of the world.

The whole thing just made me realize how much significance my name actually has. I don't think I've ever realized it before, and even now I don't know how well I can explain it.

Does it sound weird if I say that sometimes I forget my name is Robyn? I'll explain.

When I think of myself, I don't think of myself as Robyn. Sure, it's what I write on all my exam papers, and introduce myself as. But when I think of myself, and who I am, I don't think of myself as Robyn. I think of myself as...oh, everything that I've ever done, and thought, and are still doing and thinking.

Does anybody ever think of themselves by their own name?

And that's another thing that I'm reminded of when I hear Bennet say my name. I suddenly remember that that's who other people see me as. When they see me, they think 'Robyn'.

Maybe that does sound a little crazy. I don't know why I think nothing of it when other people say my name, and suddenly Bennet does and I go into this thinking spree. Maybe I just needed him to say it, in that weird, wonderful way that he does, to make me realize it. Maybe life decided it was time that I find out another aspect of my identity, of myself, that I can lean on when I need to.

Anyways, I should be off to figure out what I'm doing tonight, and with whom (well, I guess I already know the latter part of the question).

And thus, I shall diminish into the night, and remain...Robyn.

I'm so lame. <3


"Why do the car warranty people keep calling me? I don't even own a car."


Melda said...

Yay it's a line from FotR. Sort of.

Somehow that just made me nostalgic :P The first time I ever saw that movie was with you.

Christine said...

I actually just came searching for this post, because I had that same feeling today, and remembered you writing about it awhile back. I wanted to remember what you had said, and yes, it is exactly what I've been thinking for a couple hours, and I have yet to find a better way of expressing it. We had a couple friends over tonight and twice my roommate said my name, "Christine." Which doesn't seem like a very big deal, and yet somehow it rather is to me. Yet, there does seem to be some significance in WHO it is who says my name. Or perhaps it's more the context? For instance, quite often at work my boss will call me by name to ask a question or request, and that is nothing noteworthy. I answer, I nod my head, whatever. Now, thinking about it, I have one or two friends who do say my name often, and that has no impact either... And of course there are the six or seven people who often sing "Christine" in the Phantom of the Opera quote, and I think nothing of that... so it must have to do with people saying my name who don't use it often. My roommate would be in that category, since usually when he talks to me there's no one else around, so names aren't necessary... and of course when I had a boyfriend, it was the same, there was no real need to say my name, since I always knew he was talking to me. But on the odd occasion when he did say my name (whether to me directly or to someone else with me present) it gave me that "weird, amazing feeling" that you describe as best as can be done. How strange this is. What's in a name? But really, so, so much... and yet nothing at all.