Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Mind implosion?

Almost. But in the best way possible, if there is such a thing.

Seriously, I'm not even sure what to say. I haven't written in my notebook in forever. one of the only reasons I'm writing this now is because I need something to draw me back into...myself? I don't know. Hopefully I'll begin to make more sense as I go along. And if not...well, hopefully getting this out, even in a completely incomprehensible way will still help me figure things out.

But don't for one second during this whole thing think that I'm upset. I am possibly the happiest person ever. Like seriously, it's awesome.

See, this is my problem. Every time I think 'you know, I should really figure this out and find out what's going on' then I sit down, and I realize how happy I really am, and then I start thinking 'well, do I really need to figure this out? Because if I'm happy, does it really matter?'

To which the logical (and also the slightly frightened) voice in my mind goes "yes, you have to figure this out! Because you've been pushed into your own little world of perfectness, and you've been living in it for the past few days! You had almost decided that you knew yourself perfectly, and you loved it, and suddenly you went and changed *again* and now that you're somebody completely different, what the heck are you going to do when you're pushed back into the world you've been ignoring, the one that includes bassoon, and university, and everything else!"

To which another answers "I'm not somebody completely different. I'm me. And that will never be able to change completely just like that. I'll always be the same person, just with variations here and there. Ignoring certain aspects of my life...that's what I do. And when I'm pushed back into it, I cope. Besides, are you really freaking out about bassoon and university because you've been ignoring them, or are you freaking out because it's only really hitting you now that you're actually going to be doing both of those things, and now that it's starting to sink in, you're starting to get nervous?"

Did that voice just say something that made a slight bit of sense? Since when does my mind make sense? That was almost deep thinking, is what that was.

Okay, so my conclusion since starting this post. I'm not going to worry. Because life will take care of me. It knows what it's doing. I know what's coming. Do I know how I'm going to deal with it? Probably not. Do I ever know how to deal with anything? Generally, no.

I blame this entirely of thinking too much. I'm always guilty of thinking too much. Over thinking, as some call it.

Why am I over thinking when I'm happy? Since when does that happen?

This is when you pat me on the head and tell me to go eat my dinner.

Because if I drag out this post any longer, I'll end up doing some serious unnecessary thinking.

Which is silly, because I'm happy. How happy? Extremely. So much so, that I'm almost reduced to not even using words anymore. Just doing this all the time:



"The ship has not sailed, but there was lots of recreational boating happening."

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