Thursday, January 18, 2007

Thoughts of the past

I didn't have such a good day today. I made a reed, which was good, even though I'm almost postive that it's going to leak, so I'm not putting too much hope into that reed. I also didn't practice, which really wasn't a good idea. Practicing might have made me feel better.

Anyways, I cleaned my room today, which wasn't too bad, until I found some old letters and I made the mistake of thinking I could read them without it affecting my mood. I was wrong. So then I found some old notes that I read, that made me feel better, until I stepped back into realiy and remembered that things have changed since I wrote those notes.

So, after that, I pretty much spent the whole day wondering when I'll be able to put the past behind me and just move on. I feel like I've been stuck in one place for the past couple months, and I'm not able to move forward, and all I want to do is spend my time wishing that things didn't have to change. I had so much fun back in those days, and now everything's different. I don't want everything to be different. I've been trying to make things better, but it's not working. I've just been shoved off to the side. I feel like I'm watching everybody else move ahead in life, and I'm stuck in one spot, and I will be for the rest of my life if I don't get over this. But I don't know how.

I'm not sure what else to say about this. All day I've just kept thinking about things that have happened, knowing that it's mostly my fault things started going downhill, and wondering what would have happened if I had done things differently. I haven't had this many regrets in so long. I hate having regrets. I've always hated thinking about regrets, and wishing things had gone differently, because I know that I can't do anything to change them. And for so long I was able to think that way, just reminding myself that there's nothing I can do about it now, and moving on. But now I'm stuck, and something's holding me back. Maybe it's my stupid emotions, and maybe it's something else. I don't know anymore. But I'm sick of it, and I don't know what to do with it.

Being with friends helps a lot. I know that much. This always happens to me during breaks, whether they be winter break, summer break, exam break, anything. Anytime that I don't see my friends for a couple days seems to force me into some sort of depressing period. Friends help me forget about things like this. So, I know that's half the reason I feel like this right now. It's just because I haven't seen my friends in a while. I think the Radium trip will help. Maybe for three full days I won't have to think about it at all, and I can just laugh with my friends the whole time. If I don't think about it, it can't get me depressed, right?

I really should have practiced today. Well, at least All Cities is tomorrow. Since I don't have lessons tomorrow, I might practice before, and get that section in Molly On the Shore up to speed. That would be good. And I must not forget to talk to Corey about Colorado.

I don't really feel like going to bed right now. Maybe I'll listen to some music...that always helps my mood. And I might play some computer games. Ooh, if I'm really in the mood (and really prepared to stay up) maybe I'll play Monopoly. We got it for Mac at Christmas. I played a game with my brother and four computers this afternoon. I won, but that's really only because I got Boardwalk and Parkplace early on in the game. Ha, I wonder how Josh would react to playing Monopoly on the computer...then he can't cheat...

Then again, I also can't cheat, and I would have lost that game a lot sooner if Alistair hadn't helped me cheat a couple times...


"I like works better somehow..."


Melda said...

Awww! *virtual hug* I hope you feel better soon, regrets sure aren't fun to have. Hope you had fun playing Monopoly, if you did :) Wow, the thought of Monopoly brings back memories...I seem to recall long games played on your living room rug...


Rethack said...

Robyn, awww hugs.I'm always here for you.