Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm not dead yet!

Hokay, I'm back. I've been pretty much super dead tired these past couple days, and it didn't seem like I was really going to contribute anything of value to this blog. But now I'm back. At least until I get really super tired again. =P Which actually shouldn't take long.

Well, what can I say? I'll start with the basic stuff, that anybody can understand. I may or may not move into weird obscure thoughts that only certain people can understand. We'll see.

My mouth's doing alright. It bugs me, not being able to play. Really. I kinda feel awkward in rehearsals, and I generally just don't know what to do with myself. The past few days I've been coming home and suddenly realize I have to practice, just to realize that my lack-of-bassoon and recent lack-of-wisdom-teeth prevent that. I can say that I kind of am enjoying the extra free time, not that I'm using it to do anything productive.

However, I'm not really looking forward to making a reed in front of my teacher tomorrow. She's going to point out things that I'm doing wrong. Which is good I guess...but still. I tend to be a little self-conscious about my reed making.

There's another depressing thought I could mention, but I'd rather not. Maybe if I have more time to think about it, and accept it, I'll be okay with it. That's what it was like last year, so maybe it'll happen again this year. Only this time I know what I'll be missing, which does make it harder.

My horoscope, according to somebody I trust: "Your emotions will fluctuate for a while, but you know just as well as anyone else that this is normal. You'll have some things you need to figure out, and you should get them over with sooner rather than later. Talk to people you need to, get that crap load of back to school homework out of the way and try to relax. You'll be stable faster than you can say 'supercalifragilistic'"

As a side note, why the 'expialidoscious' was left out, I'm not sure.

Anyways, I know that a lot of people don't take horoscopes seriously, and that they're even written so that they could apply to 90% of the population anyways. And it's not that I exactly believe them. I guess you could say I use them more to reflect on my life more then to tell me about my life.

So, the thing about the emotions I can easily understand. I don't think I've been emotionally stable since grade 10. So that's definitely no surprise.

About figuring things out...yeah, I know I should figure things out sooner rather than later. But I've also been really bad at the whole figuring things out thing. I mean, it's been, what, a year since all that crap started happening to me? And I'm still figuring things out. That's the kind of delay I have when figuring things out.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to re-evaluate who I am. Perhaps make a few changes. However, I have to remember that re-evaluating myself, and attempting to change, was what got me into a mess to start with.

Oh dear, it's mind-boggling to think of how I've changed. And how I'm probably still changing. Every once in a while I still find myself wondering if I can ever go back to the way I was. I guess not. But there are definitely more times then there used to be where I'm happy with who I am.

It's also slightly confusing...seeing as I don't really have a positive or negative view of this topic whenever I think about it now. I never really find I have a clear opinion...I just reflect. It's as if I'm my own outside view. It's kind of a scary thought...I've never been able to look at my own life without a strong opinion about it, be in positive or negative.

Maybe the best idea is just not to think about it too much. I'm sure as the year goes on I'll be given more things to think about, and stuff like this will eventually be pushed back. I'll figure it out then. Despite the fact that my horoscope says I should do it sooner. =P

As to talking to people I need to...yeah, I definitely need to do that. How can my life still seem to revolve around the same thing it did in grade 10? Even after all that happened? I swear, I don't think it's healthy. And even the thought of after high school, although university is exciting, is still scary, because I don't know what I'll do after that aspect of my life is suddenly not there. Will there be a way to keep in there in some small way?

*sigh* So many questions.

Everybody's been telling me I need to relax. And it's not really that I'm not relaxed, or that I'm stressed or anything. Well, okay, when it comes to music council planning camps, maybe just a little bit. But not as much as people may think. Or maybe I'm just unusually relaxed right now, so it doesn't seem as big a deal as it usually does during the day.

I could also go into a little shpeal about things that are important to you, and how some people assume that it's not a big deal, when it really is for you. I could. But that would also involve bringing up something that I still need some time to think about, so I think I'll let that thought alone for a while.

Looks like I'm about to have another issue to deal with here, so I think I'll leave for now. I'll hopefully blog more often, it really is enjoyable for me, although I'm sure half of you don't understand a thing I say here.

I love it when I can be there for my friends when they need it. I just hope I can actually be a help, and not just another person who doesn't understand.


"He's actually a nice guy. He does have a sense of humor. One day a bassist brought a telescope to rehearsal and used it to stare at him all rehearsal. And he laughed. He fired him, but he did laugh."

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