Aahh!!!

So, it's supposed to happen tomorrow. Remember when I explained the whole head shaving thing, and why it was good for me, and how I came to that decision, and how I have to go through with it now that I'm this far in?

I was wrong!! All wrong!

I can't do it! My hair is me. All me! It's all I have, other than the bracelets, and nobody even cares about those.

Aahh! Mark was walking down the hallway and he tugged my hair for a while because he said he'd never be able to do it again after tomorrow. For the past couple days, a lot of people have been playing with my hair.

They won't be able to do that after tomorrow! Tomorrow! What am I going to do? My hair is the only reason I ever get attention.

Yes, I'll admit it, I love attention. And my hair gets that for me.

Right now I'm Robyn-with-long-hair-in-braids-that's-so-lovable-and-cute. When all my hair's gone I'll barely even be Robyn, nevertheless cute and lovable!

My hair got me all my attention and recognition while I was in NYB. What would I have been without my hair? Just some dork with a bassoon!

Blah. I need to keep convincing myself that my appearance does not equal my identity. Or personality. Or myself as a person whatsoever.

I think.

Right?

When I think of Kelskie, I don't think blond hair and blue jeans. I think of how we've known each other for so long, how she can tell something's wrong even over msn, and how I can tell her anything and I know she won't judge me or tell anybody else.

When I think of any of my friends, I don't think of their appearance. When I think of Randall, I think of how she'll always help me when I'm stressing out, and how I can always talk to her.

The list goes on and on. I never think less of any of my friends based on their appearance. Heck, I hardly notice their appearance half the time. Honestly, who actually looked decent in their gown at grad? Nobody really looks good in gowns, they weren't meant to look good on people. I hardly noticed.

Do haircuts ever really make a big difference for me? No. I notice them the first day, think, cool, that's different, and then it just goes on.

Then why can't I help but think my status will go down once my hair's gone?

Of course I'm going to go through with it. I'm not backing out now. But as it gets closer, I do get more scared of it. Which is foolish, I know, you don't need to remind me.

Maybe if I just concentrate on things I have to get done, I won't even remember I'm doing it until tomorrow, when I'm there.

File, download, open.

~Calminaiel~

"I don't like you! I don't like either of you. I haven't liked her for years now."