Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What's what

Has it ever occurred to anybody that sometimes it's not always the 'why?' that matters, but more 'why not?'

So, every time somebody tried to talk about my hair, and how weird it must be without it, I always attempt to brush them off and make it seem like it's not a big deal.

Here's why.

Because it's not.

Here's why in more detail.

The biggest thing you have to understand is that I've been thinking about this for a year and a half. I didn't show up to school, hear about it, and go, well, maybe I'll do that. No no. This used to be a big deal for me, and I took a while to actually decide to go for it, as previously explained.

So first of all, it's not that weird because I was thinking about it for that long, and actually in a way looking forward to not having to deal with it. When you anticipate something for that long, you don't exactly spend a great deal of time thinking about how weird it is when it actually happens.

Also previously explained is how scared I was that I'd be somebody else once my hair was gone. That I'd be thought of less, or thought if differently. And so on and so forth, I'm pretty sure I talked about that.

See, the thing is, I'm not different. I realized that the second I stood up from my chair when they finished cutting it all off. I am exactly the same person. I don't feel...anything. I'm me. I was me with hair, and I'm still me now that it's gone.

I actually cannot believe it's only been a week since I got it all off. It feels like it's been so much longer, simply because as a person, I'm still the same.

So the main reason I shrug off conversations about how weird it must be without my hair, is because I don't find it weird at all. Yeah, I still find some old habits coming back, like because I put in my contacts I still flip my head to the side as if I still have hair to get out of my eyes. But that's pretty much it.

Yes, I realize I made a big deal out of it before. Because I was seriously worried that I would change a lot, or at least in the eyes of others. But I didn't. And as soon as I realized that, it suddenly didn't seem like such a big deal anymore. Yeah, my hair's gone. It's not like it's a limb.

And yes, I know it's ironic that when I was freaking out before, people would be like 'it's only hair' and I'd secretly hate them for saying it, because it was more than 'only hair' to me. And now here I am, more or less saying, it was only hair.

So there you go. All that isn't to say I hate it when people talk about my hair (or lack thereof) in general. I don't mind that at all. It's just when people start going into the whole 'it must be so weird, you must be so light headed...' etc, etc. Whatever.

And if anybody was wondering, the story I wrote in my last post has a song based on it. I played it at summer camp. It's really sad. I was listening to it that morning, and had a sudden urge to tell its story.


"I was wondering how I should let you know that I want to know exactly what happened. Then I figured, 'bluntly!'"

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