Sunday, July 13, 2008

Just when I thought I was better

I am currently sitting in my room, having just turned the lights on after watching a spectacular lightning show, with my laptop in front of me, listening to the rain still pelting the roof and the street.

I can definitely hear both the sound of the rain hitting the room, and the rain hitting the street. They are quite distinct from each other, and yet they still have a likeness that you wouldn't separate from each other unless you were really thinking about it.

I'm going to warn you right now. I'm not sure whether I am going to make sense this time around. If indeed, I ever really do make any sense. I actually spent ten minutes tonight even wondering whether I should blog or not.

I didn't really want to blog because, as stated above, I wasn't sure if it would even make sense to anybody. I also kind of want to talk about stuff that I definitely do not want to say in a blog. And I'm also in one of my moods where I feel like I have so much stuff going on in my head that it would be futile to attempt to organize and present all those things in an acceptable manner. What an acceptable manner is, I'm not sure. Interpret as you will.

Hm. Another stolen phrase. How interesting.

Except not, because my life is pretty much made up of stolen phrases.

Except that one in particular is interesting. Because it goes under the same category as so many of my stolen phrases.

I could overthink this concept to death, except I already know what it means, without any deep thinking or philosophic reason. It's simply that I deeply respect said person and it happens to be somebody who I've always wanted to be more like, or think on a similar level to. Part of my attempt of accomplishing that is stealing phrases.

Such is my life.

That's also something that I could think about. But I think I've gone off on a random subject enough for now. Where was I...let's get back on track, shall we?

I did want to blog because...well, why not, really. Which is my reason for doing many a thing, and I tend to highly resent the people who don't think that's a logical reason. Life would not be nearly as enjoyable were it solely made up of logic. It would be a more sensible place in many respects, but perhaps not always as enjoyable.

I can see various flaws in that theory, and yet still a few truths. I am in a thinking mood tonight, aren't I? I'll tell you what I'm really in the mood for: I really want to just go out with somebody and relax somewhere. Preferably under the stars, or by water, be it still or running, or perhaps even inside after a storm, as I am now. Those are usually the best times for thinking. For me. I want to relax with said somebody, and just think, and just say and explain everything I'm thinking, or dreaming, or believing in at the moment. I want to completely pour myself out there without any fears or doubts.

That's what I want to do.

And of course everybody who knows me really well is going, excuse me Robyn, you know what would really happen. You would sit down with said somebody, open your mouth to say all that, realize that your stupid brain can't find words to say all that, and then change the subject to something dumber and less deep and on a level of which you can actually find words for.

Maybe that's true. Maybe I want to try to get better with words. Maybe by sitting down and at least attempting to talk about all of that would help me become better.

Of course, said somebody would have to be willing to put up with a lot of pauses while I search through my mind for a way to say things. I'm not sure everybody likes to put up with that.

But again, I stray from my original point.

That is actually another reason why I wanted to blog. Because I am really in the mood to just explain myself fully, and put myself out there for the world, whether that be good or bad.

However, the downside to that is, I'm not prepared to do that on a blog. But at least I've put the thought out there, so everybody reading this will know that I was, at some point, prepared to do this. The chances that I'm prepared to do it the next time you see me are slim. But now you know that I do in fact have these moments.

For the last little while I've really wanted to just have a conversation with another dreamer. I walk around my house at night (for I generally think better when I walk or pace) and I go through all my thoughts, beliefs, and dreams, both night and day dreams. I think of things that other people may find ridiculous, but I find wonderful. I believe in things that can't possibly be real, and yet I still believe in them.

And I find myself wondering if anybody else does this. Sometimes I feel all alone in my strange world, and it seems like everybody around me is a realist.

I don't know if I'd rather be a realist or not. Maybe I'd get more done. Maybe I'd actually start focusing on what's really important, instead of living in my own little world all the time.

Would I enjoy life as much? I don't know yet.

The little voice in my head who always seems to know the real reason I do things, even if I don't know them, is telling me that I'm writing this for a very specific person.

I know. I'm not even going to try to argue that fact. The chances of them reading this? Slim. The chances of them knowing this if I never even put it out there? None. It's a start, right?

And after a little talking on msn I believe I've been pulled out of my 'put myself out there' mood. Now I'm just me. And my mind is beginning to fail at thinking of things to write on my blog.

Which is probably for the best. This is long enough as it is.

I need to start hanging out with my friends more. That always keeps me out of this mood.

Anyways, I'm going to end this, because if I attempt to keep going I'll just end up going in circles. You've had your daily dose of Robyn's mind, which is probably more than you wanted anyways.

If you're wondering what I do during these phases of mine, I generally pace around the house, running through conversations with my various selves and playing scenarios I've made up for myself in my head.

Along with other things. But those have their own time and place to be explained, and it is neither now, nor here.


"Did you guys take the dogs for a walk?"
"Nope. The ice cream man came to our house today."

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