Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I have quite a lot I'd like to blog about today. Today was a good day. First, I'll start with what I've been meaning to blog about for...well, quite a while now.

For everybody who hasn't heard, I just broke the news today. Well, except for my parents, I told them last night. Anyways, big news: I'm shaving my head for cancer. June 4th. Very exciting, I know.

There's been a lot of questions about how I came to this conclusion, so I figured I'd just write it all down here, and then refer to it, because honestly, I don't want to go through this entire story every time I'm asked. I actually don't think it's really as long or exciting as I'm making it out to be...I told Ryley today, and I'm sure he was like 'well, that's a big build up for a whole lot of nothing' but oh well. It's a big deal for me. And, if nobody else, I know Kelsk knows that.

Anyways, it started half way through grade 11. Basically when I was going through my whole break-up thing. Rebecca had shaved her head around that time, and I was talking to her one time when she mentioned she did it because she really needed a change. I thought to myself, that's a good idea, that'd be a good thing for me to do, since I also feel like I need a change. But, to be honest, my hair is really my safety blanket. One of the biggest ones I have, I think. And the one that I've had the longest. So I decided against that idea, but I did happen to store it away in my mind. File, save. As Ryley...or Adam...put it. I can't remember which one.

Later that year Christine cut her hair really short. She told me that she would have shaved it, but her parents didn't want her to. That sparked more thoughts in my mind, and I began to wonder if I would want to do that at the end of high school. I mean, I'd be going into a new environment, with a little bit of a chance to create a new image for myself, so what better way to start than rid myself of something I've been leaning on for the past few years? File, save.

Through summer that thought remained there, undecided upon, but certainly not ignored. I pretty much just pondered on it, and by the time grade 12 started, I was fairly sure that I was going to do it.

So this whole past year I haven't been considering whether to do it, so much as I've been waiting for it to finally come. I've had relapses various times. I've wanted to chicken out. These feelings weren't so seriously throughout the year as they were in the week before I actually had to sign up to do it.

Maybe the decision would have been easier if I hadn't just come back from somewhere where my hair had acted exactly as the safety blanket it is. At NYB I got a bunch of attention for my hair, which is exactly the reason I've hesitated shaving it. I like things that make me different in a crowd of people, and my hair has always done that for me. I'll admit, I am a little afraid that by losing my hair, I'll lose something that gets me a little more attention as an individual.

However, I don't go almost a year and a half thinking about something, and then not do it. By the time May rolled around, I knew that if I didn't do it, I probably wouldn't trust myself again for a long time. If I have only a few seconds to wind myself up for something and then I chicken out...well, I can usually live with that. But winding myself up for an entire year, and then dropping out at the last moment? No. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.

So here we are. I'll be honest with you, going into this whole thing, I was thinking about me. I'm doing this for me. I didn't even remember that this whole shaving thing was actually helping people with cancer until I was reading the information package for the pledge sheets. But, as Kelsk put it, a lot of people doing this haven't had their hair this length, for this long. Yes, I'm really happy I'll be helping people with this. But at the same time, this is for me.

There we go. June 4th, it'll be all gone. I'll be expecting Kelsk to hold my hand the whole time. I still get kind of scared when I think of how it'll be gone, but it'll be good for me. Whenever I looked at it logically, I totally wanted it gone. It takes at least an extra hour to deal with when I shower, when I'm lazy I don't feel like showering because I'll have to deal with it, it just gets in the way, etc...Really, it's only the emotional aspect of it that's holding me back in any way. But now I've jumped in headfirst. (haha, headfirst, head shaving...)

Bonus question: I've named my biggest safety blanket here. 10 extra points if you can name my second biggest safety blanket I have. No extra points for Miranda, since she already guessed it, and none to Adam or Ryley, because I already told them.

Once you get that one, I'll go over some of my smaller safety blankets. Especially the one that many people guess first, and yet I've never actually considered it one. At least, as not as big as these other ones.

Alright, change of subject. File, save, send. File, new document.

I looked in the mirror this afternoon, and it was one of those times that I thought of everybody who's ever said I was cute, or beautiful, or anything like that...and I truly believed them. It's an awesome feeling.

You know what else is an awesome feeling? Looking back in you're life and knowing that you wouldn't change anything, because you're happy with who you are and where you are.

I'm saying this, not only because I really do feel it right now, because also because I kind of want to spite my uncle's little speech in the kitchen. I was talking about Randall, who's going into linguistics, and he's all like, 'why? what point is there in doing that? she'll never be able to do anything with that.' to which I replied, 'why not? because she can, and it's what she wants to do, leave her alone.'

My uncle can be a pretty cool guy, but at the same time, sometimes I really do believe he has the wrong view about life. After we made that point, he went on to talk about degrees, and how you need a good one to actually make money and whatnot and so forth, etc. Not things that I really want to go over. The only good thing is that this conversation happened when I'm in a particularly good mood, and therefore it didn't upset me all that much.

Anyways, at some point my mom asked that if he could go back and change anything, would he really? And he replied wholeheartedly that he would. Which is a depressing thought, I think. I'm not sure I could live with myself, knowing that I want to go back and change what I've done. I had to live with that feeling for only a couple months, and I was miserable. The day I realized that I was happy with who I was, and I wouldn't want to change it is counted among one of the greatest days of my life. I have to wonder if my uncle really does believe he would change, and if so, how he lives with himself.

This conversation also made me think that my uncle's quality of life kind of spins around money. Or at least that's how he makes it out to be. He doesn't seem to be a fan of careers that don't offer a lot of money, aka, music and fine arts, aka, the exact careers that both me and my brother are planning to go into.

But you know what? That doesn't bother me all that much. You know why? Because I have wonderful parents who fully accept the fact that maybe I won't ever be among the wealthiest of people, but they know that I'll always do what will make me happy. I love hearing my dad, or my mom, talk about how happy I am doing what I'm doing, even though both of us know that it might not ever make me a lot of money. That's okay with me. I'm pretty sure I'll never be poor. Many musicians in the world are doing perfectly fine doing just music, and many of them are performers, not all teachers. I'm not worried, and I'm glad that my parents aren't either. I'm also eternally grateful that my parents have accepted the fact that I may be living at home for the next few years...=)

File, save, send. File, new document, new title.

A Tribute.

He's always reliable.

He'll always help you as well as he possibly can.

He'll give you the respect you deserve, if you'll do the same for him.

He always gives a downbeat and cues that you can depend on.

I love the funny little winks he'll give before, during, or after a solo.

I love the little smile he gives when we've done something well...or, alternatively, awful.

I love the funny faces he'll make when we mess up, or when something else eventful happens.

When the CBE were filming today, I'd see him conducting, and every once in a while, he'd just give a little glance towards the camera guy. It gave me this sudden vision in my head of a dog, with puppies. The dog will let people go in and see the puppies, and play with them and whatnot, but he's always watchful, and ready to step in if anything's wrong, or if the puppies need him.

I'm not sure why this came to mind. It's not like he had any reason to feel he needed to protect us from this camera guy or anything. But still. Just the comparison in my head made me want to smile.

Have you ever felt like a wave of pure positive emotion, be it joy, love, or anything else, simply wash over you? I love that feeling. It happened a few times today.

Today was such a good day.

Ooh! File, save. File, new document.

I just remembered another topic I meant to bring up.

Have you ever thought you knew somebody, and then you suddenly find out something that completely opposes what you thought you knew?

I've only ever really had two emotions connected with this event. One is the feeling of disappointment. Either you're sad that you really didn't know them that well, or sad because of how much they've changed since you really knew them.

However, the other emotion isn't negative. I'm not really sure whether I should call it a positive emotion, but it's certainly not negative. I'm not even sure if there's a single word to use to describe it. Excitement? Anticipation? I don't know.

It's the feeling that now there's this whole new side of them for you to discover. The feeling that by discovering this new side, you'll become closer, and better friends.

There's something about me that likes discovering different sides to people. Maybe it's because, when I'm around people I don't know, whether it's in the crowded hallways or on the bus, or anywhere, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there's so much about these people that I don't know. I'm probably already judging most of them, based on their appearance, or apparent attitude, but really, I know nothing about them, and there could be so much more to them than what I see. And it's amazing to me that I'm the same way to them. To them, I'm just another face, and they know nothing about me.

Now, I know the only reason this probably seems amazing to me is because I have no idea what it's like to know nothing about me, since I know more about me than anybody else does. I'm not going to say I know everything about me. I'm very aware that there are some aspects of me, and my mind, and my way of thinking, that just doesn't make sense. And trying to figure it out has just sent me in circles, and I've gone spiraling down into a whirlpool of thoughts and questions until I'm drowning, and the only way to save myself is to stop trying to reach the answers I'm looking for, which lay at the bottom of the water, and return to the surface, without ever even catching a glimpse of what those answers may be, sitting at the bottom in some barnacle covered chest, as all sea treasure is.

I'm certain that I've been this blog probably five times longer than it needs to be, by attempting to cover at least five different subjects in one night. But it needed to be done, and now it is.

Forgive me, for I will be using a quote from a week ago, but I still find it amusing. That, and I don't feel like attempting to remember a good one from today, although there are many.

Wait. File, cut. Correction: I don't feel like writing a quote from today, because all the good quotes from today come from the two sex talks I had, one with Aidan and Kelsk, and one with Ryley and Adam. They were so good. I'm not gonna lie, I find sex a great topic of conversation. There is no such thing as too much sex in a conversation.

Have you ever known somebody who, no matter how long you've been talking, at the end, when you both have to go your separate ways, you always end up feeling like you didn't say as much as you wanted? Or that you've both still left topics undiscussed that you would love to talk about?

I can't figure out if this is a good, or a bad, feeling. Bad, because than no matter how much you hang out, you'll always leave with a sense of regret that it's over, which is bound to put a little bit of bad taste on an otherwise awesome time. But also good, because that's got to mean that no matter how much you hang out together, you'll never run out of things to talk about. And that's a good thing, yes?

Hm. Seems like I may have stumbled onto yet another topic that is better left unthought about, lest I fall into the giant whirlpool of unanswerable questions.

My spell-check is telling me that 'unthought' isn't a word, but I think it sounds good where it is, so I shall leave it. And let all the english majors and grammar freaks who read this have their own little heart attack.

I said I was going to leave quite a while ago. Now I actually have too, as it's 10:49, and I have yet to start that physics lab that's due tomorrow.


"You want to know why I had trouble getting my tie off? Halfway through taking off our sweaters to sexy music, I realized that my father was watching this."

1 comment:

Melda said...

Okay, so wow. That' I don't think I could ever shave my head, and you have a lot more hair than I do :) *high-fives*

I really enjoyed this blog post, and while I do plan to be an English major, I think I may find myself using 'unthought' sometime. Hehe.

So I've decided we need to talk more. We really do, it feels like there's so much neither of us knew about when we finally get together. And now you're graduating you shall have to tell me about the big scary world of university :)