Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Riding the roller coaster again

Today has been one wide range of emotions, it makes it hard to believe it's was only one day and not an entire week.

There were various times today when I was really not a people person. And I think those times were fairly obvious. Basically whenever I was surrounded by people.

I had moments of freaking out, mainly when I was trying to understand course registration and it really wasn't working out for me. But afterwards at the university I mostly figured it out. I might call tomorrow and ask a few more questions, but I think for the most part I'm good. As long as I can figure out what I want to take for options...

And then I had that weird detached feeling I get sometimes. Where I do have clear feelings on things, but I'm almost not letting those feelings get in the way of my rational thought. It feels so bizarre, since it doesn't happen that often.

It's one of those moments where I can look at myself, and I know exactly how I feel about something, and I'm not trying to tell myself not to think that, or blaming myself, or making myself feel guilty about feeling that way. I simply know that's how I feel, and whether it's right, wrong, good, or bad, that's how it is.

My thoughts are too scattered, and any attempt for me to capture all of them long enough simply wouldn't work. Like trying to capture individual butterflies all in the same net.

That thought makes me happy.

However, I don't understand this whole stomach thing. This shouldn't be happening. Why is this happening? I'm not sure what it means. I don't want to say any more about it. It's my little secret, and until I figure out what it means, I'd rather not say. Maybe I never will. Maybe it's one of those things in life that I have to accept without fully understanding. And without ever telling anybody. People misinterpret things all to often, and I definitely don't want that to happen to me.

My eyes have been drawn to one particular butterfly, and no matter how other ones may flutter by, they're only an attempt to distract me from the one I'm watching.

Am I trying to be somebody, or is this me?


"I'm currently fearing for my friend's sanity, especially in light of her sudden, drastic mood swings."

1 comment:

rachel shea said...

always remember, dear;
sometimes it's heartburn, not heartbreak.

love, rae