Monday, April 28, 2008

Flying with no strings attached

I love the feeling.

I don't love the feeling of being pathetic, although by now I really should be used to it. I was totally mooching for a ride home today. Like, not even in a subtle way. In a 'drive me home!' way. Rae, Chloe, both Ransons...I felt kinda bad. And I had almost made up my mind to spend the time and energy required to take the bus, when Ryley conveniently finished packing up at that time. And so I took one last desperate pathetic plea, and Ryley, being the kind and gentle soul that he is, drove me home.

Which I really appreciated, and now I'm attempting to make a deal with myself not to be a pathetic mooch and suck it up, rather than going around begging for rides. I should have thought of that before I decided to wait until grade 12 to get my learners. =P

Of course, making deals with myself doesn't always work. The voice in my head that reminds me to be a good person tends to take long coffee breaks...

Not like good ol' Fred who's always in there, counting away for me. A part of him dies every time we play the beginning of RU Chicken, since two beats mysteriously disappear, and so far I seem to be the only person who's noticed this. It bugs the heck out of me, and Fred, but if the big T. Wats doesn't seem to mind, then maybe I'm wrong. But Fred doesn't think so.

Sometimes I wish I could think on my feet more, and that I was better with words. But oh well.

Sometimes I wish I understood people more than I really do. There's always new things I'm discovering about people that remind me that I really don't know anybody as well as I like to think I do. Even people I think I'm closest to. Is it that I never knew them that well? Or are we just constantly changing, to the point that I don't even realize it until it hits me how much has actually changed?

The only comforting thought to that, is maybe I'm the same way to other people. It's a strange thought for me, simply because it's easy to imagine not knowing a lot about somebody else, but it's hard to me to imagine not knowing about me. Personally, I tend to feel like when I'm talking to somebody, they know everything about me. When they don't. There's a lot more to me than the rest of the world knows, save for a few people. I just always tend to forget that.

It's slightly comforting to think that, although I may think that everybody else in the world thinks on a deeper level than me, maybe there are people out there who think the same about me.

Does that make sense? I don't care. It does to me.

Today for some reason the fullness of summer hit me. I don't know why. It's not summer yet. There's a perfectly good chance that it may even snow again (or a couple times) before summer actually comes (knock on wood). All the snow hasn't melted, the ground is wet, the grass is brown, nothing has really started to grow again. But for some reason, sitting in the band room this morning, the joy of the coming summer just swept onto me, and I was caught up in it for most of the day.

Summer has this one emotion attached to it. I can't explain what it is. Every year something different happens. New friends, getting ditched, feeling accepted, finding love, getting dumped, settling in, going in over your head...whatever it is. Something always happens in the year and I always find myself getting caught up in a whole web of emotions, that I often can't even figure out for myself. Some are old emotions, some are new, some are simply forgotten ones that come back to me. But every year when summer comes back I get this same feeling.

Relief? Happiness? Escape? Invincibility? Weightlessness? I don't even know what to use to describe it.

It's the feeling that I'll finally be able to take my life back into my control. The feeling that I can finally create my own direction and nothing can stop me. The feeling of waking up in the morning and deciding what to do, and then doing it, and yet ending up in a completely different place then what you thought of that morning. The feeling of laying in the yard under the stars, thinking about everything, and nothing, all at the same time. Knowing that whatever has happened, has happened, and there's nothing you can do about it. Knowing that whatever will happen, will happen, and it'll come in it's own time. Knowing that what's happening now is what matters, and is all that should matter.

That's what summer reminds me of. If there was one word to describe the various feelings that come with all of that, I would use it. But maybe there's not.

Summer Dances. I really like that song. That comes really close to describing it. Not only the music itself, but I remember feeling the same way I feel during summer while I was playing that piece.

And now I drag myself from that blissful place of memories and wishes to reality, where I have to get everything done this week since I'm going to be away all of next week.

I agree that we should enjoy ourselves. I can't believe that we're here to work all the time. I wish we had more talks together. I love one-on-one talks. They make my day.


"Should I be worried that there are pictures of me on the internet?"

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