Monday, February 12, 2007

Contradicting myself all over again

Today was interesting. I jumped around a lot.

This morning I had decided that I might actually be getting used to being part of the wall. Which isn't exactly a happy thought. It's more depressing now then it was this morning...I can't believe I'm actually getting used to this again.

After that was slightly better. He was showing that I exist, and he actually smiled at me, which he hasn't done forever. So I was really happy for a while. Then I heard that he (and she) said something, and I'm not quite sure how to take it. At the moment, I feel really out of it, like I'm oblivious to some huge hilarious thing, that I'm not going to like, but everybody else is going to find amusing. Not a great feeling. Maybe I'll ask Kelskie about it.

Anyways, that kinda didn't help the rest of my day. Physic's lasted forever, and I really didn't care about anything he was saying. French was much the same, only kinda worse, because I practically became invisible again. Well, only to one person, but most of you know what I mean.

It's weird, in grade 10 I'd've done anything for him to look at me, and now I just want him out of my life. I talked to Kelskie. The news wasn't good. It was pretty much just as I'd feared. I could curse a lot here, but that might not be good...instead, if you'd like to hear my wave of curses, talk to me. Otherwise, use your imagination.

Suddenly I've lost all interest in this post. In the car today I was thinking about how I was feeling. It was full of contradictions. Wondering if I could be pessimistic and optimistic at the same time. If I could both love and hate at the same time. Want to go back, and yet want to move forward. Other various things. Now I'm neither pessimistic or optimistic, I'm definitely hating right now, and I don't care whether I move forward or back, as long as I can punch a certain somebody in the face.

Thank the Lord for my friends. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. Promise me I won't turn invisible to you too. I've put my trust into two people who've said they still wanted to be friends, and apparently in reality they don't care that much. So please don't let me put my trust into you only to be ripped apart again.

Whatever. I have to do english homework. Not that I'm going to get that done anytime soon anyways, but I might as well start the attempt.

Henry says he hates it when I'm unhappy. I do too, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. Last year I could just focus on a good thing, and I'd be perfectly happy again. Now I'm at the mercy of my emotions. I guess that's partly because my good thing is now going out with one of my best (?) friends.

Sorry for lack of Spain story / picture.


"Believe me do I."

1 comment:

Corey de Baat said...

you will never ever be invisble to me!!!