Some random thoughts

In approximately 24 hours, Ryley will be on stage for the Junos. I'll be on stage in a church, getting payed to play a concert.

I'm really excited for him. It's so awesome. Plus, it makes me practically famous. =)

Last night I found it only slightly depressing. He's doing that amazing thing, and here I am. In need of reeds. My teacher telling me to play better. Attempting to make time to practice and mostly failing.

Then I found out that I can't even watch him because I've got a concert to play. I'm getting paid for it, but still. So I'm definitely not happy about that. That's even more depressing than the previous thought.

But just 2 minutes ago (almost exactly) I realized what I first said here. At almost the same time, we'll be in separate places, but still doing what we love to do, and making our place in the world with it.

This is the kind of thought I'd like to expand on, but I can't do with within the next half an hour (which is about all I have), and try to get ready to do homework at the same time. So I'll reserve a space in my head for this thought and ponder it later.

As a side note, parents should not be allowed to criticize their children's friends. In general, it's dangerous to criticize people, unless you're absolutely sure that the person you're talking to agrees with you. Why does it seem like I'm always put in the position of talking to someone who ends up criticizing somebody I happen to be friends with, in one way or another?

Also, I love when people respond to a cry for help. Even a little tiny one. And even if it's not doing anything more than letting you know that they've seen your cry for help. Even that makes a little difference. Thanks Hales.

I really really want to keep thinking about the above thought, even though the only significance it would have would be obscure, and probably only make sense to me. But still. Anyways, I know I have limited time, and I'm really bad at expanding thoughts in limited time. I just end up going over the same things in my head and trying to force something out of it, which never really works.

Wish me luck on all the various things I have to get done before Monday.

~Calminaiel~

"1...2...3...3...3...24...47...5...6..."

Ups and downs

Today wasn't so much about ups and downs, but rather one big up, one giant down, and then gradually going back up again. Not quite dramatic as the title may suggest.

This morning started out great. After wind ensemble, of course. If I'm ever feeling 'great' at 7:30 in the morning, kill me, because I'm obvious an impostor who's kidnapped the real me somewhere dark and cold with little food or water.

I think the only reason I had so much energy was because of the massive band we were joining for the Junos. Which was fun. But more about that later.

So, first period, went out with Chloe and Rae to Phil's for breakfast. Yummy, although now I have exactly 6 cents in cash. So, naturally, after that we went to Starbucks. And, naturally, I resorted to my debit card. =P

Second period, figured out some piano stuff for Rae and Gaby. Mostly just hung out with Henry, Kelsk, Aidan, and eventually Chelsea in the band room.

PS: I found out something amazing during tutorials. Earth-shattering almost. In a good way. It made me really happy, I can't lie.

A few times today I've found myself opening up to people, on random subjects that I would normally reserve for only a few close people. Is this a good thing, or a band thing? I'm not sure.

Mass band: so much fun. Slightly chaotic, but not as much as I expected. Out of all the schools there, there were 14 bassoons. And six of us were from Abe. Go us. To be honest, they really weren't very talkative, except this one girl who smiled a lot, and another adorable grade 9 who seemed really keen. She had the whole Weissenborn study book photocopied, and was playing through it. And she doesn't even take lessons. She's awesome. I think her name was Vanessa. She's so cute. And tiny. I love her.

After that was suddenly became amazingly tired. Choir was frustrating. I basically couldn't sing anything above an F or so. Probably because I was screaming and yelling and stuff at mass band. But oh well. I'll live.

Afterwards, when the parents came in the for meeting, I kinda had a scary panic attack. There were parents coming through the door, and kids trying to get out, and me, Rae, and Gaby trying to get to the practice room, and there were people everywhere bumping into other people, and stumbling, and closing in...it was really horrible.

The practice room was a little better, although people kept wanting to come in and listen, and I really wasn't in the mood to have even more people in a small room. But they were really quiet, so I was able to face away from them while playing piano, and just imagine that it was only me, Rae and Gaby in the room, which helped a little.

It's also frustrating how I want to help those two so much, but their audition comes in kind of an impossible time for me. So we've kinda talked about how we can work our way around this, and I really hope everything comes out alright.

Afterwards, there were still too many people in the band room, including chairs and any assortment of other general stuff lying around. I had a really huge personal bubble at this point, which is kinda rare for me. So I was in a really bad mood. I kinda talked to Stephen about it, mostly just because he asked what was going on, and because he was keeping a suitable distance away from me. =P

My mom also thought I was mad at her, and when we got home she tried to apologize again, and insist that it was no big deal, and I kinda blew up at her, simply because she assumed I was fuming at her, when really I was just still shaken up by the whole crowd thing. But after that they left me alone, and she and Graham had to go to a rehearsal, and my Dad had to go to some county Juno party thing, so I had the whole house to myself. Which really helped. Along with the shower. I'm better now.

I also got to play some piano today, which I haven't done in a while. That was nice.

Sometimes, I feel like I need someone just to tell me when to stop talking. At the time it always seems fine, but after the conversation, I find myself thinking...should I have really told them that? Really? And then I kinda want to tell somebody else about that, but then I'm not sure if I really want to bring it up again...and blah. Oh well.

~Calminaiel~

"He's my gay almost-boyfriend."

An ongoing thought

Something I've had in my head for the past couple weeks, and yet every night I've sat at the computer and gone, naw, I have nothing to blog about. And then next day, in the middle of the day, I'll remember. And by the time I'm at my computer, I'm thinking I have nothing to blog about. So here you go.

It's been occurring to me lately how much we judge people. Everybody in general. Even the nicest person in the world judges people every day, I'm sure. And I do it so much. I've only been realizing this lately.

Think about it. Some girl will walk by, and you'll go, 'how can she wear that?' or 'does she seriously need that much makeup?' Recently I've discovered that every time I see a girl in the bathroom at school doing makeup or anything really in front of a mirror, I want to roll my eyes, and I immediately think, typical high school girl. And you know, there's probably more to her than I know. (I do say probably...there's always the chance at high school that there actually isn't any more...that's high school for you.)

Anyways, it's just be incredible how much I've discovered I judge other people, without knowing anything about them at all. People probably do the same to me.

But you know why that doesn't bother me so much? Because all those people I judge every day, I only have that one passing thought, and then I usually never think about them again. Ever.

This has no real point to it. But this is my blog, so I don't care. =P

Yes Randall, Rascal Flatts was amazing. To be honest though, I really did like their last show better. But I think that's probably mostly because I knew all their songs last year, and this year they played a lot off their new album, which I haven't heard. But I think they also played more up-beat songs last year. Oh well. It was still a good show. And the guy beside us was actually pretty funny.

And...I suppose that's my story for the night. I seem to recall having another tip for guys in my head, but I can't remember it now.

PS...I forgot how much I really like flirting...especially if the guy is willing to flirt back. Does that make me pathetic?

Either way...I really don't care. =P

And by the way, I have the coolest grandma ever. Memory from November. Good times.

~Calminaiel~

"Hey, you can't hit on my almost-girlfriend."
"Do you mind if I hit on you?"
"Nope."

Talking to Paul

Because apparently that's worth blogging about. =)

Blah. On one hand, I really just want to spill about how much stuff I have to do, and how I haven't been doing all of it. But I really don't have the effort to type it all out right now. Or to think about it at all, really.

I've been finding it really hard to concentrate on one thing at a time, which is partly why I haven't blogged much lately. Or done homework. Or practiced. Or done anything really. How do I fix this?

~Calminaiel~

"I liked a girl, so I punched her, and I got in trouble. So I served my detention, and then punched the principle, and got taken back to the office."

Anonymous scenes

(at first, attempted to be put in chronological order, but that plan was soon abandoned)

"A smart person would put this down and just enjoy the rest of the party..."
"You're not a smart person."

"Starting early, are we?"

"That doesn't actually have any in it."
"It has bananas."
"That's not exactly the same."
"But it has bananas."

"I know! Carina, I have this hair..."
"It's Carissa."
"Yeah, Carissa, this hair that just doesn't grow for years and it's never grown!"

"If I hadn't had this much to drink, I probably wouldn't be laying on top of you like this."

"Because only your lower half is inside the hula hoop, only your lower half will be included in the three-some."

"I'm lion hunting!"

"Noo! We're locked in the bathroom! Help!"

"I'm not putting a fish on my head. I haven't had that much to drink yet."

"I do have self control! If somebody asked me for sex right now, I would say no!"

"So, remember when I said I might be on my way?"
"Are you there?"
"I'm kinda there..."

"Hey guys! I got laid twice!"

*dancing with a hula hoop*

*singing and suddenly forgetting the words to the next verse, and abruptly stopping*

"Was there any silliness at this party?"
"What kind of silliness?"
"Drinking silliness."
"Yeah, there was a little."
"Alright, that's good."
"...Apparently I'm really funny..."
"I'm proud of you."

These stories are much more amusing in person. Ask me about them sometime. It's a pretty good laugh. I apologize if you were looking for a really good laugh here. I suddenly found I was kinda reluctant to post too many details here. =P

~Calminaiel~

"So, how did you feel when you woke up this morning?"

Searching for a meaning

It occurred to me the other day in rehearsal that it doesn't really matter what the down beat does, because if the off beats don't cooperate, nothing's going to happen. The off-beats have the real control over the tempo. The actual beats are reacting to the off-beats, rather than the other way around.

I feel like this should relate to life in some metaphorical way, but I'm not sure how.

I had other significant thoughts at some point, but they're escaping me at the moment.

I like to be creative.

~Calminaiel~

"Death by condom!"

Stop the madness...

I really should learn to blog before I read everybody else's blog. I always read other blogs first, and by the time I'm done, I'm not in the mood to blog anymore.

Anyways, I figure I should really start publishing my tips to guys that I've made. I know I make it seem like I've got dozens, but I know I'll only be able to think up a couple right now. But I'll publish more of them as they come out. I figure it's important stuff that needs to be heard.

Tips for guys #1) If you're at a social event of some sort (dance, party, whatever) and there's dancing / a dance floor, or anything of the sort...if you see a girl standing alone somewhere kinda watching the dance floor...please just ask her to dance. It really doesn't matter much who you are, or who she is, just do it. Chances are she's standing alone because she's thinking there might be a better chance of being asked to dance if she's not surrounded by all of her friends. And she probably won't be staring directly at the dance floor, because that would seem all too obvious, and she really doesn't want to seem desperate or anything. So please, just ask her to dance. It'll take probably a total of 3 minutes of your night, and it'll go a long way to making her night awesome. How do I know this? I've been that girl.

Tips for guys #2) Try not to take things so personal all the time. I know girls do it often and everything. It happens. But sometimes it doesn't hurt to just keep quiet and let things blow over. Good example: breaking up. I know we tend to go to all our friends, and call you a jerk, until we've got practically the whole world against you . Maybe you did a bad job of breaking up, and we've just got some really hard feelings. Maybe you did absolutely nothing wrong, and we're just freaking out. Either way, here's how I see it: usually after a break up, there are two things that we're thinking. One of them is how much of a jerk you are. The other thought is 'how in the world could I have screwed that up?' Believe me, it's hard to think of something that made life so wonderful, ending because we screwed up. It's not a pleasant thought, and it doesn't make life any easier for us. So I know it's not fair to you guys, but honestly, it makes our life so much bearable to blame it all on you for a while, so we don't have blame ourselves. Eventually we'll take a step back. We'll look at it from different angles, we'll see things we didn't notice before. Chances are we won't hate you forever. So just give us a little grace period just to help us out a bit. Okay?

Of course, that doesn't apply if you really were a jerk. But that is an entirely different story, one that would take way too long to explain here, as being a jerk is really a relative term, and considering who's point of view you see things from, it complicates things quite a bit. So, as one would say is physics, for this equation to work, you must assume there is no actual acting like a jerk in this system. Also assume no friction. And no gravity, just to be on the safe side.

Well, I think that was a pretty good subject for a blog tonight. And seeing as I went to bed at 3:30 in the morning last night, I think I'll be off right now, and hopefully catch up on a little bit of sleep, so I might not fall asleep in rehearsals tomorrow.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm like pimp. Only a girl. What do you call a girl pimp?"
"...Prostitute?"
"Excuse me? That's it, no sex for you tonight."

Rum and coke make my fingers moveable

Sometimes I just can't get over how good life is. Those are always good days.

And then something gets thrown at you to distract you from that thought.

But it'll come back. It always does. Those random moments where you suddenly feel full to the brim with joy, and you just feel like laughing for no particular reason. Usually these moments come at inopportune times, like during rehearsal or something. But no matter. It's almost better that way. Joy can be shared between friends anytime. It's something else to be experiencing it, and be forced to share it through other means, be it music, or silently wishing the best for everybody around you.

And let's all wave goodbye as Robyn's train of thought vanishes into the horizon.

Just when I thought our drama was over. I should've known life wouldn't let us get away that easily. Apparently our lives were lacking excitement.

But it could be worse. We can deal with this, and hopefully no lives will be drastically changed in the process.

Not that that's always a bad thing, but still.

~Calminaiel~

"Buy chocolates!!"
"Woah, calm down, I actually need all the information. What is this?"
"Buy chocolates!!"
"How much?"
"Three dollars!!"
"Where?"
"Everywhere!!"
"From who?"
"Everybody!!"
"When?"
"All the time!!"

L'ecole

I've just finished doing some stuff for our english project. I really feel kinda bad about this project, because I don't feel like I've done much for it. But I've tried to help explain them in our written part as best as I can, so.

Not much new is going on right now. Feelings of excitment, disappointment, inspiration, desperation, confusion, anger, happiness, blissfulness...etc. Just about a little bit of everything. As life always is, so as I said, nothing new.

I went to Guys With Ties last night, which was so great. I really do love all of them. They put on a great show. They're one of those groups that can bring out so many different emotions during a show, which is exactly what music should do to you. I'm sure the personal emotional aspect helped bring all those out, but nevertheless. What works, works.

They're all just really great musicians, and I really hope I can have their...dedication, attitude...whatever it is that makes them tick...someday. I don't think I'm there yet.

I forgot to add worry to the above list of emotions. That's also one.

How can I feel like I'm ready for university when other people who are so much more amazing than I am feel that they're not?

People change, times change, lives change...it's how things work. Sorry Gatsby, but I tried the whole living in the past thing, and it doesn't work. But that doesn't mean you have to forget it altogether. That's no fun at all.

Abstract is the way to go. I like it. I often wonder if I think people are really thoughtful, and deep thinkers and such, when really they're just abstract and my ever-changing mind just assumes there's a deeper level of thought there than there realy is.

I'm no good at this life business. Not lately anyways.

Music. Music so thick you can practically see it. It flows through you, and you swim in it, taking it all in and giving everything you can back, which in reality seems like nothing, but you know better than that. Feeling more attatched and connected than ever before. Amrs reaching out and taking you in, not holding you down, but setting you free by holding tighter and tighter. Complete abandonment of real thoughts. What is now matters, what has past is gone, and what is yet to come should not be worried about. It doesn't matter where people are, only how they are doing. Being connected no matter what happens.

I still can't believe how this just appeared before my eyes. Like, I seriously didn't see it coming. It just hit me in the fact one day. I'm not against it at all, on the contrary, I really like it. I still just can't believe how stuff like that can just kinda be there one day, and then the next day be as obvious as anything can be.

Yesterday from 1:00 to 2:00 was the most useful I've felt in a while. It was a good feeling. I mean, not in the situation, but it was nice to feel useful again.

~Calminaiel~

"Steve the Lion's kinda dying...we'll tie him to Elliot, he'll keep him up."

This post is brought to you by...

C is for cookie
That's good enough for me
C is for cookie
That's good enough for me
C is for cookie
That's good enough for me,
Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C

The letter C.

And...

The number 12.

~Calminaiel~

"I can't kiss Elliot now. So if he comes over, you have to remind me that I can't kiss him."

What can I say?

'Tis the question of the night, it seems.

I'm so thankful for physics homework. I won't lie. Spending the whole first semester doing social and french homework, I forgot what it was like to just sit down and get homework done. Social and french homework...and english too, really...just gets me depressed, and then I can't think, and I'm always wondering if what I'm saying is right, or if it's making sense, etc. But with physics, everything is just so straightforward, I can just sit down, look at it, and it's done within the hour. I love it. I love physics.

And I love figuring out problems, especially all on my own. Well, I shouldn't say that. I was working it out with Randall. But still. Going from having absolutely no clue what to do, to finding exactly the right answer is a pretty good feeling. I enjoyed it.

I also enjoyed the feeling of talking about physics on the phone, and the majority of the family in the house probably not really having a clue what I was talking about. I won't lie, it was an amusing thought.

I'm also not in the best mood tonight. It's mostly because of my dad. Well, actually it's completely because of my dad.

Not that I'll blame him entirely, I guess. I know it's me too. It's my stupid angsty teenager side, with all its hormones, that acts up and gets irritated and annoyed at anything anybody says to me. At least, that's what I'm sticking with. I'm coming up on 18, and at that point, I'll have two more years to blame my bad moods on angsty teenager behavior. So I intend to get the most out of it that I can.

Anyways, my dad's bugging me about being up late again. I'm going to get all my insane rantings out first, and then I'll move on and rationalize.

It just bothers me so much when he mentions how late I'm up. As before stated, I'm coming up on 18, and I really don't want to be told to go to bed early. This is one reason why I'm disappointed that I'm not going away for university, or moving into res or something. At least then I'd be able to do what I want.

Then he goes on about how he can't sleep because I'm up and stuff. Okay, I never actually make that much noise. It's not my fault that he can't sleep if somebody so much as breathes too loudly. It's not like I crash my way around the house, I'm reasonably quiet. Besides, other things have happened at night, and I'll say 'sorry if I woke you' and he'll be all like, 'no, I never even noticed.'

Example: last year's lunar eclipse. For a couple of hours at least I was walking in and out of the house, using the front door and back, checking on the moon, and coming back to chat with Kelskie and Corey. The next morning he said he never heard a thing. Now, if he can sleep through me walking in and out of the house all night, why can't he sleep through me creeping from the living room to my room?

Alright. Reasoning time. I'll admit that sometimes I get a bit careless when attempting to be quiet. Yeah, I start to type faster, and my typing's not exactly whisper quiet. I'm sure there are other examples where I'm not exactly as quiet as I could be, but I can't think of them.

I'd say that he could bring it up in a different way. Like, instead of bugging me about how late I was up, just mention that I was a little too loud when I was up or something. But I'm really lying, because I know it would annoy me no matter how he brought it up. Which kinda sucks, because I hate when this becomes an issue. I'm not saying that he should just live with the fact that I'm a night person, because it's not like I expect him to sleep through whatever racket I may make. But still, I don't want to have to be told to go to bed for the next couple years all through university.

Sigh. Okay, enough of that I suppose. It's really just the same rant I have every time this issue comes up, I just usually never let it out because it usually blows over. For a month or two.

Oh, and I will take the blame on bugging him about Rascall Flatts tickets. I know I was kinda wanting to know everything all at once, and he didn't really have anything significant to tell me. I was being kinda stupid with him and bothersome and such. It just seems like I've been putting my entire life together at the last minute all the time lately, and I guess it just seemed like here was an opportunity to get something done ahead of time so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

There are many other thoughts going around lately, but those are for another time, if I even decide to share them at all. Congrats if you read this far. I know my posts tend to be quite long.

Goodnight I suppose.

~Calminaiel~

"It's festival season. Of course the band directors are squirrelly."

Grad Shopping

And so it begins.

I went shopping for a dress today. It was kinda weird, as I haven't worn a dress since...well, since I basically had no figure whatsoever. =P

Dad: So, how did it feel going dress shopping? Was it weird?
Me: Well, kinda, yeah. I felt like a cat taking a bath.
Dad: But cats never take baths.
Me: Exactly.

That pretty much sums it up right there. I also have to get my hair done the day of. I think I'm going to do it after the ceremony and before the banquet. Getting it done for the ceremony would mean getting up even earlier than necessary and then keeping it nice all day. I don't mean that I don't care how my hair looks for the ceremony. I'll still keep it looking decent. I just don't think I have to go all out for it.

I also need new shoes. As much as I'm not usually all for having ten thousand pairs of shoes, I will admit that I have nothing to match my dress. And that's kinda saying something, as I'm also usually not one to know what goes with what.

I'm also kinda considering getting a purse to match as well. Again, I don't usually like carrying things around with me, but seeing as my dress clearly won't have pockets, it'll be nice to have a way of carrying my phone, lip chap, and other such things with me.

On another note, I really do hope my throat's getting better. The first two days I was just losing my voice, and even most of today I was fine. But this evening I started coughing more, and I really hope it doesn't continue. I don't mind having a sore throat, or even having no voice, but I hate coughing.

Practice Journal:

Yeah...don't tell anybody, but I kinda haven't practiced in a while. Like, quite a while. It's not good.

I need to get a real job.

I also need to accept the fact that my life is never going to get any less busy. So I should stop waiting for it to do so.

Stupid throat.

If I suddenly disappear within the next few days, my throat killed me.

In other news, my brother's going to use my uncle's computer to hook up the WiFi for Wii. I'm excited. I'm pretty sure it'll work for the DS too, which is even more exciting. Although I do wish he had been able to do all of this for my exam break. I didn't even have the Wii over exam break because our TV died just before. Just my luck eh? Oh well.

Pray for my survival,

~Calminaiel~

"You need to be bigger. Like, hurt somebody. Not yourself. But anybody else is fair game."

J'aime mes amis

Beaucoup.

J'aime aussi l'ice cream.

Beaucoup.

Et le franglais.

Obviously.

My Confessions:

Yes, I do like processed cheese.
I like the leftover gravy and cheese after all the fries are gone from a poutine.
I don't mind eating leftovers of other people's lunch, particularly if I didn't have one.
I don't mind sharing cutlery / straws, etc.
I do think about boys more than I really should.
I enjoy Disney movies. And the songs that come with them.
It doesn't take much to impress me.
Nicknames make my life. In fact, that moment in sectionals with Heather today pretty much made my whole life up to that point worth it.
I'm a sucker for junk food, and fast food.
I don't believe underage drinking is wrong, or getting drunk in general no matter what age you are is wrong.
I do believe in love.
I'm terrified of wind.
Half the things I do in life, I fake my way through.
Yes, I do think about going back in time and fixing everything I did wrong.
No, I wouldn't actually do it.
I am as pathetic as you're probably thinking I am.

Concerning that last statement:

I don't care. =)

That's me. Deal with it.



Lately I've decided this is possibly my favorite comic ever.

Because growing up is stupid. There seems to be all these new rules, and new ways to live life, and to think, and to act.

Not that I'm going to try living in the past completely. No no. I already tried it. You all saw how that ended. Advice: don't do that again.

And look at what happened to Gatsby. =P

"I felt foolish for not being ready to go farther. So, we sat on my bed and kissed like a couple of high school kids." -Book I just finished reading.

What's wrong with that? I happen to like kissing. Is sex going to be the only thing that matters in life once I grow up?

There just seems to be so many examples in the world of adults that I don't want to become. But it just seems to common, I'm afraid I don't have a choice. I'll have to change to join the ranks of the boring, unhappy adults in the world.

But they do always call us the future generation.

And that comic's right. When we're adults, it'll be our turn to decide what that means for us. And I don't want to become like 80% of the adults I see or meet. So there. Deal with it.

PS: My brother finally realized who Bert and Ernie were. And then spent half an hour watching them on YouTube. Should I be proud?

~Calminaiel~

"You just totally ruined all my hopeless romantic dreams for the future."
"You're bluffing."

Mot de jour:

Orgasmic.

Graham: Ha, Bert and Ernie.
Me: I loved Bert and Ernie!
Graham: It's true. But they still decided to kill Bert.
Me: They killed Ernie, Graham.
Graham: Did they?
Me: Yes. Although I can't see why him. I mean, out of the two of them, I'm sorry...but I would have killed Bert.
Graham: Yeah, but I see their point. I mean, you have a big yellow guy, and then just some completely blue guy.
Me: What?
Graham: You know...the yellow bird, and then the other guy's just totally blue.
Me: Graham, that's Big Bird and Grover.

I feel ashamed to say that's my brother.

~Calminaiel~

"I understand how humble people kneel before God, but since when did they roll and tumble for him too?"

Someday and Wishes

What to say...that always seems to be the question lately when I come on to blog. Of course, all the more intelligent people in the world just don't blog unless they have something to say. I always seem to have things to say, but at the last minute decide I don't want to blog about it.

A lot of confidential stuff going on lately. What happens in the band room, stays in the band room. What happens at Brad's house stays in Brad's house. What is said in Chloe's car stays in Chloe's car.

I'm slowly getting my life back in order. I know I keep saying by the end of the week I'll be caught up. So I'm not going to say it again. But it is coming closer, I swear.

Hopefully the questioning myself will stop soon as well. It's getting kinda tiresome. I don't entirely hate it. I do like contemplating life and other such things. But I don't have time to be questioning myself. Do you know how hard it is to get things done when you're constantly wondering if you're really doing what's best for you in life? It's very difficult, and I don't have time for any more difficulties.

However, Harker is pretty much the best teacher ever. I wish I had his level of thinking.

Actually, I wish I had the level of most people's thinking, really. It seems like everybody is more creative than me, or they're better with words, or they make things more meaningful, or they just generally get more out of life that I do.

Which all leads back to the whole questioning myself, and the 'what the heck am I doing with my life, and is it worth it?' kinda thing.

Interesting fact: the phrase 'bane of my existence' isn't referring to a good thing. Go figure.

Other interesting fact: Apparently I give lap dances for 6$ Thanks for that one Erik.

Have I ever mentioned I love getting together with people? It's true that occasionally I do need some me-time, or at least a temporary personal bubble, but generally I could hang out with people forever. Only problem is I am a musician, and practicing is usually something you do on your own.

I have no idea where my blog is going anymore. I need to get a job, because if I keep putting it off until I have more free time, I'll never get one.

I also need to leave now to do homework, because if I don't...well, see the above result and apply it here.

~Calminaiel~

"No she didn't make it, actually. It was...an aunt of some variety...I believe."

Eventually

That's the word of the day. Or the week. Or the past month, really. Oh well. After next week I plan to be entirely caught up, so you'll never have to hear me say that again. For a while.

I don't really have much to say. I'm really only posting this for the last two lines I'm going to write. Life's moving on. School. Music. Music Council. Finding new songs I like. Dad getting me a Taylor Swift CD (whom I've just discovered I have a real liking to). People telling me to get things done. Me saying it'll happen eventually. Playing games with time, and deadlines. Cheating my way into more time. Trying to beat the system. Changing. Questioning. Laughing. Loving. Living.

I could go on. I think you get the gist. Just find a bunch of synonyms to a handful of things up there, and that's pretty much how life is going right now. Looks good to me.

And if you asked me if I loved him
I'd lie.

~Calminaiel~

"Oh right, I'm developing professionally that day."

Randomness

There's been a few times over the past few days that I've thought of posting, but due to things that I won't go into detail about, I didn't. So here's some of the random things that have been happening over the past little while.

Me: *upon recalling an earlier awkward situation* Graham, please don't ever be like Adam.
Graham: What's wrong with Adam?
Me: Nothing's wrong with him. He's a pretty awesome person. Just don't ever follow his example. Don't ever do what he does.
Graham: Ah, a kind of, do as he says, not as he does, kinda thing, right?
Me: Exactly.
*pause*
Me: On second thought, don't even do what he says. Just, anything that has to do with Adam, you're better to stay away from.

The event that that's referring to, I won't share here. It's a thing I'm only really willing to share in person. In fact, I'm still wondering if my life would benefit more if I just blocked it out of my memory completely.

There's been a bit of self doubt going on lately. I won't go into full detail. I was considering it last night, but decided I wasn't comfortable with putting that much of myself out there like that. Which is odd, seeing as that's all I did at one point. But this, I kinda want to keep in for a while.

I kinda confided in somebody at the university today after symphonic rehearsal...in a kind of, offhand comment, trying to make it sound like it wasn't actually a big deal, and it wasn't a deep thing, which is kinda is. And I kinda got a reassuring answer, even if it seemed like it it was given in the same, offhand, slightly meaningless way. I don't even know if it was the tone, the person, or the answer itself that made me feel better. Probably a mix of both.

Long story short, I feel like I'm changing yet again. And I don't deal with change well. I mean, I'll accept that it has to come, and I'll even welcome it. But even then, something in the emotional part of my brain still seems to flare up when I begin to change, and then I start thinking oddly, and freaking out and what not.

I'll live, no worries there.

Hokay, enough of that before I start spilling things that I don't exactly want to spill yet.

Time to start living again.

~Calminaiel~

"Are my swells supposed to come out of the texture, or follow the melody?"
"...You know they have a cream for that."

Je suis...?

I've suddenly had random urges to write my titles in french, in seems...

I read other people's blogs, and sometimes I wish I could be as incoherent, random, and as figurative as they are. My blogs seem so literal compared to them. and theirs seem so deep.

Oh well. Maybe I'm just not as deep as I like to pretend I am.

I had these really odd dreams last night.

The first one was kinda really scary. I think it was Halloween, and somebody was planning a trick or treating party. I can't remember who it was. But one person who was invited was this young boy who was a murderer. He killed people with a knife, and somehow that related to music, because I remember discussing with somebody how he only killed people in the key of Ab. Then he started talking with us, and he confirmed that fact. I saw this old woman off to the side, and the kid suddenly started staring at her, and creeping up behind her. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't do anything. He jumped on her from behind and started slashing her neck and face. Without even looking at the other people who were there (one of them was Haley, I don't know who the other was), I turned and started running, while calling my parents on my cell phone. Over the phone, I blabbed something about how somebody was dead, and I wanted to go home.

This is all taking place in my grandparents field, oddly enough. Anyways, I run back to the house, and my mom/dad is there (it wasn't clear which one it was). They're talking to some other parent who's there, and they seem reluctant to drive. So I get in the drivers seat, all ready to go, but they still want to stay and chat. At that moment I broke down, and I couldn't understand how nobody else seemed to get the fact that I had just seen somebody be killed, and I really wanted to go home.

So that was that dream. The next one doesn't have quite as much detail, but it was very happy.

It had to do with university, although I don't know if I was in university or not at that point. But I was hanging out with all university people. There was this top university student guy who was, like, the cool guy who everybody liked, and admired, and followed and whatnot. I don't quite know how, but somehow I took over his spot as top university person, and I remember wondering if this was the first time a first year had ever taken this spot...so I supposed maybe I was in university. So after I got this spot, everybody wanted to give me flowers and get my autograph and such on. And I got the top resident spot and everything, where I could watch over all the other people and make sure they're okay and everything.

And that was all there was to that dream. It sounds really odd, but there wasn't a single negative feeling in the entire thing, which was very refreshing after the first one.

Questions of the day:
Have you ever looking in the mirror and actually believed that you really are beautiful?
Have you ever thought, even after meeting everybody you've ever met in the world, that you're still the weirdest person there is?
Have you ever done most of your thinking/daydreaming while staring at yourself in the mirror?
Have you ever been genuinely happy that you are who you are?

~Calminaiel~

"Socially unept? Your english teacher would be proud of you."

Comment convaincre ses parents

That was the stupidest french project ever. Just for the record. I don't even remember learning anything except the title. =P

Anyways, my general conclusion for the day is that my parents are awesome.

I decided that within the ten minute drive with my dad coming home from the university.

I told him a bunch of stuff that had been happening with my friends and their parents, and conflicts between them and stuff. Like parents that are really protective and pretty much do everything possible to maintain their child's innocence.

Okay, maybe that's being a bit melodramatic, but you get what I mean.

So we basically just had this talk about how him and my mom figure that they know teenagers are going to do stuff like that anyways, whether they try to prevent it or not. They were teenagers once, and they weren't exactly angels...especially my dad. So they know that even if they are more restricting, if I want to do something, I'll find a way to do it. My dad even believes that by being restricting you're almost pushing the kid towards it more. Teenage rebellion and all that. =P

He agreed that he didn't really like the way I said some other parents were handling things, and he said him and my mom have always believed that rather than try to 'protect' us, and force us to do things behind their backs, they should let us know that they're aware that kids do this stuff, and that they're always here if we need them.

Which they've always done. Ever since I started mentioning that people I knew were drinking, she's always said if I ever need a ride home for any reason I can always call home. She did the same thing when it came to sex. She said she'd rather have me make sure I'm doing it safe rather than having to do things behind her back, and she went on the pill when she was young, and I can always talk to her and such on and so forth. It was actually pretty cool.

Speaking of which, my views on that have changed so much. Seriously, I've only actually realized how much it's changed in the past few days. I don't know how, but it has. Oh well. I don't mind it so much. Change can be good.

Well, actually I do kinda know why. But I'm sure there are other factors as well.

Oh, and another thing that makes my parents so awesome. Besides the fact that whenever I say 'I'm with Chloe', they basically forget about me and let me do my own thing. =P

I was with Kelskie the other night, and we stayed up late talking and watching a movie, so that pretty soon it was 12:30. So we were like, well, I guess I'm not going home tonight. So I just texted my parents saying I was spending the night at Kelskie's.

Mom told me this morning that she didn't have a problem with it. She was a little concerned sometimes, but she just knew that I was with Kelskie, and she knew I was alright. My dad also said that there was a time or two when he thought of calling me, but he figured I knew what I was doing by now, and he can let me be.

So that's cool. I love the fact that my parents are so cool with letting me do what I want with my life. Heck, they're going to have to do it sooner or later anyways.

~Calminaiel~

"You know guys. They wear their underwear until it falls off."

Aha!

I was going to blog half an hour ago, but I forgot what I was going to say. Now I remember, so I'll blog.

However, I will attempt to make it short and to the point, because I have work to do.

So, today at the Pirates rehearsal at the university, I felt like I almost got a glimpse of how I'll change once I start university. I know I will change. I'm going to accept that before it even happens. Because I know what it's like not to accept change while it's already happening / happened, and that's not fun. I figure accepting it early on will make things easier.

Besides, I don't really dread change like I used to. I can't exactly say why. I think it's mostly because the last change, as painful as it was, in the long run, it was for the better. I became an obvious different person, and I like who I am now. No that I didn't like who I was, but I do love who I am now.

Anyways, it was interesting, and I can't actually explain it to the fullest extent.

But enough university thoughts for right now. I have to get through high school first.

To everybody who says I need to get myself out of high school so I can go to university: I'm going as fast as I can, believe me.

To all my high school friends: Damn, I don't want high school to end, because I know things will change with all of us. Maybe not to the highest extent, but certainly to the extent where it might not be as easy to see each other every day. That's one change I'm not looking forward to.

~Calminaiel~

"Pit Band! Stop flirting with the Pirate King!"

Head explosion!

Yes, I kinda wanted my head to explode today. It was nuts. I never realized how much a little more communication would help. But it really really really would. I don't understand why they can't figure that out. I mean, come on. If you had even gotten together once a week for the past while together to talk about how each of you are doing things, and lined things up between yourselves, we wouldn't have this massive confusion, plus hours of extra rehearsal time.

I could go on about that, but I won't. I'll just get ready for more head exploding madness this week, and then it'll be done.

All that said and done, it really is a lot of fun. The singers / actors are all really nice (even though I say stupid things in front of them sometimes...but what else can be expected from me?) and really, that's a very good reason for me to want to do it again. I just love the people. The chaos, confusion, and lack of planning / communication wants me to run far, far away from this project and never look back. But I'd totally come back for the people in it. I'm a sucker like that.

I also ate yogurt that apparently was supposed to expire on the 2nd...but it smelled alright, so I had some. If I don't show up to school on Monday, you'll know why.

Ugh, school on Monday. That's a depressing thought. Not nearly as depressing as knowing I have an English project to do after rehearsal tomorrow, but still depressing. At least it's the last day of second semester. Then I just have diplomas to worry about. And then the whole process starts again in June...

But now I'm getting ahead of myself. One step at a time.

Tchaik 4 is fun. I was reminded of why they call it an 'excerpt'...normally because you're the only one playing, and people are actually meant to hear you. So I saw the excerpt I learned last year, and I'm like, woah! cool! And then I come up to it, and I'm like, wait...I'm the only one playing...oh right, excerpt...=P

The only problem with Tchaik 4 is the first movement has rehearsal letters, only it's so long it uses every letter in the alphabet, save for the last four. And it's sometimes hard to hear Agopian in the back, so we'll hear him call a letter but we'll only hear that it sounds like 'ee'. So we're all wondering if it's B, C, D, E, G, P, T, or V. I swear, he's really going to have to start calling out words instead of letters, or the wind section's going to end up being terribly confused.

I also hope he gives us a huge cue after our 118+ bars of rest.

Movie of the night: Master and Commander. It's not a bad movie. It's a bit odd for me to watch a movie about the sea, and sailing, and boats and stuff without pirates, but still not a bad movie. I enjoyed it.

Movie I want to see: Atonement. My dad wondered why I wanted to see that, as it had no mentioned of car chases in the advertisement. =P

~Calminaiel~

"Wait, you can buy them? And to think, I've been going to garage sales all this time."

Almost done!

I haven't forgotten about this place. I've just been a little busy / tired / lacking in anything interesting to talk about.

Not that I really have anything particularly interesting to say now. But I figured if maybe I started doing something on the computer, it might lead to homework, which I need to do, so. =)

What can I say tonight...?

Life is generally good. Yeah, I feel like it sucks sometimes, but so does everybody. We all have our moods. First semester is almost done, which is so nice. In a way, it feels like it went by very fast. Maybe that's because I spent almost more time in rehearsals this year than in class.

I don't really feel like going into anything meaningful right now. I've had a few heart-to-heart talks with people recently, and I do enjoy in person heart-to-heart talks. I've decided I need to make more of an effort to do stuff with friends.

You know, I'm really just going to keep going on about nothing, and sprouting random facts here and there.

I really do mean to write here more often. But as it's the end of semester, I'm taking advantage of the fact that I have teachers that will still take in assignments that were due two months ago...

~Calminaiel~

"Daddy, why won't you buy me a boyfriend?"

Thinking, when I should be doing math

But not bad thinking. Just generally thinking.

Actually, it started out with daydreaming when I should be doing math.

Anyways, as I was going along and daydreaming and whatnot, it suddenly hit me...I don't really even know how to express it. How much I've changed? How much I've grown? Maybe something like that, but not really. I'll just explain it and then you can decide what I mean.

At some point my mind wandered to last year, about this time, give or take a few weeks. Anybody who knows me (man, I've been using that phrase a lot lately) knows what happened to me around this time, and that I was basically feeling like crap.

I don't really need to go into more detail about all that, since I've gone over it numerous times before. If you're looking for more details, go back to my blog posts about a year ago.

It just suddenly hit me how much my life isn't centered on what happened last year. Last year the only thing that mattered in my life was that breakup. That's all I could think about, and it made me feel horrible and depressed and all similar feelings. I couldn't get away from what had happened, and I didn't think I'd ever be able to.

And now I realize that I hardly ever think of it anymore. I still recognize it as a defining event in my life, because I know it had a big influence on who I am right now. But as far as the actual event goes...

Again, it's still hard to explain. It's more that all the negative emotions that used to be connecting with thinking about that breakup are all gone. Like, completely. I've said that before, but it wasn't really true, because I still had some feelings of regret. But not anymore.

Is it a bad thing that it's taken almost a year to get to this point? I don't think so. I don't even think it took a whole year, I think it's just hit me now.

Anyways, I could go into more detail about this, but I'd just be blabbing, and you probably wouldn't understand half of it anyways. If you really want to hear more, talk to me.

~Calminaiel~

"Believe me, I'm in no hurry to see grandchildren."
"Oh, then you might not like what I was going to announce at dinner..."

Video Blog!

But not tonight.

My computer decided not to upload it.

Hopefully it will learn how to function in todays society by tomorrow.

~Calminaiel~

"Look! Bananas on sale!"

The true Christmas spirit

I love Christmas, despite the many concerts that come with it.

Today in band we played a Christmas medley, and Paddock said that anybody who wasn't playing had to sing. So we're playing / singing Christmas carols, and then Waters comes out of his office and starts playing piano along with us.

I think this is the first time that it's actually hit me that it's Christmas...or at least, it's really really close to Christmas.

Yeah, I've been listening to Christmas songs, and talking about it, and thinking of presents, and watching Christmas shows, etc, but it didn't really hit me until today in band class.

It was pretty awesome, I must say.

~Calminaiel~

"Now, what do you mean by 'dancing' and 'subdividing'?

(l.p.s.e.h.)

For kicks and giggles

Perfect Boyfriend Survey

Phase ONE - APPEARANCE

About how tall would he be - Taller than me.
Shoe size - I don't care.
Skinny or fat - Skinny.
Buff or normal - Hm...either one, although not overly buff.
Six-pack - It would be a perk.
Hair style - Whatever.
Color hair - Doesn't matter.
Eye color - Again, doesn't matter.
Dark, Tan, or Light Skin - See above.
Glasses or contacts - Getting tired of repeating myself...
Piercing - If it works, sure.
Braces or no braces - Either.
Scars - Scars add character...sure, why not...
Eyebrows - Um...yes...?
Big butt or little butt? - As long as it looks good. Although I tend to go for guys who have pretty much no butt whatsoever, so...
Chest hair - Preferably minimal.
Do you really care what he looks like? I guess not. Although I'll admit it is what gets my attention first.

Phase TWO - PERSONALITY

Nice or mean - Nice.
Would he be caring - Of course.
Is he the sensitive type or the kinky type - Mostly sensitive...but a touch of kinkiness does keep things exciting, I will admit.
Would he be afraid to show his feelings - Not overly so.
Jealous type? - Jealous enough, not to the point of being super over-protective.
Flirty - To me, yes.
Protective - Yup, again, not overly so.
Funny or serious - Both.
Outgoing or shy - Both.
Lazy - Lazy enough so that I don't have to feel self-conscious about my own laziness.
Sarcastic or sincere- Both, please.
Music - He'd better be interested in music.

Phase THREE - SOCIAL-SCHOOL

Does he have a lot of girlfriends - Friends who are girls, sure, why not.
Would he hang out with you or his friends - Preferably we'd have mutual friends so it wouldn't be an issue.
Would he hang out with your friends - It'd be nice, of course.
Party or stay home - Party, and then we'd go home. ;) lol
Would he have a lot of friends - Sure, why not.
Smart or stupid - Smart, but not so much that I'm self-conscious around him.
Would he put his friends before you? - If necessary, but not all the time.
Would he drink - Doesn't matter, as long as he's not bent on getting wasted every other night.
Would he smoke? - Nope.
Would he do drugs - Depends on how often and what he's doing.
Would he tell you he loves you - If he means it, yes.
Would he act different around his friends - No, thank you very much.

Phase FOUR - AROUND YOU

Hold hands - Oh yes.
Kiss you - It'd be a nice touch, yes.
Hug you from behind - Yes please.
Would he call you 'hunny, sweety, baby' - Another more personal nickname would be nice, but I'll take those as long as he's sincere with them.
Will he open doors for you - Yes he would.
Will he pull out chairs for you - Aw...yes. =)
Would he surprise you - In a good way, of course.
Remember your anniversary - The more important ones, yes.
Would he lay under the stars with you - Definitely.
Watch the sunrise with you - Hell no. That means I'd have to get up early. Let's revise that plan a little...Would he come over before sunrise to be with me as soon as I wake up? Definite yes.
Write love letters - As long as they're sincere and not just corny stuff, yes.
Write poems about you - Ooh, yes please.
Would he cook for you? - Definitely.
Would he sing for you? - Oh yes.

So there you go. If you see anybody who may meet this qualifications, let me know. Hehe.

I must be off to do homework. I actually have to do some tonight. Go figure. Though it still won't be as much as I should get done.

~Calminaiel~

"As in, anybody who will have her."

Journeys

Musical Theater did this neat thing before our Beauty and the Beast performances. I thought they were really cool, if not a little confusing in some cases. We did all of these while lying on our backs, with our eyes closed and breathing deeply (which is almost my favorite thing in the world to do).

Journey #1

The situation: Imagine you're lying on the most comfortable couch, with the best material / fabric, and you just sink into it. You realize there's something inside the couch you're laying on. There's a zipper on the front of the cushion, and you unzip it, and reach inside to pull it out. It's something that you need right now. What is your couch like, and what do you pull out of it?

My couch was so amazing. It was pretty much exactly like Miranda's couch, because it's seriously the most comfortable thing I've ever sat on in my life. Except the fabric on the outside was this really fuzzy stuff...like the stuff on really fuzzy teddy bears, or on the inside of Chloe's / Randall's hoodie. It's so amazing. But when I reached inside, I didn't find anything. When I thought about what I would pull out, my mind totally drew a blank. What does that mean?

I've thought about it for a long time, and my only conclusion is that I'd rather be sleeping on the couch then searching for stuff inside it. =P

Journey #2 (we didn't actually do this one, but Chloe told me about it in the car, so I thought about it)

You're walking down a beach, and you run into your favorite person there. They hand you a fortune cookie. Who is your favorite person, and what does their fortune cookie say?

Okay, so my favorite person ended up being Ryley. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not sure. Anyways, the really confusing part was that the fortune cookie didn't say anything. The paper was just blank. I haven't even thought of an explanation for this one. Maybe he's never said anything really meaningful that would fit on a fortune cookie paper. Who knows. If you can figure this one out, let me know.

Journey #3 (my favorite)

You're in the place where you feel most comfortable, and your favorite person is there. They hand you a rose, but this is a special rose. Every time you pick one of the petals, it says something nice and encouraging to you. When you get to the last petal, it says the best thing, the thing you really need to hear right now. Where is your place, what is your special person, and what is the last message from your rose?

My place was my bedroom. Which makes perfect sense. It's been the place where I feel most comfortable since probably the dawn of time itself. There've been other places where I've felt comfortable, but my room's the only one that really stays consistent. Anyways, my favorite person was Ryley again. Explain that one to me. And while we were thinking about this, I was so scared that my rose just wouldn't say anything, just like I couldn't find anything in my couch, or no message in my fortune cookie. But when it came time for me to pick that last petal off, it did say something. It said "You'll make it. You'll be able to get where you want to go." Which was so great, I loved it so much.

I've figured out that loving someone is different than being in love with them. It's a relieving thing to discover.

I had a claustrophobic moment tonight. It wasn't very enjoyable, especially since I normally don't have a huge personal bubble. Oh well. I lived.

~Calminaiel~

"Good job for...almost...not crying."

My new belief

So, I've discovered that I no longer believe in new beginnings.

I mean, I still believe in, and understand, going through major turning points. But starting new entirely? I don't think so.

Maybe I just have yet to really experience that. But I was at my dad's company's christmas party and somebody made a toast to the end of the year, and to the start of a new year. She went on to blab about new beginnings and such.

As she was saying all that, I found myself thinking 'yeah, new beginning. You keep believing that.'

I guess it's mostly because of almost everything that's happened in 2007. I can't count the number of times over this year I've thought to myself 'Alright, we're going to do this, and then I can just start over.' Like I could just press the 'reload' button on my life.

And I remember each time being let down.

Examples.

September of grade 11. I assumed we could just move along like the entire summer hadn't happened. Nope.

Band Camp. It seemed like things were going to suddenly be better. Nope.

Mexico. I figured if I could get away for a while and then come back and things would be normal again. Nope.

Spain. Basically the same story as Mexico. Anybody want to take a guess as to whether that worked out?

NYB was the closest thing that worked. Everything else was almost ways of just putting it off, me resisting the fact that I had to actually deal with what was going on in my life, and things wouldn't just work themselves out. I think the major thing that happened to me over the summer of 2006 was that I lost myself. I'm not completely sure how. But I did.

I think I probably talked about this before, back when I got back from NYB last year. But I don't think I told the whole story.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I blabbed about finding myself and all that. And I remember being so happy over all of NYB. And on the plane home. Because I was all happy that things were finally going to go back to normal again, now that I was me again.

Now, in movies and book, this would be where my life takes a completely turning point, and suddenly everything's all better again, and I'm happy and everything.

Want to know what really happened?

I cried myself to sleep that night. Because when I got home, and began getting ready for bed and thinking of the next morning at school, I realized that this wasn't any different from any other time I had left home and came back expecting things to be perfect again. And for the most part, I was right. True, life was a little better, but it was certainly far from a complete new beginning.

I think it was there where I stopped believing in those. Don't think I'm pessimistic or anything. I do believe that things will always get better eventually. Just not all at once. It has to happen slowly.

Now I really have to finish social essays so I can go to bed.

~Calminaiel~

"We spend some quality bonding time in our dressing room."

Bedtime stories

Bassoon story.

Reed: Hi Robyn. So, I've been trying to hang in there for you, but really, we're just not working. I mean, you know my tone's been going downhill for a while now, and now I just can't get those high notes out like you need me too, and I know you're just getting frustrated, so I don't want to see you like this. I'd really like to hang around a little longer, but we just can't keep doing this.

Me: I understand, reed. But we worked so well together until now...why is it suddenly going wrong?

Reed: That's the way life works, Robyn. A change of the winds, and suddenly things happen. I'm sorry, but I think it's time to end this relationship.

Me: Okay, reed. I'm sorry I got so frustrated during our practice today. You've just always worked so well, and I couldn't understand why you suddenly weren't there for me. But I should have taken the warning signs more seriously. You were the first sparkly reed I ever had. I knew our relationship had to end eventually. Don't be sorry, I forgive you. It happens to everybody.

Reed: Alright, no hard feelings. Do I get a special place in your room, like all the other reeds with stories to go with them?

Me: Of course you do. But for now you have to stay in my case. I'm just not ready to let go yet.

Reed: That's fine. You need time to get over it, I know.

Me: Thanks for understanding.

New Reed: Hi Robyn, I'm the reed you worked on today. I'm surprisingly ready to play, seeing as you just worked on me today, and have never actually played with me before.

Me: Wow, you are good, new reed. After playing with you a little bit more, I think we have a really good relationship in the future. Will you come with me to my rehearsals tomorrow?

New Reed: Of course Robyn. Just remember that I can be changed, so if I'm not perfect, do not hesitate to do something about it.

Me: Thanks, new reed. I think I'm in love.

...That's right. I'm a reed whore. =)

Fairy Story (condensed version)

Once upon a time there was a young fairy who lived in a beautiful forest. There once was a day when she was in love with a prince, but that ended when the prince was ready to explore beyond the forest, and the fairy wasn't ready to leave yet, and so she was forced to watch him walk away, and be happy with others. But that's another story.
As the fairy went to the edge of the forest pool to bathe, she looked at the surface of the water, and instead of a young fairy, saw a beautiful face looking back at her. The fairy never realized that she could look like that. She liked it. However, after the bathed she went to the water's edge and made sure she looked like nothing more then a cute fairy again.

I looked in the mirror tonight and was surprised at how pretty I could look. I liked it.

Then I smiled, and that pretty face was replaced by a seventeen year-old girl who still hasn't outgrown her five year-old smile. =)

~Calminaiel~

"Now, now, hormones, this isn't the time to start acting up. Calm down. No, stop looking at him! Concentrate. Stop thinking like that!"
=P

Vic Lewis shpeal

Alright, so I've been asked to do a blog on Vic Lewis. Or rather, I've been asked why I haven't done one. So here you go. Don't blame me if you don't like it.

So, first of all, I'd just like to say that I found the fact that we had to stop 8 bars into the piece absolutely hilarious. Like, I haven't had to do that since grade 7. It was great. I know it was a performance, and festival and everything, but honestly, I loved it.

The biggest thing this is going to revolve around is American Elegy. That piece had the greatest significance, I think. The other two...yeah, we played them decently, in my opinion, but other then that, I can't really find much to say about them. So basically all of these opinions, in some form or another, come from American Elegy.

The only problem now is where to start. I've been going over these thoughts so much, I don't even know what came first.

I guess I'll start with what everybody else has been saying about Wind Ensemble. Everybody else seems to be saying we sucked, and we totally didn't play well and everything. And honestly, I really just feel like finding a way to get out of the conversation when people start talking like that.

Personally, I naturally want to be proud of the ensembles that I'm in. I know that many of them are not as good as they could be, or maybe not even really all that good, but still. If I play with them, I want to be able to be proud of them. And I am proud of our Wind Ensemble, even if we didn't play as well as we could have. I'm sorry, but I refuse to say we sucked, or we were terrible, because in my opinion, we really weren't. Yes, we weren't great. But we weren't awful either. I just wish maybe people had more pride in this group, rather then putting us down so much just because we're maybe not as great as we have been in the past.

Furthermore, I actually put a lot of effort into American Elegy. I don't know about anybody else in the ensemble, but I was trying to tell a story. I was trying to find emotions and personal experiences that I could convey in my playing, even if I was only playing a whole note. I was trying so hard to put effort into my playing. And I felt it made a difference to me. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do, when people say we sucked, because I know I put so much into my playing, it's kind of like somebody's saying that because the whole ensemble sucked, my music had absolutely no meaning, when I was trying so hard to put meaning into it. Maybe that's not the best way to describe it, but it's the only thing I can think of right now.

So, yeah, to an extent, it does hurt when people put that song down so much. It was brought up one time, and I mentioned that I almost cried during it, because I really felt like crying at some points. I don't know if the emotion I was trying to put into it came out, but it did to me, and it really affected me during the performance. And somebody answered me with 'oh yeah, I almost cried too, it was so horrible!'. I'm like, well, that's not exactly what I meant, but alright, sure. Thanks for that.

I could just be kidding myself. Maybe I was hearing was I wanted to hear, instead of hearing how the ensemble actually played. I'm certainly not saying that people are ignorant of the meaning you can put into music, because the people I'm referring to are definitely not like that. But still. It does hurt to hear people criticize a song so much, when I tried so hard to put all these emotions into it. And it's not even my own playing. When other people were playing, I tried to find emotion in it. Was our trumpeter thinking of sending out a message during his off-stage solo? Perhaps, perhaps not. Either way, I still listened to that solo, and I made it mean something to me, even if it meant nothing to him.

Does music lose it's meaning if it's not played perfectly? I like to think that it doesn't. I've certainly never played something perfectly, but that doesn't mean I want it to lose all meaning to people listening. I kind of wish people, whether in Wind Ensemble or not, would look more for the meaning in music, and maybe concentrate less on how technically well we played it. Perhaps not as much in rehearsals. In rehearsals, by all means, concentrate on technical stuff, listen for note / rhythm, etc. mistakes, and fix them. But when it comes to concerts...I mean, how we play is how we play. We can't fix anything mid-concert. So why not concentrate on things you can't fix, things that the listeners can't tell you was right or wrong?

Anyways, that's my personal opinion. Take it or leave it, it doesn't matter to me. I say I don't care what people think of me, but apparently I do, or I would have said this a long time ago. It's just hard to stand up for a group when everybody's putting it down. It hurt me, personally, which made it hard for me to stand up against everybody and say that I didn't think we were as bad as everybody makes out. Does that say something about what kind of person I am?

But back to being proud of the ensembles I'm in. It's true for All-Cities too. I know we're definitely not the best, but...somehow I still find it difficult to say that we're awful. And I know we used to be amazing. Is it wrong that I want to stay in it, because I'm sure if I stick around long enough, it'll hit an amazing year again? And I know that certain people were invited to be in it, and I know certain people who are already in it told them that it really wasn't worth it. But how are we going to get any better if we don't get more people into it? Does nobody else understand that? Maybe it's not great, but the only way we're going to get better is if we invite people to come. Let them decide for themselves whether it's worth it or not.

I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle here. Both with the All-Cities thing and especially with the Vic Lewis thing. You know when you feel like things are split 51 to 49? Well, right now it's like there's the whole world on one side, and then there's me. Is it crazy for me to stick up for bands? I was about to ask if it's crazy for me to stick up for bands that don't deserve it, but that definitely doesn't sound right. Every ensemble deserves to have somebody stick up for them.

It just bugs me so much whenever any ensemble is being put down. And I know I do it too. But still. It seems like whenever I'm listening for the potential in a group, everybody else is listening for how much they're not together, or how out of tune they are, or how unbalanced they are, or some other fault.

Maybe I'm doing what our honour band conductor said at the music conference. She said that all musicians have something to say with their music. Maybe they don't have as much to say as professional musicians, who have not only more technical training, but also more life experience, but they still have something to say. Maybe I'm listening to that thing that they're trying to say.

I just realized my blog is going to be kinda long tonight...I might just go of on multiple shpeals...oh well. That's what you get for venturing into Robyn's blog.

So, might as well stay on the same track for now. Music. Sometimes I have these really scary thoughts that maybe this isn't what I'm meant to do in life. Maybe there is something out there that I like more than music, and I just haven't found it yet. A lot of people say they didn't find out what they wanted to do with their life until they were halfway through university. I've been wanting to do music since grade 9. Grade 9! That's definitely not half-way through university. I'm kinda really scared I'll be in my second year of university or something and it'll suddenly hit me that there's something else I want to do, and it'll totally turn my whole life around. Would it make it seem like my whole life building up to that point was...a waste? Maybe not to that extent, but still.

However, there are also amazing moments that make me forget all about that. The best example recently was the CYO in Banff. We played Brahms 4. Amazing, especially for a song that I didn't actually like all that much at first. I just totally got lost in it. My mood literally changed as we played through the symphony, depending on the mood of the music. There were parts that I didn't even worry about technique or tuning, because it just happened. I just got lost in the music. Afterwards, or even between movements, I found myself thinking...wow, this is why I want to do music.

Which is funny, thinking back to a sectional with Stephen Frans last year. He was saying that it was stuff like Brahms 4 that reminded him why he went into music. And I remember thinking 'wow, I'll never be able to be that affected by a symphony' and going into another one of those mini panic attacks, thinking that I don't actually have what it takes to go into music and all that. And now look at my reaction to it.

It was just such a good feeling, I loved it so much. Maybe I'll refer to it more often when I go into those moments of doubt.

Oh, what else should I talk about. Well, if I'm going on a shpeal, I might as well include the whole deal.

Busy has pretty much been my middle name lately. I don't know how I'm keeping up with everything. Well, actually I do, it's called faking. But usually you get caught eventually when you fake, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I do, so I'd better get my act together.

The one thing that's been worrying me lately, in terms of being busy, is music council. I've been so busy, I haven't quite been as involved as I want to be, which isn't exactly good, seeing as I'm president and everything.

There was this particular instance when I thought I knew everything we had discussed, and I knew our tentative plans and everything, and then suddenly somebody comes to be and says, oh, by the way, these aren't tentative anymore, and we are actually doing all this, and we've already talked to these people. That was kind of a slap in the face. It just suddenly made me feel like I'm really not doing all I should be.

On the other hand, it also makes me wonder if I'm just being controlling, because I definitely don't want to be controlling.

I don't know what to think anymore. There are times when I wonder if Kate would be a better president, because she has more time, and there are times when I wonder if she cares about the program more. But at the same time, I become selfish, since I have been dreaming about being president since grade 10. That's a long time. And believe me, it was so cool to think that I'm actually achieving something I had planned two years ago. I love it.

There are various other thoughts I have, that I don't think I'll be sharing with you tonight, if ever. Things that I've been going over and thinking about. Yes, they do have to do with various what's-his-faces. (I've found out that whenever there's a guy involved with anybody in a relationship-type way, I refer to him as what's-his-face). I dunno, I don't really want to share details, since I'm not completely sure how I feel anymore. Why does this always happen? I seem to fool myself into thinking I know how I feel about somebody, and then suddenly it all changes on me. Why can't I be more like Mr. Logic? He always knows everything, and I'm just all over the place sometimes...more like often. But we won't go into Mr. Logic right now.

Anyways, there's a little bit of missing people going on, and general confusion, and perhaps some over thinking going on, and yes, I'll admit there's a little bit of jealousy in there too.

So...yeah. If anything clears up, I'll mention it, but right now I'm generally confused about things. I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I've been meaning to mention this for a while, and I keep forgetting. But I love nicknames with a passion. Honestly. I'm not completely sure what it is about them. I love them like I love inside jokes. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I never really had super close friends with whom I could have inside jokes and nicknames and such with until...well, grade 9, really. It just makes me feel special when I'm close enough with somebody to have insides jokes with them. And nicknames. Which means it kinda sucks that I don't have a name that's more nickname friendly. Oh well.

That's also kinda why I don't mind being identified as 'bassoon' rather than by my name. For slightly different reasons, but still. I really don't mind being associated more by my instrument then by my name. To an extent but still.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really leaving myself anything to look forward to in university. I mean, I've already joined a university ensemble, I'm being integrated (perhaps) into a chamber group, which we may or may not be performing, and I basically try in any other way possible to be involved at the university. So am I really leaving anything to look forward to?

I'm over thinking, I know I am. But still, I wonder sometimes if being so involved is good. Although I did have a chat with Gareth on our way to U of C Symphonic Band, and it was so encouraging, I loved it. I love having talks with people who encourage you. I mean, I love having talks with people who present a different view on things too, but sometimes it's nice to be encouraged, rather then have a talk with somebody who thinks it's their duty to expand your horizons.

I found out how much I actually love the feeling of being awake during the day, and not being in danger of falling asleep if you sit still for too long. Only problem with that is now I've been not doing my homework because I've been going to bed instead. It's not fair to have to choose between doing work and sleeping. Sleeping is necessary, but teachers don't tend to care if you way, well, it was between getting at least 6 hours of sleep or getting this done and getting 2 hours of sleep. It sucks. But oh well. I'll have to deal with it somehow.

Okay, I can't even go into detail about how much I have to do, and how much little time I have to do it, or I'll start going into the pains of despair and wonder why I'm doing all this to myself. But I know why I'm doing it. I'm going in search of what I mentioned above. I know I'm busy, but would I actually want to give up anything of what I have now? Not really.

Alright, I'm off to do something with my life.

~Calminaiel~

"Me and my reed aren't exactly on good relationship terms right now. Normally we'd just sit down to talk, and I'd tell him that if we can't work this out, I can just move on and hook up with a another reed. But that won't exactly work right now, because he knows he's the only reed I have that mostly works."

And now for something completely different

Me: Henry, we were just talking about how you make this piece happen. (meant in the most suggestive way possible)

Glenn: Yeah, well I can make this song happen.

Me: But Henry can make *anything* happen. *wink*

Glenn: Well I...nevermind.

Me: Hah, you can't make dirty jokes with just anybody since you have a girlfriend now.

Glenn: Yeah, that's why I stopped.

Me: See, I'm single. I can make dirty jokes with anybody I want to. I like a joke whore!

And that's my conclusion of the day.

~Calminaiel~

"I have to know which one is cuter, so I can eat the other one, and then stare at the cute one until I decide to eat it too."

Emotions for the day

Deja vu. Definitely some of that in there. Same place, same chair, same song...scary.

I got the weird sense that everything was going to change, because that's how I felt last year. Last year I spent that whole time dreading the fact that after this time, everything was going to be different, and I'd have to change all over again to keep up with it.

But at the same time, I knew that nothing was really changing, because this was their day. This is their day to change. It doesn't really affect me at all. It was such a weird feeling to feel like everything around me was changing, but knowing that my life itself was going to stay relatively the same. 'Twas odd.

Wonder / joy. It was so cool to sit there and hear everybody clapping and cheering. I mean, I know I've seen it happen before, but for some reason it meant more this time. I loved thinking that I'll be there some day, and they'll be clapping for me.

Hokay, I actually thought I had more to say on the topic of emotions today, but then I got typing, and I realized I don't actually have that much I feel I need to say. Whatevs.

However, I do think all my teachers are going to hate me for missing class all the time. I liked the fact that when I mentioned it to my mom, she was like 'well, do you really care what your high school teachers think about you?' which was nice. Still.

I also had a little scare today, thinking that maybe I've been too limited. Like, focusing so much on music and not as much on other things in life. But it's not like I ignore other things completely right? I do have a broader horizon then just music things.

Oh goodness, the excitement in life just never ends, does it? I was told that from high school into university, it changes from music drama to music politics. But listening to people talk today during our break, it kinda sounds like there's still drama. Maybe not to the extent of high school, but I think it's still there. Is that a good thing? I'm not sure. My opinion of drama is totally double sided.

Two quotes today.

~Calminaiel~

"Music is definitely a very hard profession to go into, maybe even one of the hardest. I mean, what other job can you get where your boss can tell you when you can't breathe?!"

"Okay, when we pass by this hallway, do the following: glance to the right, slow down, drool a little..."

(I lied, three)

"Excuse me, we are admiring the sport of gymnastics, and nothing more."

Practice, my love.

I actually practiced today, for the first time in...well, a long enough time that I'm ashamed to even name it. It felt so nice. Just me and Mia, and whatever sound came out. I spend pretty much two hours on scales. Two scales, to be exact. An hour for each. It felt nice to think that I can actually play those scales now, that I actually might know them inside and out.

My pieces didn't feel as good as my scales did. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just in the mood to work purely on technique, and just let things roll off my fingers, note after note, rather than worry about dynamics, and rhythms and everything else. I don't know. I was in a scale mood.

I'm not really self-conscious about my playing. I mean, I don't think I'm all high and mighty or anything. I'll leave that for the trumpets. But I don't exactly always worry about people hearing me. I suppose that's a good thing. It's just weird to talk to friends who worry about people hearing them practice, or who hate being judged or having their playing compare to other people, or competition. I've never really had a problem with other people hearing me practice. Sure, it gives me a chance to show off. Yeah, if they listen to me practice they'll hear me mess up, but whatever. Such is life. Deal with it.

As for being judged, people judge you everyday for anything. It's been happening since the dawn of time. I'm almost more worried about being judged for things outside of music than I am about people judging my playing. Yeah, I would like people to think I'm good. But if people don't like how I play when I'm doing the best I can...well, too bad. I'm still working on it. Deal with it. It's the same with being compared to other people's playing. It happens. That's the way it is.

And competition I never actually thought about as being negative. It's just how the music world works. If you're the best there is, you get jobs, you get gigs, you get recognized. If you're not, well, you're not. Maybe it's different for different music genres, and it's because I'm in classical that competition seems natural, but still. I've never thought much about it. It just seems like an odd concept to me to hate competition if you're going into music. But that's just me.

I've also discovered I'm very apathetic when I'm on band trips. Not about the music or anything related like that. Just things like...changing just around the corner when guys are in the room, or leaving my suitcase open when other people are hanging out in the room. I'm just like...whatever. Deal with it.

I said I was going to go to bed early ish, and apparently I'm not going to. Oh well.

I'm still trying to find what I have to say with my music. Is it something that eventually just comes naturally, or are musicians continuously searching for things to say with their music? I would think they'd always be finding things to say. Maybe it just becomes easier to say them as time goes on.

It's just like another language, right? Even with our first language, as we grow and gain more experience, we find it easier and easier to express ourselves to other people. Music's probably the same. We never run out of things to say, or the things we do say never loose meaning just because we've said similar things before. We just find different, and perhaps better ways of expressing things.

Maybe that didn't make any sense. It does to me.

I'm having spontaneous little depressing panic attacks. It's really weird. It freaked me out for a good 15 minutes the other night before I was able to convince myself it was okay and move my mind onto other thoughts. Don't worry about me (not that I'm assuming you are or anything) it's not serious. Just one of those things that gets to me when I'm given time to think.

More reasons why Robyn shouldn't be able to think. It's bad for her.

As a side note, I can't wait to get into university, but at the same time I'm terrified of high school ending.

For the record, I can't keep my princes straight. Unless their super amazing...but even then, it's questionable. Thomas from Pocahontas still beats them all anyways. He was super cute. Pity he didn't get a bigger role. But then he probably would have gone all egotistic like all the other main guys in movies. Let Mr. John Smith take that role. I'll take Thomas any day.

~Calminaiel~

"Pillars of skeletons and fish bones!"

Don't think this happens all the time

So, I pretty much had a mini mental orgasm today when we were talking about star gazing, and a nice place to star gaze.

It was really weird.

~Calminaiel~

"See, my dad does actually have a gun so..."
"You always denied that!"
"Well, of course I did. Otherwise you never would have come to my house."

Discovery Channel

Today we'll be following a particular species, of the male variety, through part of his daily routine.

This particular male interested many of our staff, and we decided to give him the codename 'Bob'.

Our experience with Bob started at approx. 10:40 today. We watched as he made his way into a popular resting area, and proceeded to have a late morning snack. It was the eating habits of Bob that was really fascinating. He seemed to have a liking for vegetables, peas in particular.

First Bob would carefully split the pea pod in half, and empty all the peas. He then started to make a little piles of peas, and then he would eat the pea pod. He continued to do this with several pea pods, and his pile of pea pods grew immensely. We're sure that he intended to eat the peas eventually, however our camera crew unfortunately had to leave before we could see the thrilling conclusion to Bob's snack.

And, there's my discovery channel entry for the day. As weird as it may seem. I find it amusing.

Favorite things in life:
Mashed potatoes.
Chocolate mousse.
Anonymous comments.
People coming to say hi just for the sake of saying hi.
Random smiles.
Hugs.
People assuring you that they're always there for you.
People asking if you're okay because they honestly care, not because they feel they're obligated to ask.
Blankets.
Feeling safe in your own bed.
Inside jokes.
Random acts of kindness.
Feeling so light you're positive you could fly if you wanted to.
Laughing until it hurts.
Smiling, and knowing you couldn't stop if you tried.
Being surrounded by people who you can be yourself with.
Not having to pretend all the time.
Cues from the conductor.
Having the conductor call you by name.
Playing without thinking about who's listening.
Waking up in the middle of the night and knowing you can go back to sleep.
Getting so involved with a book you forget about your own life.
Hoping and wishing, even if you know it won't come true.
Remembering your dreams in the morning.
Heart-to-heart talks.
Having somebody to look up to.
Becoming the person you look up to.
Feeling like you could do anything you want to.
Feeling like nothing can stop you.
Knowing that others are behind you all the way.

I don't really need cues from the conductor. Generally I count fairly well and I usually know where I am. But that doesn't mean I don't like having them. It really does feel good when the conductor looks right at you the second before you're supposed to come in. Maybe it's just because I'm a bassoon, and so conductor's are generally busier cuing trumpets and flutes rather than bassoons, but still. I love it when we get cues. Makes me feel like I'm maybe actually contributing something to the band.

And I think I realized just recently that for the first time, I've actually become somebody I look up to. I remember in grade 10, when I first found out there was a music council, and that there was a president of the music council, I wanted to be president so bad. For the one year that we had in school together, I totally looked up to Kaity. I wanted to be as cool as her. And recently, I realized that I'm kind of there. I am president of the music council, for good or for bad, which I had been thinking about since the beginning of grade 10. That's a long time to be dreaming of something like that. Now, about being as cool as Kaity, I'm not sure if I've achieved that. But every once in a while a grade 10 with throw me an encouraging comment that makes me feel like maybe I'm making a difference.

It also makes me think of the people I look up to now, and wondering if maybe I can eventually become them as well. It's an exciting thought.

~Calminaiel~

"I sizzle Robyn, for being an amazing bassoon player. She's so dedicated to the music program, and she does wonderful work for the music council. I hope she never gives up on her dream."
<3

For better or worse

Quote:

"You really need to smarten up your act. First of all, I show up to our first rehearsal and you're hogging out music stand so that I can't see a thing. Then I come here to find that you've pushed me off the steps and out of the ensemble completely. Am I not a part of this group too? What did I do to deserve being treated like this? You need to stop acting like a little pre-madonna and start treating other people with some respect. I sit beside Stephen Frans in the CPO and he treats me like a human-being, so I should get the same treatment from you. You can't just walk in here and steal the show. You need to change your attitude towards other people if you intend to get anywhere in music."

...unquote.

Every time I think about this, I want to cry. Seriously, I'm absolutely terrified of you. I was even before you said all that.

But I do have some things in response to all that. First of all, you never even mentioned you couldn't see the music on the stand. I'm not telepathic. I can't tell if you can't see it, and I can't see out of your eyes. If you had even

commented on the fact that it was hard to see, I would have been more then willing to let you move the stand however you wanted so that you could see it perfectly.

Second of all, the second row was super-crowded. We could hardly fit in the french horns. Now, I know I could have done more to make sure there was room for you, but I'm not the only person in the row. Not only am I not the only person there, I was also the youngest in the group, and only a guest. Not that those are excuses, but to an extend, I was very intimidated by the group itself, and I wanted to make sure I was in the right spot, never mind asking everybody else to move. You also could have taken the initiative to gently ask me, or anybody else in the second row, if we could all move over to make room for you. But if you like scaring the hell out of me instead, by all means, don't let me stop you.

So yeah, a lot of what you said made me mad, simply because it's not all my fault. Yes, I could have taken more responsibility for things, but you could have too.

Yeah, it makes me mad. But my fear is so much greater then my anger. You were absolutely terrifying. Then again, I've never had things like that said to me, so maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But still. I do think some of that was uncalled for.

So thanks for making me cry for an entire 30 minutes before our concert. Thanks for making me think more about holding myself together rather then making music during the first half of the concert. But at the same time, thanks for showing me how decent other people are. I can tell you there were about 5 people that night that approached me and spoke to me about it, and they were all 3 times nicer then I could ever imagine you being now.

I hope you know that no matter how mad I may be, I will always be terrified of you, and in an ideal world, I would avoid you for the rest of my life. But I'm also going into music, so that makes me think that maybe we're bound to run into each other again. But hopefully that moment can be put off until I'm maybe a little stronger and not affected so much by these sorts of things.

I felt so young after those things were said. I just wanted to find a corner, or my mom, or a friend or something and just cry. But that's not so easy when you have a concert to play in half an hour. So I did what my mom said, and I just tried to hold myself together and play the concert like a professional would. Even if he doesn't think I'm a professional.

Okay, on to other things, because even thinking about that so much has gotten me scared again.

I love heart-to-heart talks with a complete passion. I'm not even kidding. There is rarely a moment when I don't love them. Especially the one on Saturday. That totally made my life complete. I'd like to think that my life might improve a lot now. Maybe, maybe not. But I'm almost positive that things will be better. Which almost makes the last few months worth it. Looking back, of course. At the time, it was hell. But that's another story, maybe one that's ready to be put on the bookshelf for a while.

In other news, I'm going to be insanely busy for the next two months. Wish me luck.

Time to crawl into my bed and recover. I feel safe in my bed.

(P.S: Vic Lewis. I'm so excited. And slightly nervous at the same time.)

~Calminaiel~

"Wow, I look at your life, and I think, how many guys have I had in my life? One...two...um...I mean...one."