Tomorrow

It's the first day of the rest of my life.

Of course, that's just for dramatic effect. One could argue that tomorrow is always the first day of the rest of our lives. That's kinda just the way it works.

But that's not the point. The point is that university classes start tomorrow. I don't even know how to describe how I feel. Kind of like I've been working my way up the stairs all these years, and finally I'm at the highest diving board, and I just have to jump. Or like I've been lead around holding somebody's hand, following a strict path, and suddenly they just let go, the path ended, and I can now go anywhere I want, all on my own.

It's a great feeling, but also slightly scary. It's kind of amazing how often excitement and nervousness go together. Why is that?

As usual, I should be doing something else, but I'm sitting here chatting, blogging, and texting. In my own defense, I am simply getting as much out of my social life as I can before I become swamped and must cut myself away from the rest of society in order to keep up with my life.

I exaggerate. But only slightly.

I should be showering. Because as much as I tell myself I'll get up in the morning to shower, we all know that's not going to happen.

Kelskie just came online, which is both amazingly awesome, and kind of bad. Because I haven't talked to her in forever, and I have about a thousand things to say. Kind of bad because then I probably won't get off as early as I was planning to shower. My family doesn't mind me having really late night showers, right?

Okay, I have to go tell stories, and while I'm telling stories, I will not be able to concentrate on blogging.

This is probably long enough as it is.

~Calminaiel~

"T-shirts usually go along with recreational boating."

Guess what

Tomorrow's Thursday! Tomorrow!

I have no idea how I'm going to get through orientation. No idea at all.

Do you think I really need to stay for all of Thursday?

Good University Student Voice: Yes, you do. There's probably some sort of tiny piece of information that's good for you. Besides, you can't get a ride down there until mother is off work anyways.

Self: But I could take transit down there! If it meant I could get there earlier!

Student Voice: No. Just stay, take in information, and then go after.

Sigh. Silly conflicts. Tomorrow better go by fast. Or at least, I'd better be semi interested in what's going on, or else all I'll do is stare at my watch. Which, contrary to popular belief, does not speed up time.

I could stay here thinking of things to write, but the time has come once again, where I must get up early in the morning.

Yay.

(PS: that was sarcasm.)

~Calminaiel~

"Bowser's castle looks like a casino."
"Hey, even villains have to find ways to pay the bills."

Happy, excited, and scared to death

And that's only the beginning of the huge range of emotions I've felt over the past little while.

But seriously, the happiness is the real constant. It's always there, even when I'm worried about panicked, or paranoid about something. It doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy about my life right now.

You know what is a scary thought?

I'm a legal adult. I am responsible for myself. I know I've been a real adult for a few months now, but still, it only really seems to be hitting me now that...I'm actually in charge of my life now. Whatever responsibility I didn't have while still in high school...I do have now.

Maybe that's partly why I'm slightly apprehensive about getting my full license, or getting a job.

And yet, on the other hand, I can't wait to do either of those, because it will just complete my being-an-adult even more.

See where I am with the whole mixed emotions thing?

I guess I'm caught between my old fear of too many changes, and my insane excitement to do more discovering of what I want to do with my life.

Not career wise. I know I'm going into music, and that's what it'll be until something happens to make it change. Which it might, I won't deny it, but for now, music's looking pretty good.

Just what I'm going to do with myself...now that I'm kind of getting pushed out there on my own.

To which all my friends laugh, and go, Robyn, you're living at home. How 'pushed out there on your own' can you be?

Alright, alright, whatever. But hopefully you'll grasp some sort of meaning from all of this that kind of makes sense.

Me, making sense. That's a good one.

Okay, let's stop while we're ahead, shall we?

I haven't been blogging much I know. I've kind of found a temporary outside source to type away my worries to for the next little while. Once I don't feel the need to send an email every night, I'll probably start blogging more.

Unless university kills me.

Which it might. I'm still keeping that possibility in mind.

Thursday!! I'm so excited!!

(PS: One downside to this whole deal is that I've been given more time to think than is really healthy. So I don't know if I'm actually discovering more emotional scars than I thought I had, or if I'm just overthinking. I'm probably just overthinking, although the first option may have some truth to it as well.)

And, as a side note, orientation was rather fun today. Why do the Fine Arts get stuck with brown shirts? And how do I know so many people in Science and Engineering? I hope they're prepared to feed me, as the starving musician.

Dear life,

If you could please speed up the space time continuum so that Thursday gets here extra quickly, I would really appreciate it.

Love,

~Calminaiel~

"dmda, Fine Arts!"

Just one thing

I feel free.

It's insane. I saw pretty much exactly what I've seen the whole rest of the summer.

And yet my stomach didn't flip, and my mind didn't suddenly feel like going crazy. I just shrugged.

Well, actually I did more than shrug. I whisper-yelled at my computer and laughed.

Is that a sign that somebody's going insane? Who knows. But that's not the point.

The point is, that it's just hit me that I don't need to deal with this anymore.

Actually I shouldn't say that. Because that makes it sound more negative than it is.

Maybe I will have to deal with it slightly. But I don't even know that for sure yet.

Anyways, the point is (for the second time) that there is at least one tiny aspect of my life that no longer needs dealing with. And I need not waste any more mental turmoil over it.

Now for the deep cleansing breath...and the moving on with my life.

And by that, I mean moving on to an email.

=)

~Calminaiel~

"That's the perk of passing your name down for a few generations."

Mind implosion?

Almost. But in the best way possible, if there is such a thing.

Seriously, I'm not even sure what to say. I haven't written in my notebook in forever. one of the only reasons I'm writing this now is because I need something to draw me back into...myself? I don't know. Hopefully I'll begin to make more sense as I go along. And if not...well, hopefully getting this out, even in a completely incomprehensible way will still help me figure things out.

But don't for one second during this whole thing think that I'm upset. I am possibly the happiest person ever. Like seriously, it's awesome.

See, this is my problem. Every time I think 'you know, I should really figure this out and find out what's going on' then I sit down, and I realize how happy I really am, and then I start thinking 'well, do I really need to figure this out? Because if I'm happy, does it really matter?'

To which the logical (and also the slightly frightened) voice in my mind goes "yes, you have to figure this out! Because you've been pushed into your own little world of perfectness, and you've been living in it for the past few days! You had almost decided that you knew yourself perfectly, and you loved it, and suddenly you went and changed *again* and now that you're somebody completely different, what the heck are you going to do when you're pushed back into the world you've been ignoring, the one that includes bassoon, and university, and everything else!"

To which another answers "I'm not somebody completely different. I'm me. And that will never be able to change completely just like that. I'll always be the same person, just with variations here and there. Ignoring certain aspects of my life...that's what I do. And when I'm pushed back into it, I cope. Besides, are you really freaking out about bassoon and university because you've been ignoring them, or are you freaking out because it's only really hitting you now that you're actually going to be doing both of those things, and now that it's starting to sink in, you're starting to get nervous?"

Did that voice just say something that made a slight bit of sense? Since when does my mind make sense? That was almost deep thinking, is what that was.

Okay, so my conclusion since starting this post. I'm not going to worry. Because life will take care of me. It knows what it's doing. I know what's coming. Do I know how I'm going to deal with it? Probably not. Do I ever know how to deal with anything? Generally, no.

I blame this entirely of thinking too much. I'm always guilty of thinking too much. Over thinking, as some call it.

Why am I over thinking when I'm happy? Since when does that happen?

This is when you pat me on the head and tell me to go eat my dinner.

Because if I drag out this post any longer, I'll end up doing some serious unnecessary thinking.

Which is silly, because I'm happy. How happy? Extremely. So much so, that I'm almost reduced to not even using words anymore. Just doing this all the time:

=)

~Calminaiel~

"The ship has not sailed, but there was lots of recreational boating happening."

Blah

So, I kind of feel like the epitome of a mooch after today. Let's look at this.

I had to get a ride from my house to Sam's, which is a little of a drive. Meaning Mike drove all the way from his place, to mine, back to his place, and then proceeded to get food.

I ate said food that Mike brought. Burger plus milkshake. My choice of flavor too.

I took 40$ from Sam for doing absolutely nothing. Okay, so I handed Sam a plant, and moved another plant across the floor whilst talking about how adorable he is. Worth 40$? I think not.

I also stayed with the gang for dinner. Pizza. Which Sam bought, and I definitely didn't chip in for. Bad person, I know.

As a side note, I also kicked some serious ass at Super Smash Bros. Thank you.

And then I also got a ride home from Rae, God bless her soul.

But seriously, after all that, I came home (or rather, was thinking this in her car, on the way home) feeling really pathetic. Like, seriously considering just never going anywhere again unless I can drive there myself, or get myself there in some form or fashion that doesn't involve asking endless favors of people.

Also, after eating nothing but cereal, a burger, a milkshake, and pizza, my body is kind of hating me right now.

I also actually have to deal with university crap tomorrow, seeing as I obviously didn't do it today. Because I was mooching and filling my body with crap.

I make it sound like I felt bad the whole day. I didn't really. I had quite the blast today. It was only when I had to get back home from Bowness, preferably getting a ride from a friend, at 11:00 at night when I started to feel really bad. Especially when everybody's saying that they're not going that way, or they don't want to go that far.

On that note, I think I'm going to go deal with the fact that my body's hating me right now.

That might be a really good idea.

~Calminaiel~

"Holy cow...will you look at these guys?"
"Robyn. Robyn..."
"Sh...one minute..."

Olympics

Don't criticize me for saying this, but...

Is it really that important for Canada to win medals? I mean, can't we talk about how our athletes are doing without constantly mentioning how disappointing it is that we're not getting many medals?

I know that it's kind of the point of the Olympics. Compete, get medals. I know it's the main objective and whatever.

But still. I guess I kind of believe in the overall experience of all the countries in the world getting together to compete being a little more important that having to win all the medals.

I'd also like to think that the athletes who aren't getting medals will walk away from the Olympics happy that they got to experience it, and not just beating themselves up for not getting a medal.

And maybe I'm just trying to believe in my own little perfect world where everybody's happy. Which doesn't really exist. You be the judge.

But I can't be the only one, right?

On another note, I found there is a downside to wonderfully good dreams. They make me want to stay in bed all day and just relive them, over and over. Which is kind of bad in the summer, because I rarely have a real reason to get out of bed. Meaning I could actually potentially stay in bed all day. But that's not exactly healthy. Nor productive.

How am I going to be able to focus on the real world for the next week or so? I've been drifting off so much lately, it's really not funny. I'll be calling my friends a lot over the next week. Good thing I already have two parties and a movie planned. That takes care of...hm, three or four days. That'll be enough, right?

~Calminaiel~

"No, I thought you were telling me to get into my right lane so I could turn left."

Last night

I had one of those moments. One of those overwhelming feelings like I wanted to pour out everything inside of myself to somebody else.

The more I think about it, the more I think that if I find myself in the perfect situation, I just want to go for it. Just start talking, and say everything I've ever wanted to express. About anything.

Maybe I was just in one of my more romantic moments. But still. I can still feel it there. It may not be as strong as it was that night, but it's still there.

On this topic, I've heard people wonder about what you do after you put yourself out there. Who are you, once you've poured out everything?

I'll still be me. Nobody can take that away from me. I firmly believe that whatever happens, I decide who I am. And if the whole world falls apart around me, I'll still be able to believe in myself. I know I'm not perfect. And I know what my imperfections are. But it's still me.

I'm just not strong enough. I'm not one of those strong people who can keep themselves completely to themselves. I'm not strong enough to act like somebody else, and yet have a whole different level of thinking going on inside. I just can't do it.

I like to connect with people. I don't like to hide myself away. I like to put myself out there.

Because that's the only way that you'll know what it feels like to fly.

I could go on. But here and now is neither the place or time to do so.

Ask me after a long walk, when we're both laying under the stars, and we've been silent for a minute or so. I've thought about it enough. I won't have to search for words. I'll have them there, and ready. And maybe by the time I do run out of words, you'll understand.

At least a little bit.

~Calminaiel~

"I know, you always have to wonder when your friends start bringing you to family events."

Word Vomit

You know of word vomit, right? When you just keep talking and talking, and your head knows that nothing you're saying has any meaning to anything, or really any point, and you know that the person hearing it doesn't care, and you know that somewhere along the line you're probably going to say something you shouldn't or that you may regret later, and yet you just keep talking, and talking?

Yeah, that's me sometimes. If you hear me starting to fall into word vomit, please help. Don't just sit there and listen to me go on, and on, because the more you don't attempt to help me with other conversation, the more I'll just keep going.

And it's not pleasant, because my head is screaming at me to shut up, and yet I don't. So the sooner you jump in and help, the sooner my head can stop screaming at me, and start thanking you. So it's a win-win situation, really.

In other news.

My head is about to explode. Whether it'll explode in the form of word vomit, or via emotions, or literally just blow up, I'm not sure yet. But I feel like it's coming, and I'm not really sure what to do to either delay it, or prevent it from doing so.

I have about six thousand voices going on up there, compared to the two dozen I usually have.

I'm trying to ignore all of them, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep that up.

As such, it's making it very hard to focus on one thing at a time.

~Calminaiel~

"I've got all the fiber I need right here."

Hey you

Yes, you.

We need to hang out.

Call me?

There's about a 95% chance that I'll be free when you call.

I'd say those are good odds.

So do it.

~Calminaiel~

"Are you guys twins or something?"
"No, we're closer than twins."
"Oh, so you're related."

Coincidence?

My brother and I were walking the dogs today.

I forget how the topic came about, but I ended up asking how it happened that red became the colour that symbolized both anger and love.

He replied with, 'maybe anger and love often come hand in hand.'

It's interesting he should say that.

Remind you of anything, Kelsk?

On another note, I'm getting more restless as the days go on. I need an adventure. And not necessarily that adventure in my most recent of stories. Just an adventure in general. Something to get me out of the house.

I'm also in love in the Mid-evil times. In case anybody is at all interested in that.

I also love Feste, Sir Robin, and minstrels.

Sir Robin is more of an 'in theory' love. I love him because it's funny. But, I'm sorry Robin dearest, it could never work between us. My occasional need for adventure and your...well, it just wouldn't work.

Do you think I could be a pirate, only with vodka instead of rum?

As for Feste, his is a cross between real love and the love of a role model.

I've been thinking about what Andrew said, about life being a fine balance. I'm not sure if I've had that all along, and whether I'll screw it up trying to get to where I already am...

But whatever.

I'll figure it all out sometime.

For right now, I'd be content with figuring one thing out. Hopefully sooner, rather than later, for my own sanity more than anything else. Is it time to take things into my own hands? I'm kind of afraid it is. I've never really been good at that. Maybe I'll attempt to get the ball rolling, and hope that after that it just continues rolling gently down the hill until everything's sorted out.

Hopefully the ball will not get caught on a rock shortly after being pushed down said hill and deflates, nor will it gather speed until it spins wildly out of control and is forever lost to all humanity.

Anyone wanna place any bets?

And Rae, I've been meaning to ask you on an update on this since I've gotten back from camp: have I lost money?

Yet another reason we have to get together. Seriously. =)

I love you.

All of you.

~Calminaiel~

"Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowls unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burnt off
And his penis split
An-"

"That's...that's enough music for now, lads."

...

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
("No!")
Bravely ran away away.
("I didn't!")
When danger reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
("no!")
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
("I didn't!")
And gallantly he chickened out.

Bravely taking ("I never did!") to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
("all lies!")
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Robin!
("I never!")

Just so you know I'm alive

Imagine I'm really tired.

Now, remember that mumbling nonsense noise I make when I don't have any effort and/or energy to spare on anything?

And now imagine me not even having the effort and/or energy to make that noise.

There's my post for the night.

I was mentioned in three different blogs sometime in the past few days. I feel special.

I'll call within the next few days. I promise.

For now...

zzz...

~Calminaiel~

"One band, one sound."

Blogging after a few

And by a few, I mean two.

Not that that's a lot, but I can still feel it a little.

I don't usually do this. Blog at this time, after a few, I mean.

I just felt the need to say that I can't decide if having a couple was a good idea or not.

Actually, I can. Considering...and also...

Yes and yes.

So I'm okay.

Bed now.

(PS: I'm not as bad as I probably seem right now.)

~Calminaiel~

"Long or short?"
"Long. ;)"

Hoping

You know that feeling you get when you finally get the chance to approach or talk to somebody you think is amazing, and you admire and respect and all that jazz - and it's so obvious that they really couldn't care less about you even though you might think the world of them?

I hate that feeling. It's so utterly disappointing.

I hope I never become like that. I hope that if I ever become somebody that other people look up to, or have any reason to be excited about having the chance to talk to me, I hope I'll take the time to have a chat with them and not just brush them off.

I know moments will probably come when I do that. I know there have probably been moments like that already. But I really hope I don't do it on purpose. And I really hope I never will, and I'll recognize when somebody really wants to talk and I'll take the time at least give them a decent hello, or something. Not just brush them away.

It's one of those moments that you experience with somebody, and your first thought is 'I hope I'm never like that.'

Does anybody else get those, or is it just me?

~Calminaiel~

"Well, there is less cartoon violence here than on the computer. At least they don't plummet to the ground and get squashed into a puddle of their own blood."

Wondering...

Why are all the most comfortable positions generally the most unattractive ones as well?

It's unfortunate, really.

~Calminaiel~

"Band camp is my spa."

Hello again

I'm going to attempt to avoid a blog like last time's. Partially to give you all a break, because I'm sure every time you see post that long you make sure you have a snack and a comfortable seat to see you through it. Also because any kind of thinking that I would do tonight would not be comforting. I know this because I've almost delved into it a few times, and I've found nothing overly positive. Not that it's super negative either it's just...well, again, not the kind of thinking that I really wish to go into at the moment.

This kind of thinking is familiar to me. It's the 'Robyn, you're starting to think way too much and too seriously about life because you've been away from your friends for far too long. So go out there and get a life.' kind of thinking.

I think I shall do that.

I also have a random tiny spot on my hand where the skin has been pulled off. It's kind of starting to get really painful, which doesn't really make sense because it's so extremely tiny and doesn't even look that serious. But it hurts.

I even know when it happened. I ran my hand into the wall. Go me, I know.

Anyways, life getting. Yes. I'm going to call Henry to get together, because he was stolen from me for Stampede. Same with Kelsk, because I don't think anybody in the world understands how much I need to talk with her. Hang with her. Just generally be with her. Everything.

I would have called both of them today, but I figured I'd give them a day to recover before starting my endless cries for attention.

I'm not going to lie. I actually really want to just hang with friends for the rest of this week before I head off for camp. Which is slightly ironic, because I also need to practice every day of this week to get my embouchure back before band camp. Hm...I'll fit it all in somehow. I really hope. Because going to camp with absolutely no mouth would not be a good thing. Not that camp won't fix that anyways. It always does. By the end of those two weeks, I could play for 24 hours and not have a blown mouth. Which is also ironic how I always stop playing immediately after camp to send my bassoon away for it's yearly check up.

Which is making me really nervous, because they're saying it'll take a while to do, and I'm like, yeah, about that, I kind of need it back for school. Because starting university without a bassoon...not so good.

So yes, quite worried about that. But...actually at the moment I can't really think of anyway to cheer myself up about that. My mom seems to know what we can do to do our best to make sure it gets back...but still...

I'm trying to remember how long it took last time, and of course I can't, because I never keep track of these things. And always regret it later. Well, not regret. Just vaguely wish I had. As it is, the only thing I remember is that it took longer than I wanted it to. Which isn't exactly comforting in this situation.

Maybe I'll message my bassoon friends with this problem. I wonder if any of them will have any good advice. Or at least comforting thoughts. We'll see.

Arg. Various emotions going on about this situation and none of them are quite as positive as I would like them to be.

Aha. Okay, one thing to make me feel better: in a week, I'll be off to camp and hopefully camp will keep my mind off it for at least two weeks. And even if it can't keep my mind completely off it, there's not exactly anything I could do about it while at camp, so hopefully I won't be worrying about it.

Not that there's anything I can do now. But whatever.

Ack. I also really should do at least a little work on reeds before I go to camp. I've really been asking too much of my reed for the longest time now, and I can tell it just wants me to put it down and let it rest in peace.

I also need to start breathing. Just because I've started to play bassoon again does not mean I need to bring all the old stress back with it.

Is that starting to be a reaction? Am I starting to associate bassoon with stress? Because that would definitely not be a good thing. I'll work on that.

Pressure on me from myself is also a big thing that tends to come back with bassoon. I should work on that as well.

I'm also slipping back into my overthinking thing. Let's not do that.

I'm off to distract myself with various things because I go to bed. Wish me luck.

~Calminaiel~

"Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but you actually managed to die sooner than you did last time."

Just when I thought I was better

I am currently sitting in my room, having just turned the lights on after watching a spectacular lightning show, with my laptop in front of me, listening to the rain still pelting the roof and the street.

I can definitely hear both the sound of the rain hitting the room, and the rain hitting the street. They are quite distinct from each other, and yet they still have a likeness that you wouldn't separate from each other unless you were really thinking about it.

I'm going to warn you right now. I'm not sure whether I am going to make sense this time around. If indeed, I ever really do make any sense. I actually spent ten minutes tonight even wondering whether I should blog or not.

I didn't really want to blog because, as stated above, I wasn't sure if it would even make sense to anybody. I also kind of want to talk about stuff that I definitely do not want to say in a blog. And I'm also in one of my moods where I feel like I have so much stuff going on in my head that it would be futile to attempt to organize and present all those things in an acceptable manner. What an acceptable manner is, I'm not sure. Interpret as you will.

Hm. Another stolen phrase. How interesting.

Except not, because my life is pretty much made up of stolen phrases.

Except that one in particular is interesting. Because it goes under the same category as so many of my stolen phrases.

I could overthink this concept to death, except I already know what it means, without any deep thinking or philosophic reason. It's simply that I deeply respect said person and it happens to be somebody who I've always wanted to be more like, or think on a similar level to. Part of my attempt of accomplishing that is stealing phrases.

Such is my life.

That's also something that I could think about. But I think I've gone off on a random subject enough for now. Where was I...let's get back on track, shall we?

I did want to blog because...well, why not, really. Which is my reason for doing many a thing, and I tend to highly resent the people who don't think that's a logical reason. Life would not be nearly as enjoyable were it solely made up of logic. It would be a more sensible place in many respects, but perhaps not always as enjoyable.

I can see various flaws in that theory, and yet still a few truths. I am in a thinking mood tonight, aren't I? I'll tell you what I'm really in the mood for: I really want to just go out with somebody and relax somewhere. Preferably under the stars, or by water, be it still or running, or perhaps even inside after a storm, as I am now. Those are usually the best times for thinking. For me. I want to relax with said somebody, and just think, and just say and explain everything I'm thinking, or dreaming, or believing in at the moment. I want to completely pour myself out there without any fears or doubts.

That's what I want to do.

And of course everybody who knows me really well is going, excuse me Robyn, you know what would really happen. You would sit down with said somebody, open your mouth to say all that, realize that your stupid brain can't find words to say all that, and then change the subject to something dumber and less deep and on a level of which you can actually find words for.

Maybe that's true. Maybe I want to try to get better with words. Maybe by sitting down and at least attempting to talk about all of that would help me become better.

Of course, said somebody would have to be willing to put up with a lot of pauses while I search through my mind for a way to say things. I'm not sure everybody likes to put up with that.

But again, I stray from my original point.

That is actually another reason why I wanted to blog. Because I am really in the mood to just explain myself fully, and put myself out there for the world, whether that be good or bad.

However, the downside to that is, I'm not prepared to do that on a blog. But at least I've put the thought out there, so everybody reading this will know that I was, at some point, prepared to do this. The chances that I'm prepared to do it the next time you see me are slim. But now you know that I do in fact have these moments.

For the last little while I've really wanted to just have a conversation with another dreamer. I walk around my house at night (for I generally think better when I walk or pace) and I go through all my thoughts, beliefs, and dreams, both night and day dreams. I think of things that other people may find ridiculous, but I find wonderful. I believe in things that can't possibly be real, and yet I still believe in them.

And I find myself wondering if anybody else does this. Sometimes I feel all alone in my strange world, and it seems like everybody around me is a realist.

I don't know if I'd rather be a realist or not. Maybe I'd get more done. Maybe I'd actually start focusing on what's really important, instead of living in my own little world all the time.

Would I enjoy life as much? I don't know yet.

The little voice in my head who always seems to know the real reason I do things, even if I don't know them, is telling me that I'm writing this for a very specific person.

I know. I'm not even going to try to argue that fact. The chances of them reading this? Slim. The chances of them knowing this if I never even put it out there? None. It's a start, right?

And after a little talking on msn I believe I've been pulled out of my 'put myself out there' mood. Now I'm just me. And my mind is beginning to fail at thinking of things to write on my blog.

Which is probably for the best. This is long enough as it is.

I need to start hanging out with my friends more. That always keeps me out of this mood.

Anyways, I'm going to end this, because if I attempt to keep going I'll just end up going in circles. You've had your daily dose of Robyn's mind, which is probably more than you wanted anyways.

If you're wondering what I do during these phases of mine, I generally pace around the house, running through conversations with my various selves and playing scenarios I've made up for myself in my head.

Along with other things. But those have their own time and place to be explained, and it is neither now, nor here.

~Calminaiel~

"Did you guys take the dogs for a walk?"
"Nope. The ice cream man came to our house today."

Tattoos

Yeah. I got a couple airbrush tattoos at Stampede. I like them. =)

Is it bad that I suddenly felt the urge to get a real tattoo based on the look and response of my uncle when he saw them?

Is it also bad that I want to live life the way I want to, and be completely happy, just to rub it in his face, and show him it is possible to be happy in life, and not regret every single decision I've made?

I swear I'm not living my entire life just to spite my uncle. I only do when he happens to be in the room.

~Calminaiel~

"Now, what did we learn this week that we can bring home and contribute to our family and community?"

Alright, guys

I think I've finally figured it out. At least for now.

At this moment, I am calm. Which I'm sure is probably a great relief for everybody who's had a put up with my random panicked shpeals about nothing.

So, after many a conversation with myself ["Um, Self, really? I don't think so."], a good heart to heart talk with my emotions ["You know it's true."], many an argument with logic ["Does this seem like a logical situation to you? Learn to make an appearance when you're actually needed."], and a random and unwelcome appearance from my overly cautious side ["What? Who let you in here?"], I have finally accepted the fact that I know as much as I can know at the moment, and there's no use worrying about what I don't know until it comes to it. And even then I shouldn't worry about what's going to happen, because really, it's a win-win situation either way.

As a side note, I still blame Logic for letting Overly Cautious in. It just seems like something he'd do.

That being over and done with, I am currently sitting on my bed with Champ beside me. He's good company, no matter what mood you're in. And he's so cute.

Did I ever tell you about the time I took a nap with him? Not kidding. I was so tired, I forget why. Probably the end of the semester or something. I came into my bedroom and he's already lying on my bed. So I lay down beside him, with his back against my chest, and put my arm over him and doze for a while. Exactly when the transfer from dozing to sleeping occurred, I'm not sure. But I definitely woke up 45 minutes later and we were both in the exact same position.

Today was a pretty lazy day. Champ never got overly excited whenever I walked around, because it was pretty lousy outside. Cloudy, windy, the whole nine yards. He knew there was no way I was taking him for a walk in that weather. I love you sweetie, but I don't love wind. Plus, the last time we went for a walk when it was super cloudy, we got hailed on. So we just cruised inside today.

He did get a little spooked when the thunder started. But by the time it really got up, Uncle Chester was home to distract him, so that was okay.

Yes, Champ. I know you love to have your belly rubbed. But I'm blogging. Give me a minute.

Today I was eating my pizza pop (why I still have pizza pops when I have endless time to make a real meal, I have no idea), and I always give him my plate with the various pizza fillings that escaped. He knows I always give it to him, so he's sitting nearby while I'm on the couch, reading the paper and eating. When I finish, I put the plate on my lap and call him over. Now, I very very rarely give him food for free. It just doesn't happen.

So I tell him to put his head down. A usual request when I'm too lazy to make him do a real trick. He knows that this move is most effective when he puts his head on me (whether it's my leg, knee, stomach, etc. depends on the situation), and put his ears forward, because I'm always more likely to give him food when he looks cute. He knows this. He can be stupid, but he's not that stupid.

However, with the plate already on my lap, this makes things difficult. I tell him to put his head down. He glances first at me, then the plate, which is already only 2 inches from his nose, before looking casually somewhere else in the room.

I don't blame him. That plate was already very close, and I could tell it was tempting, especially as he knew he was going to get it anyways. But I trust him, and I was pretty sure he could find a way to put his head down and still resist the plate.

I tell him again to put his head down. Again, he looks at me, glances at the plate, and casually attempts to look away. Again, I say to put his head down.

So finally he turns towards me, puts his head down as far away as he possibly can from the plate, which means putting his head far up on my lap, so he's actually pressing against my stomach, and stares straight ahead. Even if you didn't even know him, you would be able to tell he was obviously trying not to think about the plate an inch away from his head.

Now, how can all of that not be completely adorable. He definitely earned his treat.

And now his paw is moving. Oh, and his nose too. He's so cute when he dreams. =)

~Calminaiel~

"Oh, are you sure all you want to take is the jingly balls? You sure you wouldn't like...say...all of this furniture?"

Quick question

For everyone who understands this:

Is it really that obvious? Or is it just because you know me really well? And if it is obvious, should I be worried about how obvious it is?

I'm not kidding. These are not rhetorical questions. I really want to know. Please let me know.

~Calminaiel~

"Sometimes I can hardly even believe that we're related."

Bassoon

It's not a very creative title, but seems appropriate for this post.

However, before I go into that, I must express the fact that - *Statement deleted because of Chloe. Blame her.*

That's all I'm going to say about that.

Other than the fact that I really need to think about things before I do them.

Now, moving on.

I went out to Banff with Mike, Liz, and Elly today.

Momentary facebook check...sorry, *Ellie*. Now that that's off my conscious...

It was really a lot of fun. Good bassoon talk (which I also kinda felt way too over my head for me to actually participate in...but it was still cool to listen to), good general hanging out and talking and catching up. All very nice.

The concert was very awesome. It started with a violin concerto that I've never heard before, but I really enjoyed it. And that's saying something. I don't usually like to listen to violin. But I did like it. I didn't even mind the musician's movements that went along with it.

I'm starting to become more tolerable about musician's moving to the music. I used to hate it, as there's not really any point, and I found it annoying. And to a certain extent, I kind of still do find it annoying, but only when it seems like the musician is going out of their way to move. To look more artistic, or something. Whatever the purpose of that would be.

But I'm starting to find it interesting, and to a point, enjoyable, to watch musician's move as they play, as long as it doesn't look forced. I love watching people really get into the music they're playing. But in a completely natural way. Not in a 'look, I'm moving so I must obviously be very into my piece' sort of way. That's where it gets annoying.

The viola ensemble was also really cool. I forgot my program in Liz's car, but there must have been about 12 violas. There was one guy I could not take my eyes off of. Most of the time he looked like he was just frowning as he played. But if you watched him, you'd see he'd raise his eyebrows in an amused way at certain parts, and then the next moment there'd be the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth. His face was very expressive if you took the time to watch him.

And then they finished with Bugler's Holiday. On viola. Yeah. Personally, I think it's better on trumpet. Or bassoon (everything's better on bassoon). However, I can't deny that it was definitely amusing hearing a fanfare that is so obviously meant for trumpet being played by viola. It is definitely a little different. Leaves something to be desired, as one might say.

Of course, one might say the same thing when hearing that you can actually get a performance degree on euphonium. But that's a different story.

Then the bassoons. Oh the bassoons. Nine of them, plus a contra. Quite an awesome sound. It was great listening to all the them blend, and yet come out with their own individual sound at the same time.

Listening to this ensemble made me realize something. I can never quit music. Though I shouldn't say it that way.

Rather, I will never quit music.

I haven't practiced for a little over two weeks now. And watching those bassoonists play, and listening to it, I already felt like I regretted letting those two weeks go by without playing my bassoon. I felt like I had wasted so much time, and at that moment I couldn't understand why I had even wanted to put it down in the first place.

Overall, my feelings were that I missed my bassoon. A lot. I missed the familiar shape my mouth instinctively makes when I put a reed in my mouth. The feeling of playing a new piece of music and my brain, my fingers, my mouth, everything just works together to make the sound I need to make, and play what I need to play. The way that everything in life just doesn't seem that important when I'm sitting with my bassoon and working on a piece. Or scales. Or anything.

I won't lie, it didn't exactly renew my excitement for reed making. But we'll think about that one later. Back to the more wonderful thoughts.

As I was sitting there, realizing how much I've missed all this, I wondered how much stronger this feeling was if I wasn't just taking a break from music. If I had actually dropped it. How it would feel if I hadn't played for two years, rather than two weeks.

I won't lie, I can easily imagine, at that point, even if I was into some degree that could make me more money than I ever dreamed of, I would still drop everything and just pick up bassoon again.

So I'm going to start practicing again. I knew I would soon anyways. But it's nice to have something to remind you how much you love it. Although I knew that feeling would come back too. It always does after I take a break. I finally convince myself I have to get to it again, and I always feel a little sad that I have to get to work as I start putting my bassoon together.

But after I'm sitting down with it, and playing through something, anything, warm-ups, scales, a piece...I start to wonder how I ever could have felt disappointed about starting up again. I'm always reminded of how much I love this.

That's probably why breaks are healthy. Because a few weeks ago I was starting to question whether I could even make it as a musician. I was so tired of playing, and I didn't want to do it...I was just putting myself down, because if I don't want to practice, how could I ever be a musician?

Then when I get back into it, I know that I don't want to do anything else. How could I want to do anything else? I love music.

This feeling will usually last me for another year. Then it'll be time to take another break.

It's a healthy cycle, yes? Well, for now at least.

And I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm lucky that something's working out for me, even if it's only for now. It's more then I can say for some other things happening in my life right now.

I shouldn't say that. It makes things seem worse than they really are. Life right now is pretty good actually. Quite good, really. I just won't deny that they could be a little better.

To be perfectly honest, I'm almost in the mood to expand on my opening, out-of-nowhere comment that I made. But something (I believe it's the voice in my head that I've named Logic) is telling me it's a better idea not too.

"There's a better time, place, and person to explain those things to, and none of those include now, here, and on your blog."

Very wise words, logic. That's why I keep you around. Now where were you last night?

"...I took a coffee break."

Yeah. Thanks for that. I'm off to have a word with Logic about these so called 'coffee breaks' and why they're not allowed. At least not when the rest of me isn't having one.


~Calminaiel~

"So I'm completely drunk, having been drinking beer and tequila shots all day, and my orchestra conductor's trying to talk to me about tomorrow's rehearsal times."

Story time

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...

Nope...both of those are wrong.

Once upon a time...

No. That infers that it's going to be some kind of fairy tale. It's not really.

There once was a girl named Robyn...

Sounds like the beginning of a limerick...and if you think I'm telling this entire story in limerick form, you've got another thing coming...

Okay, nevermind the beginning. The point is, I actually have a somewhat interesting story to tell today. True story. Happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Me (befriended to) *insert friend here* (befriended to) Me.

For example, Rae's my friend, and I'm her friend. Therefore, a friend of a friend of mine could in fact be myself.

Anyways.

So my brother's gone to some summer acting camp. Fun stuff, and I get the house to myself. Which is all well and dandy. But now I need to bug myself to walk the dogs, rather than him doing that for me. By the time I figure I should walk the dogs, there are super dark clouds just over Nose Hill. They really don't look friendly. But the sun is still out, so I figure that maybe they just look worse than they really are, and it'll all just pass over without doing anybody any harm.

I make all the necessary preparations, and we're off for a walk. Of course, just after I leave, the lightening and thunder starts. Oh well. I'm a fan of lighting and thunder. The clouds are still looking a tad ominous, but whatever.

I take my favorite path to take on Nose Hill, which is the path that winds through the bottom of the little valley that goes through the hill for a while. So I do that. About halfway down the valley I find one of those little stick forts that we used to find. Usually they're in tepee form, but this one looks like a little house, high enough for you to stand up in, and probably about four square feet of room in it. Not bad. It's neat. I go check it out, since I've never seen one built in this part of the valley before. Then I move on.

As I'm walking, it starts to rain. I like rain. Then it rains harder. Since the lighting and thunder started, Champ has stuck very close to me, walking right in front of me and slowing to look back at me every few seconds or so. I've had to encourage him to keep walking almost the entire time. And the raindrops are getting a little bigger, and even slightly solid (as I can see a few slush-drops land on Champ) so I just tell him to keep moving and we'll just hang out under the next bunch of trees for a while. Which doesn't come for quite a ways, but whatever.

The next bunch of trees happens to be the end of the valley, where I usually walk up and around the hill before going back down. Now, I'm not a paranoid person, but even so, I though...hm...lots of lightning...top of a hill...maybe not the best mix. It's still only raining, so I call Champ and give Dex a shout, and we turn to walk back home by the way we came.

A little ways back, the rain starts pelting. Like, really pelting. I put my sleeves (which are totally soaked, and about two inches longer than they usually are) over the back of my neck, because it's starting to sting when the rain hits it. And I start to see little bits of ice bouncing off the ground. I like being out in storms as much as anybody else, but being out, with an unprotected neck and head in the hail? Hm, not so much. So I hurry along the path back to that little wood fort I saw earlier.

Not that it's much shelter. It's not like it has a real roof, just a bunch of logs and sticks. But it does stop the hail from pelting speed, and reduces it to more of a gentle dropping speed. Which is for sure nicer. Dexy's still walking around and exploring, but Champ's super close to me by this point. At one point I feel him leaning against me as we're sitting through the hail storm, and he is sitting behind me, with his head pressed against the side of my leg, and he's quivering with every fiber of his being. Poor guy.

I put my hand (or rather, dripping wet sleeve) on his head, and chat to him, call him by his various nicknames and joke around and laugh, and eventually he calms down. By calms down, I mean he just stops quivering within every inch of his life. Which is a start.

After a while (hail never really lasts too long) it slows down, and it gets a little lighter. I wait until I'm positive it's no longer hailing, and only raining, before I suggest to the dogs that we head home. Champ's still nervous, even though there's no hail, lightning, or thunder, but that's okay. He sticks close to me the whole way home. Dexy couldn't care less.

I wasn't only soaked by the end of this walk. I was wet to the point where I could not be any wetter. I hit my maximum wetness by the time I got to the end of the valley, so you can only imagine what it was like when I actually got home. You could have pushed me into a pool and I would not have come out any wetter than before.

All in all, good time. Three of us when up the hill, three of us came back. All's well that ends well I suppose. And it was really fun. I wouldn't have minded having somebody to share the experience with, as long as they're like me, and have no problem with being out in storms and hail and rain and such.

I had some good conversations with Champ. Which is always healthy every once in a while.

~Calminaiel~

"She won't mind if you couldn't see her. Their goal is to make everybody look pretty much the same."

Multiple personalities

Okay, so since I am currently unable to sum up myself as a whole at the moment, I figure I'll just let all the various things going on in my head speak for themselves, and then you can come to your own conclusions. Deal?

Deal.

Also, I'm too lazy to come up with names for all of them this time, so just assume that every time I start a new paragraph, it's a new thought / voice / whatever.

Starting now.

And of course as soon as I say all that, everything in my head decides to shut up.

New plan: I am going to say everything I am thinking in as short and blunt a way as possible.

Go.

It sucks that practically no old MusiCamp friends are coming back this year. I need to start practicing. I really wanted to call you tonight, and the urge to do so is getting stronger. I shall succumb to said urge by the end of the week. Just so you are warned. I don't feel like thinking about university at all until at least August. Late August if I can pull it off. If I wasn't afraid of wind I'd have the urge to go on a late night walk, but it's windy, so I'll have to be content with pacing around the house. Which is quickly becoming a habit, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I feel really bad about snapping at people, or panicking for something that's not worth panicking about. I can't decide if I'm talkative, or not talkative at all tonight.

Why do I always feel like I'm at two completely different ends of a spectrum? I'm either extremely happy, or really not. I either take life too seriously, or not seriously enough. I either want to talk a lot, or not at all. I'm either overly optimistic, or overly pessimistic.

The list goes on. I have a feeling I should stop writing now. I'm not sure why.

~Calminaiel~

"Is that a really round about way of saying I love you?"

Definitions

These are all taken from http://dictionary.reference.com

Beautiful:

- having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind:

- wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying

- wonderful; fantastic

Beauty:

- the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)

- an individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm

Do any of these definitions include how skinny somebody is? How small their jean size is? How much eyeshadow, or cover-up they use? What designer brand they're wearing, or how expensive their dress is?

Then why are there still people who think these are the things that define beauty?

I was going to blog about love, but I've also been thinking about doing this for a while now. So I'll save that for next time. Unless you think that I talk about love way too much, then I'll shut up on the subject.

Or rather, I'll tell you I will, and then eventually just post on it anyways. Because it's my blog.

And I'm both a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. Deal with it.

~Calminaiel~

"What would you do
If I sang out of tune,
Would you try
To shoot me in the face?"

Extremely restless

If somebody, at some point, wants to grab a knife, come to my house, and just cut out my uterus, that would be fine by me.

Heck, come without a knife, you can use one of mine.

I hate cramps with a passion.

Current physical status: see title
Current psychological status: undetermined
Current emotional status: annoyed at cramps, but otherwise see above status

As you can tell, I'm still waiting.

I could go on about something, but I have a feeling it may be misinterpreted by some, and at the moment I don't feel like taking that risk. Even though I haven't cared in previous blogs, but this time is different.

I'll raise this issue on a later date. If I forget, remind me.

On a side note, I saw Wall-E today. Adorable movie, it's great. The first Pixar movie to make me cry. Twice. =P

~Calminaiel~

"Well, in this game we don't have Supermarkets. We get our red crayons by digging them up at the dump."

Waiting for further developments

I'll let you know.

~Calminaiel~

"My smile is stapled onto my face. But the staples are real gold!"

Dirty Little Secret

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you`ll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
find out games you don't wanna play
you are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret


Who has to know?
Who has to know?

- The All-American Rejects

~Calminaiel~

"I'm going to a party at Sam's house tomorrow. And I'll be staying the night because it's one of those kinds of parties..."
"Really? I'm not sure if I approve of such parties."
"But...I've gone to these kinds of parties before."
"Yes, I know, I was just attempting to fill the role of a responsible parent."

The long and winding road

"There are many twists and turns in the road of life. Many bends to go around. And this road takes you many places. Many places. The road of life may bring you to places that you never really expect to go. And eventually the road of life will bring you to the gas station of life. And the gas station in life will help you along, and be a stopping point when you need it. And then it will also bring the bathroom of life. Many interesting things may happen in this bathroom, and it could possibly change your life. [I'm going to lose my virginity and morals in a bathroom?] But then you return to the road of life, and all the turns and bends that come with it. And this road of life will take you many places, and through many places (for instance, Banff)[Which, is the the STD capitol, by the way]. And through all this, the road may be difficult and hold dangers [like STDs?] and you must look after your tires and get them through it. [I have to check my tires for STDs?]. Remember to change them seasonally and check their air pressure. [I should change boyfriends seasonally?] [Is anybody actually following this?] [Not really.] [I stopped listening.] [I definitely got lost.] [What's going on?]"

-Elliot's attempted...supportive? motivational? encouraging? inspirational?...talk for Rae, narrated ( [ ] ) by the rest of us, Kees, Rae, Miranda, Sam, and myself.

~Calminaiel~

"I am man! I have testicular power!"

Something about fire

Why do we take life so seriously?

It's just silly.

Maybe because it's easier than trying to convince ourselves it's no big deal.

~Calminaiel~

"That'll be next on my blog: Abstinence and the City."

Listen

I want to tell you about walking with nowhere to go.

I want to tell you about how rash I am, and how I don't want to be judged because of it.

I want to tell you about that moment when all my emotions explode out of me.

I want to tell you about the moment after, when suddenly all those voices in my head stop, and I'm all alone.

I want to tell you about the silence that doesn't need to be filled.

I want to tell you about the smell of pollen and dandelion spores.

I want to tell you about the doe who looked at me.

I want to tell you about how reality isn't always as realistic as we think it is.

I want to tell you about how I was always expecting you to run into me, and we could just talk for hours on end.

I want to tell you about my views, dreams, and beliefs about life.

I want to tell you everything I've gone through, and how it's made me who I am right now.

I want to tell you everything.

But I won't. It can't be explained in a blog.

Even if you really want to know, enough so that you remember this blog when you see me next, and we're all alone, and you say 'Robyn, tell me about everything you mentioned', I won't.

I'll want to. But I'll just look you in the eyes, and open my mouth to say it all.

And then that familiar barrier between me and words will materialize again, and even though I may have known what I wanted to say when I thought about it from a distance, once it really comes to it, I'll lose it.

It happens every time.

So I'll just close my mouth, and smile, and make some excuse, like how I was in a weird mood when I wrote this. Then I'll change the subject to something simple that I can keep up with in conversation.

My one comfort is that I'm learning how to tell you everything. I promise I am. And one day, I swear I will actually tell you.

It'll be dark. And even though there may be other people in the room...tens, hundreds, thousands...I'll feel all alone.

But I'll welcome the solitude. Because it won't be real solitude. It'll be everything finally coming together.

I'll be up there. The light will come on. And I'll begin my story.

Which story I'll tell will be different every time. But I'll tell it. And I won't be using words. That would be too limiting for everything I want to say. Besides, I already said I'm no good with words.

There will be no words. But you'll understand. Finally, after years of learning how to convey emotions, and tell tales, I'll be able to make you understand. I'll open up and pour everything out to you.

Providing you're willing to listen to the starving musician on that stage, with dreams too big for life itself.

~Calminaiel~

"Never give up on your music."

Nifty!

Yes, I got a nifty new list of blog links. Check it out --->

I know. You're all jealous. =)

Features: it lists all the blogs by how recent they were updated, and lists the title of the most recent post.

Not that you couldn't have figured that out for yourself, but I felt the need to say it out loud, just because it's that cool. Plus, now I can use that to see which ones have been updated, instead of having to check all of them every night. Time saver! (by, like, 30 seconds, but whatever)

Other than that, I'm basically just blogging to show you a little excerpt of what is going on in my mind right now...

Self: Life is beautiful. Summer's here, it's warm, high school is over...

Musician: Practice for your frickin' exam! Studies! You shall fail them!

Self: Ah, negative thoughts! You are not wanted here! Repress! Repress!

Musician: Don't shut me out! You know it's true!

Guilt factor: How will you ever succeed with this attitude? You need to practice to be a musician! And you're not practicing! How can you call yourself a real musician!

Self: Repress! Repress!

Clueless optimism: Oh, it's so sunny out. Finally having nothing to do is wonderful. Everything will be fine. You're fine for your pieces, and your excerpts, and even scales aren't that bad. We'll be fine. Life is beautiful, and wonderful, and gorgeous...

Procrastination: Besides, you can practice later. All you really need to do is look over them. And anything that you really can't play, it's kind of too late to fix it anyways. So, really...

Self: Okay, maybe you guys are right. I'm okay.

Musician: Practice, you loser!

Guilt factor: You're going to fail! Fail!

Self: Shut up! Help me out guys!

Optimism: Tralalala, life is grand...life is wonderful...

Guilt factor: Failure!!

Self: Optimism! Work harder!

Optimism: Tralalala, he'll go away eventually...

Self: That's not helping.

Imagination: Hm, what could we bring out...we have your Raven storyline we could go into. Or you had that fascinating dream last night we could focus on...

Self: That's true. That really was interesting. There was this guy, and we were in this house...

Musician: Practice!! Practice!!

Self: Ouch, that load of negative feeling hit me like a load of bricks.

Guilt Factor: Good! Do something about it!

Self: Fine! Time to bring out the big guns...

ADD: Hey, look, a bird!

Self: Ooh, it's a really fat one. And he's just sitting in the yard. I wonder if he'll do anything...

ADD: Let's watch. Or even better, go water those flowers, they're looking a little wilty. Woah, Champ has a stick!

---

And the rest is history.

Seriously, my dream last night. There were a lot of different things, but the thing that was constantly happening was the fact that we were at a house resembling my grandparents, and Guys with Ties were there. Doing a gig...in the basement...whatever.

Anyways, there was this other guy who was really quiet and reserved and I like him, and talked to him and hung out with him a bunch. For some reason I couldn't remember his name. Like, ever. All I could remember was that his middle name was Ryley.

So when Ryley (Guys with Ties, Ryley) came over, I introduced him as Ryley, mostly because I thought it was funny to introduce Ryley and Ryley.

Then dream Ryley laughed and said that wasn't actually his name, and I'm like, yeah, it's his middle name, but I thought it would be funny to introduce you two like that. Then we all laughed, but it was slightly awkward, because I just didn't introduce him by his first name, because I couldn't remember it. Then it struck me how much middle name Ryley looked like Guys with Ties Ryley. And I have a vague thought that maybe that's why I liked him. =P

I also remember taking the bus to work. I don't know where I worked, or what I did, but I took the bus there. Some little very nice girl worked with me, as well as Carson.

There was also something about me picking up a trombone like I was actually going to play with Guys with Ties...then I saw Erika coming up with hers and I was like 'What am I thinking? I can't play trombone.' and I put it down again. It was a really crappy trombone, and that's coming from somebody who doesn't play it.

And that's about all I remember. Anybody wanna try looking that up in the dream dictionary? I would, but I wouldn't even know what to look up...there doesn't exactly seem to be a common theme throughout that.

Oh, another note about middle name Ryley. He was always in the basement, and he liked the dark, so whenever I went there, I'd have to look around for him in the dark before I actually found him. And once I found him in a chair all curled up in a little ball, and I went over to him and just hugged him, and it was sweet, and he was cute. =)

Then Guys With Ties Ryley came over and interrupted us, and caused the awkward introduction. =P

~Calminaiel~

"Brittany's drinking! That's just crazy and- I DON'T CARE!"

101 things, in 1001 days

Well, not actually for me. Rather, this is me taking the things from Rae's list that I want to do with her. Then I can say I helped and supported her, and a lot of them (meaning all, really) would be a lot of fun.

Therefore, here are the things I want to do with Rae, sometime in the next 1001 days:

Go on a real hike, on a trail not marked 'easy', with trail mix and everything.
For one month, do one hundred sit ups a day. (Mostly because I might actually do it if I were with her =P)
Do the yoga routine every day for one month.
Go swimming (at least twenty lengths) once a week for six months.
Be goal weight (lose twenty pounds). (We can work towards it together!)

Attend an art show.
Learn to knit and knit a scarf someone would actually wear. (I'll wear it!!)
Make a piece of visual art (like a collage) for the dorm room. (Or just my room)
Learn guitar. The opening lick to Seven Nation Army and the James Bond theme song do not count. (Been a dream of mine since the dawn of time itself.)
Take a stained-glass course. (Much fun!)
Type up my last three journals so I have a legible copy of them. (Partially just because I like typing...but it would also be interesting to go through them...we can have a typing party.)

Buy one pair of impractical underwear just to say I own it. (Because can you imagine that shopping trip? Can you say, 'fun!')
Spend a whole day at a spa, no cellphone.
Buy a 'To Write Love on Her Arms' t-shirt. (You can never have too many t-shirts)

Run a 10K race. Run 60% of the way. (We'll see each other through it)
Jump off the 10m platform at a dive tank
Own a fish. Keep it alive. (I wouldn't mind a fish)
Buy a small bikini and wear it to the pool. Feel good about myself. (Well, maybe not the small part, but everything else, yes)
Own two houseplants. Keep them alive. (Sorry, Rae, I already have 26, but I'll help you through it. Even better, I can give you said two houseplants...as long as you like spider plants)
Take a ballroom dance class. Sign up without a partner. (We'll sign up separately)
Eat at a restaurant and see a movie alone. (I know you said alone, but I want you to know I would do this with you, if said condition wasn't there)
Put 10% of every paycheck into savings account. (Saving is always good)

Donate blood. (This summer, Rae!)

Read War and Peace (It's apparently good...)

Learn enough sign language to be able to have a conversation with my cousins. (Minus the cousin part, but I'd like to know sign language)
Visit Montreal and Vieux-Quebec, speak only French. (Provided I have enough french for that, but I'd like to)
Learn how to say 'love' and 'where is the bathroom?' in fifteen languages. (Three down, twelve to go!) (That's a good friend project.)

Go camping, in a tent, for at least two nights.
Go parasailing.
Swim with dolphins.
Take a self-defense course.
Go snorkeling. (Already done, it's so much fun.)
Kayak at least once in a real lake. (Also, a lot of fun. Except I was in the ocean)

Watch all three LOTR Extended Editions in a row. (Again, summer project!)
Frame at least ten pictures of friends for dorm room. (I need more pictures of my friends...pictures that don't require me to go on facebook to see them...)

If my counting is correct, that's 34 things that I'd like to do with Rae / help her do. 34 out of 101. That's like, one third of all her things.

That comment was random. I apologize.

Except it's my blog, so I don't.

Rae: did you take note of all those things that we could do over the summer before you leave? I hope so. =)

The only other options I had for my blog tonight was a rant about my uncle, or more conversations taken straight from my mind. I figured this option was probably both more interesting, and more sane than those two. Was I right?

~Calminaiel~

"You mean I'm not supposed to be doing anything sexual over the internet? Damn. I suppose that means I have to break up with my five online relationships as well? Yeah, thought so..."

And then...

We're all where we usually are. All of us. And then it happened. They came in, wanting to prove a point. What that was, I never quite figured out. But they did. The threats, the weapons, it was all there.

They took him. Again they wanted to prove something. They used the line they've been using since the dawn of time - 'So unless anybody else has any better suggestions, we'll be going.'

And I stepped forward with my classic line - 'take me'.

So they took me away, and did what they wanted. Everything they wanted. Use your imagination.

And then they took me back. For no reason. That's just what they did.

And I was confused. I didn't feel the way I thought I should. I was scared, but that was only something in the back of my mind. I wasn't scarred, or feeling like my life was ending.

I spoke aloud, for no reason. Because I wanted them to know. I tried to figure it out. Finally I came to one conclusion.

'I'm happy. I'm happy because I know I made a difference now. And I'm happy because now you're still here, so I can tell you that you're one of the most amazing people I know, and I hope we never drift apart, because I love having you as a friend.'

Then I pulled myself out of my daydream, and wandered into my room to practice.

~Calminaiel~

"Ah, my mistake. We'll kill it together, then. =)"

Lost again.

My brother's growing up.

And he's a boy.

I don't know how to deal with this.

I'm also using his headphones.

Thanks.

~Calminaiel~

"Thank you for not following my conducting."
"Um, sure...anytime..."

Neptunium

Ever studied nuclear physics? There you go.

String players.
Fred counts beats, not bars.
That weird smile.
The niceness of it all.
Lime flavored salsa chips.
Or lack thereof.
Hotel rooms.
Hormones and logic.
Just a 'for now' boyfriend.
Pianists.
Sun burnt head.
Mosquitoes.
Lips gone raw.
My uncle who won't get out of my house!
On the verge of tears.
On the verge of throwing something out of anger.
Conversations in my head.
The question of sanity.
Needing a break.
Needing to practice.
Radio therapists.
Learning to drive.
Getting a job.
Finding a life.
Words. Words, words, words.
Expensive wine.
Expensive trips.

My apologies. I have so much going on in my head right now, my train of thought isn't even a little wobbly, or even weaving drastically. It's fricking transporting itself across the entire planet in the span of seconds. It's actually quite frightening.

So, in the course of this if I randomly come out with a statement, or even a few words, that make no sense (as in the list above) forgive me, it's just my mind jumping back and forth.

Hot showers.

I promised I would give examples of what was going through my mind today during dress rehearsal, so here you go.

Violinists.

Dammit. I cannot let this get to me.

Anyways, my mind, dress rehearsal. Back on topic.

As a side note, you'll meet many sides of Robyn's mind during this. I've given them the most appropriate names I can think of. I hope they suffice.

Self: Bloch time. The one concerto I don't really mind. It's enjoyable to play. You ready Fred? I actually kind of need you for this one.

Fred: Am I ever not ready? Really?

Self: Yes. But nevermind that now.

(halfway through)

Self: Okay, here it comes. Dramatic tempo change part. C'mon Fred.

Fred: I know, I always catch this one. 1 + 2 + 3...+......4........+...........1 + 2 +...

Self: Thank you.

(near the end)

Self: Oh crap, intense tuning. (C) okay, not bad... (C) again, not bad... (Db)

Inner Critic: Holy hannah! Dive, dive, you're way too sharp!

Second guesser: No, pull up! Pull up! This octave is way to close, it's barely an octave! Up!

Self: That was a beautiful glare from the conductor, wasn't it? Shall we attempt to tune that next time?

Everybody: Heck yes.

Fred: Way to go Robyn.

Self: Shut up Fred. Your job is to count, not tune.

(next concerto)

Self: Oh the Beethoven. How joyous. Counting time. Wait for the quiet slow part to pass...alright, here we go. 1...2...3...4...5...(etc)...10...why is everybody getting ready...11...we don't play until after 15...12...oh right, strings come in first...13...14..15...

Inner Critic: Wow, this reed sounds lovely doesn't it. Especially when you have to play loud in order to hear yourself. Buzzy.

Self: Shut up, it'll last me for a little longer. 1...2...3...4...5...how far do we count again?...6...right, to 26...7...8...I wonder what I do after this...9...oh wonderful...10...another 61 bars of rest...11...something to look forward to...12...

Self: ...28...29...oh no, why is Alicia coming in?...30...right, she has her own solo without me...30...that's okay...31...does that mean I'm still in the right place?...32...if she still has 29 bars of rest...33...does that add up to 60?...34...I can't do math and count at the same time...35...I'll just trust that I am...

Self: I was definitely supposed to play an Ab, not a C. Let's not do that next time. Hm, there's James' dad taking pictures. I wonder if I sit up a little bit more if he can see me. Is he pointing the camera at me. Better look like I'm being all professional and what not. 43...44...45...what am I supposed to be counting to again?...46...ah, 15...47...wait, 15? How am I in the 40s if I'm only supposed to be going to 15? Fred?! Help!

Fred: Hey, don't look at me. I count beats, not bars

Self: Thanks for the help. Time to trust that I'll know when to come in.

(next concerto)

Self: Alright, violin concerto. Last one, and I am out of here. And Timothy's playing it, and he's not a bad guy, as string players go.

(little voice): Yeah, he does seem really nice.

Self: It's true, he does.

(little voice): And that smile he has is pretty awesome too.

Self: Yes it...wait a minute. I know where this is going...

(little voice): I wonder if I should I have talked to him a little more this year.

Self: No! None of those thoughts! Stop trying to disguise yourself, Hormones, I know who you are now.

Stereotypical musician: A string player? Seriously? Excuse me, when did we decide we fell for string players?

Logic: Last summer.

Stereotypical musician: That one doesn't count.

Logic: Why not?

Stereotypical musician: ...he's American.

Stereotypical Canadian: And that makes it better...how?

Self: Everybody shut up! We're trying to deal with hormones here! We have a piece to rehearse and it's going to be extremely tough if hormones keep wanting to cut in!

Hormones: Well damn, Robyn, we're not getting anything anywhere else. Besides, look at him.

Self: No! No more looking! You stare at your music, Robyn! There will be no falling for anybody on the last concert of the season.

Logic: Yes indeed. Besides, university's coming after this summer. You'll have plenty to think about then.

Self: Exactly.

Hormones: But that's so far away! And we definitely won't be getting any over the summer.

Logic: Well, summer will go by faster than you think. Just calm down. I thought we already decided that we don't need any of this, and we're fine on our own.

Hormones: Excuse me? Maybe for the rest of you, but I am my own category. I have nothing to do with being on our own.

Self: Alright everybody, quiet. We're starting. We'll address this issue later. And Hormones, no more speaking up in rehearsal.

Hormones: You know you like it.

Self: I said quiet! Fred, get over here and start working.

Fred: I am here. 1 + a 2 + a 3 + a...

Voice of reason: You know you've totally just realized that you have a crush on a violinist on the last day of orchestra?

Self: Shut up.

---

So that was my orchestra experience today. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it...

And if you're wondering, I don't make up these conversations afterwards. They do actually happen exactly like this, in the moment. Sometimes I wonder if that happens to anybody else, or if I'm the only one with various voices going on in my head...

That is, until I realize I don't care either way. =P

I think Julie and Rae probably know my various voices the best...

Just as a random comment. =P

Alright, I think my head is finally empty. At least, as empty as its ever going to get.

~Calminaiel~

"I hate her guts, but I love this tie!"

Lists

I always get an idea of a list to make. It can be any kind of list. And I usually don't end up going through with it. Either life takes me away, or I figure it's not worth it, or something else distracts me of it.

I wonder if it'll be the same this time.

For now, I must get off the computer. My brother has a friend over, and he's sleeping in the living room.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I won't say anything, because I know I'm staying at home for university, and you're paying for that, and for probably a lot of other things I'll need over the next few years.

But still...

*looks pointedly at TV screen advertising laptops*

Not that I want to be the ungrateful child. Believe me.

Alright, I have to get out of here.

Goodnight Wayne. =P

~Calminaiel~

"You just picked your nose!"

Laughing by myself

I love seeing people happy.

I love watching Ryley walk on a stage to perform like that's what he was born to do.

I loved watching that hula hoop dance, and actually being able to see how much she loved doing that on her face as the music kicked up.

I loved seeing my dog's eyes light up when we got to the pond and I picked up a stick.

For anybody who hasn't had the chance to see an animal's eyes light up...I pity you. It's definitely something worth experiencing.

I love talking to my dog. Not because he think he actually listens or understands. Scratch that. I know he listens.

Holy crap. This is the first time I've realized something in the middle of writing a blog. Go me.

That is the reason I like talking to him. Is because he listens. Not to the words, or the emotions that come with them. He just listens to my voice.

Now that I know what I'm talking about, I suddenly don't know how to express it.

When we're at home, and he's laying on the floor, I'll say his name and he'll look up at me. When he's on my bed, and I tell him to move, he'll get off, but when I just tell him to scoot over, that's exactly what he'll do. When he's in the middle of drinking, I'll talk to him, and he'll wag his tail. When I call him on walks, he'll come to me. When I tell him to wait at a road, he won't cross until I tell him. He never runs over to other dogs until I say he can go say hi.

He trusts me. Where I go, he'll follow. When we're wrestling and he accidentally nips me, I'll exclaim, and he'll immediately get all quiet and lay on the floor, and most often nudge me with his nose.

I'm getting off topic. I just love him so much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I talk, he listens to my voice. And I know he does. By everything that I can't even explain to somebody who hasn't lived with him for 7 years.

Remember when I said that I had just realized something while blogging? Maybe I did up there...but now I've lost it.

I love thunder, but it scares him. I just heard him jump onto my bed as that last roll of thunder came around. =)

I'm trying to remember exactly what I figured out, but it's not coming. Something about him listening...something something...never judging...something something...never thinking about what I say at all, just being happy that I'm there...

That's definitely a big part of it. He doesn't care what stupid decisions I made that day, or who I upset, or whether I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. He's just always happy to see me, and happy when I give him attention, and come home at the end of the day and let him up on my bed for the night. Even when I'm in a horrible mood, and take it out on him, and yell and send him downstairs. Whether it's in the next three hours, or the next two seconds, when I eventually call him back up, he's not mad at me for doing that. He doesn't sulk because I was mean, or hold it against me, or anything. He's just happy that I'm happy again.

I keep trying to explain what I feel when I talk to him, but I just can't. I get flashes of the feeling, and when I try to write it down, it's gone.

I love him. A lot.

I think people need to be a lot more like dogs.

I also love it when I'm walking by myself and I'm really happy, and I can't help but smile, or laugh. I don't care what people around me may think. Why should you bottle up such a great feeling?

Speaking of which, there are moments like that. When I'm in a class, or rehearsal, and suddenly all my good feelings inside of me just seem to expand, and I have the sudden urge to just laugh and let them all out so I can enjoy life.

But that's never the right time. So I always have to take a deep breath in, to expand my chest and make more room for all that joy, and just hold it for a while before slowly exhaling.

Those are good times.

The world needs less pessimism. I can't stand it.

~Calminaiel~

"And we watched the whole thing from a safe and secure environment."

What's what

Has it ever occurred to anybody that sometimes it's not always the 'why?' that matters, but more 'why not?'

So, every time somebody tried to talk about my hair, and how weird it must be without it, I always attempt to brush them off and make it seem like it's not a big deal.

Here's why.

Because it's not.

Here's why in more detail.

The biggest thing you have to understand is that I've been thinking about this for a year and a half. I didn't show up to school, hear about it, and go, well, maybe I'll do that. No no. This used to be a big deal for me, and I took a while to actually decide to go for it, as previously explained.

So first of all, it's not that weird because I was thinking about it for that long, and actually in a way looking forward to not having to deal with it. When you anticipate something for that long, you don't exactly spend a great deal of time thinking about how weird it is when it actually happens.

Also previously explained is how scared I was that I'd be somebody else once my hair was gone. That I'd be thought of less, or thought if differently. And so on and so forth, I'm pretty sure I talked about that.

See, the thing is, I'm not different. I realized that the second I stood up from my chair when they finished cutting it all off. I am exactly the same person. I don't feel...anything. I'm me. I was me with hair, and I'm still me now that it's gone.

I actually cannot believe it's only been a week since I got it all off. It feels like it's been so much longer, simply because as a person, I'm still the same.

So the main reason I shrug off conversations about how weird it must be without my hair, is because I don't find it weird at all. Yeah, I still find some old habits coming back, like because I put in my contacts I still flip my head to the side as if I still have hair to get out of my eyes. But that's pretty much it.

Yes, I realize I made a big deal out of it before. Because I was seriously worried that I would change a lot, or at least in the eyes of others. But I didn't. And as soon as I realized that, it suddenly didn't seem like such a big deal anymore. Yeah, my hair's gone. It's not like it's a limb.

And yes, I know it's ironic that when I was freaking out before, people would be like 'it's only hair' and I'd secretly hate them for saying it, because it was more than 'only hair' to me. And now here I am, more or less saying, it was only hair.

So there you go. All that isn't to say I hate it when people talk about my hair (or lack thereof) in general. I don't mind that at all. It's just when people start going into the whole 'it must be so weird, you must be so light headed...' etc, etc. Whatever.

And if anybody was wondering, the story I wrote in my last post has a song based on it. I played it at summer camp. It's really sad. I was listening to it that morning, and had a sudden urge to tell its story.

~Calminaiel~

"I was wondering how I should let you know that I want to know exactly what happened. Then I figured, 'bluntly!'"

Themes of death

Young Molly Bawn had a lover. She loved him with all her heart, and he loved her just as much. They lived a little house of their own by the forest.

He had to go hunting. With a kiss goodbye, he headed out into the forest with his gun to hunt.

Young Molly couldn't bear to be parted with him. She had begged him to let her go with him, but he had denied, saying he'd be back before she knew it.

After sitting at home for a little while, she finally had to go after him. Smiling at the thought of being with him again, she swiftly ran into the forest after him, her skirts flying around her legs.

He's creeping among the trees, waiting for the deer. He freezes as he hears their feet. It sounds like only one deer, and it is running. He quickly hides behind a tree, waiting for it to pass him so he might get a shot at it.

Young Molly slows as the trees grow thicker. She knows he'll be hiding, and so she begins to wander quietly through the trees, peering around each one.

He frowns as the sound of the deer softens. He listens for a few moments, before realizing that the deer has merely slowed. It sounds like it's getting closer. He grips his gun, and risks a peek around the tree.

Molly freezes as she hears a noise. Maybe it's him. She looks around, trying to determine where the sound came from.

He sees a shadow among the trees, but it stops as soon as he moves. It must have heard him. It's now or never. He points his gun and shoots. It falls to the ground. He rises, and walks to it, happy that his hunt has been quick and successful. As he approaches the fallen figure and looks into its eyes, he falls to his knees with a cry.

He is hung the next morning for the murder of Young Molly Bawn.

Sometimes I feel like Polonius trying to keep up with Hamlet.

~Calminaiel~

"Yeah, my sister's into music."
"Oh, punk rock?"
"No...classical."

Davefest

As I was sitting in the audience tonight, it occurred to me that I had everything I could possibly want at this point in my life.

And yet I still walked out of there with some minor regrets.

Only minor. But I suppose it's hard to find a moment in life that we wouldn't do some small thing differently.

That's my tiny shpeal for the night. I don't feel like going into detail.

Guys with Ties played fabulously, as they always do. That's all I'm going to say about that.

And if I could move my hips like that hula hoop dancer...

I'll leave the rest of that phrase to your imagination.

Now to get ready for a cast party, in which I may or may not be included. We'll have to see.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm fuzzy."

Bubbly

I'm feeling awesomely.

So awesomely, that I don't even feel like going into detail on all the reasons I feel awesome.

I probably will eventually. But for now I'd just like to keep them to myself. I feel like I've been expressing a lot of myself lately, and for now I'd just like to keep this to me. Not for any self-conscious reasons. Just because I feel like it.

Hehe. =)

Adam was kind of right.

And on another topic, I really wish Kelsk didn't have to go on tour. I'm sure she'll have a blast, despite the lack of sleep (who actually sleeps on music trips anyways?), but still...it always seems like she leaves just before something happens of which I have to talk to her about. =P

Three days!

~Calminaiel~

"It's 'Come as you are' day! No doing hair, makeup, and wearing whatever makes you feel good!"
"But...you already never do your hair...you never wear makeup...and you always wear whatever makes you feel good...so isn't that just like any other day?"
"Yeah...but this time it has a name!"

Aahh!!!

So, it's supposed to happen tomorrow. Remember when I explained the whole head shaving thing, and why it was good for me, and how I came to that decision, and how I have to go through with it now that I'm this far in?

I was wrong!! All wrong!

I can't do it! My hair is me. All me! It's all I have, other than the bracelets, and nobody even cares about those.

Aahh! Mark was walking down the hallway and he tugged my hair for a while because he said he'd never be able to do it again after tomorrow. For the past couple days, a lot of people have been playing with my hair.

They won't be able to do that after tomorrow! Tomorrow! What am I going to do? My hair is the only reason I ever get attention.

Yes, I'll admit it, I love attention. And my hair gets that for me.

Right now I'm Robyn-with-long-hair-in-braids-that's-so-lovable-and-cute. When all my hair's gone I'll barely even be Robyn, nevertheless cute and lovable!

My hair got me all my attention and recognition while I was in NYB. What would I have been without my hair? Just some dork with a bassoon!

Blah. I need to keep convincing myself that my appearance does not equal my identity. Or personality. Or myself as a person whatsoever.

I think.

Right?

When I think of Kelskie, I don't think blond hair and blue jeans. I think of how we've known each other for so long, how she can tell something's wrong even over msn, and how I can tell her anything and I know she won't judge me or tell anybody else.

When I think of any of my friends, I don't think of their appearance. When I think of Randall, I think of how she'll always help me when I'm stressing out, and how I can always talk to her.

The list goes on and on. I never think less of any of my friends based on their appearance. Heck, I hardly notice their appearance half the time. Honestly, who actually looked decent in their gown at grad? Nobody really looks good in gowns, they weren't meant to look good on people. I hardly noticed.

Do haircuts ever really make a big difference for me? No. I notice them the first day, think, cool, that's different, and then it just goes on.

Then why can't I help but think my status will go down once my hair's gone?

Of course I'm going to go through with it. I'm not backing out now. But as it gets closer, I do get more scared of it. Which is foolish, I know, you don't need to remind me.

Maybe if I just concentrate on things I have to get done, I won't even remember I'm doing it until tomorrow, when I'm there.

File, download, open.

~Calminaiel~

"I don't like you! I don't like either of you. I haven't liked her for years now."

Glory and Pain

Those are pretty much the feelings that are brought out by the percussion concerto that was performed with the CPO on Friday and Saturday. Especially with the horns. I realized at one point that I just wanted to raise my arms and just swim in the glory and wonderfulness all around me...and at the same time, I had the strange sense that an infinite number of knives were all driving into me at the same time.

I have to read the program about that piece again. I vaguely remember a slight bit of what it's based one, and I think that could possibly be the feelings that the music is supposed to bring out...somewhat, anyways.

I didn't have time to shower tonight. Especially with both my uncle and brother insisting on showering. I just hope that my hair isn't too visibly greasy, and that I don't smell like smoke in the morning.

I remember having a lot of things to write on here, but that was on Saturday. The pie party today was fun. I like hosting parties. Especially when I actually have more party food / drinks, which I didn't really today, but I made it work. I should throw parties more often.

Or at least get-togethers, if party is too of a hardcore term. =P

Bed now. I have to get up early to take the bus with all my crap tomorrow. Maybe I won't bring my music bag...I don't really need it, unless I want to practice, but when's the last time that I've practiced at school? Besides, I have things I have to do in the library anyways. And if I do practice, I can work on scales which I desperately need to do.

Sigh. Or english. That also desperately needs to get done. Almost more so than bassoon.

I'm also convincing myself that my appearance is not the same thing as my identity. Sometimes I know that, but more often than not I have to firmly convince myself that people do actually identify me by who I am more so than what I look like. I know that appearance definitely isn't the first thing I think of when I think of my friends. Why am I still convinced that it's the only thing they think of when they think of me?

I actually have to go to bed.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm pulling the wrong one!"